As Andy Cohen exclaimed in an excited frenzy last night, "I love evidence!" So, too, do we. Which means the ladies of Real Housewives of Miami came packing with the accusations, the evidence, the wild slanderous statements, and one of the dirtiest reunion shows I've seen since Thou Show That Should Not Be Named But Has An Indicted Star And Lots Of Family Feuding. Don't want to wake the dead with that mention!
Anyway, back to the show of present. RHOM was vicious last night. Just the way we like it – crazy makeup, crazy hair, crazy girls, and tons of sequins flying out of their seats and and trying to deflect the even wilder accusations.
Everything starts out kinda OK, but then Joanna Krupa sort of slams Adriana de Moura's wedding and mentions several times that it was beautiful except for the lateness, inconvenience, lies, total disrespect for the guests, idiotic costume change, bitchy atrocious bride, and the whole no food or drink for hours thing. But the gown was gorgeous! You know all that stuff, but at least Adriana didn't look like a flamenco dancer and at least Adriana's husband wants to sleep with her so ziiing!
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Yes, sex lives were big topics and poor Lisa Hochstein and Joanna are just not getting any. That's about the only thing they have in common anymore because right out of the gate, Andy replays a zillion clips of Joanna slamming Lisa for having no job and nothing to do. It all stemmed from an innocent joke Lisa made about how people in Miami don't work. That's a sore spot. Lisa insists she did work, for like so many years, I mean after all she's an immigrant from Canada and that's like so hard people.
Lisa had to learn a whole new language, and get accustomed to all new foods, and the weather is like drastically different, and she was like modelizing and actressing and … other stuff. Other stuff like stuff that Joanna threateningly hints at but keeps stating "I won't go there," over. Just go there already you know want to! Stuff Joanna won't mention because Lisa is "a friend". Joanna ought to get a dictionary and look up the definition of "friend." Maybe it's different in Poland, but what she was displaying last night was not my 'Merican definition!
While Lisa was doing "other stuff" Alexia Echevarria reveals that she was once a special ed teacher which was really kind of cute. Adriana also told us she went to law school which is really kind of laughable, but I guess she's smart enough to grift and scam so why not defend the law, right? #logic. Maybe she should go into politics…
So Lisa and Joanna are definitely not friends anymore. This is illustrated when Andy mentions that Joanna made a comment about Lisa drinking too much while trying to get pregnant. Poor Lisa starts to cry about what a low-blow that was and all of the sudden Joanna is hissing threats about how she can reveal something much, much juicier about what Lisa was up to. She hints that it happened at her wedding. Lisa seems to pick up what she is laying down and the air is fraught with tension. Rumor has it that allegedly Lisa was using or trying to use drugs. Again, just a rumor that's been circulating.
Adriana jumps in to defend Lisa and tell Joanna what a horrible despicable person she is and it's no wonder Romain isn't interested in having sex with her. Especially since she's a homewrecker! Adriana accuses Joanna of having sex with Yolanda Foster's ex-husband Mohamed Hadid while he was still married and breaking up their marriage. Mohamed was also at Joanna's wedding. Adriana says Joe Francis confirmed it – and so did Brandi Glanville on WWHL!
Joanna denies all of it, but then changes her story a bit and says that Yolanda and Mo were separated when she met him and they have remained best friends for years. Then Adriana accuses Romain of being gay and on the DL. Oh please… Adriana! Joanna calls Romain to have him confirm for the world that he is in fact straight but suffering from Low T, a under-active sex drive, storyline gone-awrius. I still don't believe their sex life is non-existent, sorry!
"She’s saying that because she wishes she were with me with me," Romain snaps. Adriana retorts, "I don't want a man with a limp penis." Nope just one with a limp backbone!
Speaking of changing stories, Adriana's continue to shift all over the place. I don't know if there is more editing about why she was married but not married but kind of married and going out on dates with other men. Finally Adrianna is like it's my life and I do what I want. Except when Lea Black is bankrolling it – then it's a problem!
Adriana is as shifty about her first marriage and first divorce as she is about her second (or is it third? Or possibly fourth?) marriage, non-divorce, and then re-marriage. Apparently husband no 1 never actually left her alone and abandoned with a young son while he was off being married to someone else in secret. Oh no, the two actually mutually filed for divorce and then separated. Or something.
Whatever the case Lea has had it with the lies and shenanigans and provides proof that she not only paid Alex's very delinquent tuition so he could remain in school, but set up a fundraiser so he could get a scholarship for the duration of his education at said very pricey private school. Not just Alex, but several other scholarship students as well. Can Lea do me a solid like that? Lea has receipts and Andy has glee in his eyes. Or maybe he was blinded by the sequins – who knows!
Lea then breaks down how Adriana was scouting for better (re: richer) prospects while legally married to Frederic. In fact Lea even got her a date with a man on a private jet – among others! Adriana denies it all, of course. Lea calls Adriana the most ungrateful person she's ever known. Pretty much!
Adriana accuses Lea of trying to sell her with an apartment for $4M. So Lea is in the sex trafficking business now? That would explain how she knows Joe Francis! Now what was Lea saying about how Adriana isn't trustworthy?
Finally in the out-takes (which I loved the backstage stuff), Lisa got into a heated cursing match with Joanna's make-up artist while Joanna smirked and fiddled with the devil horns festooned over her boobs. Nice Joanna.
Part Two of the RHOM Reunion airs this Thursday at 9/10c.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT SECRETS WAS JOANNA THREATENING TO SPILL ABOUT LISA? DID JOANNA BREAK UP YOLANDA'S MARRIAGE? IS LEA LYING ABOUT ADRIANA?