Sometimes Real Housewives of New Jersey is the gift that keeps on giving. And sometimes it's the white elephant present that gets passed round and round at the party cause nobody wants to take it home. After last night's episode I have come to deduce two things: 1) That Kim D and the producers are crazy, maniacal, and will do anything for drama – hence setting up both Teresa Giudice AND Melissa Gorga OR 2) Teresa is the world's best actress, has truly missed her calling, and needs to get on Broadway ASAP.
I'll do my best to remain neutral in this recap because I have my own opinion on what's going on – regardless of what the other members of the RHONJ are attempting to spin. So it's just check my sanity at the door here and suspend my rational thoughts – you know like any good Jersey Housewife!
And I'll also do my best to remain positive, because when it's all said and done this wasn't a bad episode. For the most part everyone was nice to each other, respectful, and got along. Well, except for Richie Wakile who is doing his damnedest to stay relevant and carve himself a niche in the show. More on him in a minute.
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So things begin with Melissa planning an outfit to meet a record exec. She wants to look sexy so she can distract him from the fact that she is 30+ and a mom of three
with no talent other than a prodigious reliance on autotune. She's deciding between leopard print sandals and bejeweled ones. Both seem way too much for daytime – although maybe the meeting will be taking place at night. Who knows.
In the middle of meeting with her stylist she receives a totally random and not at all coincidental phone call from desperate-to-be-a-Housewife Kim D. She's inviting Melissa guess where?! I'll give you two snaps and a mad props if you guess. And if you guessed Posche Fashion Show, well then you're awesome!
Melissa and Kim apparently had some issues because Kim was calling Poison Gorga a crap business man all over town. So Kim calls, vomits out an apology in her fast-tawking, whatever manner and says – Posche Show! You in? Great – seating you with Teresa and Kathy Wakile. See ya, bitch! A defeated Melissa resigns herself to going to that thing because it's a requirement per her contract. Oh, I love how these producers think we don't see through their shenanigans which are as transparent as a stripper's bikini. Melissa ominously mentions, "I don't trust these Kim girls…" Me either!
Over at Teresa's house she is teaching her girls some Italian. But she doesn't speak the language only "dialect." Oh dear Lord. The girls are all looking at her like, 'You can barely pronounce our names and now you expect us to learn things from you?' Joe Giudice, the Teresa-proclaimed better speaker of the two, can't even read simple phrases in the translation book. Ingrediences University is a terrible flop. I hope they all get a refund.
Teresa tries to get Milania to tell her how old she is because Juicy can't remember. Milania screams that Teresa is not the boss of her. Oh, I believe it. Milania is the boss of Milania, Teresa – and all the troll dolls in her collection. Milania is such a renegade.
Sick of Teresa's ineptitude, Gia saves the day. She's all like, 'Bitch please, if you were a real teacher you'd be fired.' Poor Gia – something tells me she's always taking over and parenting her parents! She takes over Juicy U and the girls are quiet as church mice. Yes, even Milania. Gia must have threatened to take away her pizza.
In the middle of schooly stuff, Kim D arrives in the WORST weave I have ever laid eyes on. And that includes the months immediately after Britney Spears shaved her head. Kim D looks like Dee Snider circa the Twisted Sister years. She invites Teresa to the PFS and Teresa is worried there be drama with Caroline Manzo. Oh, that's the least of your concerns T! Kim is like, drama, what drama – this is a totally classy affair?!
I mean we snort lines of coke in the bathroom. Hello – class!
Teresa starts remembering the fun times she's had at the show. Like last year when she got to walk on stage and fight with Kathy in the dressing room over being a bad mom. And that amazing time when she got such good exercises chasing Danielle Staub around screaming that she was a bitch. Oh, yeah – she's totally going! This is like the most fun thing ever.
Next we check in with the Manzo Spawn. Lindsey has moved in, Albie is besotted, and Caroline is quickly plotting how she can manipulate him into dumping her. Lindsey is desperate to impress and is cooking brunch for the whole fam. It's sort of cute that Albie adores her and is supportive, although I was ready to rap on the TV and shout, 'Hey! Lindz! Don't waste your time – she'll never like you! And Lauren – well you lost her with 'fried ham and bacon.'
