Sequins! Spray Tans! (Semi) Stars! Season 16 of Dancing with the Stars!
Hosts Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke-Charvet introduce us to this season’s stars. We have two country singers, a boxer, a soap star, a Lisa Vanderpump, two comedians, a Disney kid, a Bachelor, a gymnast, a figure skater, and a football player.
Rehearsal: Kellie, the roller-skating waitress turned American Idol hopeful turned award-winning country music singer/songwriter, is cute, funny, and spunky. And a natural dancer. Kellie says that she kids around a lot but definitely wants to take Derek's balls, err, the mirror ball home with her. Though, since Derek is the Dancing with the Stars golden boy, there isn't much difference.
Cha Cha Cha: The hips, the tassels, the legs, OMG. Kellie has an amazing body and knows how to move it.
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Judges: Len says, "Yum, yum, pig's bum, that was fun." Bruno, who is already out of his chair and talking dirty, looks forward to "the shape" of things to come. Take a
cold shower seat, Bruno. Carrie Ann compliments Kellie's torso movements.
Skybox: Kellie is crazy excited. My gut tells me that Kellie is going to go far. She has Derek's fans, American Idol fans, and country music fans rooting for her.
Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold
Rehearsal: Victor, a boxer, has championed through a broken home, a broken wrist, and a broken jaw to find his way to Dancing with the Stars. Victor needs a lot of practice. Lindsay, So You Think You Can Dance alum and Dancing with the Stars newcomer, confirms that he kind of sucks.
Foxtrot: Well, they look pretty, so there's that. Victor needs to loosen up and stand up straight.
Judges: Bruno sees a combination of boyish charm and Latino passion. Carrie Ann needs to calm her loins. Len says, "This was a little bit uneventful for me."
Skybox: Victor shares that he agreed to Dancing with the Stars after he broke his jaw. Nothing better to do, right?
Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson
Rehearsal: The General Hospital hunk meets Kym on a beach in Hawaii. She's wearing a bikini, and Ingo says, ""My first impression of Kym was… awesome… because she won twice." Yes, right then, I'm sure that Kym's mirror ball trophies were the two things that impressed him most.
Contemporary: Ingo has both the acting chops (to show emotion) and the muscles (to nail the lifts) to pull this off.
Judges: Carrie Ann says she felt Ingo's connection with
her nether regions the music and Kym. Len is not impressed, saying, "Okay. You can do a lift. I want you to show me that you can dance." Carrie Ann obnoxiously talks over Len. Jack in the Box Bruno pops up out of his chair to compare Ingo to Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook.
Skybox: Ingo admits that the dance was harder than he expected it to be.
Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko
Rehearsal: Lisa feels like she's walking into an arranged marriage. To Giggy, Lisa says, "Gleb is a gorgeous, hot, hunky man, so Giggy you're going to have to understand that there's a new man in our life."
While dancing, Gleb tells Lisa that she needs to bring her body in closer, but she's not comfortable with it yet. She comes around. She shakes it off, says "knees together just like my mother always told me," and goes for it. Lisa jokes, "I'm happy to be as unfaithful as it takes to make a good dance but jeez it's really in your space." Of course, it doesn't help that Gleb seems to have an aversion to shirts and appears to enjoy toying with Lisa. He's all like, come on, Lisa, give it to me, and they fall onto the floor in a fit of laughter.
Foxtrot: Lisa looks beautiful in pink. Lisa and Gleb end the dance with an itty bitty kiss.
Judges: Len calls it acceptable but not exceptional, says there was too much staggering about, and warns Lisa that she must improve. Bruno says, "Luscious Lisa, because you've got so many rocks around your neck, you couldn't sustain your posture." Carrie Ann says it looked like Lisa was being dragged around, adding, "Hold your own." Remembering her unease in rehearsal, Lisa quips, "I'd rather hold my own than his."
Skybox: Giggy joins Lisa and Gleb in the skybox. Tom jokes about Giggy's "hammered" look. Thankful that it's over, Lisa demands, "I think Giggy deserves a ten." Gleb promises to take off his shirt and bring sexy back.
D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke
Rehearsal: D.L. nicknames himself Boogie Fantastic, adding, "It's really hard to go home and tell your son to clean his room after he's seen me in tights and cute heels." So, D.L. is funny, but he might want to reconsider the nickname. His boogie isn't so fantastic in rehearsal.
Cha Cha Cha: D.L. lacks connection, musicality, skill, pretty much everything. In an attempt to make up for her partner's shortcoming, Cheryl shakes everything she has and more, but I have a feeling she's going to have an easy (non-existent) season.
Judges: Bruno moans, "OMG. You have terminated the Cha Cha Cha." Carrie Ann says, "That was y-y-y-yikes. You better go back to work and practice." Len calls it rough, adding, "Work your butt off or it's a boulevard of broken dreams from here."
Skybox: D.L. takes the criticism well.
Rehearsal: The virgin Bachelor says that he "doesn't discuss his personal life" much. This is the same guy who just bared his soul and got engaged on TV. Peta tells Sean to "rub himself a little bit" and Sean is like "whoa."
Foxtrot: Sean is not shirtless. In fact, he's dressed like Hugh Hefner, and I giggle about Desiree's brother calling him a player. There's a rose, of course, and he makes great choreography look cheesy. Sean cannot be voted off soon enough as far as I'm concerned.
