In the never-ending saga that is the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the gang heads to Punta Cana and it’s more of the same: drunken antics, terrible trashy clothing, and bickering. To borrow a phrase from the one, the only Juicy: “Shut UP!”
Preparing for a luxurious 5-day kid-free stay in Punta Cana on Bravo’s dime, at The Gorga Marble Compound, Joe, after stuffing his children in a suitcase, begins personally inspecting all Melissa’s stripper bikinis by sniffing the crotch. In front of his mother-in-law and his children he is sniffing the crotch of his wife’s bathing suit while she dangles another hoochie mama confection in front of his face.
At the Giudice marble mansion, Teresa has raided the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalog from 1993 and is packing every sequined string bikini in the land. Melania takes this opportunity to assault and batter both her sisters. Um… where is Gabriella? Was she taken away by family services or something – I haven’t seen her all season. Maybe she’s already too embarrassed to be participating in this show. Joe promises to try and have a good time – Gia echos what we’re all thinking when she gives him a disbelieving look.
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The Caroline listens to Lauren prattle on about all the extraneous stuff she is bringing to try and compete with the Twin Bratz Dolls for most bedazzled everything. Caroline hopes everyone will realize how foolish they are being and this trip can bring out the happy again. Lauren makes a funny about Teresa and Melissa being eaten by sharks with all their shiny – oh, we could only be so lucky, Lauren!
Jacqueline is packing her “wishful thinking” bathing suit so she can prove to Melissa that she was once a MILF too. Poor Jacs is lamenting that she is too fat to fit into the fabulocity swimsuits of the tacky twins. Ashley will not be attending this trip (good – I’ve had enough of her this season!) because she was too lazy to get a passport photo. It was probably because they told her she couldn’t dye herself orange and wear droopy crocheted doilies on her head in the photo. Caroline snips that since Jacqueline can’t take the picture for Ashley it was never going to happen.
Kathy’s her mom is helping her pack tissue paper. Kathy is hopeful the trip will mend fences and Teresa will cease to be herself and get along with people. Kathy reflects on Gia’s song and explains that sometimes adults need a child’s innocence to open their eyes. She wants Teresa to recognize that not everything is about her.
And everyone is off with their leopard luggage in tow! Richie lets Joseph know he is excited about getting drunk. And file that under: “Awesome parental role modeling!” Joe G-to-the-Orga is excited about Sex. Lotsa Sex and Melissa promises to make him very happy while giving him, what I assume she thinks is sexy face. It’s not. It’s creepy face. Stop it. Teresa believes this trip will be like old times and Melissa just wants to move forward. Me too – I want a NEW STORYLINE! At the airport, everyone immediately starts drinking and Teresa discovers one of her leopard bags has been lost – the one with the shark food in it! Joey G-to-the-Orga promises that she can borrow his jewelry.
In the Escalade entourage to the hotel, it’s very sweet to see Teresa and Joey hanging out, acting like siblings again by bickering and teasing each other. They all seem excited to have a great trip and move forward. We want to see more of that Gorgadices! Joe G-to-the-Iudice asks the driver to pull over so he can take a leak. He is an anomaly in that beer makes him pee a lot, but unfortunately he can’t hold it like most normally functioning adults. Because you can take the trash out of Jersey, but you can’t take the trash out of Jersey; all the adult men on the trip hop out of the car to pee by the side of the road.
The Caroline explains they rented three villas and she and Albert took one for the team by agreeing to be stuck with the Giudices. But she wants a pay raise.
Walking into the hotel, Joe G-to-the-Iudice is at it again with the gay slurs. He and Richie need diversity training. Seriously, Bravo get on this. Joe refers to the Manzo boys as looking like “two butt budies.” Thankfully both Teresa and Melissa chastise him and defend the boys by explaining they are good brothers to each other, although Teresa warns everybody to wait until one of them gets married. Melissa believes Teresa has an angel and a devil on her shoulders and that she will try to listen to the angel this week instead of the darkside she generally follows.
When they get to the villas, the Gorgas and the Wakilies, who aren’t used to vacationing with Bravo are super impressed. Albert resigns himself to being stuck in the room next to the Juicys, who will be doing it like rabbits. Luckily for him, he is spared by a visit from Teresa’s Aunt Flo who puts the kibosh on the non-stop sexacapes!
Lauren and Albie fight for the single room and he loses – getting stuck with Christopher and his messitude. Where is Greggy? Oh, heeere he is! Thank goodness, I was wondering how I would make it through an episode without his witty, brilliant observations? #sarcasm. Lauren fetches drinks for the boys while Greg leans over his Evita balcony to address his people. He already has a Twitter to speak to his masses and frankly that’s more than enough!
In their respective villas, everyone is in agreement that things are going well – so far. Melissa thinks they should just move to Punta Cana where they all get along. I co-sign that – Andy can hire all new RHONJ! Kim G for the win! Joe agrees to try and get along with Teresa’s family if he respected, but then he starts threatening to hurt little Joey Gorga. The Caroline inwardly screams, while Teresa tries to pass it off as a joke. Back at the Gorga/Wakile villa, it’s Richie who isn’t feeling so optimistic about having a blissful vacation.
Teresa is getting ready for a day on the boat Albie and co. rented by hosting a bikini fashion show during breakfast! Caroline has a booming stripper-Barbie induced migraine and needs to stay home to recuperate before evil Caroline with a propensity for drunken, belligerent rampages emerges! Was she wearing clear bra straps?! Oh Caroline, if you can’t do strapless right, you don’t do strapless!