Chris has made some sort of bellini he's dubbing a Manzolini. He starts snarking on Teresa saying he's going to bottle it and sell it. Which was rude. I mean, I've tasted both Fabellini and BLK and I gotta say – Fabellini wins hands down. And not just because it contains alcohol.
So Caroline spends the whole brunch with a pinched look on her face while an oblivious Albie beams at his girlfriend. Then Lauren has an announcement – she's found a space for Cafface, her new boutique. Caroline pipes up that she is finally an empty nester
which means she needs an intravenous drip of Prozak so she and Al are ready to retire. Al, silent throughout the entire meal, wakes up to comment that he hopes they don't realize they can't stand each other. Ouch.
Next up Kathy is meeting with some bid-deal dessert distributors to pitch her one-bite desserts. She's got some fancy poster all made up and on it she's wearing the most appalling shirt ever. It can only lead me to believe Kim D styled her in sabotage. Anyway, if that was bad – Richie's behavior at the meeting was far worse. This scene was so staged it's dreadful.
Kathy warns him to let her do all the talking since, well, it's her product. Why he was there in lieu of some business manager remains a mystery. Hell, Milania would have been a better choice to accompany her! Richie begins by pointing out that the only reason all Kathy's desserts got eaten at her sampling in the parking lot was because they were free so she can't exactly rely on that for metrics. Then she changes track to say she loves appetizers and desserts make the perfect happy ending. Richie chooses that moment to make a "happy endings" joke.
Really, he was being so disrespectful and the execs were snickering, but only because they knew this was a set-up for TV. The worst of Richie's statements comes in the interview sessions when he deploys that Kathy "tastes like fish" and gets the job done. Really. I am not exaggerating when I say I gagged upon hearing that comment. I don't know why he's trying to steal Poison's shtick about the horny husband – but it's gross and needs to stop.
So, yeah… that left a bad taste in my mouth. And it certainly didn't help sell any of Kathy's desserts.
Then in yet another
filler scene to drag out this episode meeting Melissa and Poison go see some record executives. Poison behaved far better than Richie. They talked about why she needs a label as opposed to starting her own and she says she always dreamed of being the next Christina Aguilera while watching E! True Hollywood Story. Oh, little girl – don't let your dreams die. You can be anything you want to be. At least she's not being a stage mom and pimping out Antonia.
Next up, is another encounter with Kim 'Krazy Danger' D. I'm not sure if the "D" stands for demonic or deranged, but both will suffice. Anyway, Jacqueline Laurita and Caroline arrive at the mecca of drama aka Posche to try on outfits for the show. Neither will be walking, but apparently Kim wants to dress them from her cave of polyester.
Caroline refuses to try anything on citing well, sourpuss nature – and an allergy to sweat-shop made sequined micro-minis. Jacqueline shimmies into a black mini dress. She pulls her jeans down to her ankles, keeps her Uggs on, and slips the dress on. Then she walks out with the jeans bunched around her ankles. It was my favorite scene of the night.
Jacqueline complains that she looks fat and this sets Caroline off. She is tired of such remarks when Jacqueline is [thisbig] and Caroline is [this big] (her approximations, not mine). Didn't Caroline tell us recently she's always been tiny?
Then Kim discusses the PFS and says she wants to seat all the RHONJ at the same table. Caroline assures her she can keep it cordial and she seems legit. Jacqueline agrees that she too can be polite, even though she doesn't believe Teresa was sincere when they made amends and she thinks things are uncomfortable and fake between them.
The next day, Jacqueline and Melissa are having a playdate at Teresa's house. Jacqueline shows up first, Nicolas in tow, and Teresa is cooking for the kids while wearing hotpants and bondage sandals. Ok, then. Jacqueline declares that it's "awkward" and it seems to be. Melissa arrives with her kids and Teresa has never been so happy to see her in her whole life.
