So last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was, dare I say it, fun! And positive. I was clearly watching the wrong show. Or I fell into the Twilight Zone.
While Teresa Giudice and Poison are practicing their "I Feel" statements with Dr. V in the anti-psychotic chamber, the rest of the crew (with Caroline Manzo now in attendance!) is discussing Jacqueline Laurita. Yes, Teresa blames Jacqueline for the Mayan Calendar failing to drop a house on Melissa Gorga's head. And yes, Jacqueline blames Teresa for her spontaneous combustion which left nothing but some wine corks and a pile of old tweets on Chris' pillow.
So anyway, Jacqueline is here in spirit. Evil spirit!
After Dr. V convinces Teresa and Poison they need to like spend time together not arguing and everyone hugs, Melissa comes in. I was really confused about when Tammy Faye Baker was cast on RHONJ, but there she was sitting there with Dr. V and Poison tearing up and refusing to take responsibility for anything. Huh… OH – wait – that was just Teresa with the worst, most ridiculous eye makeup ever. Seriously, she is so much prettier without the crazy eyelashes and the bad weave.
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So anyway, Melissa and Teresa cannot stop arguing to save their lives. I would hate to be trapped in a scary movie on the run from a serial killer with those two, they'd waste precious time arguing over stolen lipgloss or something while an axe murder chopped us to pieces!
Poison, wearing his special 'My name is…' T-shirt so he doesn't forget, mentally checks out and stares straight ahead while the two-headed monster Terlissa bites each other's faces off. The Teresa head of the equation needs to stop. talking. stop denying. and just. apologize. The Melissa head of the equation needs to stop playing victim. stop blaming. and just. apologize.
Long story short, they hug and agree to meet halfway. Teresa calls her a bitch, but playfully. And it was cute. Not cute: Melissa's doily epaulets on her sweatshirt. Please ask Posche for a refund. #Posche4Life #LiveLikeABitchDressLikeABitch (That's Kim D's mantra…).
Then Dr. V really shakes things up by inviting Juicy into the mix. You know, Juicy is a hot wreck and a real jerk, but he's straight-forward and evidently the least crazy person in the Gorgadice quadrangle. Right away he admits the fighting annoys him so he just backs off. Poison accuses Juicy of "charging" him and causing the fight, something Dr. V keeps repeating. Um… when was Juicy charging?! Cause I distinctly remember shoe polish head barreling towards him like a chimpanze on steroids. Curious Poison who got his hair in a can butt beat! Me Juicy. Me no charge. Me just react! GRAAWR!
Juicy, to his credit, doesn't bother to clear-up the misconceptions.
He's too busy texting his mistress, I presume. Anyway, long story short the Joews agree to meet halfway, they hug, Poison's hair stays on his head, and no one loses a set of balls.
Yay for happiness. Yay for Dr. V! Yay for Teresa finally just apologizing. Did I imagine that?
Meanwhile Richie, Wallpaper Wakile, and Rosie are having a snowball fight with Caroline. Wallpaper is anxiously awaiting her turn in therapy so she can really work through her issues with Teresa. Richie is anxiously awaiting an opportunity to ogle Dr V and hopes he'll get to hug her and smoosh against her boobies. When Dr. V gets wind of his intentions she high-tails it out of there so fast Kathy doesn't get her time on the couch. Poor Kath – the producers forgot about Wallpaper again.
Kathy is all feeling left out and has a case of the 'It's not fairs…' and then Teresa waltzes out gloating about how she's healed! She's a whole new/old girl. Love & Light, bitches, Love. AND. LIGHT. Teresa is so hopped up on endorphins (or Fabellini.
Or the Xnanx Caroline stole from Jacqueline and spiked Teresa's drink with) that she actually has a normal conversation with Kathy. They both apologize – including Teresa! – and decide to move forward. Well, lookee here!
The Joews, Richie, and Rosie go ice fishing. The ladies are staying home to cook a celebration dinner. Ice fishing is really an excuse for the hotel to let them out for the day so they can swing by the liquor store. Despite the haunted mansion's open bar, single malt scotch isn't doing it for Rosie who is smuggling her booze out in a coffee cup. So, after ice fishing and the haunted hotel, perhaps Rosie needs to stop by Promises Malibu and hit up the Lohan Suite.
During ice fishing, stupid Richie brings up the fight and of course the Joews fresh off therapy and out of the hugging booth start sniping at each other. Can we make cue cards for them, maybe flash cards with pictures on them. Would that help them understand how to be decent to each other? Clearly logic is too intense. Whatever – no one falls through the ice or beats anyone else with a fishing pole. They all come back alive and even managed to make it to the liquor store.