Luckily, there were other fashion monstrosities for me to scorn, as Teresa began her hooker fashion show. Here comes sequin mermaid, and then comes oh god, I don’t know tacky ocean blue, and then more sequins; all with horrid cover-ups and gold heels! I’m glad she was so excited. And confident. And I’m glad she has such bad taste so I can laugh at her! While Teresa obliviously prances out in what she classifies as swimwear, Lauren sits there bitter and on her period. Lauren is so Caroline’s daughter. They both inherited the cranky gene. Jacqueline is supportive, but wants Teresa’s ass, although she doesn’t want to buy one – she wants a real one. Well, there’s always exercise!
Greggy perpetuates the feud by insisting Teresa is worried about how good Melissa will look. When did the entire Manzo clan and their affiliates become so anti-Teresa? Melissa is dressed as a skanky tennis player. While her husband is getting a massage, she starts dancing for Tarzan who is up and excited for his hot wife. They are so disrespectful. Richie also makes an inappropriate boner comment, but Kathy is not having it.
As the gang at the GiuLaurManzo villa departs, they makes sure to be as loud as humanely possible and Lauren fawns over The Caroline, bemoaning being away from her mommy for three hours.
At the dock, a ridiculous Punta Princess photo-petition occurs with Melissa and Teresa doing their versions of Maxim Magazine poses. Bad versions. Kathy surprises me by looking classy as opposed to Melissa’s Rock of Love contestant get-up! Jacs feels like a double-stuffed Oreo in her mom suit next to the Tacky Twins, but Chris reassures that her she looks great. I love Chris. And then there is Juicy; wearing the bathing suit equivalent of a clown costume.
In the fat, depressed corner of the boat Lauren is sulking and decides to make a toast to her ailing and absent mother to start the day.
While on the boat Albie informs us he had cancer as a child and that explains the scar on his shoulder. And following that touching confession is a trashy MTV Spring Break dance-off between the Gorgas and Giudices. Teresa’s not competitive – she’s, like, super sexy! Albie introduces the Cuchracha drinking game, which consists of a toy cockroach and Tequila. Joe and Joe manage to find something they can bond over – drunken antics. Kathy doesn’t understand the Juicy thing, because she like us, thinks Joe is all dried up.
After downing Tequila, the Joes, Greggy, Chris, and Richie decide to have a cockfight. Joe G-to-the-Orga teases Joe that it’s always the guy with the little c*ck that wants to chickenfight, which Teresa takes offense to – Joe’s member is very active! Calling Melissa out, she reminds her that Joey talks about sexytimes allll day long. I mean, he’s a Gorga after all. I swear, they have TMI in their genetic code. Gorga wins the chickenfight and celebrates by mooning the entire viewing public. Thanks for that, Bravo.
Making up for his loss, Joe proves his Juicitude by doing push-ups with Greggy and Jacs on his back. The boat docks at the beach for dinner and Teresa is surprised Richie isn’t annoying her, yet! Albert tries to block out the horror of the day by CrackBerrying, but the horror has just begun!
While everyone is freshening up in the bathroom, Joe G-to-the-Orga decides its time for a little action of the sexual kind. Melissa TMI’s that Joe thinks the shop is open the whole time they are on vacation. And then they start going at it in the bathroom stall with Jacs washing her hands right outside the door! The Manzo spawn run to the window to penis gawk! Sadly it’s a wee little thing. Joe tries, in vain, to convince everyone they’ve got the wrong Joe. I am officially GROSSED OUT, BRAVO!
Meanwhile on the beach, Juicy, Albert, and Richie are talking opening a restaurant. Juicy is starting a restaurant that serves Teresa’s recipes. Albert is frustrated by the conversation, because he is sober (and rational); when he tries to insert some reason into the latest Juicy dream, like: How are you going to pay for this and do you realize how much time is involved in the restaurant business, Juicy is dismissive. Richie explains Joe will lose interest in the restaurant, just like he loses interest in everything. Like that Pizzeria he already sold.
Richie tells everyone about the catering business he and Kathy are starting and Kathy explains that a restaurant isn’t for her because she wouldn’t want to be detached from her children. Teresa is immediately offended and blows up; launching into a huge argument which all the sudden is about the Christening and how Audriana was left unattended in the stroller, where Kathy found her. Neither lady is willing to back down.
Greggy becomes offended that his beloved Kathy is being attacked. Get over yourself, Greggy – you’ve known these people like 5 minutes and you are now trying to get your 15-minutes.
Kathy acknowledges Teresa is a good mom and she wasn’t implying otherwise. Kathy is annoyed that Teresa always makes everything about her. Finally Joe Giudice, after getting the word from Chris, barges in like an ogre and ends the argument by screaming “Shut up!” at everyone. Then Joe and Teresa leave!
When Melissa and Joe G-to-the-Orga return from their quickie, Kathy is furious and lets Melissa know with a bug-eyed eye roll, crazy hand to the head, that Teresa is “cuckoo!,” and irrational. And that visual is priceless! Jacs and Chris looked so over it. Joey seeks solace in Albert, who tries to moderate by commiserating about what an awful situation it is; and then surprisingly explains Teresa’s perspective and wow – he is excellent at interpreting Teresa! Albie muses that he is so used to the drama, that he knows other people having this same conversation; except as Greg points out they are having it in third grade language.
Surprisingly, Teresa and Joe are using at least eighth grade speak to rehash the fight and Teresa decides, summarily, that she is DONE with Kathy. Again. Except they are stuck on an island together for the next four days. Oops.
Next Week: The fight continues. Kathy gives up hope on a relationship with Teresa. Joe, Melissa, Teresa make–up and hug. And Melissa performs. Get your earplugs ready!
Thoughts on the episode? Was Teresa out of line during the argument with Kathy? Who won this round of the Punta Cana Princess Competition? Melissa or Teresa?