Everyone goes outside to play on some inflatable pool slide and the kids are all having a blast, Teresa and Melissa are getting along, being sweet, and Jacqueline is sitting by herself swinging with Nicholas.
Now, perhaps staying away from everyone had more to do with Nicholas' comfort, but it seemed like Jacqueline felt awkward and excluded so she chose to distance herself. Both Melissa and Teresa thought it was weird.
Then Lauren and Caroline go check out the new space for Cafface. And the only thing remarkable about this scene was that it was literally the first time we've seen Lauren smile and seem happy all season. Oh, and Caroline said something nice about her daughter on national TV.
Jacqueline talks to AshlEE on skype from LA. Ashlee seems jubilant and good for her. She loves her new job, has left the gas on in her apartment for three days and didn't die, and despite moving 3000 miles away for a fresh start in the big city she forgot to leave her flop hat in Jersey! #FashionFlop Ashlee also has a couple new tattoos, one reads: "I came, I saw, I conquered." A bit preemptive, don't we think? Aaaahhh… well, she's an artist – we just wouldn't understand.
And so it begins… The moment we've all be waiting for. The day has come. The most anticipated day in fashion. Screw the Academy Awards – the Posche Fashion Show is upon us.
Oh, Kim D – you crafty witch in a weave made of straw. You minx, with an evil streak as wide as the NJ Turnpike; you are beside yourself with glee as you envision yourself taking over this here show and making it your own.
Kim, rubs her hands together as she escorts Teresa into her friend's salon. 'I just want you to get your make-up done at this place I love. It'll be perfect,' she purrs as a nervous Teresa ascends the stairs. Teresa has a bad feeling about this – and bad feelings always make her get diarrhea. Our first clue that something ominous was on the horizon.
Teresa is worried because she usually does her make-up at home. She's hoping the make-up artist won't make her look "weird." Weird like she does in the interview segment where she is wearing the Flying Monkey of Oz costume and a helmet of spray-on hair?! Weird like that?
Meanwhile, Melissa and Kathy are getting ready together. They are resolved to let drama fall by the wayside and have a good time. Melissa doesn't entire understand Kim's apology, but she's going to have a positive attitude about it. She's been reading The Secret – and she's having a good week. Things are good; good with Teresa, good with her singing, good with her family – all is right with the world. Except the outfit she chooses to wear. That was not right with the world. And it was not styled by Posche. Our second clue that something ominous was coming.
Teresa is introduced to Angelo Vrohidis – the salon's PR Manager. Huh?! Say what?! What Salon has a PR Manager? Sign three… this is rapidly starting to seem like the movie Signs. I keep waiting for some crop signals to appear in Teresa's hair.
Angelo escorts the ladies upstairs, gets them a glass of champagne and then sidles over for a chat. He looks at Teresa for a second and in possibly the most rehearsed lines in this show's history tells her he knows Melissa because she used to work for him. Initially Teresa is nonchalant, like oh yeah, whadshe do? Angelo says Melissa danced for him. And Teresa looked liked she swallowed something very gross. Something very, very gross.
Crucify me if you want, but I THINK Teresa's reaction was genuine when she spoke to Angelo. She looked shocked, surprised, and uncertain of how to process the info. She tells Angelo she doesn't want to talk about her family and doesn't want to know. Kim D is practically levitating she's so thrilled she pulled off part one of the plan – and that she now has that juicy information. She smiles sweetly and asks Angelo for an ice cube.
Teresa conveys that she is still shocked, expresses that she's heard rumors, but keeps repeating that she doesn't want to talk about it – or know. Kim wants to talk about it though, in fact, she doesn't want to talk about anything BUT! Interestingly, I think Kim is wearing an evil eye necklace purchased from the Gretchen Christine Bootay Collection of Housewives Essentials. I am most certain Teresa will be rocking it at the reunion. Teresa keeps saying her heart is beating so fast.
