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Here's the conclusion I've come to regarding Real Housewives of New Jersey. Before the show, these women were nothing but actual Housewives – and they gossiped and talked about each other, themselves, their friends and family. They've known each other a long time and the past runs deep.

I'm positive they've confessed things to each other and about each other that they never thought would see the light of day on national TV. And even more so I imagine they can't even remember half of what they said to each other and so it's a constant cycle of backtracking, justifying, and irrational behavior. 

This makes them all liars. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. Them. Not calculated liars, but circumstantial ones. But because none of them can behave like human beings they all look bad. 

I'm positive all the anti- Teresa Giudice people are going to say I'm a biased for saying this, but who cares (to quote Juicy Giudice). I feel bad for her and this show has destroyed her life. Just as Jacqueline Laurita is not cut out for this, neither is Teresa. I recently watched some clips of S1 and S2 and she is a completely different woman. Teresa has lost her light and has become severe and harsh. This show has consumed her – and it's really unflattering. 

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Teresa needs to get off reality TV. Right now. Tomorrow. DO NOT renew for season 5. Take whatever fame you have accumulated and spin it into a new show. I think she would be great at a cooking show, where her fun-side is the spotlight and her family is the peripheral.

I think Teresa is clinging to RHONJ because she feels it's something that defines her and she doesn't want to appear to be giving up the fight and letting the others win. But she is. 

Clearly – and for whatever reason since we are not privy to what really happens – these ladies have a vendetta against Teresa. And it's not going away. I certainly hope that 15 minutes of fame has not caused a family rift so deep Teresa and Poison Gorga haven't spoken for a year. Family dramas are very complicated and have absolutely ZERO business playing out on reality TV for the entertainment fodder of the public. 

Also for all Melissa Gorga's insistence that she is the "victim," that is nonsense. Melissa is no victim; she clawed her way onto this show and allowed jealousy and quest for fame to lead her to a dark place. She did contact Danielle Staub and conspired with her! That's some dastardly behavior, right there! Soap opera level. 

Melissa knew what she was doing from day one. Melissa is as bad as Teresa. I've said it before – those two are two peas in a sequined, polyester, cheap perfume smelling pod – and they deserve each other. All the Louboutins and fancy insistence that they live the fabulous life cannot disguise that Melissa is running from her past like it's an ax murderer in the dark.

Melissa is more likable than Teresa on a personal level, and she plays the game a lot better. She has much more people savvy than the unfiltered Teresa, but she is no victim of Teresa's 

Just as Caroline Manzo does not bully Teresa. Caroline may bully other people, but she doesn't bully Teresa. Teresa can hold her own and Caroline knows it. Caroline is furious about Teresa because she knows, no matter what, Teresa cannot be controlled. She isn't Jacqueline. And even worse, Dina Manzo has squirmed herself out from under Caroline's thumb – and Caroline holds Teresa responsible. 

I don't think Caroline is a bully, but I do think she is a know-it-all and a hypocrite. With a completely straight face, she blames Teresa for talking about her to Dina, claiming Teresa has no right when we have a complete season's worth of footage of her slamming Teresa to Jacqueline, Melissa, and Kathy Wakile.

Caroline was rude to Teresa's daughter – and she made serious accusations against Teresa's marriage. And I don't doubt for one second that Teresa is probably going to wise up and leave Juicy.

So here is my advice for these women: Stay off twitter, pick up the phone like normal people, and take a break from trying to justify your own behavior. I think you'll find it very freeing. What exactly are they holding on for? More embarrassment? 

It is pretty much useless to recap the hour of shrieking I witnessed last night, plus I had one too many Jersey cocktails, but I'll try and give you the highlights. The highest light of all was the "On Display" off. I think Teresa's singing may have been my favorite moment on this show ever. 

So things begin with Rosie Pierri's massive backstage meltdown; screaming she's going to kill Teresa and cut her tongue out. How is it that, out of all the screaming, Rosie is still sounding the most crazy so far? Please take a Xanax from the candy bowl and simmer down. Meanwhile Andy Cohen is up front doing his best Dr. Drew impersonation. Lauren calms Rosie down, shoves a horse tranquilizer down her throat, paints her face like a paint-by-numbers project, and Rosie takes the stage to talk coming out and her "positive' relationship with her sister, Kathy

Andy touts it as one of the few bright spots of the show. Teresa keeps interjecting to insist Kathy and Rosie weren't always BFF and both of them are shooting her death eyes and warning her.

