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Part two of the Shahs of Sunset reunion special aired last night. And it was honestly the most disturbing hour of reality TV that I have ever watched. I still have not recovered.

Just being honest from the get go – Reza Farahan and Asa Soltan Rahmati disgust and annoy me, respectively. I barely tolerate Lilly Ghalichi and Mike Shouhed. I accept Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi for who she is – faults and all – because she never pretends to be something that she's not. My heart breaks for Mercedes "MJ" Javid. And I'm irrationally angry that she'd even consider reconciling with Reza

With that said, Andy Cohen kicks things off by asking the Shahs of Sunset why they refer to themselves as Persians and not Iranians. MJ acknowledges that Persian is technically not correct, adding, "But we do enjoy using the word Persian because it rolls off the tongue. It's pretty." 
 
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Focus #1 – Work Ethic
 
Mike says, as Persians, they're expected to hustle. Reza's driving force is his need for materialistic things.
 
Asa brags about her amazing year, and I'm like, she can't seriously be making any money from those Persian Pop Priestess shenanigans, can she? Asa informs us that Persia Palooza sold out, though I suspect that had more to do with the infamous Andy than her, and she has two degrees from UCLA. Unless she sends her "degrees" out into the work force each day, like two little minions, I fail to understand how that's relevant.
 
Well, your degrees are admirable, but where do you get your money?  Asa says, "I work really hard, and I hustle every single day." Asa is clearly incapable of answering a direct question. 
 
I hope this the part of the season where Asa's all like, GOTCHA. Diamond Water is a joke. Y'all got PUNK'D! If only. Instead, Asa's eyes light up as she talks about water and diamond energy. MJ shares her doubts, saying, "I don't think diamonds are ever going to interact with water in a significant way." Asa asks MJ why she can't just be happy for her. MJ says she's just being real. Lilly pipes up, whining, "MJ can never be happy for her friends." Can we deflate her now? 
 
"This is my dream," Asa the Great begins. "I want to bring people a healthy beverage enhanced with diamonds. That's my dream. Nobody else has to believe in it. I believe in it." 
 
So, GG, what do you think about diamond water? GG says, "I don't think about it." BWAHAHA
 
"Business is something that no matter how stupid the other person might think it is, we're working our balls off to do what we're doing and to be the best at what we're doing," GG adds. "Power to whatever she wants to do. I'm not here to knock her down for it."
 
Reza bellows, "All of you are going to be borrowing money from Asa. Hardy. Har. Har." Like a good little sidekick, Lilly adds, "Asa's going to be laughing all the way to the bank. He. He. He." You think? Google "shahs of sunset net worth" once, Lilly Joon, and then stick a curling iron in your mouth and STFU. 
 
Viewer question time! Asa, you say you are passionate about helping your family but you live in a big house, poured cement over 30K in gold coins, and drive an expensive car. Why not scale back your own life to help them more?
 
Asa averts another question time! Asa reminds us that she has financially supported her parents since her early twenties. Again,that's admirable, but you're not answering the question. Asa adds, "In order for me to be able to really help them and make big money, I need to take big risks in my life." 
 
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Andy asks GG if she would like comment on Asa's situation. GG takes this opportunity to point out that Asa's stories never add up and/or make sense. GG adds, "Someone is wearing stacks of gold all the time.. but says she has no money and her mom is crying on the couch because there's no money… if that were me, I would take off all that gold and sell it, sell my house and my car, and make sure that my parents were more comfortable." 
 
Asa's patronizing word of choice: Wow.
 
Rather than acknowledge what GG actually said, Asa attacks GG for her life, which is funded by the Bank of Daddy. Personally, I'm really tired of this counter argument from Asa, as it's quite irrelevant. Does GG's dad support her? Yes. Does she need to apologize for it? No. Does GG's privileged life have anything to do with Asa's froot loop career choices? No. Do I think Asa is insanely jealous? Yes.
 
Asa goes on to tell GG that her money situation is none of her f–king business. I'd tell Asa that this is a two-way street but she'd just pull her "Me? What did I do? Feel the Earth's love. You're whack." nonsense. GG adds, "I don't one day say that I'm broke and then one day dress up like a millionaire." In my opinion, Asa only cares about fame and fortune, and she thinks being "funky" puts her above her competition. 
 
Dropping Asa for now, thankfully, Andy asks GG about GG's Hair Extensions. Business is booming, according to GG, and she can barely keep up with the demand. Asa asks GG, "You wear your own extensions?" GG says, "Yes," and Asa mumbles, "I thought you didn't." Asa laughs at and applauds for herself. I seriously hate her. What happened to… I wish my friends could just be happy for me… she's such a hypocrite.
 
Moving on to MJ's business, which is real estate, and the fact that Reza has repeatedly dissed her work ethic. MJ reveals, "This year, Reza said to me that it really bruised his ego that he has to work ten times hard to make less money." To Reza, MJ says, "Don't hate me because I don't have to put in as many hours as someone else does." Or, just maybe, MJ's need for material things isn't as outrageous as Reza's, therefore, she doesn't want for as much income.
 
Reza and Mike team up and direct their jealous rage toward MJ. Mike is like, Reza sold $7 million worth of real estate in December alone, and Reza is like, we can see that MJ sold only one condo. To Reza, MJ says, "Stop shoving into everyone's ears your stupid jealous lies." Reza childishly pretends to snore. When MJ mentions something about how successful real estate agents do not report, Reza is like, I'm sorry, but, what do you know about being a successful real estate agent?
 
