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Today’s bitch please award goes to LuAnn de Lesseps who told a big ol’ whopper on national TV and got caught! Ohhh girl, c’mon – everyone knows Bravo loves to expose a misdeed.

Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies arrived in St. Barths. On the teeny, tiny plane to the island nearly everyone is uncomfortable and I was wishing and hoping for a moment straight out of the seventies spoof movie Airplane. Inflata-auto-pilot? Yes, please.

So they all landed in peace and that was about the only peaceful moment of the trip. Actually I take that back everyone got along remarkably well and kept it in check especially considering Pinot Singer AND Heather Thomson AND LuAnn were there!

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Carole Radziwill rented an incredible villa. Sadly, her taste in attire is not nearly so swell as her taste in villas. She’s wearing some awkward white cowboy boots with a dirndl looking skirt. The villa has space to accommodate all the women and their neuroses and anxieties and dislikes of each other. Pinot and Sonja Morgan decide to share the master suite.

Actually, let me re-phrase that. Ramona walks in to the master suite and repeatedly drops comments about how much she wants to stay there. Basically it was a wall of intransigent Pinot-speak. Carole, rearing for an outburst, quells the beast by dousing her with pinot and saying it’s all yours little pinot devil, speak of this not again. Carole explains her philosophy on Ramona: give into her demands if you want to avoid a tantrum. Parenting by Bravo!

Sonja offers to stay with Ramona so she can keep her in check and minimize her interactions with others. Let’s discuss The Curious Case of Sonja Morgan, or Mrs. Tremont Morgan vs. Sexy Sonja! Mrs. Tremont Morgan approaches Heather discretely and explains that she is completely aware that too much pinot is bad for one’s long-term mental health and therefore it’s best to squirrel it away and give it plenty of breathing room.

Sexy Sonja hits up the pool in leopard print and starts tossing back the drinks before it’s even noon. She then gets engaged to Pinot and consecrates the marriage by sharing an underwear drawer.

Carole and Heather opt to seclude themselves from the crazy by staying in the adjacent pool house. And here comes my favorite part of the episode. Heather, excited by the view, walks straight into the infinity glass door and breaks her nose! Seriously! She handles it like a champ and LuAnn, dropping the Countess act, leaps into Nurse-mode and starts administering care.

Heather, swollen nose and all, appears for dinner where Sexy Sonja does not like the chef (although she’ll “f*@k him”) who has not provided dip for her spring rolls which she deems dry. One thing she does like: the WINE DISPENSER. Yes, you read that correctly! The villa comes complete with a wine dispenser. The producers so planned that.

This vacation has rapidly become Pinot and Sexy Sonja‘s heaven and unfortunately Sonja starts hitting the dispenser a little too hard. She gets DD glasses of wine, if you catch my drift. Everyone else sticks to training bras or small As.

Over dinner, she’s complaining and slurring and revealing that she used to travel to St. Barths with her husband and it was much more glamorous and fun. Carole is having her boyfriend Russ come over for the evening since he is playing a gig on the island. In the midst of tipping back an island’s worth of wine, Sonja engages Heather in a “discussion” about Toaster Oven-Gate. And who should jump in and accuse Heather of not listening while they shout over everyone and obfuscate? Ramona, of course!

I don’t know who was listening and who was talking and who was doing wine bongs and sobbing in the corner. I just heard “toaster” and “photo” being thrown around an awful lot which is an odd combo of words. Carole wants to know where this mythical toaster oven is already. Me too!

LuAnn demonstrates proper etiquette for once and excuses herself from the table for some peace and quiet. Toaster Oven-Gate is of no interest to her, because well, it’s not about her! Carole follows suit, with Ramona quickly on her tail. Carole confesses that she is nervous about introducing Sexy Sonja and Pinotfabulous to Russ because they’re embarrassing and prone to say demented things. Later she compares them to your kooky drunk aunts. True, true!

