Bravo's Princesses: Long Island is beginning to wrap up its first (and last?) season. This week, Chanel Omari faces her younger sister's wedding, Joey Lauren's father asks her to move out of his house, Erica Gimbel imitates a monkey to dodge a serious talk about marriage, Casey Cohen continues to serve no purpose, and Amanda Bertoncini sets up a date for Ashlee White.
Ashlee's parents are away for the night. Ashlee reveals that she's hosting a sleepover in lieu of sleeping alone like a big girl. What, no nanny? Then, Ashlee's mom calls to check in, and the wretched troll complains about a mixed cheese tray. "I'm not serving mixed cheese – that's disgusting," she says. "Poor people mix things."
Ashlee's sleepover guests include Chanel and Amanda. The girls change into their sleep attire – footed jammies with a diaper flap for Ashlee, satin nightie for Chanel, and Frederick's of Hollywood for Amanda – and settle in for some wine, rich people cheese, and a game of Never Have I Ever. I swear, these women get more annoying every single week.
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But first, Ashlee puts Amanda on the spot, asking why she told Joey that she talks shit about her. Amanda tells Ashlee that she doesn't want to be in the middle of her fight with Joey, which prompts Ashlee to say, "If a person doesn't want to get involved in a situation, then they shouldn't say anything at all." This prompts me to say, "Dear Ashlee, If you don't want your mean girl words to get back to your mean girl target, then don't say anything at all."
Ashlee notes to self that Amanda is more high school than she thought. Rich coming from the 30 year old who can't function without her parents holding her hand and wiping her ass, no? Moving on, the game of Never Have I Ever reveals that Ashlee may be a virgin, and Amanda busts out laughing RIGHT in Ashlee's FACE. Best. Scene. Ever. "That explains why Ashlee is so stiff," she says to the camera. "She needs to get laid."
Next, Joey and her dad share another tense convo about Joey's business venture, Kissamint. Basically, Dad wants Joey out of his house, and she begs for more time to perfect Kissamint's formula. "Things are happening, but you're just upset by how long it's taking," she says. "If I launch it too soon, it'll fail." Too bad, so sad – Dad has had enough of Joey's nonsense and gives her 90 days to get out of his house. She reluctantly agrees.
Erica tells her parents that she and Rob plan to move in together despite the fact that she's still not in love with the idea. SILENCE. Dad eventually requests that his daughter be engaged before that happens, Erica randomly busts out her best monkey face, and Rob STILL promises her father to make that happen before September. Erica starts to shake, um, more so than normal. "Holy schnikes," she says. "Did I just get engaged?!?"
Chanel continues to make Ashley's wedding all about Chanel as she stresses about the community judging her. I can't. Her never ending pity party is exhausting. Moving on, Amanda and Jeff are in heat again, oh yay. There seriously isn't enough sanitizer in all of Long Island. Anyway, the gross couple manages to stop mating long enough to introduce us to Ashlee's blind date, Marcos. AKA Hal 2.0.
Amanda thinks Marcos is perfect for Ashlee, saying, "He's older. Jewish. Has money. Has money." More specifically, Marcos is 51 years old, and Ashlee thinks that's awesome. After about five minutes, Ashlee surmises, "Marcos is the cutest most amazing gentleman ever," and Amanda pats herself on the back for her "on point" matchmaking skills. Um, yeah, Amanda sure knows how to pick 'em. Marcos gives me the creeps – and he has SERIOUS issues with personal space.
Meanwhile, Chanel is still crying about her sister's wedding, which is the next day. Hallelujah. Chanel "knows" that the wedding guests will look down at her because she's not married. "I don't know what to tell everyone," she says to her mother. "I don't want to be the 27-year-old old maid constantly crying about being single." Too late.
Marcos takes Ashlee, Amanda, and Jeff to a club. "Holy shitballs," remarks Amanda. "Everyone here is 70 years old!" Turns out, it's 50+ night at the club, but Ashlee tries to ignore the "geriatrics getting low" because she likes Marcos. Err, well, not for very long. Ashlee's walls go up as soon as Marcos starts to get on her nerves. He immediately forgets she exists. She goes home to her daddy.
Next, Joey searches for an apartment in her price range, with a realtor and Amanda's help. Apartment number one is one room, looks like a prison, and rents for $1250 a month. Joey comes to the conclusion that she could never move from her dad's beautiful, spacious home into a place like this one. Moving on, apartment number two rents for $950 a month, but it's smaller and dingier than apartment number one. "I can't even fit my tits in here," announces the always classy Amanda. "I feel like I'm in a horror movie, and I'm about to die."
From her lips to Bravo's ears.
Sadly, Joey feeds off of Amanda's obnoxiousness, and she becomes passive aggressive and rude with the realtor. It's HER price range, not HIS, so she needs to take a step back. Joey calls her dad, hoping for some sympathy, but that doesn't happen. "My dad wants the impossible but doesn't help," she cries. "He'll take off your legs and then ask you to run away."
It's wedding day! Ashlee and Casey attend, to support Chanel, who continues to fret over the community judging her for being single. Shocker. The seating arrangements prove to be too complicated for tweedledumb and tweedledumber, and one of them mumbles, "I've never been around so much Jewishness." Ashlee looks for a potential husband.
Chanel FLIES down the aisle but comes to realize that there just might be someone special out there for her. And Ashlee wants us to know that she, too, has hope. Good for her. She's gonna need it.
At the wedding reception, Chanel starts to give her speech, and it appears as if Casey and Ashlee are the only two people who are listening. So much for the big community audience, huh? New bride Ashley eventually manages to direct her attention towards Chanel, who talks about true love and Chanel and fairy tales and Chanel.
Speech is over, and it's CoCo Crazy time! Let the obnoxious dancing begin!
Chanel is proud of herself for surviving her sister's wedding. Ashlee calls Chanel a Jewish goddess while Casey admits that she feels sorry for her… all that pressure to be married… Chanel says, "One day it'll be my turn to be the bride, but until then, I'm just going to enjoy myself," adding, "Sorry, Mom!"
Next week, Amanda shops engagement rings, and Joey reduces Ashlee to a sobbing puddle of ridiculousness.
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