Couples Therapy is back with Taylor Armstrong & John Bluher, Ghostface Killah & Kelsey Nykole, Whitney Mixter & Sada Bettencourt, and Farrah Abraham. Farrah shows up alone – shocker – and Dr. Jenn Berman falls for her "my boyfriend is a big meany" act hook, line, and sinker.
Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later. He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.
Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.
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Taylor adds that she lost everything after Russell committed suicide. Then, after a year of soul searching, she just woke up one day and realized she was in love with her lawyer, John. Now Taylor says her post-traumatic stress is putting a damper on their relationship, adding, "I've already had one unhealthy marriage. I'm not willing to go into a second unhealthy marriage. Any of the small issues that could turn into the big issues, they have to be resolved, or I'm just not going to get married."
Taylor brings her personal assistant, Matthew, to Couples Therapy to schlep and unpack her suitcases. John explains, Taylor's used to having her clothes organized for her. Seriously? In my world, being broke means putting away my own clothes, but whatever.
The second couple to arrive is Ghostface and Kelsey. Like Taylor, Ghostface recaps his past. Unlike Taylor, the rapper says he used to "f–k like rabbits" back in the day. But, rest assured, he's pickier now. Kelsey says Ghost is her man, adding, "The first time we saw each other, it was crazy. We locked eyes. It was crazy magnetic." Ghost looks like he smells something awful, but he adds, "There's a few things I love about her – she can rub my back and I love a clean woman. She clean and all that."
Kelsey wants to take their relationship to the next level – but she admits she's beginning to worry about dating a rapper. If there's a "next level" to Ghost, he keeps it hidden. Well hidden. "I don't need therapy," he adds. "If I need therapy, I talk to myself." I'm not holding my breath for these two.
The Real L Word stars Whitney and Sada arrive next. They've been together for four years and married for a year and a half. Apparently they got married because they weren't getting along too well. Because that make perfect sense. Sada says, fighting and bickering is ruining their marriage. Whitney adds, they need to move beyond this stage before they have kids. You think?
Whitney and Sada verbally go at each other while unpacking their bags. They should have brought their personal assistant. Sada thinks Whitney treats her like a child. Whitney complains about Sada's micro-managing. Good times. Whitney shares, "The smallest thing can send up into a whirlwind of frustration, anger, confusion, misunderstanding – I'm over it. I really am."
Farrah arrives last. She's as DELUSIONAL as ever! The former Teen Mom star says she's been through "hurtful" times. And she rewrites history where Sophia's dad, Derek Underwood, is concerned, as she always does. Farrah says, "The past six years I have had a lot of crazy things happened TO me that has made all this media attention and I feel like it's odd."
Farrah's broken record never ends, "I was involved with somebody who worked in the porn industry. Yes - I made a sex tape. But I am not a porn star. I'm not involved in porn, and if anybody is confused about that, I feel sorry for you."
So, Farrah shows up alone, because her
hired boyfriend of five months, Brian Dawe, goes missing. Farrah's darting eyes, crying on cue, and infamous rolling eyes are so transparent – she's a pathological liar. Still, Dr. Jenn contemplates allowing Farrah to stay for Couples Therapy, alone. What. A. Joke.
Everyone gathers for their first group session with Dr. Jenn. She asks Farrah to explain to the others why she's alone. *moments of silence, please, while her frozen face works up a few tears* Farrah says she's sad and embarrassed. Sniff. She, like, thought she'd be there, like, with a boyfriend but he has, like, fallen off the face of the Earth. Sniff. She is in, like, shock, and, like, sad. Sniff.
Farrah goes from bitch face to distraught to bitch face to distraught flawlessly.
When asked about her past experiences with men, Farrah says men date her, then don't show up or leave her some place, then sell mean stories about her. Boohoo, poor Farrah. Dr. Jenn eats it up! Everyone agrees to let her continue therapy sans a partner. Taylor, especially, supports Farrah. #LoonyLipsUnite
Later, at dinner, Ghost is standoffish. Whitney and Sada lay into him, saying he needs to be more open to the idea of therapy. After dinner, Ghost and Kelsey argue in their room. Ghost is mad at her for keeping quiet at dinner, Kelsey is mad at him for being so bullheaded. Ghost brings up other women – "Women all around the kid!" – and Kelsey is dumbfounded. She questions him, he pulls his cap over his eyes and laughs.
Ghost makes it clear in his talking heads that he never called Kelsey his girl, adding, "I met her while I was on my grind. At the same time, while I'm with her, I'm still on my grind."
Meanwhile… Farrah is alone in her own room… probably Googling herself.
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Photo Credit: VH1