Russ arrives, he is charming and cute. Ramona is on her best behavior, while Sexy Sonja slurs all over him and practically purrs as she rubs her breasts on his chest. Aviva Drescher referred to her as a “pent up cougar” on twitter and I cannot think of a better expression to describe Sonja.

LuAnn, really on the ball with the lifesaving this episode, leaps into action again and whisks Sexy Sonja into the kitchen to help her get some coffee. Come back Mrs. Tremont Morgan! So far I’m liking LuAnn a little and soon I’ll be liking Countess Cut My Nose Off To Spite My Face a lot!

Carole and Russ flee into the darkness searching for salvation, sanity, and some peace. I think they found it in each other, fumbling together in the sheets of blissful heaven, hoping the daylight never comes, and whispering about how happy they are to be in control of their alcohol consumption and comments. Aaaaaahhh… it’s the little things in life!

The next day, everyone is a hung-over hot mess except for the Countess, who arises at 6 am sharp for calisthenics before sitting down with a half-decaf/ half-regular skim cap and a fruit cup on the veranda while she reads her daily horoscope. ‘Aaaaahhh… Good morning ladies,’ she purrs like the school mistress keeping everyone on task. Oh, you just wait Countess Oops I Crapped My Pants!

Pathetically before egg white omelets have even been delivered an argument erupts about whether or not male guests are permitted on a “girls trip.” It is no surprise that Ramona is adamantly against it. Does she even function before pinot? How was she coherent enough to start an argument with Carole over the semantics of overnight male guests on a girls trip? Why does Ramona always care if hubbies attend? Because Mario would rather stay home with his mistress?

Everyone starts chiming in about how they would have brought their hubbies or boyfriends and Carole fastens her cat eyes on Ramona’s crazy ones and tells her to “shut up.” Ramona, sensing that Carole is quiet but deadly, did. Knock me over with a feather! She probably feared that Carole would bill her for the room if she didn’t zip it. Or take away the wine dispenser!

While everyone is strapping on their least appropriate attire, Heather and Carole Facetime with Aviva who reveals she’s decided to brave the mini-plane, Reid by her side and arrive in St. Barths tomorrow. Heather and Carole are thrilled – they are also worried about Ramona’s reaction to Reid! No BOYS allowed in spinster village.

Each lady is apparently in charge of a day’s activities like this is some sort of degenerate summer camp for the middle-aged and in need of one last Turtle Time. Sexy Sonja takes charge on Day One. Off to the beach they go for some Captain Jack Rum shots (isn’t that some fun foreshadowing) and some inappropriate banter. Everyone is getting along – even, gasp: Ramona and Heather! Sonja lets it slip that Carole used to date George Clooney and she just went up a few notches in my book. Talk about the ultimate cougar prize!

Then they all get ready for a night out in Cougar Paradise aka Le Ti. Does that mean Cougar Den in French? It must. Lucky for LuAnn I don’t speak French fluently.

Sexy Sonja‘s dress was horrid. It was straight out of RHONJ. So, Le Ti. Le Ti is a place where sugar mommas hang out with gigolos young handsome men. And I apologize in advance for anyone who has actually been there and sees it for the trendy amazing place it was supposed to seem, but on TV it looked like a low-rent burlesque bar and I can see where Sexy Sonja learned her moves. See: RHONY Season 4, Sonja’s burlesque show.

Almost immediately the owner summons her young whippersnappers over to start serving up shots of tequila to the ladies. One of these young fine things happens to be a dead-ringer for Johnny Depp and his Jack Sparrow character. Did I mention he was wearing a pirate costume? I’m pretty sure he’s an extra at Disney World in the off season.

Anyway, he’s hot. And LuAnn is practically smacking her lips at the thought of devouring this man. She is not the only one! Sexy Sonja may have wanted to walk in first so all the boys would notice her, but it was LuAnn who stole their eyes with her serious pheromone spraying and bedroom eyes.

