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Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix

Whew – we have crossed the finish line with season 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I am here to report that this reunion did not need to be 3 parts. There – recap done!

OK, kidding. I actually felt there were some illuminating moments. Like the glimpse of Katie Maloney‘s hubris. Wowee-wow-WOW. Katie literally always sees herself as the victim. She blames James Kennedy for the internet hating her but the internet rightfully hated Katie long before her antics this season! As Tom 1 never really got a chance to say courtesy of James’ interrupitis – a germ passed from Kristen Doute – Katie has been a rancid bottle of ranch dressing since season 1. Katie’s OWN putrid behavior is the reason the Twitterverse rails on her – it has nothing to do with James or her weight (or her husband’s manhood – how is that not also body shaming?). Let’s just say Katie is giving marriage, ranch dressing, the internet, and humanity a bad name. Oh, and also clothing.

At this point I don’t even remember what James said to Katie in the infancy of this season, way back when I had hopes of Vanderpump Rules being exciting and fresh again. I’m sure it was horrible, because: James – but listening to Katie take ZERO accountability, make excuses for dick shaming her husband, blaming James and all of us, and whining that no one gives her the sympathy she feels she deserves is just too much! I am so tired of Katie not being called out. Lisa Vanderpump and Andy Cohen just sat there – again – listening to Katie essentially claim that James is making people threaten her life, and said nothing.

Katie Maloney & Tom Schwartz

As James told Kristen “Get over James Kennedy.” Indeed. Because James Kennedy is not sweating any of them. As Jax Taylor is telling his lies and half truths and contracting himself like a snake shedding his skin, after swearing for the 400th time that he’s a changed man working on himself, James just casually started texting. Probably giving Raquel Leviss confirmation that she could leave the LA County Jail, where she was stationed outside, ready in case she needed to post James’s bail, and practicing her “Bad boy. No-No!” lecture. Or maybe James was just ordering from Postmates? Pasta? With extra cheese.

I’m sorry – I just don’t care about Jax’s sob stories. He hasn’t changed. He won’t change. The only thing that’s changed is that Brittany Cartwright has doubled and tripled down on her delusions, and multiplied those delusions by 10, divided them by 4300 blind eyes, added 16 more lies, subtracted 98% of her dignity, and still can’t figure out that she’s solving for “Jax Taylor’s Redeeming Benefits,” not true love. What Brittany came up with is that (-)marriage success divided by 2 nervous breakdowns plus a restraining order equals zero. Basically Brittany your fairy tale is fuuuuucked. But OK girl, go ahead, keep giving justifications (Jaxifications?) for the way Jax talked to your daddy and your brothers on national TV, and told them that he’s never gonna have your best interests at heart. And yes, Brittany, keep pretending that you yelling at Jax has any effect.

Lisa needs to stop enabling this fiasco for a storyline. She did that with Katie and Tom 2 and look at that lumpy, unhappy, beer-sodden mess. She tried that shit with James, and now she’s doing it again with Brittany. Is this maybe what we call “Manipulation?” Because Jax is Ken and I’m the Mona Lisa. Alright, that’s a bad metaphor, because I do have resting bitch face. Let’s try again: Jax is Ken Todd and I’m an airbrushed photograph of Lala Kent‘s ass with a tramp stamp that reads “Gagsta Hoe #Fofty”

Brittany Cartwright & Jax Taylor

Oh, by the way, Brittany went ahead and made Lala a bridesmaaaaaaaid, because Brittany is inviting the whole world to be in this wedding even though the whole world would rather shop at Walmart on Black Friday than attend a Beauty & The Beast themed bridal shower, followed by a Frozen themed bachelorette party at Carvel Ice Cream, followed by a co-Bachelor/Bachelorette party to the theme of Cinderella where everyone walks on crushed glass slippers while pretending to be so happy for them, and then of course that inevitable second shower in ‘Tucky based off Hunch Back of Notre Damn (typo intentional!), and finally the 101 Bridesmaids wedding at Goofy’s Palace.

The whole point is determining if Jax can admit his past lies (He can’t – Channing Tatum was still his roommate in a Ukranian Motel 6 or something) and whether or not Jax can stop telling new lies (NOPE) and finally, whether or not Jax can forgive his mother in time for her to attend his wedding (Debatable, but probably yes for Bravo dramatic purposes). Jax blames his mom for not reaching out knowing he’s hurting after his dad’s death, then says he doesn’t have a mom or any family – even though we just witnessed Jax’s sister Jennifer celebrating his engagement and wanting to murder someone with a potato masher, but showing all the family restraint when she chose instead to just drink more wine while pretending to understand what the hell Brittany was yammering on about. Also Jax still denies bragging that he “bought” Brittany’s brother’s baby. So yeah, he’s totes changed!

I’m really on a tear here. That’s cause I’m bored and looking for a way to fill up space so I don’t let any of you down with this recap.

Beau Clark & Stassi Schroeder

So let’s bring out Beau Clark. Beau is a pasty white boy who found himself and his groddy tattoos on TV courtesy of a B Movie he did with Kristen back in the early ’00s, but Stassi Schroeder loves him and he’s certainly a step-up from Patrick, Frank, or Jax. Beau is basically in a polygamous relationship with Stassi and The Dark Passenger. One makes him Aperol Spritzes and understands his lame quirky sense of humor; the other makes him fear for his life, his manhood, and his dignity, but I imagine both are decent in bed!

