Sweet Baby Jesus, just in time for Christmas we are gifted with a mess of crazy last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta!
We had Krazy Kenya Moore and more crazy Mama Joyce and we had busloads of drama. I'm glad I was sitting down, sipping on some chilled wine because otherwise I would have needed my own dose of psych meds!
Let's rip this mess apart.
So NeNe Leakes is in her store-sized closet (she oughtta start letting 'bout to be broke Porsha Stewart shop in there. More on her later) packing for Savannah. She's excited to be planning a girls' bonding trip and Gregg is excited to be fitting into NeNe's shoes. They wear the same size. They should dress up as each other for Halloween.
On the other side of town Kandi Burruss pays a visit to Cynthia Bailey to bond over mamas who hate their man and wanting to cancel their weddings. Was that an episode of Jenny Jones ten years ago? Anyway, Kandi breaks down sobbing as she recounts for Cynthia the incidents at the bridal boutique the week before. Cynthia is shocked that Mama Joyce and the Aunts went all OLG: Old Lady Gang and got crunk amid some big ol' white ball gowns. Say Yes To SECURRRTY!
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Kandi is afraid her wedding will end up being totally ghetto and she'll be forced to elope. Cynthia encouraged Kandi to have "several" conversations with her mama reinforcing boundaries or else realize she will lose Todd. Good advice!
Unfortunately before Kandi has a chance to set mama straight she pays a visit to Phaedra Parks, attorney at law to enquire about Todd's alleged prenup refusal! Oh dear. Basically Joyce changes the story around and is wondering about Todd laying his hands on Kandi's money. Then when Phaedra plays cool, Joyce starts blaming HER for setting Kandi and Todd up, claiming short people with big heads don't belong together. Oh and Todd doesn't work.
I have to hand it to Ms. Southern Belle 2013, she kept herself collected. Mama Joyce… on the other hand she is Mama Joyce who's gonna off Todd and turn this into a lifetime movie so Kandi's money stays in her pocketbook. Can someone just get a 5150 hold on this lady already?
Speaking of a 5150, Krayonce is packing for Sa-VON-A, which in her mind is a low-budget rinkydink version of Atlanta, which is already a small town. For someone who is so wannabe gone with the wind fabulous Krayonce hasn't heard of Savannah?
Krayonce packs bikinis, and bras, and twerks – oh my- with her sycophant Brandon. And one more thing… A GUN! Seriously – krazy lady whipped a gun out of that closet, laughed manically, and laid it on the floor like does this belt go with my shoes? Tip: holsters do not match halter dresses. Plus, all that twerking could make it accidentally go off. Please tell me that thing is as fake as her booty!
Also, a twerk ain't got nothing on a twirl. And for Kenya's big ol' implanted booty her twerks are half-assed.
Also, wading through the waters of crazy is Kandi who sits down to have a heart-to-heart with Mama Joyce. Joyce tries to twist everything around and accuses Carmon of trying to attack her and then says Kandi is going against her mother. She also calls out Carmon as a bad friend. Kandi – hit your mama where it hurts by pulling her allowance.
Luckily she does not take the bait and reminds Mama Joyce that she had THREE husbands by the time she was Kandi's age. Joyce purses her lips, and announces she will be staying out of Kandi's relationship from now on. Does that mean skipping the wedding?
Porsha Stewart, who is on hiatus from being interesting this season, shows up to spend some of Kordell's alimony on shoes. She tries on a limited edition $7,500 pair and then decides to be economical by getting a similar, but less gaudy, $3,500 pair. "Budget? What's that!?" Anyone else having some major She By SheBroke flashbacks?
Finally it's Savannah day. New housewife Mynique Smith is joining them. NeNe has all the ladies meet at her community club house. Gregg is dressed up like a butler and is meeting the ladies with cheese trays and roses and carrying their luggage around. NeNe has that man whipped and tied to her with a Louis Vuitton leash! He must really be afraid of that prenup.
Of course since this is Housewives everyone is late. Like majorly Tardy for the Party (collect those royalties, Kandi!). Krayonce, who eschewed hair and makeup in exchange for tossing her .9mm in her handbag, was on time. She sauntered on over to instigate NeNe about how rude and atrocious and dismissive and uncaring the other ladies are. The ladies that aren't present. Besides it's so boring to just sit around in the heat, fanning the flies out of your bellinis, waiting and waiting.
Maybe Krayonce could pass the time by twerking at the clubhouse? Just keep that gun in check! NeNe is getting angrier and angrier, but she's trying to keep it controlled because she has turned over a new leaf. A leaf that does not plonk eyes out or bloop wigs off or go crazy as a loon. Less Nay-Nay and more NeNe, A-list celebrity with a srrrious acting career.
Personally, I prefer it when NeNe gets crunk! Pass that therapist's phone number to Krayonce or Mama Joyce and get your Nay-Nay on! Finally the girls start rolling in. By this time they're hours late and NeNe is pissed. Kenya is playing her soldier though and lecturing each one as they stroll over to the croissant platter form Costco.
Porsha is all like I have medical problems. Like it was so bad I've been wandering around Rite-Aid in a daze for like 3 years. She whines that she has something "serious going on up there". Seriously, she actually has NOTHING going on up there which is her problem.
As Kandi arrives HOURS late, her reason being she was hungry and stopped at Chic-Fil-A (not even good food!) NeNe stomps away and gets in her car to leave. The other ladies are stranded with a bunch of pastries and bad attitudes when Phaedra finally arrives 3 hours late. Seriously – SO RUDE, LADIES!
Kenya calls NeNe and begs her to come back. They all finally board the bus and Kenya puts on her Kamp Kounselor hat (next reunion prop!) to lecture everyone on decency and manners. Then she decides rooms should be chosen in the order people arrived to meet the bus. Meaning Phaedra is sleeping on the bus. At that point Kandi loses it and stands up to start cursing Kenya out for butting in.
Clearly she was unloading her Mama Joyce stress cause I have never seen Kandi go off that way. NeNe, meanwhile, just sat there and let Kenya do her dirty work.
Can't we all just twerk together and get along?
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID NENE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY ABOUT THE TARDINESS? WILL MAMA JOYCE TRULY BUTT OUT OF KANDI'S RELATIONSHIP?