Last night on the Real Housewives of New York things got rowdy in The Berkshires. Or should I say Ramona Singer went bonkers in The Berkshires. Oh, The Berkshires – who goes there? They're just so gauche! They're so ugh – has anyone even heard of them? What are they, like a truck stop? Do they even have pinot? I mean, we know they don't have air conditioner! Who vacations without a beach? The good people all go to The Hamptons. Just ask Ramona – she's the expert on all things classy and high society. All the best society girls appear on trashy reality shows and behave like, well, trash!
Really, if LuAnn de Lesseps is any kinda friend, she'll stop taking Ramona to aerial yoga and start making her endure regular reading lessons from Class With The Countess! So Ramona happened, in The Berkshires, with the wine glass.
Before all that Sonja Morgan, takes her sexy j downtown for some business lessons from Kristen Taekman's husband Josh. Right off the bat we know this isn't going to go well because Kristen lives in a rental. A rental she can afford, but a rental nonetheless, which makes her a peasant in the eyes of Miss The Toaster Oven That Never Could!
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Josh suggests Sonja start by building a team, but Sonja already has a team – some Chinese manufacturers she met selling Fauxnels near the Empire State Building. Apparently Sonja's businesses have doubled since last week; they must be like earthworms and able to mate with themselves because she now has dealings with Saudis for shirts and Nigerian football teams (?!?!) for perfumes. Look Sonja – just because you lick the cologne off the chest of a Nigerian footballer doesn't mean you have a business relationship.
Josh is flummoxed by Sonja's lack of focus. "You're f–king bananas" he tells her. "Bananas! Oh yeah, I've got some of those too – for my yellow and white diamond collection," Sonja gushes. "I've been working closely with the Cubans to create hybrid banana that also has peanut butter inside. Get it – it's like bananas and nuts, because I'm bananas and nuts! And I'm also a comedian – just ask my Saudigerian Foozeball Team, the Caburlesques!" Josh suggests Sonja pick one thing, do it well, and then go from there. Sonja is stuck on Toaster Ovens – people want it. And the tags are on the jewelry in France. She feels a headache coming on, she's been downtown for too long and is starting to get disoriented.
When Kristen comes home Josh spells it out – Sonja is delusional. And whatever happened to that toaster oven?
Heather Thomson has planned a lovely getaway in The Berkshires for the ladies, sans husbands. Before the weekend she hosts a couples dinner party to thank the husbands for loaning out their wives for the weekend. Ramona brings a +2 – she dragged along her "gay husband" without telling Heather. Ramona really knows how to take this rudeness thing up to a million, doesn't she?
Mario is so thrilled to be one less pinot sidecar, he does a happy dance at the table and kisses Heather. Ramona had a look on her face like she accidentally swallowed a sip of sauvignon blanc.
When the wife's away the mistress comes out to play!
I don't know what made Ramona more upset – Mario's excitement at her leaving, or the fact that she was being kidnapped and taken to The Berkshires. Ramona is pretty sure that's where serial killers go to hide their victims. I mean none of the celebrities Ramona knows go there (eye roll). Or any of the rich people. Or even Aviva Drescher, who can't attend. I mean no one goes there. Ever. Period. Never. The Berkshires is more obsolete than Sonja's toaster oven.
Speaking of which, Josh is still reeling from his meeting with Toaster Never, who mysteriously is not here. LuAnn hypothesizes that Sonja doesn't want to leave her townhouse because she's afraid the bank will snatch it out from underneath her while she's not home. Good theory – Lu! Ramona is affronted that Josh would dare talk badly about her BFF, despite the fact that she has been saying all the same things about Sonja's shaky business plans. And despite the fact that Ramona is the one who started telling everyone the details of Sonja's money troubles.
Ramona insists Sonja's toaster oven was never a product of delusion – it was real, dammit! Like unicorns in the wild – it exists. It's magical. And just ask Ramona, she's seen it. I think what Ramona saw was Sonja putting a 'Sexy J' magnet on the side of her Breville toaster oven and calling it a prototype and after a few glasses of pinot – Ramona will believe anything. Just ask Mario!
LuAnn, Sonja, and Ramona go to aerial yoga, which gives Sonja an idea for her next business venture, Caburlesquega, featuring the formidable Sonja Morgan's sexy J on the sexy sling! Get it here folks! Step right up!
