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Farrah Abraham

In today’s installment of ’50 Ways To Go Insane’, listening to Farrah Abraham‘s voice for an hour is at the tippity-top of my list. Luckily for all of you lovely people, I took one for the team and listened to Farrah’s interview with the ‘Allegedly‘ podcast and I wrote down all the juicy bits. So while I’m icing my brain in a vat of vodka, all of you, please – read-on. Really – you owe it to me… 

Farrah discussed everything from love, motherhood, God, politics, her success, and what’s next in her oh-so busy life.

“I’m not a thirsty bitch! I have plenty of H20,” declares Farrah. “I know how to give passion more unto the universe and I think it lacks it so much that I wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t improve where I was. That’s the kinda soul that I got.” 

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With her mind on improvement, Farrah is considering a future in politics – “somewhere in the House Of Representatives” because she wins “every argument.”

Moving on to love, then money! Farrah’s love life is complicated, and unsurprisingly intermingled with her finances (hello sex tape!). 

Farrah is still single despite appearing on Million Dollar Matchmaker, but knows she’ll make some victim man very happy! “I totally hope one day I get married.”

“Every good woman’s behind a good man – that’s for damn sure!” Farrah assures. “I’m a gorgeous nightmare. No one forgets Farrah!” (Theo Vonn calls it the “Farrah-caine”) 

“All my exes … blah, blah, blah still would date me til today,” counters Farrah. “I’ve never had anyone break up with me so there’s really nothing wrong with me. The only baggage I bring is that I have to deal with my emotions because every year it’s different with Sophia and I.” 

“I don’t have a dream guy,” she continues. “I’m always more attracted to white men. I’m not really into black guys – I think that’s more of a Kardashian thing.” 

Farrah does have standards, though. No talking about “dark, negative stuff” like poop and farts. “I don’t want to hear, see, or know about it. Two weeks later you can tell me funny stories, but, just, like not right away.” 

And Farrah does have one flaw, though – she gets really “f–king bored” and occasionally “entertains” propositions for sex – as much as $20,000 grand! “I’ve shunned a lot of that,” insists Farrah, “because I’ve always had boyfriends.”

“It’s not like regular-degular shit. Sometimes I’m, like, f–king bored! I wrote an erotic trilogy. Of course I entertain sex, love, money – it all,” she acknowledges. “Sometimes I’m in the grocery store and I think of crazy-ass fantasies. That’s just part of me.” 

The “majority” of guys who proposition her are celebrities, so Farrah claims, but she only likes businessmen. “Sometimes I’ll show up – I’m not gonna lie – cause it’s secret. It’s not like anyone you’re gonna know. And I don’t wanna talk about it – so God bless us!” 

“God bless me if I like shake it up a bit! ‘I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway!’ Sometimes I do that, but that’s just normal. I know everyone does that and sometimes you guys just don’t act upon it – so I did for you!” Um, no.

(I am so confused – is Farrah admitting to being an escort? Or cheating? Or what?

Farrah refuses to name-names, but shares that “politicians – especially mayors” proposition her the most. “I’m defiantly not small town when I show up!” she laughs. That should do wonders for her future political career… 

Since Farrah will show up to anything, apparently, she’s done a lot of reality shows – including plenty of televised therapy, and has a lot of laments about Dr. Drew (jokingly) saying he wants to strangle her. Farrah was “personally hurt” by his so-called “pantomime.” 

“It’s just kinda like a real situation with me. I know that’s like totally weird probably to hear, but it actually happened to me, and I had like lawyers, and they got detained they couldn’t go back into the country because of this and then they lied,” Farrah says, referencing her experiences on Celebrity Big Brother. “I don’t wanna work with people like that anymore!” 

“I don’t trust someone who jokes around… I don’t ever need a strangling – and that’s not a diagnosis. I don’t think a real, true doctor would say that and I’ve been around a bunch of doctors on television,” Farrah continues. “I don’t really think they help a family or help get through something. And I do therapy weekly. I’ve always done that since I’ve been 16 or so, because of all the stuff I’ve been through, so I’ve seen what real doctors do – they help me, they help my career, they make me grow, they help my daughter, they help my family … God forbid if someone who was really helping me said that.” 

