Oh Florida – poor state victimized by Jersification at the hands of Real Housewives Of New Jersey. They spewed their drama all over your pure Boca beaches and left nothing but the reeking wreckage of poison, Dunkin’ Donuts cups, purloined Virginia Slims, and deflated twins.
Jim and Amber Marchese are holding the living room hostage and Bobby has finally emerged from the bathroom. What a good little trooper! Mommy wiped his tushy and he skulked downstairs to be polite. Bobby is afraid of a pissy Jimonster revealing his secrets – like that secret girlfriend he has stashed away! And Jim has seen photographic proof!
Bobby denies it, then stomps back upstairs to hide in the bathroom. But not before yelling “Figaaarooooo” from the top of the stairs. Bobby the expression is, “It’s not over til the fat lady sings.” Unfortunately your IQ under 12 misinterpreted that as, “It’s not over until the stumpy guido bellows off-key.” Lucky for Bobby he has
ever-desperate ever-loving Nicole Napolitano to hold down the fort from Hurricane Jim. She fails. Big time.
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Nicole fails even with Teressssa Aprea‘s assistance! Because as it turns out Teresssa will be the one most hurt in the crossfire.
Among all the squabbling, squealing, and shrieking Melissa Gorga cornered Amber to tell her she deserves better than Jim. And she does – she deserves better, like that lone Virginia Slim she’s been carrying around in her purse since she got The Cancer. Amber whips it out, with a hair flip, and lights up like this is 1999 and she’s on a break from Lookers. Oh to be young and cancer-free, and by that I mean Jim-free!
Amber tells us that every day Jim is at war… with his two personalities. Loving Jim is a battlefield. No one can tell him he’s wrooooong! But Amber is trapped by his love. And chained to his siiiiiiide. [Pat Benetar, folks!]
The rages of Jim even mange to unsettle the zenness of our fair Dina Manzo, who tells Amber that she’s married to a dick. And that Jim acts like has a vagina. I think it’s official folks 1) Jim is a scientific anomaly: a dick with a vagina. And 2) Jim is a better Housewife than Amber.
I lost track of what was going on here, but the twins were shrieky-ranting in defense of Bobby, so Jim revealed that Rino has also been scummy, first trying to f–k Victoria Gotti, a stripper, and finally: “He f–ked your moooo-oooom!” Jim taunts. Everyone gasps because somebody’s mooooom was talked about! And that’s the line we’re drawing in the sand of disgusting here on RHONJ. Oddly, Teresa and Nicole didn’t seem so shocked initially.
Teresssa turns her wrath on Dina – who is apparently at blame for everything! Shouldn’t Teressssa barge into Jim’s room, where presumably he’s locked in the bathroom or hiding at his beach house down the road as real men do, and confront him? Guess not – it’s shoot the messenger time, and the wrong messenger got shot, because Terssssssa emptied all her bullets into Dina, and not Jim. I think the twins emotional instability can be blamed on Dunkin’ Donuts cawfee withdrawal.
In their room, Amber is The Drunk and she’s slurring through some math equations about how The Jim has ruined everything by taking on the “fun bag twins.” According to Amber, 2 + 1 + smoking in the boys room + funbag twins + IQs of 12 x booze + Tsquared does not = Peace. But Jim feels justified in destroying Teressssa and Nicole because they assaulted Amber. Amber forgives Jim. Jamber survives!
The next morning Jim makes eggs – as if there were any eggs left to crack after last night! Melissa can’t believe someone would say something so disgusting about someone’s mother and then act like nothing happened. Also appalled is Poison. My my… where did their high fallutin’ morals emerge from? Teressssa decides she can’t stay at the house with Jim and Amber, so she is going to her beach house 5 minutes away where Rino is waiting, hiding from Gotti secrets. Nicole is beside herself, her heart can’t go on without Teresssa! How will she ever have fun if she has to spend one day without her sistuh?!