After shots and hopping  on a table to shake middle-aged butts. A pirate lad leads them backstage for a costume change. Yes – this happened. Why? I’m still confused (re: scarred). All the RHONY, all over them over the age of 40, are stuffed in to mid-drift bearing  bra-tops and sequined microminis while they are forced to put on an impromptu burlesque-ish show in front of an audience. If you look up the word “clusterfuck” in the dictionary this is the photo accompanying the definition.

LuAnn, wisely skipped out, preferring instead to sequester Pirate Jack for some one-on-one time at the bar. ‘Teach me about pirate booty’ she murmurs, ‘Teach me all about your dangerous rum-ways. In return I’ll teach you to scalp a bitch at a sample sale. I’m an indian princess didn’t you know. Or at least I was one last Halloween.’  Then she takes a couple more shots and she is getting a lot of pirate booty.

The other women are wise to her disappearing act, well, because they’re all salivating over Captain Jack Jr and are jealous that LuAnn scored him. I wonder how much he charged her?

The next morning, the villa is all abuzz about LuAnn and her late-night gentleman caller. Heather and Carole whisper that LuAnn was overheard speaking to a man at 3am. Actually Heather initially thought she heard two male voices, since LuAnn’s voice is so deep. And they were speaking French! So unless she smuggled Jacques onto St. Barths something happened with a different Frenchman? One in a pirate costume perhaps?

LuAnn emerges, perfectly dressed, albeit groggy, and wearing heels. She needs a coffee and everyone else needs an explanation. ‘Oh, those were just my old Italian friends!’ she laughs dismissively while desperately trying to call Jacques. Everyone knows she is telling a lie since they all heard her speaking French, not Italian. I’m very confused why, throughout the entire day and throughout all the chats they had about the subject, no one bothered to call her out? LuAnn repeatedly insists it was her Italian friends whom she brought back to the villa.

Heather is disappointed by the lie. LuAnn maintains her version of events which are ridiculous. Ramona is crowing over LuAnn’s trashy ways. When Sonja awakes, hung-over and looking like hell, Ramona describes her as “coma toast.” Everything Sonja does revolves around toast. Does she come with a crumb tray?

Later LuAnn is overheard telling her friend Cat – in French to thwart out eavesdropping I presume – that no one can know Johnny Depp Junior was with her at the villa last night. Who knows what she was actually inferring, but she definitely admits he was there! Another RHONY busted in the French translation. Didn’t this happen last year in Morocco with Mario, Ramona, and the other cheating allegations?

Apparently the ladies have decided let LuAnn squirm in her little lie. Here’s the thing – LuAnn claims she didn’t cheat, but if she didn’t do anything wrong why the lengths to deny it? Just admit he came over, looked at the place, and you’re embarrassed. It’s far more embarrassing to be caught in a lie on national TV – and it looks far more suspicious and ruins your reputation among your friends. It’s all so silly. Especially a lie as simple to disprove as the nationality of your guests – French and Italian sound nothing alike.

So, anyway, the girls are having a party and as they are preparing someone mentions that Reid and Aviva are arriving the next evening. Ramona’s antenna perk up immediately. But… Reid cannot infiltrate Spinster Village. He has not a vagina unless there is something we don’t know. Ramona asks where he’ll be staying and Heather tells her at the house. Which is simply unacceptable. LuAnn, Ramona, and Sonja go through a whole spiel about who will tell Aviva that Reid is not permitted, based purely on anatomy and not the deepness of his voice I presume.

Someone elects Carole to do it, but I’m sure she’ll refuse. And really what is the big flipping deal?! Then the party commences and who arrives first? But Captain Jack. Things are not looking good for our LuLu! Countess Foiled Again does not look happy.

So that was exciting!

[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – DO YOU THINK LUANN CHEATED? THOUGHTS ON ST. BARTHS ADVENTURE PART ONE? IS RAMONA TAKING THIS GIRLS TRIP THING A LITTLE TOO FAR?

 

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