So yes, doctors help. Televised doctors – despite the many, many Farrah has used for publicity – do not. And if this is Farrah after all that “help” from “real, true doctors” I have no words… 

Farrah refuses to work with Dr. Drew again. “They can just bring in a different host while I am on the show getting interviewed about my real life, personal questions. They can have someone who can act like they give a shit! He doesn’t really interject or weigh in a lot in my life. He always just complements what’s already going on,” she assesses. “And that’s what he’s there to show or magnify for the show.” 

Even though Farrah completely misinterpreted Dr. Drew‘s comments, and is completely over-reacting to his perceived meaning, I agree with her that it’s time for him to leave the Teen Mom empire behind. Farrah dubs his advice “repetitive.” 

“I’m excited to see him do something else. Like a new times in his career,” suggests Farrah. “I think that’s what he’s ready for. I think he needs to challenge himself. He just needs to grow in a different way.” 

Since televised doctors don’t help Farrah keep it real, this season of Teen Mom OG will show her getting Anger Management from a doctor – on TV.  “There’s just a lot of growth personally. There’s a lot of let-downs. There’s a lot of new things I’ve learned as a parent.” 

Since Sophia turned 7, “motherhood is much easier” for Farrah. “Motherhood is great. My daughter’s well-balanced. I’m pretty proud of the parent that I’ve become.” 

Farrah wavers on whether or not Sophia knows about her sex tape, but concedes, “I’m sure she may have heard about that. I think the boys in her class may have Googled a time or two…” (THEY’RE SECOND GRADERS – I should hope not!!!!!!!) 

“I’m actually a pretty upfront, honest person – if there’s anything, I just confront it,” explains Farrah. “There’s no reason to hide anything, but there’s just timeliness of age and what’s appropriate.” Like waxing Sophia’s eyebrows?!

Farrah has coached Sophia on handle the public because there’s “so much attention on her; there’s so much attention on me,” she sighs. “I’ve kinda been like these are the awesome people who support us, so we need to take the time to at least say hi. I actually talk to her more about social skills.”

Farrah exclaims that she “can’t wait!” to have the ‘The Birds and The Bees’ convo with Sophia, because was “the late bloomer” in high school. “And then life just happened to me… I go through a shock process really with everything that I go through…” 

Farrah’s goal is to impart lessons she’s learned the hard way onto Sophia. Number one is “sticking close to God;” number two is to remember her father, Derek; thirdly, to take care of herself as a woman no matter what; and lastly, “How to find the right man. That boy better be running after you, not you running after the boy! And she’s done that.”

She isn’t concerned about Sophia possibly following in her sex tape footsteps, but if she does, “GOD BLESS HER!” Farrah cheers. “If you’re 18 and you’re vulnerable enough, or your mother wasn’t there, or you don’t have enough money in your bank account and you decide to do that, then that’s your own choice,” Farrah clarifies, “but I don’t think I’m setting my daughter up for that.”

Farrah still plans for more children. “I would like to have a son of my own. I have great genes, my daughter is beautiful! But, I don’t really know if need to have more kids. There’s so many kids who need help.” 

She laughs about getting pregnant again to “make me more money.” 

“That option has been taken by all of my other cast members,” Farrah snickers. “They have really milked the shit out of that one!” (Touche!)

Actually Farrah believes she’s unfairly targeted as a mother due to the show and her sex tape – like when the principal called her out because Sophia wore makeup to school. “Forget makeup,” seethes Farrah. “I have bigger shit to deal with in my family when my daughter’s wondering about how do we die, and what’s death, and where’s my dad and where did he go?” (Farrah and Sophia see a grief counselor together). 

