Things that make you go hmmmm… last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Which was an entire hour of bickering and I don't even know what about! Bullying, the paparrazi, Maurico cheating, Kyle Richards and Brandi Glanville having hurt feelings, and finally Lisa Vanderpump's hair.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
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Then Carlton puts on the Ruby Red Slipper version of lingerie and proceeds to complain that she has a fat arse. A fat head – maybe. Gigantic bolt-on boobs rivaling LeAnn Rimes' – maybe. But a fat butt? Go have a tea party for your doll collection and eat some cake.
Kyle is still talking about Mauricio cheating. Let's break this down. For about six seconds a couple of stories were circulating on C-List news sites about how Mauricio cheated. However, Kyle is acting like she is Jennifer Aniston and in the biggest cheating scandal since Brangelina. "It's just part of being in the public eye," she sighs explaining the pitfalls of being famous. Your cheating drama didn't even make People!
Joyce Giraud and her husband meet up with Kyle and Mauricio for a designer pizza and there flashes a news story about Paris Hilton. Kyle complains that there are so many lies when you're in the public eye. Paris in the spotlight… um… 2004 called. Joyce is sympathetic and Mauricio is adamant he didn't cheat, swearing up and down and promising to take lie detector tests. I was counting hair flips to keep myself awake. Even the pizza looked bored.
We get woken up to Lisa getting a new puppy she names Rumpy-Pumpy. Which according to The Urban Dictionary means "butt sex". Lisa uses Urban Dictionary… color me shocked!
Kim Richards invites everyone to circus school to create unity among the group. Brandi arrives and the first thing she does is whine that she's not speaking to Kyle because the paparazzi called her a "bully" in front of her kids after she told Kyle about the Mauricio cheating stories. Brandi insists she was just being a girls-girl and trying to help a sister out. Kim doesn't want to ruin the day with gossip and bickering. She keeps asking Brandi to zip it. Which is like asking the Titanic to unsink – not gonna happen!
Yolanda Foster interjects to insist the ladies discuss distraught situations but Kim doesn't want to do it today. Fair enough. Except Brandi already put a chill in the air with her tantrum so when the other ladies show up it's all awkward and tension-y.
Kim decides to take this moment to ramble through a set of rules about getting along and focusing on acrobatics. Yolanda cuts her off. Yolanda likes to get to the point and Kim… well she just rambles. Kim's feelings are hurt so she calls Yolanda rude which negates her whole point about not being petty. Joyce flips her hair some more and I swear took out a camera man or two which explains all the mismatched missing footage this episode.
They all do some circus tricks. I was hoping we were on splits hiatus this season. Hopes dashed! Then Brandi goes and complains to Lisa, Yolanda, and Carlton that Kyle called her a bully and the paparazzi repeated it in front of her kids and her kids are upset. #BS
Brandi broke the rules!!!! Kyle comes over and immediately claims she never accused Brandi of bullying her. I don't believe her, of course. I mean she totally did. Brandi wants an apology.
Brandi repeats again that she was trying to "help" Kyle by giving her a "heads up." But It seems Kyle already knew and later Brandi says the stories were already out. So which was it: a heads up or asking Kyle about already circulating tabloid crap?
Yolanda leaves and then everyone else changes and heads to lunch. Joyce is wearing a necklace of bones. Are they all the bones she broke in her neck from flipping her 40lb head of hair? Over lunch the lines are drawn: Kyle, Joyce, and Kim at one table. Brand, Lisa, and Carlton at the other.
Out of nowhere a big argument erupts between Kyle and Brandi about the paps calling Brandi a bully and whether or not Kyle is behind it. What were they arguing about exactly? Brandi being called a bully "in front of her kids" or Kyle being hurt that Brandi brought up the cheating rumors in front of the group because if Brandi really wanted to "help" she could have called Kyle to discuss it discretely?
Lisa suggests Kyle tweet that Brandi and Lisa aren't bullies to nip the rumor in the bud. Kyle gets super mad – her hair is like taking on a hairflip life of its own and causing climate change. Seriously, Joyce, Kyle, and their hair flipping could re-freeze the polar ice caps. Let that hair rest a minute. The hair is tired. The hair needs a vacation. The hair just wants to be left alone!
Kyle starts ranting about how she's dealing with the cheating stories and doesn't have time to defend Lisa who sucks. And the cheating rumors. THE CHEATING RUMORS. OMG – THE CHEATING RUMORS. They're like ruining Kyle's life. And mine too.
At this very moment Joyce decides to discuss a very serious matter with Lisa. She pulls Lisa aside, because some things – some VERY, VERY PRIVATE AND PERSONAL THINGS (like the size of her husband's pee-pee or the tightness of her vag) – need to be discussed privately and face-to-face. Or in this case: hair-to-hair. These things include Lisa "rudely" brushing Joyce away when she tried to get some of Lisa's hair out of her eyes. Lisa apparently was quite brusque and it hurt Joyce's feelings cause Lisa did not cry tears of pure diamonds and clasp Joyce's hands in gratitude from saving her from an astray hair.
Lisa did not burst out laughing. She rolled her eyes, apologized, and tried to hurry back to the drama.
Joyce is miffed that Lisa didn't take her concern seriously and more bickering ensues. Carlton – for once I agree with her – calls Joyce childish. And Joyce says that she brought up the matter confidentially because Brandi and Yolanda both told her Lisa doesn't take constructive criticism well. Brandi denies talking shit, but the weave is out of the bag! The implants have fled the building and we all know Brandi-wine was talking about ol' Lis!
Lisa is pissed. And Brandi is pissed for being exposed as a two-faced biatch, so she calls Joyce a bitch. But What! About! ME?! Kyle shrieks. Why can't anything ever be about me!? I made up this whole cheating rumor for attention and STILL no one is focusing on ME! ME!!! CHEATING!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID KYLE CALL BRANDI A BULLY TO THE PAPARAZZI? WERE BRANDI AND YOLANDA TALKING ABOUT LISA BEHIND-HER-BACK?