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Focus #2 – Finding Love
 
GG and Omid Kalantari's engagement / no engagement is up first. Mike, Asa, Reza, and Lilly all believe GG faked her engagement to Omid. Mike attacks the hardest, saying, "You shouldn't make a mockery of such a thing. He's out being a rock star, and you're claiming that you're engaged with a Cracker Jack fake diamond." Lilly, who is desperately trying to remain relevant, claims to know someone who hooked up with Omid the night GG announced their engagement.
 
Asa and Jermaine Jackson Jr. want to be together forever. Reza prefers natural armpits and continues to make a mockery of monogamy. Mike and Jessica Parido are as happy as ever. Lilly… poor insufferable Lilly… will most likely die alone.
 
MJ says that she and George Khouri (also known as Drizzy and/or Persian Drake) went hot and heavy until Halloween, fizzled out over the holidays, and have been trying to rekindle their relationship since the beginning of the year. Reza finds this hilarious, saying, "People are tweeting me pictures of him at a gay club. They're not really together. She was getting double stuffed by two Jewish cousins. It' a fake boyfriend. Everything about her is fake."
 
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Focus #3 – Bitchy Reza
 
Reza wants non-addict MJ back. So, Reza, why didn't MJ's alleged substance abuse problem come up more during the course of your twenty year friendship and two season show? Reza deflects, saying, "MJ has been lying so much and drinking and taking so many pills that she actually now lives in an alternative universe." Well, that's an interesting point of view, but that doesn't explain why you haven't reacted sooner. 
 
Personally, I think fame went right to Reza's head. Desperate to be seen as the star of the show, Reza upped his season two game and tried to be extra snarky and hilarious. He went too far, with his two mean girls by his side, and turned off a lot of viewers. Reza started to feel the negative (much to his shock) backlash so he made up the pill popping story to make it appear as if he's trying to MJ a favor. Hence the reason why the accusations came out of nowhere. While I do think MJ drinks too much, I do not truly believe she's addicted to pills of any kind. I respect the fact that others see thing differently but that's my honest gut reaction/opinion.
 
Andy asks Asa and Reza if they realize that viewers think they've behaved obnoxiously, like two mean girls. Asa claims MJ was protected by production, to which Andy says, "I saw that show, and I didn't think she came off that great."
 
Mike tells Reza that it's neither the time nor the place to make such accusations. And, once again, Mike admits that he's never seen MJ abuse pills. When Mike suggests Reza should talk to MJ in private, Reza is like, we're on a reality show! Huh? Clearly, in Reza's mind, putting on a good show outweighs morals and respect and being a decent human being. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. I could not despise this person more if I tried.
 
Reza is like, when MJ goes to rehab, I'll allow her the pleasure of being my friend again. Le sigh. When MJ says he has gone well past the point of forgiveness, Reza screams, "You are a sociopath. You need help!" MJ begs for a reason as to why Reza is treating her this way, and Reza yells, "You are a liar. Sociopath! Sociopath! Sociopath! You're 40. You robbed a bank. You can't sell real estate. You don't have any hair. Your lips are fake. Your boobs are fake. Everything about you, from the head to toe, is fake."
 
Reza keeps on, screaming, "You mean nothing to your country. You robbed a bank. You're a convicted felon." MJ explains the situation that led to her being convicted of bank fraud at the age of 18. Reza picks up right where he left off, yelling, "Everything about you is a lie! You are a raging alcoholic who pops pills and until you get to rehab I don't want anything to do with you! You are 40!" I find Reza's "you're 40" jab hilarious considering he's not that far from 40 himself. 
 
So, Reza, viewers don't like when refer to women as bitches and hos. Reza takes this opportunity to say to MJ, "I may call my mom a ho and a bitch, but your mom IS a ho and a bitch." I have no words. Reza continues to scream much of the same at MJ while Asa and Lilly giggle. I'm done with this.
 
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Focus # 4 – Family Issues
 
MJ and her mom, Vida, are better than they have ever been. That said, there's still a lot of work that needs to be done. Reza offers his opinion, saying, "MJ needs to heal things that are old, but her mom doesn't want to go there." 
 
MJ fears that she has inherited her mother's toxic way of communicating with others. About MJ's upbringing, Lilly says, "It does humanize her to even me, all the horrible things she has said about me, you feel bad for her. I feel sorry for her." 
 
Reza. Ugh, after witnessing the last 50 minutes, I really cannot muster up any sympathy for him. Reza is reduced to tears, talking about his father asking for forgiveness for being a ho, and all I can think is the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. 
 
Reza thanks MJ for her unconditional support during his trying times with his family. Note to Reza: That's how real friends act. But, I'm sorry, what would you know about being a real friend? 
 
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Focus # 5 – Final Thoughts
 
Andy reminds us that unlike the rest of Bravo's lineup the Shahs of Sunset are all real friends with real history. Mike's heart melts.  Am I watching the same show?
 
Shahs of Sunset taught Lilly how to be a better person. GG believes in second, third, fourth, and fifth chances and hopes to work things out with her "friends" someday. MJ hopes she and Reza can work their way back to each other, to which Reza says, "Regardless of where we are right in this moment, she is still my blood. You can't undo twenty years." 
 
MJ – NO! NO! NO! Reza – One most certainly can undo twenty years of friendship by being a vile, rude, self-centered, and condescending human being. 
 
The disastrous second season of Shahs of Sunset ends in a group hug.
 
TELL US – YOUR FINAL THOUGHTS ON SEASON TWO?
 
Photo credit: BRAVO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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