After yoga, Ramona is still complaining about The Berkshires. Ramona is a self
–made woman who escaped a terrible childhood in the woods. Ramona being raised a feral child explains a lot. Being forced to return to woods triggers traumas in her. Sonja encourages her to embrace it and have fun, but Ramona is annoyed at Sonja for "sounding like a broken record." Meanwhile Ramona has been talking about much The Berkshires sucks all episode… Look at this way, Ramona – at least you won't run into Mario's mistress in The Berkshires!
On the way to The Berkshires, poor LuAnn gets trapped in the car with Tweedle Drunk and Tweedled Broke and F–ked, aka Ramonja. Ramona is still rampaging about The Berkshires. She googled real estate prices and discovered The Berks is basically a glorified trailer park. Not one home has sold for over $5Mil – including Heather's po-dunk property. Then Ramona calls Heather to make sure she has air conditioner, because the mountains and all.
Learning Heather doesn't have AC (or a wine fridge), Ramona immediately calls around to order a unit to be delivered to Heather's home. Ramona will get vertigo if she doesn't have cold air blowing on her.
Then Ramonja critique LuAnn's driving. Eject seat! In the other car Carole Radziwill (who has returned from L.A., gotten dumped pre-first date by voice mail, and met with a lascivious dating consultant who advises her to never wear pants) and Kristen discuss Kristen's frustrations with Ramona.
Arriving at Heather's house, Ramona is confused. Where is the butler? And the house – she thought that was the garage! Sonja decides to just hang out in the trunk of Lu's SUV, which at least has air conditioning and is bigger than Heather's house. Well, Sonja, at least Heather isn't losing all her homes to the bank! Why didn't Ramona just stay home? Why accept an invitation if she didn't want to?
Of course, LuAnn behaved graciously. Why was she demoted again? To make more room for the appalling and desperate behaviors of Ramonja? Thanks for that, Bravo. Heather carries Ramona's bags to the house amid the complaining about heat, accommodations, and smells – and then Ramona's AC unit shows up. The poor delivery boy is subjected to Ramona and Sonja gyrating over the blowing cool air and talking about how good it makes their menopausal vag's feel. They offer him ice cold pinot – for all his hard work. And then offer to pay for his services organically. I think he broke an Olympic record running out of there.
Carole and Kristen arrive with bagels and good attitudes. Nothing to see here folks. And now back to Ramona complaining. They all get their bathing suits on to go out in the canoes on the lake. Ramona complains about carrying the canoe and demands "LuMan" with her "linebacker shoulders" do it. Poor Carole gets to take a ride on the Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Broke boat and realizes she prefers the company of Aviva.
In the other boat, LuAnn, Kristen, and Heather have fun. Meanwhile Ramona guzzles wine and complains some more about the horrible Berkshires. Heather suggests fishing. Ramona complains about fishing and worries she's gonna get her hair wet – cause she just got a blowout, of course. Then Ramona worries she'll get hooked, then she demands everyone stop talking because she needs silence. Ramona doesn't want to hear anyone's voice but her own – and maybe Sonja's agreeing with her.
Carole catches a fish, a miracle, given the ranting of Ramonja. Then Ramona starts complaining about Kristen. Loudly. Kristen and Heather happen to be swimming in the lake and paddle over to make sure Carole isn't hanging herself with fishing line. They overhear Ramona. So Kristen splashes Ramona and gets her hair wet. Ramona loses it – she calls Kristen a "f–king bitch!" and throws her entire glass of wine at Kristen and hits her in the face. Then she flings her paddle at Kristen, nearly hitting her.
Kristen discovers she's bleeding and gets upset. Carole jumps overboard, LuAnn administers medical attention (she's a nurse. LOL), and Ramona blames Kristen and The Berkshires for making her angry, bringing back memories of her childhood, and forcing her to react violently. Of course. Absolutely.
Ramona is insane. Her behavior is pathetic, deplorable, and disgusting. She needs to be voted off the Housewives island – or worse yet, forced to endure an eternity in The Berkshires with lukewarm pinot and no air conditioner.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID RAMONA BEHAVE BADLY OR DID KRISTEN DESERVE IT?