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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was all about vaginas, vacations, and Pinot… again. Jill Zarin is hosting an anti-bullying fundraiser, and while guests are paying $200 to attend, the irony of Jill championing this event is priceless. Kelly accidentally sees Sonja’s ladybits, Cindy takes her good friends on a “brunettes only” weekend, New Housewife Pinot Grigio high-jacks Jill’s charity event, and sweet LuAnn just wants everyone to get along, dammit!

The episode begins with LuAnn and Sun-yah meeting for lunch to discuss a girls trip. LuAnn is planning to “break the tension” between the ladies. Since this is a classy restaurant, Sonja, predictably arrives straight from the gym with a fur thrown over her sports bra. Sonja states she wants to go to Italy for Truffle Season (that’s a thing?) because “everyone will be there!” Everyone except the NY Housewives, that is, because LuAnn is just so over Italy and wants to vacation somewhere exotic. Somewhere like Morocco, which is the Paris of the Middle East, didn’t you know? Bravo, desperate to capitalize on a repeat of Scary Island, decides Luann must “invite” all the ladies, but LuAnn has some reservations about Kelly being included because no one wants “Scary Desert” on the horizon. Well, no one but Bravo, because ratings are everything dah-ling, so Kelly is IN!

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After lunch Sonja and LuAnn take turns calling the other housewives. After a few five-minute convos, the ladies decide they can stash their kids with a nanny or an ex-husband and are going to Morocco! LuAnn must have a new job working for the Moroccan Tourism Department or something, because she is seriously like the GoMorocco Wikipedia page – not to mention the country’s biggest fan! We get it – you like Morocco, you’re crazy for camels, and you have traveled there extensively to watch your ex drive little cars around a race track.

Deciding its her responsibility to boss everyone around she just wants everyone to get along, LuAnn meets Ramona for lunch to inform her that she will not be screwing up this trip for the rest of them or she can stay home and sit in time-out! LuAnn wants Morocco to be a “memorable” experience and therefore everyone must get along. Oh, LuAnn – I am quite certain you have no worries there! Memorable it will be. Enjoyable? I imagine not. At lunch LuAnn explains to Ramona that while her Pinot was good, her behavior at the Pinot launch party – not so much. She wants Ramona to make amends with Jill before the big vacay. And then! The Klip-on Koala makes yet another appearance as LuAnn presents this lovely and thoughtful gift as evidence that Jill cares about Ramona. Nothing says I cherish our friendship like a $3 clip on airport tchoke. Oh the stories that Koala could tell… After arguing about whether or not Ramona has grounds to express her feelings, LuAnn asks Ramona how she sleeps at night and lets Ramona know she does not look happy. Nice, LuAnn – what was your book about? Etiquette? Hmmm… read it lately?

Ramona admits that she with would rather be angry at Jill than be hurt. In order to force Ramona to do what she wants, LuAnn brings up she who shall not be named (Hint: it begins with B, ends in Y, and has e-t-h-e-n-n in between) reminding Ramona that her friendship with Jill could easily go up kaput as the result of a silly fight. Desperate to get LuAnn off her back, Ramona agrees to call Jill and then runs frantically out the door to escape LuAnn’s nagging!

At Sonja’s house she is doing a photo shoot for her upcoming toaster oven cookbook. Sonja explains that after giving an interview about her toaster oven prowess the idea took off like wildfire (it did?) so she decided to do a cookbook! Ugh – yet another cookbook and yet another photo shoot. While this shoot doesn’t have smoke, fire alarms, or sexy Jim Bellino directing it – it does have vajayjays! Despite proclaiming she doesn’t want to “do a Brittney” because she has forgotten her underwear, Martha Leach (aka Sonja) decides to start rolling around on the table in a ballgown with a huge slit up the front. When Kelly gets there to help oversee the photo shoot for the non-existent cookbook, there is Sonja making amateur porn on her dining room table – while there is lots of skin there is no toaster oven? After accidentally being flashed during the craphotography shoot, a traumatized Kelly wants to know what a vajayjay has to do with toaster ovens and really, this is one time I have to agree with Kelly.