Angelo returns and Kim is firing off the questions so fast my head is spinning: how long did Melissa dance, whaddid she do, was she popular, did the menz like her. About a year, she was very popular, and her customers were sad that she left. Teresa leaves the room to cower in the closet and guzzle champagne. Kim is laughing so hard her weave is breaking. She can't believe Little Miss Thank You Jesus, backwards cross, was a dancer. Oh, my! Teresa comes back when Angelo leaves and again tells Kim she doesn't want to talk about Melissa. Kim is relentless and keeps pooping out the information in little pebbles. It was gross.
NOW: Here is my opinion of what happened. You can like it – or not – but this is my take. I think Teresa HAS brought up to Kim D that she thought Melissa was a stripper. I think Kim D has told Teresa she knew people that knew Melissa from her Lookers days. I think Kim has long promised to expose Melissa and introduce Teresa to those people who can 'verify' she at least worked at Lookers. Remember, this rumor was apparently circulating pre-RHONJ. And Teresa was at one point furious at Melissa for joining the show.
I think when it actually came to fruition Teresa realized it was a mistake and she was sorry it happened.
I think Kim's motive is famewhoring – she wants to be on RHONJ and that is plain as day. Producers want drama and women who will guarantee to bring it.
HOWEVER, I do not think Teresa was in on the set-up. I think she was genuinely shocked when Angelo announced himself to be the proclaimed manager of Melissa from her stripper days. I think Teresa was uncertain of what to do and panicked. I do think she should have been more forceful in telling Kim D it was inappropriate for her to be inviting Angelo to the show. Unfortunately given her history with Melissa, who's to know if calling Melissa to warn her would have helped anything. I am sure no matter what this would have ended up blamed on Teresa and she would have been credited for participating in a set-up.
We'll see how it unfolds next week when all the ladies are promising Teresa will be revealed as the mastermind – or at least a willing participant.
Now, back to the show.
In limo one, bearing Krazy Kim and Teresa, Kim is musing about how she just wants a drama-free show and a good evening. Teresa looks uncomfortable. Does she have to poop? All the ladies arrive and Kim is squawking at Melissa about how hot she is and it's about the fakest thing since Kraft Cheese Slices. Melissa is not buying it and does an amazing impersonation of Kim D.
In the middle of it all Pete Giudice is randomly attending. None of the husbands are there, but Juicy's lookalike brother was? Kathy comments that there were a lot of men there and she wished Richie could have come. I think we've had enough of Richie for one episode…
Everyone sits down, the RHONJ are all seated together. Everyone is playing nice. Teresa and Kathy are having an in-depth discussion about tanning when a little friend named Angelo sidles up to the table. Teresa looks down at her sequins, lets their light reflect on her overly bronzed face, and she wills them to whisk her away into a world of all sparkles, all light, all love. A place Danielle, of all people, told her about.
Angelo asks Melissa if he remembers her. And I think Melissa did. It was hard to read her face in that moment. I couldn't tell if she was thinking fast or genuinely confused about where she knew this guy from. She claims she can't remember where she knows him from.
Dang – this is one hell of an awkward horror story dinner table. Is this American Horror Story or RHONJ? I think it's safe to say Kim D has officially taken over Danielle's crown as the resident Queen of the Crazy.
Author's Opinion: As you know I dedicate a lot of my life to investigating, stalking, making-fun-of, and writing about Housewives. What I've noticed is that despite all of this Teresa and Jacqueline still seem to support Posche and Kim D! Why do we think that is readers? Why, indeed?
Why is it required per their contract to attend the show (per Kim D's Tweets) and why does Bravo promote PFS when it is well-known Posche is a tiny boutique located in the middle of a shopping plaza with little to no clout? Oh the questions are endless!
Well, that's it. Next week is the official finale and everyone vows we will see how Teresa was involved in the set-up and blame her for everything. So I guess we wait. Aaahhh… The Gods of Editing.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SO FAR DO YOU BELIEVE TERESA WAS IN ON THE SET-UP? IF NOT, HOW SHOULD TERESA HAVE HANDLED THE SITUATION? DID RICHIE REALLY ANNOUNCE HIS WIFE "TASTES LIKE FISH" ON NATIONAL TV?