Last night was the season finale of The Real Housewives Of Orange County and everyone was ready to move forward. I mean after verbally decimating each other again. Or if you ask Heather Dubrow “pugilistically” arguing! Yes, the highlight of the episode was when Mrs. Perfect Always Right used her vocab word incorrectly!
The ladies are back from Bali and one person truly embraced the spirit of reincarnation to shed all the dead weight (did the fish eat it?): Shannon Beador! She’s a whole new woman – she and David are even sleeping in the same bed. Despite her issues with Tamra and Heather, Shannon wants to move forward (catchphrase of the night) so she’s attending Vicki Gunvalson‘s party with positive energy and no hard feelings. If only… if only feelings were likewise.
Over at Tamra Barney‘s home for the grudge-holding, snarling biatches, she’s still spitting mad that she got called out. And ain’t nobody gonna escape her wrath! Tamra reveals that she took an earlier flight home to escape the girls and now she doesn’t want to go to Vicki’s party because Lizzie Rovsek is the devil in an ugly dress. In Tamra’s mind Lizzie is something from an R.L Stine’s Goosebumps novel (4th grade reading level!). She calls Heather, who is now totally team Tamra. Tamra has a million excuses for all the horrible things she has done and said – and how everyone else is worse; Tamra spins things more than my washing machine. But unlike my washer – the dirt isn’t coming out!
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And despite being the one who claimed they should all move forward in Bali. And despite receiving her umpteenth apology from Shannon for an infraction no one even remembers – was it something about getting yelled at?! – Heather is, again, stirring up trouble. This time she tells Tamra that on the plane home Shannon told Vicki not to talk to Tamra or forgive her.
Of course Tamra is aghast! How could Shannon think such things – it’s those little green men in her head telling lies again, isn’t it? Oh! Oh! And Shannon owes Heather another apology because David told her to “spread her legs” during the bull riding at her ground breaking party. From now on, whenever Shannon sees Heather she should just skip the hellos and greet her with “I’m sorry.”
But Tamra and Vicki aren’t done yet – Tamra apologized to Vicki for talking ish about Brooks. Vicki basically tells her she owes Brooks an apology for continuing the lynch mob against him (although I take at least partial credit for that) and tells her to just back off. Tamra agrees to start afresh – again – for Vicki. But she’s not feeling it in her heart.
Vicki hosts a Bali-themed dinner party and her home looks amazing! She advises the caterers to hide the knives – which, so boring! And as if Tamra didn’t bring her switchblade stiletto. And you know if Chanel makes a taser, Heather has it in every color of fantasy tweed!
Getting ready for the party, Lizzie’s plan is to stay the hell away from Tamra, because hanging out with sociopaths is a dangerous business. Yes, Lizzie believes Tamra is a sociopath. I don’t know about all that – I’m still waiting on my Psychiatry By Bravo degree to come in the mail, but I mean sure – I’ll go along with it! She does like to kill people’s spirits, after all.
On the way to the party Heather is all complaining about Shannon to Terry. Heather is turning into Tamra with all the backstabbing and trash talking! #WeAreTheCompanyWeKeep Terry is all riled up ready to confront the horrible David for the most disgusting comment he’s ever heard – as if Terry hasn’t been hanging out with Tamra or watching Married With Children secretly in his office when Heather isn’t around.
Before the party begins Vicki has a tet-a-tet with our dear friend Brooks. He’s ready to try again with Tamra because he loves Vicki
‘s bank account. Ir early don’t care about this mess anymore – we all know Brooks is a sleaze ball and Vicki won’t see it. I get Tamra’s frustration with Vicki, but what can you do but let the lady woo hoo to her own demise. Love Tank Full = Brain Empty.
Vicki goes to get dressed and emerges in a slutty Star Wars costume. The convention was last week, toots! But at least her hair and face look good. Vicki tells us she’s going to give Tamra yet another chance, even though she should have ditched her years ago, because she loves her. And obvious of obvious: she’s a glutton for punishment. Duh – she’s on this show!