We also learned that just before Stassi moved from NYC to LA with THE AMAZING PATRICK she found out he cheated, but Stassi was too ashamed to admit that she had quit Vanderpump Rules and made fun of all her friends while she was playing at Adulting so she kept it a secret – even from the fellow SheBeasts. So yeah, even I knew Patrick had cheated. Don’t ask me how I know, but I also knew that Patrick never actually thought he and Stassi were serious at that time, and he wasn’t planing on having her come to LA with him, but you know… it’s really hard to get rid of stuff when you move, so!

The real excitement of the Beau segment is remembering Dayna, Stassi’s mom, and how she told Stassi the only way to keep Beau was to not be herself. So awful. Dayna hit rock bottom when she cried to Kristen about how she wished Stassi could be as mature, considerate, and amazing as Kristen. Dayna actually set Stassi’s life goals on “Kristen.” Which is basically one rung above ‘stripper with as many personalities as she has thongs!’ And Scheana Marie‘s face – what portion of it can move (only the eyes) – in response to this was amazing. Oh man, Dayna has a warped sense of sanity! This explains so much about Stassi and I feel super sad for her, but thankfully after not speaking to her mother for 8 months, Stassi and Dayna reconnected at Stassi’s sister’s bridal shower, and Dayna took complete ownership, so they’re good again.

Seeing her mom act such complete fool was obviously a wakeup call to Stassi – even if she can’t admit it, and she realized that it was time to stop relying on the Easy A: Adderall. As soon as she cut that from her life, Stassi stopped drunk raging. How sad! Have we really gotten to a point on this show where people are casually admitting to misusing prescription drugs and no one is reacting? Especially considering how everyone freaked out about the notion of James mixing booze with uppers last week.

I hope that somewhere on the Vanderpump Rules cutting room floor there’s a scene of Stassi having a funeral for The Dark Passenger and throwing Adderall into the hole over the coffin instead of dirt. Then Stassi buries this saucy madame with a tequila worm, an fresh bottle of ranch, and those oatmeal colored Spanx with the amputated crotch. RIP Dark Passenger. RIP Ragey Schroeder, Queen Mean of Bravo. Try as she might Katie is no Stassi. Not even close, but I do remember a time when it was fun to Hate-Watch Katie. I barely remember that, because it’s been so eclipsed by all the times I am literally just hating Katie, who turns me into Tequila Mary! (Sans Tequila).

Kristen Doute

Kristen has broken up with Carter, but they’re still living together, sleeping together, spending time together, not paying bills equally together, and also he’s changed. What hasn’t changed is Katie and Stassi’s opinion of Carter. They both call Kristen out for being delusional (isn’t that her only way of being?) and are annoyed that she constantly cries to them about how much Carter sucks while doing nothing about it. Katie decides what will fix all of Kristen’s problems is having a relationship more like hers and Tom’s. Even Kristen is with-it enough to know better. “Your type of love doesn’t work for me,” Kristen screams.

Not like Ariana Madix‘s calm, centered, unselfish love. As strange as it is that these two have found a happy medium in their friendship, maybe they’re good for each other. Tom 1 isn’t bothered by it, and everyone agrees it’s far weirder that Tom and Jax are still friends after, you know, the Kristen-ing. I find it stranger that Kristen is still obsessed with James, than managing to get over their ancient issues with Ariana.

Scheana Marie gave Adam Spott the penguin and now he’s going down on her, but they’re still just BEST FRIENDS who love each other, share intimate physical contact, and no other emotions. So by next year Scheana will have convinced the penguin to propose to her on Adam’s behalf and they’ll all be walking down the aisle in matching tuxedos holding bouquets of tropical fish. I mean Schana’s face is already frozen and so is her maturity, so it only makes sense.

My favorite part of the whole reunion was Andy calling Scheana out on botox making her look older. IT. DOES. THANK YOU.

Some notes: Tom and Katie did not have sex on a bed of candy in Mexico, because Gimme A Break, between now & later there’s always a later, after Montezuma’s Revenge – which is basically the theme of their entire marriage. Tom’s classic, average-sized, but operational dick is not to blame, but Katie’s emasculation might be. It’s like if your dick fits inside a mini Dorito’s bag or a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch, it’s too small.

Tom 2 apologized to James for inviting him on the trip, then uninviting him and letting Tom 1 take the fall-out from Katie. James’ new attitude is that it’s their loss as he has proven time and time again that James Kennedy is the funnest part of any vacation.  The refreshing part was that Tom admitted Katie and James share some real similarities in terms of all the heinous things they’ve said to others. “Don’t you dare compare me to him,” Katie sneers, glaring straight ahead and plotting how she will dump all the Coor’s Light in the toilet later and cover it with Montezuma’s Revenge, aka beer cheese.

Tom and Katie just despise each other with such barely simmering rage and resentment. Tom even admits as much when he tires to explain their horrendous argument in Mexico, but honestly who can blame him? Katie is awful. And he’s awful too for being spineless enough to marry her.

James Kennedy & Stassi Schroeder

Lastly Stassi lectures James for texting during Jax’s emotional scene talking about his dad. James retorts with “Get off my dick!” which prompts another argument, and another rebuke from Lisa when Andy yells at James to stop being so aggressive, and calls him out on being nasty to Brittany earlier without provocation. James’s rationale is that Jax was being mean to Raquel so tit-for-tit. It’s not right – at all – as Brittany didn’t do anything to James, but what did Raquel do to Jax? Why wasn’t Jax equally called out?

See James is never right, but he’s never not-right either. What I mean is that everyone else is just as wrong, but Lisa is correct in that James better stop stacking up enemies or he’ll find himself not SURviving.

Let’s just hope that next season we get an exorcism from this show’s Dark Passenger!

TELL US – WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE REUNION?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

 

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