Ahhh… Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills: where totally untrue in every way cheating rumors never die. Oh! And famous people get to block traffic and redecorate the sidewalk just for being famous. 

Over at Kyle Richards' Faye Resnick-fied castle of tchotchke, she's upset because she has to clean up alllllll the dog poop like every day, despite a plethora of brightly colored postage notes decorating the cabinetry advising people otherwise. Poor Kyle – nobody listens to her! Nobody cares! Nobody cares what Kyle wants!

And what does Kyle want? Attention and caftans. Preferably together. Since Kyle presumably has nothing else to talk about but cheating rumors that are totally NOT TRUE and that she totally wants to DISAPPEAR, she and Mauricio sit down to discuss said cheating rumors and how untrue and absolutely ludicrous they are.


This week's saga of the cheating is about how Lisa Vanderpump didn't deny the terrible rumors and never like called to console Kyle, but then months later she made the very worst most horrible joke in all the world that like stabbed Kyle's caftany heart with a stiletto. And even worse – after a story leaked that made Lisa look bad she finally issued a denial. Some friend she is! 


Over at Lisa's sublime villa, she and Ken chat about the cheating rumors. Lisa reiterates that she does not believe them but rather bitchily keeps saying that no one really knows 100% if they're not true. She qualifies to say that for all she knows Ken could be cheating since there's no guarantee. Ken is emphatic that it's all BS and won't even entertain the possibility. Men's friendships are so much simpler. Ugh – don't be lame Lisa! Especially not for Splits

Speaking of crap, Brandi Glanville has some all over her house. Apparently she is too hungover can't be bothered to take her dogs out so they pee and poo wherever. Isn't this BEVERLY HILLS? Where are the maids? And the classy people? While the dogs defecate under her desk, Brandi calls her mom to talk about how her dad isn't speaking to her. Reason unknown. 

Yolanda Foster does not have such problems. Her entire home smells like gently cultivated organic lemon and verbena room freshener and gorgeous baked bread. I need to marry David Foster right. now. No, no – I need to marry Yolanda. Yolanda's mom and brother, whom she is very close with, are visiting from the Netherlands to see David get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They're intolerably cute together and Yolanda is so happy to have them here. 


Lisa, Brandi, and Carlton Gebbia attend the ceremony. Carlton thought the invitation read groupie witchcraft museum, 'cause she was wearing hotpants and a sheer shirt among a sea of ladies who lunch dresses. Never take fashion advice from Brandi, Carlton! A bunch of celebrities show up to fawn over David, none more so than Yolanda. Lisa and Brandi both joked affably that they'll never be getting any such accolades. It was all cute.

Meanwhile, Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly is graduating from high school and Kim has the wispy sniffle waffly cries happening because now she'll be alone with ZMOG: Kingsley. And he might eat someone's face off – maybe hers when she konks out from too many cookies and Lifetime one Saturday night. 

Kim takes Kimberly dress shopping and keeps trying to shove her into one generic trophy wife getup after another while Kimberly is like, 'Can't I dress like cousin Paris? Oooohhh… crotch-length!'

Eventually Kimberly gets something appropriate and gets her hair and makeup professionally done while Kim rambles around rambling about how she can't iron. Thankfully there was no chicken salad involved in this momentous occasion. Instead there was Kyle in a mini caftan (that thing was HIDEOUS!) and Kathy Hilton arriving to criticize Kyle for existing and suggest that Kim not wear jeans to her daughter's graduation. Kyle so hates Kathy! TENSIONE! 

The graduation was sweet and everyone had fun. 


In other sagas, Carlton's cat fell off her living room balcony and now needs acupuncture. Why does her vet's office look like the one my parents go to in WV? I mean, wood paneling and totally 70's decor! Aren't they supposed to be rich? Her cat is in pain which is why they wrestle, squeeze it, and clutch its head while shoving acupuncture needles into the poor thing's neck. Carlton can sense the unrest because no animals ever get weird at the vet!

Splits hauls Joyce Giraud to her creepy Hannibal Lecter facial factory, which she's been trying to make happen for four seasons now. We get it Kyle, we get it! Can they laser off caftans? What about bad personalities? While those two yahoos sit around with electrodes on their faces, Joyce suggests a girls trip to Palm Springs to reunite everyone. Kyle's like ummmmm…. no! And Bravo's like ummmmm…. yes! So this is gonna happen and somebody's gonna die. Not literally, but metaphorically, of course. And we're gonna talk about how Mauricio is NOT CHEATING, of course!

Finally Lisa and Brandi go shopping for bikinis for said Palm Springs trip. Which made me sad because that meant Joyce had already invited all the girls and we didn't get to see an infamous Housewives right of passage: The speakerphone invite! duh-duhn-dun-duhhhhhhhn… 


Over smaller and smaller thong bikinis Brandi tells Lisa a juicy tidbit – she and Carlton totally made out in Carlton's hot tub the other day! "Who does that?" Lisa wonders. "I dunno… me," Brandi answers.

It dawns on Lisa at this moment – Brandi is not who she thought she was. Like if Lisa wanted to hang out with Paris Hilton circa 2005, she would have, you know, done it. But Lisa is a grown woman who doesn't get drunk in the afternoon and French kiss her friends. 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]




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