Have you heard? There's a new show called Farrah's Therapy on VH1. It's a cross between Teen Mom Horror Story and Couples (Table For One) Therapy. The star of the
show universe, Farrah Abraham, pretends to cry, makes ugly faces, and blames all of her problems on the strangers living in her house, as well as her parents, while a doctor by the name of Jenn Berman enables her.
Seriously, if VH1 wanted to cash in on the tragedy that is Farrah, why not just create a new show around her? Porn Stars Therapy or Celebrity Liars Rehab?
But I digress. It's day five in the Couples Therapy house. Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter watch Backdoor Teen Mom and come to realize it's not a homemade sex tape. Not even close! It's a fully produced porn film. Whitney says she's not judging the Teen Mom star for having sex on camera, as she's been there, done that – but she has zero patience for Farrah's "sex tape" lies.
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They're off to group therapy with Dr. Jenn. Today's topics are trust and fidelity. Dr. Jenn says there are always agreements in relationships – some spoken and some unspoken. If you're Farrah, mostly monetary.
Dr. Jenn opts to talk to Ghostface Killah and Kelsey Nykole first. Bummer for Ghost. He wants nothing to do with therapy and very little to do with Kelsey. He admits to seeing other girls. Ghost says he didn't know feelings would "get in there that fast" and now he feels "mad funny". When Sada offers her opinion, Ghost shuts down. Ain't nobody got time for that! He's done for the day.
So, moving on to Sada and Whitney, then. They're a hot mess but I really like them. Dr. Jenn thinks all of their fights trace back to jealousy. Whitney blames miscommunication. Sada blames her own neediness.
Liz Jannetta butts in, if anyone knows needy, it's her because Jon Gosselin is NEEDY. Jon says his marriage to Kate was cold and business-like, so yeah, he wants to hug and stuff. Ugh. I'd much rather explore Sada and Whitney's relationship.
First, Jon wants us to know he never cheated on Kate. Does anyone still care? He says, he knew his marriage to Kate was over on January 17, 2009. Um, Ok. He gives me the creeps. Second, Jon and Liz have a lot of trust issues. Strike one – Jon had a girlfriend when he followed Liz home from a bar. Just to hug. Cause he's needy. Strike two – they both slept with other people during their relationship. Strike three – Jon moved a woman into his cabin when he and Liz took a break.
Who are all of these women who want to sleep with Jon Gosselin? They are the ones who need therapy.
From Taylor Armstrong and John Bluher, we learn that Taylor likes to chat with her fans and John gets jealous. Good Lawd, he's such a diva. That's all from them. Apparently all is right in their world when the towels aren't green.
Farrah doesn't have a fake boyfriend or a porn star handy so she talks about her sex tape instead of trust and fidelity. "I'm sick of f–king being tough about it." (tough=keeping her lies straight!) Seriously, when you commission a porn star and hire a professional film crew and collect a million dollars for your sex tape, it's a porn film.
Sada asks, you filmed that with a boyfriend? Farrah says, yes, he just happens to do porn for a living. Sada adds, was there a film crew? Farrah says, no, only me and the camera person.
Sada questions the many different camera angles. Eewww. Farrah responds, "There was never any other person around us." Sada points out that Farrah just said there was a camera person. Farrah insists, "I don't know if I ever said camera person, but I'm saying there was never a camera person." So Whitney calls Farrah out for contradicting herself.
Farrah scrunches up her face – as much as it allows – and cries about people putting words in her mouth. Um. Of all the things people have put in Farrah's mouth, words should be the least of her worries. She's mad though! Farrah feels judged – and she does not know WHY because she's just being HONEST and it's so SHOCKING to her.
Day six begins with Ghostface and Kelsey lying in bed and talking about their relationship. Kelsey says she's not trying to force love on Ghost's part but she misses the closeness and friendship they once had. Ghost insists he does love her. Kelsey hopes their journey ends with them in solid relationship. Oh man.
Later, everyone but Farrah is outside, laughing and having a great time. The only person within 30 feet of Farrah is on the payroll. You know, the norm. No sweat off Farrah's backdoor. The resident counselor asks Farrah why she's not outside with the others. Poor thing must have pulled the short straw.
"I'm sick of being weird," begins one of Farrah's nonsensical ramblings. "Maybe these people I would never be friends with and it's like drastically like becoming an issue and I don't like it." Farrah tells us the others are picking on her. "I can tell when somebody thinks I'm a bitch and excluding me from things," she adds.
Dr. Jenn meets with Farrah alone. For one, because her hired boyfriend still hasn't shown up. For two, to talk about how she isn't getting along with anyone in the house. Farrah warns, "I'm probably gonna cry." HAHA, probably not. "They're saying I'm coming across as mean or rude or negative words." Huh? "Am I so f–ked up from what I've been through that I can't…" You can't, what? Resist fading to a whisper while making a dreadful face?
Way too gently, Dr. Jenn tells Farrah that the others speak the truth, "You're getting honest feedback." Farrah finds this weird, "I'm open and honest – but they're calling me a bitch." Exactly – they're not the problem, Farrah. You. Are.
Dr. Jenn asks Farrah about her dating history. She whispers nonsense while trying to push fake tears through her tarantula lashes. When that proves to be too difficult, Farrah blames her parents for everything that's wrong with her life. Mom called her a whore – for NO reason, Mom called her a bitch – for NO reason, and mom never taught her what love is. Dr. Jenn decides she needs to talk to Farrah's parents.
VH1 pumps everyone full of liquor because it's Sada's birthday. And you know they're totally hoping for another Duck and Diva meltdown. The night turns sour when Whitney accuses Sada of flirting with Ghost. Whitney's like, All up on homeboy, Dude. For real, Dude. What's up, Dude?! Most of Sada's responses come while she's brushing her teeth so I have no idea what she's saying either. They go to sleep angry. I suspect this is a regular occurrence.
It's day seven in the Couples Therapy house. Whitney and Sada manage a rational conversation about their fight. They kiss and make up.
Meanwhile, Jon settles into bed to, um, I don't know. I don't care. I don't even want to talk about it. Liz walks in and assumes Jon is masturbating. He insists he was scratching himself. Liz tells Jon, if you want to get off, ask me. But then she says he makes her want to throw up. So, yeah. I can see why Jon prefers to take matters into his own hands. Pun intended.
Jon and Liz argue about this for what feels like forever. Jon goes all sad puppy face on Liz – and she laughs in his face. Jon tells us, "When Liz laughs at me, I feel devalued as a human being. My word and my voice doesn't matter, like a child." Mocking Jon, Liz says, "Please don't play the victim role all the time. Man the f–k up and f–king say something, you p-ssy."
Jon whimpers, "I feel like you're avoiding me," to which
Kate 2.0 Liz says, "I am avoiding you."
TELL US – DO YOU BELIEVE FARRAH'S SEX TAPE STORY? DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR JON?
Photo Credit: VH1