Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County. And my, my… some things have changed. And some things like the delusion that is Vicki Gunvalson remained firmly in tact! At least her face looks better this season.
Barney Judge and Eddie are working hard at CUT Fitness and after 8 months in business are breaking even. Good for them! She compares the venture to having a newborn and then mentions that Eddie is five-years-younger than her and the deep sexy voice (debatable) he uses to teach classes gets all the ladies' revved up. It makes Tamra jealous – and insecure about her age. Tamra says she's doing everything she can to look younger. We can tell….
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Vicki is still Vicki. Her divorce is finalized, Briana moved out and got pregnant again, and now that Vicki can have Brooks over she still doesn't apparently, she instead adopted a stray who works for Coto Insurance. Speaking of Brooks, Vicki is very evasive about the status of their relationship which is classified as "off and on". It seems that after the recording of Brooks threatening to hit Vicki surfaced at last year's reunion she just went underground with her relationship and instead of dumping him, she turned a blind eye and hides him. Either Vicki's love tank is truly desperate or this relationship is abusive.
Briana is pregnant again and Ryan is about to be transferred to OK. Vicki is upset about them moving away because she doesn't want to be an absentee grandma. Briana describes her relationship to her mother as "strained" because of Brooks and they just mutually agree not to speak about him. It's sad. Tamra is in the very same state with Vicki and Brooks – as long as it doesn't come up, everything is fine.
Heather Dubrow and Terry are building their new massive mansion after selling their old one for $16 million. Oh to be rich… oh to get rich nipping faces. They meet with their architect to design every feature. It will be 17,000 square feet and take 2 years to complete. I think I saw a documentary about this called The Queen of Versailles, although Heather's Botox is much better. In the meantime the Dubrow fam is decamped into a classy but "small" (as in 5,000 square feet) rental. Heather likes being close together, but Terry is dying to escape. I just cannot imagine needing a break from the uptight, bossiness that is Heather. The only thing about her that has relaxed is her facelift – her face moves so much more this season and looks great!
It is through Heather's house project that we meet new Housewife Shannon Beador. Heather's architect also designed Shannon's house. Shannon's house is massive, and eco-friendly, and yada, yada, yada… she's obsessed with not being around chemicals and takes holistic approaches -except when it comes to her preservation. Heather is surprised given that Shannon is so kooky that her house is so traditional looking, I believe she referred to it as "grandma".
Shannon has 3 kids, including twins that were accidentally conceived, and a very icy relationship with her husband who seems like he can't stand to be around her. He designs freeways or something. Shannon spends all her time and money at a quack holistic doctor called Dr. Moon who burns incense on her skin and puts sun charts on her bellybutton to check alignment.
Reasons why your marriage is failing… She won't let her daughters use a cell phone because of radiation. She has no wi-fi in her house (are they on dial-up?!) and she can't cook organic chicken to save her life, which I don't get. It's not hard to cook a chicken breast but you could tell her "ruse" of cooking dinner was just that – she had a piece of bare chicken thrown on a plate with a Honeymoon salad (lettuce alone – say it out loud. It's my FIL's favorite joke). I don't know about this chick… somethin' ain't right.
Heather and Tamra go hiking together where they complain about how Gretchen Rossi is totally terrible. DUH! Heather and Tamra don't hear from her and Tamra is still pissed she got plastic Gretchen Christine luggage as a bachelorette present, but no wedding gift. It seems Tamra has realized Gretchen is as fake and phony as the plastic crap she hawks.
Heather is still trying to make this actress thing happen and working this as a storyline for another season. Yawn. She's landed a bit part in Hawaii 5-0 and wants Tamra to come with her while she shoots in Hawaii. Tamra suggests inviting Vicki, Heather is hesitant because she always feels like the third wheel with Tamicki. Tamra admits that Heather just isn't that fun or silly. Or as Vicki explains it, Heather needs to take her fancy pants off and put a g-string on. I wear g-strings – they're fun!" #ReasonsWhyVickiIsStuckWithBrooks
Heather heads to Hawaii and gets made-up like a homicide victim. Tamra and Vicki meet her there later. They're in high spirits planning to get Heather naked wasted (is Heather on track to become the new 'Gretchen'?). In Hawaii the three of them spend the whole time bickering and trying to one-up each other. It seems that Heather always needs to be right and have the last word. It seems that Vicki always needs to be right and have the last word. And as we all know, two wrongs don't make a right!
They argue about everything from whether or not plumeria is an STD (it is according to Vicki. It is not according to the rest of the universe), to driving – Heather is the worst backseat driver in the world and needs an eject seat, to the temperature of storing and chilling various wines. Heather uses Google as a handy-dandy let me prove you wrong tool. Maybe she should just go on Jeopardy and leave her personal life alone. Vicki and Tamra are weary of her smugness and condescending behavior. It's interesting that Tamra and Vicki seem to be turning on Heather this season – is she the new 'target'?
There are fun moments – they all go surfing, and despite Heather telling everyone repeatedly that she only gets into the ocean waist-deep, she's a natural surfer. Vicki does so many variations of a board and belly plop that I think the entire surf school staff was taking bets about when she'd need mouth-to-mouth. Vicki finally does manage to stand up after Tamra and Heather have done it successfully like 65 times, and she immediately falls and busts her knee open. While Dr. By Approximation Heather tries to put on a band-aid, Vicki whines about stitches. Vicki – pour some wine over it as a disinfectant and quit yer bitchin'.
They hike to a waterfall and while Vicki is off taking a phone call about insurance (she's probably opening a claim for her busted knee), Heather and Tamra discuss their concerns about Brooks. They decide to broach the subject over dinner after Vicki's had a few glasses.
That night at dinner, Vicki and Tamra try to get Heather drunk but instead she just lectures them about wine temperatures while they roll their eyes like she's the embarrassing and annoying parent. Tamra asks Vicki the status of things with Brooks. Vicki says, ummmmm…. ummmmmm… And that's where we end!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL HEATHER BE TAMRA'S VICTIM THIS SEASON? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SHANNON? DID YOU MISS GRETCH AND LEX?