Caroline practically grabs Teresa by the shoulders and shakes her. 'STOPPIT,' she wails as if this is A Streetcar Named Desire. 'Get a hold of yourself. You are destroying your life for 15 minutes of fame! You're going to end up alone, and crazy, with nothing but fake eyelashes and some cheaply made gold accent furniture.'  

Caroline says this has all spiraled out of control. She's right. Thank you for being rational, Mama Manzo. 

All of the sudden Melissa starts screaming about how Teresa is "bashing" her marriage. "You don't get to sit here and play victim," she shrieks. "I'm the victim." Um… no, WE are the victims. Of RHONJ's crazy, fake, scheming ways. Melissa seems to feel vindicated that Teresa and Poison do not speak. I'm just going to focus on how much I like Melissa's shoes. 

Kathy and Teresa start at it again over Teresa's mom. Kathy apologizes and to prove she accepts, Teresa moves back to the "family" sofa. Musical sequins over there. 

Andy asks Teresa if Caroline bullies her. Teresa admits she feels bad for the way she treated Danielle after seeing how Caroline has treated her – and she seems sincere. Seriously! I rewound to triple check. Then things fall apart for Teresa when Caroline asks her for one example of how she bullied her. Teresa is stumped. Literally stumped as if Caroline asked her to quote Shakespeare or list the numerical properties for Pi. 

Teresa says her fans think Caroline is a bully, therefore she does, then Caroline doesn't bully her, then she does but it doesn't affect her. No wait, Caroline does bully her. And ummm.. yeah, like, the whole season. "I felt bullied by you," Teresa tries. Obviously not since she can't answer. The Gia thing at field day never popped into her head? 

Teresa, Caroline, and Jacqueline actually manage a civil discussion for five minutes when Teresa admits she felt hurt after Melissa and Kathy joined the show. Caroline tries to make the parallel to her and Dina and wonders if Teresa considered how she may feel seeing Dina attend the Fabellini party.

Teresa says Dina is her friend and came to "support" her. And therein lies the problem. Caroline does not want Dina to be Teresa's friend. Apparently it's OK that she is friends with Melissa. And Caroline wants to blame Teresa for the problems in her relationship with Dina. 

And then comes the moment I've been waiting for FOR WEEKS! The On Display sing-off. Oh, this is a classic. Teresa challenges Melissa to sing without lipsyncing and Melissa rebuts that she doesn't say negative things about her cookbook. True, true. Teresa demands Melissa sing – not just a few lines but an entire song. Melissa starts belting out some lyrics and it's ok. I'm mean she's not Mariah, but it's better than I can do. 

And then Teresa is like 'Now me! I can sing too!' Like they're little kids playing around with a karaoke machine. Teresa busts out with "On Display" and really and truly, greatest moment of the show! Oh, the delusions. The crazy! 

Melissa points out that Teresa is trying to downgrade her music career and then Jacqueline decides it's time for a nap. Melissa accuses Teresa of being a cooking fraud. Apparently her mom cooks everything, then Teresa tweets a photo. Teresa is screaming for people to bring her chicken cutlets, clams, tilapia, cows still mooing on the range, and full pigs awaiting butchering! And she's going to prepare it all – along with homemade pasta – without damaging one single sequin. I see a new book coming on: Fabulicious Cooking Challenge! How to Butcher, Prep, and Serve In Under 5 Minutes Without Chipping a Nail. Move over, Martha – here comes Teresa! 

Melissa opens up about selling her house and she claims wants to move away from the Giudices because she doesn't want Teresa's daughters ganging up on Antonia at school. Miss Melissa was was really, really trying to muster up those tears. Acting is not Melissa's forte. 

Teresa claims Melissa only moved there because she couldn't afford Franklin Lakes and an argument ensues about money. And then Poison. Teresa says Melissa initially dated Poison's best friend and wanted nothing to do with him. Melissa shoves Teresa's arm and insists it's not true. Teresa retaliates by threatening to call the cops. "I will press charges!" she snaps. Oh that would have just be the best thing ever if the cops showed up – that would be a Danielle-esque maneuver. 