Farrah knows she recites a “pretty epic” amount of hate, but it no longer bothers her. “I’m so bored of hate. If you wanna get my attention you’ve gotta do something other than hate me, so it takes a lot to get my attention. It’s just not real in my life. My life is so f–king fantastic hate’s the least of my worries.” 

What she does focus on is business – which she swears has not at all been affected by her sex tape. Her focus is on “residual income” and becoming a billionaire by 30. 

“No one interferes with my goals. I just focus on my Godly goals in life and that’s all I need – and everything happens. So many people act like you need this, you need that; Farrah tell me what to do …  I don’t even tell myself what to do!” Farrah boasts. “I f–king wake up in the morning and I work it! If you don’t use your mind, if you don’t use you, then you just kinda go to waste. That’s kinda where I am – I just have to keep it together.” 

“I like to place bets in different, like, projects” she says. She jokes about opening a bar called “AA” and may have a new show in the works about “porn star matchmakers.” It’s the brainchild of “one of the producers from an amazing, long-time favorite show that’s going on still to this day with top celebrities.” 

“It’s getting picked up,” she hints. Farrah is coy about her involvement, but demurs, “Could you really have a show about porn stars without me? Because it’s so thrusted upon me! I’m so pushed into that! God blessed me.”

“I think people sensationalize the celebrity sex tape,” Farrah complains. 

Then she talks About. That. Sex. Tape. (That. Wasn’t.).

Farrah reiterates that despite her toys, her blow-up doll, her appearances at AVN and adult entertainment conventions, and her stripping – she’s not a porn star. “I know what that’s really about,” she compares. 

“I see my girlfriends gettin’ down when it’s about that stuff. I’m not taking clients everyday, I’m not doing some of the things that my other girlfriends really do. And they are making great money doing that – I’m not saying anything bad. But it’s a different situation.” 

“I don’t judge,” Farrah maintains. “I grew up in a neighborhood where I lived in a mansion and there were drug dealers and meth busts. I kicked it with everyone. I’m just that kind of person, and if you can balance that, you can; and if you can’t, f–k you and be realistic about life.” 

Farrah preaches her amazing money-management skills and restrained spending. “I actually stagger myself. Like I don’t have a Ferrari yet. I’m gonna turn it up when I’m 30.” 

She’s in therapy for business help and to confirm, “Is my brain all right?

“If I didn’t think out of the box I wouldn’t be making money,” Farrah explains. “I have to have someone who’s, like, bigger than the world is, and that’s what my therapist brings to me.” 

She denounces therapists who focus on “small-ass shit that’s irrelevant” and who accuse her of being best friend rather than mom to Sophia. Farrah turned to therapy to deal with depression after Derek died. “I thought I was getting married,” she admits, “And then that was gone.” 

“I was like struggling – I needed to get my life together. I have a gorgeous child, I don’t want to piss that away,” says Farrah. “Now I live for a purpose.” 

Presently, she’s “really f–king happy” with life and has even given up plastic surgery! 

“Plastic surgery turns out to be more than you bargained for – I will say that for sure,” Farrah concedes. “I’ve kinda like let it all go. I took a chin implant out. I dialed down on the injections, cause I thought they were too much.”

“The only thing I had to fix was like breasts, because I was getting serious scarring and I felt like I had a heart attack many nights in a row…” Farrah jokes that she looks like Chuckie’s Bride. 

Random Tidbits: 

Farrah listed her Hollywood Hills home “with the Altman Brothers on Million Dollar Listing” for $900,000. “It’s a deal from all the money I’ve put into it,” she insists. 

She warns that because rabid Teen Mom OG fans swarm the house, “Private showings ONLY. I don’t trust people!” Does this mean we’ll be seeing Farrah on Million Dollar Listing: LA next season? 

I’ll admit that in portions, Farrah sounded shockingly articulate and mature. Maybe I need to lie down… 

TELL US – HAS FARRAH GROWN AND CHANGED FOR THE BETTER? WILL SHE BECOME A BILLIONAIRE BY 30?

[Photo Credit: FayesVision/WENN.com]

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