Jim says he was just “having a little fun with Teressssa.” Amber suns herself, poolside, with a cup of coffee, hunched over a plate of eggs – it’s not her fault Jim spilled the means, so yacht time! Dina announces, politely, that Jim and Amber must leave because what Jim did it was disgusting and unzennish. Amber is shocked! She came on this trip to celebrate being The Cancer free and now she is being blamed for The Jim and The Twins behavior. Maybe Amber and Dina should have teamed up to kick Jim out?
Back in Jersey, Teresa Giudice is relieved she didn’t go to Florida. There’s bigger things going on in her life – like Milania’s misbehavior. Poor Milania – mommy will send her to boarding school. Just like the one mommy will soon be going to!
Juicy announces that he and Teresa are going to get away. No not “away-away”, but to a hotel for a romantical date. Hope they declared that little trip on their pre-sentencing financial disclosure form! Over oysters in the fancy hotel, Juicy toasts to Teresa (dare I say it, but indictment has made him love his wife more?), then comments that oysters look like a “sloppy vagina” which is an aphrodisiac. And that’s how you keep a marriage a float!
Also struggling to keep their marriage afloat is Jacqueline Laurita, who tells us 85% of marriages fail when there is a special needs child in the family.
So is her storyline to blame everything on Nicholas‘ autism? Kathy Wakile brings Jacqueline lunch and advice on how to revitalize her marriage – plan a stay-at-home date night trip down memory lane. For Chris memory lane means getting Jacqs drunk and freaky, like their first date – and talking about how Joe and Teresa don’t want to be their friends anymore because Teresa won’t forgive.
Jacqueline shares that, unlike Teresa, she planned a date at home because they live within their means and she realized material things aren’t worth it … while wearing designer shoes. Only on RHONJ does “Living within our means” coincide with “bankruptcy” and “bankruptcy fraud.” Jacqueline better not become Teresa 2.0. #15Months #OrangeIsTheNewLeopard #AintNoBotoxBehindBars
Back in Florida, the remaining gang hops on a party bus so they can spend the day on a yacht. Bobby lamely apologizes for ditching Nicole for the toilet paper roll the night before. But first Poison had to release. Yes, the Poison has left the building. Melissa gushes that Joe is a catch – uh-huh.
Bobby agrees with Melissa – and does everything he can to catch Joe’s attention. Even giving him mouth-to-mouth! I think we know why Bobby isn’t proposing to Nicole – he wants a taste of the Poison! Dina thinks Bobby just wants to hang out with the “cool kids,”
the RHONJ cameras Poison and Melissa.
Dina warns Nicole that Bobby doesn’t seem good for her, like last night when he was hiding in the bathroom instead of defending his girlfriend. Nicole agrees, but Bawwwby is so hawt! And his bank account is so… I mean she could buy a million Dunkin’ Donuts! And Nicole doesn’t like heights, so Bawby is perfect. Well, she likes heights if they’re attached to a red bottom, which Bawby’s bank account can also buy. Dina just wants to go home to hairless cats. “I’m ‘The Caroline‘ of this trip,” she muses.
Back at the house, Bobby drank way too much trying to keep up with The Poisons and is now passed out. Poor Nicole is all by herself for dinner, which is being prepared by a private chef. Just as Nicole is feeling more dejected than ever before, in walks Teressssa and Rino! Teressssa is back from the dead! She has arisen! It’s a MIRACLE! Nicole leaps from her chair and shrieks, as if her fairy godmother has just turned the shoe wine bottle holder Bobby got her for Christmas into a real pair of Jimmy Choos.
Everyone else cheers. Rino denounces Victoria as not even being able to make up good stories. He can’t stand outlandish people – says the man who was apparently telling tales to Victoria. Teressssa now blames Teresa and Amber for not stopping the rumor immediately by… muzzling Victoria?
Then Bobby also wakes from the dead, stumbling to the table, looking like something one of Dina’s hairless cats dragged in, Real Zombies of New Jersey-style. Everyone cheers again. Shots are announced. And all is right with Nicole’s world. Now if only she could keep Amber and Jim permanently out of the picture…
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
TELL US – WAS AMBER TO BLAME FOR JIM SPILLING SECRETS? SHOULD DINA HAVE MADE AMBER AND JIM LEAVE?
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