Away from Crazy Manor atop Psychotic Mountain, Jacqueline and Chris are baking something with stale brown sugar and talking about Teresa. Jacqueline goes and on and on about why she skipped the retreat. She's feeling vindicated 'cause she got a text from Caroline about the fight. She is worried about Caroline's involvement; when she tried to help she got scarred in the process. Please don't try to blame your botched plastic surgery on a fauxnevolent attempt – we know the truth…
Chris tries to grate his own fingers to make the noise stop and then Jacqueline tells us she doesn't have time for the negative influences, like Teresa, cause she'd rather focus on Buddha. Who coincidentally is bedazzled on the front of her t-shirt. Jacqueline probably thought that was Joel Olsteen and Buddha is just his nickname. You know Jacqueline, Buddha is not found at the bottom of a wine bottle – or on twitter!
But Caroline is thus far unscathed. She's having a grand old time. Since Dr. V did all the heavy lifting she's just hanging out playing cards and drinking hot toddies while writing musings for her next book on how reality TV can save lives. The ladies decide to make this truly like old times and cook. As Teresa tells us, food is love. Unless you're Melissa – then booze is love!
With Voli Vodka threatening to pull her endorsement deal, Melissa decides to forgo the sauteeing in exchange for getting sauced while Kathy and Tre get all sweaty and smelly over a hot stove. Melissa is mixing the drinks and everyone is getting along. It was cute, the food looked good, and when the guys showed up no one was face down in an oven.
So more drinks for all, right?! Over dinner, the producers are reminded that Teresa has a product to endorse too – no matter how cheesy! They start pouring the Fabellini and apparently the peach flavor is cause for arousal. Is that what happened in the bathtub last week. Note to self: do not try Peach Fabellini around undesirable people, may end up naked in a tub with Juicy. <<Stabbing eyeballs with mascara wand>>
Melissa starts talking dirty about how Rosie likes furry peaches. Nice sweet furry juicy peaches. Rawr. So Melissa is drunk if you didn't get the memo. Really drunk. And Melissa drunk makes the dirty talk come out. She also calls Kathy a whore claiming the quiet ones always sleep around. Kathy was not impressed, but I was! Melissa drunk is hilarious!
Not to be outdone, Teresa starts getting loaded. But it was fun. They were happy drunks. Everyone laughed and told stories about their kids. They were all acting normal. Juicy reveals that under 3000 lbs of hormone-laced meat he has a heart. He tells Caroline he brought a bottle of wine the Giudices made with the Lauritas a couple years ago thinking they would be there. Juicy misses Chris. And Teresa even begrudgingly admits she misses Jacqueline.
Juicy was hoping the Lauritas would be there so they rekindle the love. He definitely knows wine is the way to Jacqs heart!
Speaking of Jacqueline and wine, she and Chris are on a date. And they're talking about… TERESA! They oughtta make that a drinking game. Jacqueline makes a gross joke about how Poison was probably deflowered by Teresa and that's the problem there. Then they talk CJ growing up and the first time they 'touched themselves'. Let's just file all of this under TMI. I like Chris better when he's mute. Really, I don't understand why you would squander a precious date night talking about someone you allegedly can't stand and never wish to involve yourself with again. Gossip is not very zen! Then follow that up by admitting on national TV that you started fondling yourself in 5th grade.
Back in Lake George it's time for the Trust Falls, also known as Gymnastics By Jersey. Melissa, drunk, happy and silly begs Juicy to trust her to catch him. He of course doesn't want to do it because accidentally crushing Melissa to death would cause a whole host of family problems and Dr. V has already left. Melissa insists on keeping her heels on so Rosie stands behind her for backup. 'Break a leg, On Display!' bellows Teresa.
Juicy flops backwards like the Shamu exhibit at SeaWorld, knocks them both down like Dominoes and then chugs a fifth of Jack. 'You're up Poison. I'll out trust-fall youse!'
Teresa asks Caroline to be her partner. Caroline agrees under one condition: Teresa tries to make amends with Jacqueline. Teresa goes back and forth with it, reminding her that Jacqueline betrayed her and surprisingly admitting it hurt her. Finally she agrees and Caroline flops back on top of her and Teresa holds on.
What show am I watching? Cause I like it and I haven't felt this way about RHONJ in like a year.
After Poison carts his wife off to bed cause she's drunk and feeling whorish, Teresa and Juicy remind us that sometimes they actually love each other. They sit around the fire and talk about Jacqueline. Good lord people – if you find it romantical to complain about your ex-BFF you have problems. It was actually a nice conversation; both Teresa and Juicy cried a bit. Juicy proved he absorbed some of Dr. V's messages through his skull of rotten, moldy lard because he told Teresa it was time to let go of the anger and forgive.
Dang – am I liking Juicy? Heaven help me… Seriously, where is backwards sign of the cross Jesus. I need his guidance, Meliss!
And that is what an episode of RHONJ looks like without fighting and complaining. Love and light, bitches!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID YOU LIKE THE POSITIVITY? WERE THE GORGADICES SINCERE? DID DR. WORK MIRACLES OR WAS IT JUST FOR THE SHOW?