The party starts off well. Tamra and Brooks chat, and agree to move forward. Let’s hope! David instantly apologizes to the Dubrows for the legs comment – he was drunk, getting into the spirit of things, and it was all in fun, but nonetheless inappropriate.
Of course, the Dubrows cannot accept an apology. In fact, if an apology was a lifesaver they would protest that it wasn’t a good enough life saver and reject it until they drowned. Which is what happened here. Terry starts arguing that his 80-year-old mother and kids heard the comment which sent them into a tailspin requiring months of intensive therapy, a thousand hours in a sensory deprivation float tank, and at least 50 gallons of milkshake. And flashback to Eddie who is yelling at Heather “Show us how you ride Terry!” Well, well – I don’t see the Dubrows demanding Eddie grovel at their feet. Are we sure Terry’s mother is OK?
Vicki distracts everyone by trying to politely get them to the table before she tries to politely make a toast. Then she gives up and screams that everyone shut-up, have fun, and eat! Can’t let the WOO HOO spirit stay submerged for long. Case in point: she gives all the girls penis-shaped wine bottle openers. Heather is not down with the phallic. In four months she’s going to demand an apology from Vicki for being crass, claiming all along she was furious and disgusted but needed a long time to come to terms with the situation, which so unnerved her. Then when Vicki apologizes at least 35 times, Heather will continue to argue and yell and demand more apologies before claiming Vicki never apologized, yelled at her, and embarrassed her in front of her children, mother, gynecologist, Starbucks baarrista and all of Southern California’s casting directors because Vicki is insane, but Heather is willing to forgive.
I digress. Over dinner Tamra brings up Marry, Shag, Kill again. I say Kill all the ladies but I might shag (or marry!) Christian. Don’t get mad Lizzie! Tamra seethes that Lizzie wishes Eddie wanted her – but he wouldn’t touch her “Kentucky fried titties” with a 10-foot-pole. Au contraire – I think the real problem is Tamra knows Eddie is dying to touch them. With his fingers. And all the things Tamra accuses Lizzie of – attention seeking, desperate to be the center of attention and seem important – are things she doesn’t like about herself!
Of course that escalates into Heather defending Tamra and stating that everyone yelled at her in Bali – and we know how Heather feels about people yelling! RIGHT SHANNON! So that’s where this is going – to Heather’s own agenda to further her ire at Shannon, whom Heather claims is responsible for everything. Of course, spread your legs comes back up and Terry starts screaming at David across the table. Miss Manners doesn’t stop him. Apparently David made that comment because he’s just a low-class, tacky and crass “construction guy” who loves those “holla back girls” – because everything about Shannon screams holla back girl. Maybe holler back, but definitely not holla!. And according to Terry’s medical dictionary there’s a term for guys like David: A PENIS. Welp, at least he’s not a dick. Which is what Terry is.
OK – really? What the hell was going on there? Seriously. SERIOUSLY! Heather needs therapy as badly as Tamra does – and Terry was really riled up over nothing. The man apologized.Then Heather launches on Shannon about how she argues “very pugilisitically” and Tamra calls her insane. But you know what – Shannon was right: We all see the truth about Heather!
Shannon sighs, collects herself, and in a calm voice like that of Glenda The Good Witch she speaks. Silence falls over the table as flowers bloom their night buds and the sky opens up to a million sprinkling stars. “Ladies,” she begins, “I am no longer angry. And I will not yell. I have apologized enough and there is nothing else to do or say. I refuse to engage any further.” No one moved. They were afraid. Was this the calm before the superstorm? Was this a trick? But it wasn’t – it was slideshow time and no one can be mad in front of photos of elephant rides and Balinese rituals.
The show was over except for the mommies crying. Both Vicki and Tamra’s adult children moved away from home, out in the world, to start their own lives. There was crying that seemed sincere, things that were real life and two lonely mothers who gently rested their hands on the side of the cars as their children pulled away, leaving them standing in the driveway with tears and mascara streaming down their faces. “I’m a wreck,” sniffles Vicki, “and now I have to go sell insurance.”
TELL US – WAS TERRY’S ANGER AT DAVID JUSTIFIED? WILL HEATHER AND SHANNON EVER BE FRIENDS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]