The two continue arguing about Melissa's marriage. Teresa says now she doesn't believe Melissa is with Joe for his money. Melissa accuses Teresa of being jealous that she married for love and has a happy marriage. Teresa accuses Melissa of the Danielle thing again. Teresa insists that "On Display" was about her.

Wait. Hold on. WHAT?! is going on here?! Is Teresa claiming she is Melissa's muse? I thought "On Display" was about Melissa's metaphorical dream world once she dumped Joe, married Brad Pitt, and was a big, big star far beyond reality TV. My bad. They start arguing about Melissa's motivation for joining the show. I've tuned out. 

THEN Teresa starts thanking God and bowing down to the Pier One coffee table that she is no longer friends with Caroline and Jacqueline. Teresa has been doing yoga and feels renewed. Melissa says Teresa is fake. "The person who says they're not fake is the most fake. Everybody knows that." True words…  Teresa and Melissa really need to just go off together and live happily ever after. Either that or be Amazing Race partners. 

The crazy is really reaching a peak here, which is why it's the perfect time to bring out Juicy who is chugging Red Bull and in need of Botox. Juicy is rocking the spread collar Saturday Night Fever look with a twist of purple people eater. 

He explains the phone call in Napa. Everyone is silent while this is going on and making terse expressions. Awwwwkward! 

After some consideration Juicy claims he was talking to "Albie," his co-worker. Like he didn't have months to prepare. Maybe he was thinking of telling the truth… He insists he would have taken his mic off if he was talking to a girlfriend. And he claims he never, ever uses the c-word and that was an isolated incident he feels very badly for. 

I do think Juicy is lying. And it's not appropriate to discuss this at the reunion. Teresa continues to delusionally defend her marriage, claiming they're happy. Melissa chimes in that the "groaning" heard during the call was a red flag. Um… right. Teresa squawks like a parrot. She needs more Xanax. 

Joe admits the fight over the phone call lasted three days and he blames Andy for showing the episode. It cost him a lot of money in diamonds. Should they really be cavalierly discussing how much they're spending? Joe also insists Teresa doesn't bring home his bacon and her money is her money – and his money is her money. Oh dear… seriously. Bankruptcy, people. Millions owed? Shhhht about the bank accounts. 

Andy asks Jacqueline for her reaction, and she tries to be indifferent, except for admitting to the name calling. Then Teresa brings up that Jacqueline told her Chris cheated on her a long time ago, which Jacqueline denies. Juicy interjects to say nobody cares, but clearly Jacqueline does. Right, honey?

She starts in on Teresa's marriage making accusations of verbal and physical abuse; saying Teresa has punched Juicy and they name call all the time. Yikes! 

She outs Juicy's alleged affairs. The man is busier than Poison – and has a much harder time keeping it in his pants. Apparently he is busy with the baby-sitter, the secretary, and numerous others – and Teresa even caught him having sex on his desk. Sounds like a movie plot. A movie, I don't want to see though. A movie Danielle may star in.

Jacqueline declares Danielle alleges Juicy was hanging out with strippers all night once while she was there! So now we are taking Danielle's word as truth? And Danielle was (is?) a stripper, so yeah he was out with a stripper! Juicy tells Jacqueline she has serious issues – and he should know. 

Melissa starts complaining about how Teresa is always talking about everyone's marriage, but no one is allowed to talk about hers. Juicy speaks for all of us when he pipes up that "nobody cares." Teresa sets the record straight – she didn't say Melissa's marriage was fake, she said MELISSA was fake. And an "opportunitist." What's wrong with being an opportunist, Andy wonders? 

And that's it! Next week signals the arrival of Kim D – and the rest of the hubbies who aren't scandalous enough to warrant an individual segment. And finally we're free as it's also the final segment in this never-ending season of drama. 

[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]

DO YOU THINK CAROLINE BULLIED TERESA? WHO WON THE SING-OFF: TERESA OR MELISSA? THOUGHTS ON THE JUICY SEGMENT?

 


 

 

 

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