Judges: Len says it lacked finesse. Bruno tells Sean to refine his movements, adding, "But some people like it a little rough." Carrie Ann says she likes it rough.
Skybox: Brooke proves to be useless.
Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy
Rehearsal: Zendaya, hip hop dancer and star of Disney's Shake It Up!, has her eye on the prize. No, not the too yummy for words Val, as she's only 16, but the actual prize. Val seems hesitant about a contemporary dance, adding, "It needs to be in good taste, but I'm definitely not going to sacrifice the passion and substance of it just because she's 16."
Contemporary: Amazing. Val and Zendaya nail every step, every emotion, and every lift.
Judges: Once Carrie Ann calms the hell down, she says, "You're a fantastic dancer with a maturity that is unexpected out of a 16 year old." Len: "Three words I never thought I'd say week one - that was fantastic." Bruno compliments Val's choreography.
Skybox: Zendaya denies any advantage that she might have already, saying, "Hip hop is all about the slouch and the swag and the posture police is on me all the time here."
Alexandra Raisman and Mark Ballas
Rehearsal: Mark tells Olympic gymnast Aly to loosen up and find her natural groove. Aly is excited to show us
her boobs fun side.
Cha Cha Cha: Aly's boobs are pushed up to her neck. Mark mugs for the camera. Sorry, Aly, but I instinctively dislike anyone who dances with Mark.
Judges: Bruno tells Aly that she's "ready to burst out big time." I have no idea if he means her boobs or her dance potential. Carrie Ann commends her "go get 'em" approach but warns her to "stay with the music." Len enjoys her vitality.
Skybox: Once again, I don't know what happens in the skybox, because Brooke is the worst interviewer ever.
Dorothy Hamill and Tristan MacManus
Rehearsal: Dorothy talks about her recent battle with breast cancer and how Kristi Yamaguchi's turn on Dancing with the Stars helped her through her recovery. Dorothy is partnered with my favorite Lucky Charm, Tristan.
Contemporary: The costumes and set are lovely. Dorothy has oodles of potential. I want to wrap myself up in Tristan's suspenders.
Judges: Carrie Ann says, ""You brought the athleticism, but you told a story." Len says that it was beautiful. Bruno felt it. Deeply.
Skybox: Dorothy is very emotional.
Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess
Rehearsal: So, Andy is quite humble and likable, and I'm shocked. Andy puts it all out there: He lost everything as a result of his drug and alcohol abuse. He's sober now and works hard to stay that way. He's grateful for this opportunity and takes it very seriously. To Sharna, he says, "I'm your bitch."
Foxtrot: Andy, sporting a top hat and tails, is super charming on the dance floor. He continues to surprise me. I absolutely love their dance.
Judges: Bruno admits that he enjoyed it but in a very crazy way. Carrie Ann says, "You reminded me of watching the ugly duckling come to life." Len compliments Sharna's choreography but gripes about Andy's technique, saying, "This had the fluidity of Robocop." The audience boos.
Skybox: Several of the other stars and pros get up to congratulate Andy. "So, you're an addict, huh?" says Brooke. Caught off guard, Andy says, "You went there." The interview pretty much falls flat after that.
Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani
Rehearsal: Wynonna brags about her five Grammys, 23 hit singles, and over 20 million records sold. Was her past success as a country music artist in question?
Cha Cha Cha: It happened. But, unlike Victor and Lindsay, they don't look cute doing it. Wynonna alternates between walking and standing.
Judges: Len says, "I thought you came out and did a very good performance." Bruno adds, "We all love a giver and I know you can give it plenty." Bruno shakes his hips and asks for more. Carrie says Wynonna worked it. So, every season there's one contestant who the judges are afraid to critique, and here it is for this season.
Skybox: The camera spends more time on mom Naomi and sister Ashley (love her) than it does on
full of herself Wynonna. I adore Tony, but I don't think I'll be able to get behind this pairing.
Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff
Rehearsal: Jacoby barely rehearses thanks to recent knee surgery. Karina freaks out.
Cha Cha Cha: Jacoby and Karina look great in purple. The dance is highly entertaining, though not technically perfect. That said, Jacoby is awfully charming. Technique can be taught. Personality cannot. (I'm looking at you, Sean.)
Judges: Carrie Ann says it felt like a medley of touchdown dances. Len grumps "all icing and no cake" and "performance driven" and "terrible technique." Bruno adds, "You have the potential to be season 16's steaming sex machine." It's always a pleasure to hear from Bruno. Len looks embarrassed to be alive.
Skybox: I cannot understand a word Jacoby says.
Zendaya and Val: 24
Aly and Mark: 21
Dorothy and Tristan: 21
Kellie and Derek: 21
Ingo and Kym: 20
Jacoby and Karina: 20
Sean and Peta: 19
Lisa and Gleb: 18
Victor and Lindsay: 18
Wynonna and Tony: 18
Andy and Sharna: 17
D.L. and Cheryl: 12
On a personal note, I missed Maks and Anna. On a show note, no Dancing with the Stars elimination this week. This week's scores and votes will be combined with the votes and scores from next Monday’s performance show. The first results show is Tuesday, March 26.
TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE FIRST NIGHT? DID YOU TUNE IN JUST TO SEE LISA?
Photo credit: ABC