It’s brunettes vs. blondes as Cindy planned a trip to Canyon Ranch and only invited the housewives she likes. Surprisingly on that list is: Jill, Kelly, and LuAnn. In the car on the way up, the talk is all about the horror film Kelly was forced to watch aka Sonja’s photo shoot! Kelly is still worked up about seeing a grown woman’s crotch – claiming she has never seen one before because she is “not a gynecologist.” LuAnn wonders how as a model Kelly never saw any ladybits and blames the flashing incident on Sonja spending too much time with Pinot Singer. Things turn serious when Kelly and LuAnn discuss relationships and single parenting, Kelly reveals her difficulties finding someone to date and dealing with “sharks, minnows, and bottom feeders” and eventually admits she’s been in abusive relationships. You mean, like the one where she was arrested for punching her ex? Or a different one? Regardless of whether Kelly is exaggerating, imagining, or not; LuAnn, for once, reacts appropriately and simply offers her friend a hug.

At the lodge, Cindy gives the ladies monogrammed bathrobes. Jill, who loves presents, rips open the gift in the middle of the lobby and puts it on immediately which is a total no-no according to Countess No More LuAnn. While the brunettes are doing some sort of drum circle sharing, the blondes are sharing Ramona’s plastic surgeon. Alex reveals that now that she is a “model” she must take better care of her skin and gives us a tip on skin care: wash your face. Thanks for that ‘lex! Then she gets her face shaved(?!) and Sonja gets her stomach vacuumed because she can’t be bothered to exercise. Wait – isn’t she always showing up places immediately after leaving the gym?

Back at Canyon Ranch the topic at dinner is menopause, Vagina Monacles, and Morocco. Kelly admits she cannot handle going on the trip to Morocco because she is afraid her psych meds will be detained in customs of Ramona’s drunken antics. Really, Kelly? Ramona is “threatening” you again? And shouldn’t it be the other way around? The other ladies Bravo really want Kelly to come along though and urge her to reconsider.

Back in New York City irony is rich in gold with Jill hosting an anti-bullying fundraiser featuring a Teri Jon fashion show. To lend support Alex arrives early to help stuff gift bags with a plethora of “leftover” Secrets of A Jewish Mother pens. While working on the giftbags, Jill lets Alex know that Ramona will also be coming, surprising even Ally who scoffs. Jill asks Alex for advice on handling Cramona, who is supposed to be donating Pinot for the silent auction. Alex starts to answer when Jill cuts her off by demanding that she keep Ramona on a leash at her event!

Cramona arrives and she has brought with her a case of Pinot Grigio to drink donate. She and Jill air kiss and play nice while making a tepid agreement to talk on the plane. Ramona is far too interested in getting her drink on to deal with Jill’s annoying needs about talking or taking walks or falling off piers so she pretty much brushes her off and begins stalking the waitstaff about her wine. Oh, that Pinot – always causing drama!

Then LuAnn swans through the door and I think she thought this was an event on how to bully, because after commenting about the amount of money she donates with this zingy little one liner: “it’s a good thing charities want money and not blood, or else I’d be drained,” she immediately marches up to Ramona, calling her bitchy and chastising her for hoarding her designer David Meister‘s dresses; yelling at Ramona for telling David not to loan dresses to her friends and insulting the way Ramona wears clothing. Um, LuAnn – you could just go to the store and buy one if you want it so badly. Then LuAnn tells Ramona that no one wants to go on this trip with her because of her behavior. Well that may be true, but I highly doubt LuAnn’s behavior is a big draw either.

Ramona – pinot loaded as she may be – was the calm and articulate one, reminding LuAnn not to get involved in her issues with the other girls. The discussion goes back and forth between those two with Alex standing by her social connection bestie by making little interjections in defense of Ramona. Finally Ramona puts LuAnn in her place by asking: “I have to answer to you now?” Doesn’t the former Countess sing a song called “Money Can’t Buy You Class”? Well, apparently she is proving her mantra correct! When is it classy to lecture and snark at someone in the middle of a charity event, LuAnn?

