Well, this comes as a surprise to exactly no one. Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright were wed in holy matrimony this past summer. Lucky for us, we will get the chance to see this blessed event on the upcoming season of Vanderpump Rules. Yes guys and gals, Brit finally got her man – and most of her bridesmaids had her man too. It was a wedding party only Jesus could love!
Brittany and Jax have certainly weathered many storms on the road to wedded bliss. There was the time Jax lied about flirting with Lala Kent and threw her under the bus. And we cannot forget the trashtastic liaison Jax had with Faith Stowers, a thirsty SUR waitress. But Jax is a changed man! Gone are the days of his transient indiscretions! His slate has been wiped clean by God and Brittany’s short term memory. If only that were the case. Now we are finding out that there is some wiggle room in Jax and Brittany’s unbreakable bond, and it’s totally fine – as long as Jax approves of the wiggler.
Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Cauchi. Cauchi is Jax Taylor’s actual last name in case anyone forgot. And, yes, Jax and Brittany Cartwright tied the knot during a weekend-long extravaganza in a Kentucky castle.
Every single Vanderpump Rules cast member was a part of the wedding. Well, except for James Kennedy, Raquel Leviss, and Billie Lee, who were not invited, obviously. Other than that, Kentucky was full of Bravolebrities.
Whew – we have crossed the finish line with season 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I am here to report that this reunion did not need to be 3 parts. There – recap done!
OK, kidding. I actually felt there were some illuminating moments. Like the glimpse of Katie Maloney‘s hubris. Wowee-wow-WOW. Katie literally always sees herself as the victim. She blames James Kennedy for the internet hating her but the internet rightfully hated Katie long before her antics this season! As Tom 1 never really got a chance to say courtesy of James’ interrupitis – a germ passed from Kristen Doute – Katie has been a rancid bottle of ranch dressing since season 1. Katie’s OWN putrid behavior is the reason the Twitterverse rails on her – it has nothing to do with James or her weight (or her husband’s manhood – how is that not also body shaming?). Let’s just say Katie is giving marriage, ranch dressing, the internet, and humanity a bad name. Oh, and also clothing.
I’m having a visceral reaction to part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. It’s like Lord Of The Flies. James Kennedy is the pig they’re chasing across the island of the doomed until somebody, (probably Tom 2 if we’re being honest) winds up dismembered. Remember when this show was so fun?!
What I’ve come to realize is that these people – chiefly Katie Maloney, Jax Taylor, and Kristen Doute – live in an echo chamber of their own delusions. They can’t learn from experiences because they’ve blocked all the dissenting voices. Instead, they are deafened by the vortex of praise they offer each other. James isn’t even allowed to speak without Kristen cutting him off and screaming him down with some accusation or insult. Andy Cohen wonders why James so angry. Lisa Vanderpump decides it’s because James had a drink at lunch. Or maybe it’s as James said: so many people yelling at him constantly that he can’t breathe.
Do you ever watch reality TV and feel like the cast members are friends in your head? How about the parents? Do you ever watch and wonder what it would be like to have them as a mom? Just me? Alright, then.
I cannot help being fascinated by the relationships between reality TV stars and their mothers. Not all moms are created equal and not everyone is meant to be a reality TV star. Some of them are just hilarious. They steal every scene and deserve to star in shows of their own. It gets to a point with some of these cast members that it seems like their moms are the reason they’re still on TV. I don’t want to call anyone out, but when your mom gets her own on-camera interviews on your show, she’s definitely stealing your shine. Whether she’s trying to or not.
Last night was the Met Gala and also someone was thrown out of a PTA meeting at my kids’ school when things erupted into a full-on screaming match. Fittingly, it was also part 1 of Vanderpump Rules reunion – so yeah, busy night!
Also as if trying to straddle two events, like she straddles two worlds on Vanderpump Rules, Raquel Leviss‘s reunion dress was the very definition of the Met Gala theme “Camp,” boasting uber-exaggerated shoulders accented by a full duvet of ruffles. It was like a super amped up version of an Alice In Wonderland dress. I loved it. It was almost a perfect representation for the ridiculousness of this show. Raquel came to make a statement that she is here to stay.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away a foolish princess sat in her WeHo walkup, and pledged her love to Jax Taylor, a pile of mashed potatoes that sometimes took on human-esque features and pretended to have a heart, but mostly just oozed brown puss. This princess of purgatory is Brittany Cartwright and on last night’s Vanderpump Rules she had an engagement party
This party seemed like it was supposed to be a wedding, until producers decided to drag out the drama by turning it into an engagement party last minute. Like they expected a huge blowout where Brittany’s dad confronted her about what an insipid ass Jax is. Or Jax and the Toms got in a fight with Brittany’s brothers. Instead, the biggest drama was Scheana Marie crying in a corner because Adam Spott rejected her adopt-a-penguin apology gift.
Also Ariana Madix nervously confronted Lisa Vanderpump‘s about treating the Toms like grownups because then, like, maybe they might, like, act, like, one. Or Tom 1 will at least.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the prequel to the season finale, which means the bulk of the episode was spent finally FINALLY giving Scheana Marie some attention and something to do besides machine gun laughing at her own jokes. Of course Scheana wasted all this prime real estate on
Marina del Rey whining about Adam Spott and going on a fake date to make him jealous which obviously backfired like a rusty pickup in a PCH traffic jam!
The other half of the episode was dedicated to Brittany Cartwright‘s family visiting from Kentucky for wedding dress shopping and giving Jax Taylor the third degree. If Jax gets out of this marriage alive he’s leaving with a rat tail, less than half of his savings, and a ripped plaid shirt wrapped around a cold beer can that he’s holding to his temple. Don’t fuck with no redneck daddies! (I’m from West Virginia so I know full well how this goes!)