When Jill walks over to say hello to LuAnn, she refrains from having a “discussion” about her relationship with Ramona in front of people paying $200 a plate to attend by mentioning she and Ramona decided to “do lunch.” Apparently, Miss Panties In a Twist Lesseps feels this is Jill being afraid of Ramona and refusing to tell her what she thinks. Didn’t LuAnn just give Ramona a lecture about there being an appropriate time and place to express her feelings? Yeah – I thought I remembered that.

Jill, desperate to demonstrate that she is a new woman, doesn’t even freak out when she discovers that Ramona is drinking the wine she supposedly brought for a donation to the silent auction. Although she does accuse Ramona of misunderstanding what her assistant meant when asking her to bring the wine. Oh, did she Jill? Because the proof is in the pinot! Ramona claims she was told to bring it for lunch, not for the auction and posted an email exchange this morning to prove it (the screenshot is below). Regardless of what the wine was really for, Ramona turns the charity event into yet another advertisement for her pinot by setting up a table and handing out glasses, mentioning that she developed the wine just so she can have her own supply. We’ve noticed… Frankly, Ramona’s boozy behavior is not doing her product any favors!

When Kelly finally arrives – late as always – she announces that Bravo threatened to void her contract if she doesn’t go to Morocco so despite Pinot Singer being on the trip, she is going too! YAY! Scary Desert here we come!! #sarcasm. LuAnn and Jill are gleeful with excitement that the mean girls group will remain intact and momentarily everyone forgets the selfish, Pinot-swilling Ramona until the fashion show when Ramona sits in the front row and gives her glass of Pinot it’s own chair. Jill starts b*tching about Ramona’s constant wine-ing and LuAnn astutely observes: “If you have to bring your own Pinot to a party, there’s an issue.”

Further proving that her pinot-ing is getting a little out of control, Ramona “corners” Kelly to invite her to “explode that fun-ness” with her and Sonja in Morocco. Umm… exploding fun-ness – is that like what happens in the Skittles commercials? After their chat where Kelly behaves only slightly weird, Kelly ironically tugs Ramona’s skirt down and tells her it should be longer. Pot meet kettle.

Finally lunch is served and we meet Jennifer Zarin, Jill’s step-daughter, who reminds us of the true impact of bullying. Sadly, some people – ahem, Ramona – are too busy worrying about wine to listen to the speech, and Ramona describes Jennifer’s face as “deformed” and yells at the designer Teri Jon’s daughter about there being empty wine glasses on the product table. Even Alex had the decency to seem embarrassed at this point. I thought Jill was handling it like a class act by not engaging Ramona because she was visibly hurt by Ramona’s comments about Jennifer. Well, based on all this drama Morocco should be very scary indeed!

Next Week: Morocco or Bust! The housewives horrify an entirely different country with their self-absorbed behavior and constant arguing. And I think LuAnn falls off a camel!

On Watch What Happens Live, Gayle KingOprah’s biffle is in the clubhouse and her vagina wears a ballgown. Gayle takes WWHL seriously (re: is boring) by asking thoughtful questions and giving concise answers to Andy Cohen. The drinking word was, of course, OPRAH! The game is “Oprah or Noprah” and Gail has to answer whether Oprah would do something or not. Apparently, Oprah goes to the DMV, cusses, and likes tequila shots, but hates when anyone chews gum? Gail discloses that she knows Kelly and thinks she is a very free-spirited individual who can come across badly on TV. She puts her interviewing skills to the test when she tries to get Andy to admit that certain housewives “play to the camera” and he ignores the question! Andy also read a tweet from Kelly to Gayle. Kelly thanked Gayle for advising her to be herself this season, which Gayle denied ever saying, instead telling Andy she simply told Kelly she was concerned for her. The poll question was: “Are you Team Blonde or Team Brunette” and the blondes baaarely eeke out a win. I blame LuAnn.

Below is the email Ramona posted this morning on her facebook page to prove she was asked to bring her Pignot for the guests and not for auction.

“On last night’s episode, Jill denied that I was ever asked to bring wine to serve to the ladies at the charity lunch. Please see the emails between our assistants confirming just that! Another Jill lie…,” was Ramona’s caption.

So are you Team Blonde or Team Brunette? Do you think Ramona’s Pinot love fest has gone too far? Is Jill a changed woman?

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