Last night Real Housewives Of Atlanta returned to us and brought with it Sheree Whitfield! (Which means I get to bust out my trusty #SheByShebroke hashtag again. YESSSSS.) And like two cats in an alley fighting over the remaining sardine of a storyline, Kenya Moore and Sheree are going at it, clawing at each other over who is more delusional and broke.
There is no greater irony than Kenya throwing Sheree’s delusional behavior in her face. Need I remind you all about Krayonce’s Rent-A-Boyfriends 1, 2, and 3, the charade of Life Twirls On, her fake booty, mystery African princes, Walter, and eviction from the home she so-called ‘owned’… But oh, how I adore that Kenya has met her match in shade, delusion, and sheer desperation to GO. THERE. in Sheree! These two are going to be an explosion of delight this season. And I am here for it – popcorn ready. To quote Kenya, “Nom, nom, nom…”
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However, we open with some good news: Kandi Burruss is pregnant! Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Jackie for their 12 week ultrasound. This will be Todd’s first time experiencing the whole of fatherhood since he didn’t learn of his daughter’s existence until she was much older.
All that is very sweet, but there is sweeter tea to be spilled. Muuuuch sweeter! Phaedra Parks is at home, preparing a tray of snacks to welcome NuKandi, Porsha Williams, over. When Kandi defected to Team Apollo, Phaedra turned to Porsha to get that loving bestie feeling and now they are thick as thieves. Donkey Booty thick that is. Phaedra comments on Porsha’s “tangerine booty” in a clingy jumpsuit – which left me thinking more of Teletubby Booty because that’s what Porsha’s outfit resembled.
Far away from her wifely duties, Porsha is now waving her “Free To Be Me!” flag and has a new man. Who is 10 years younger, and there is penis to be had. But not YET!
However the real news is Cynthia Bailey‘s marriage! “I’m gonna have to put this plate down,” Porsha says, preparing to show Phaedra a video of Peachter getting all cosy with a “young lady” at Sports One in Charlotte. The bar Peachter coincidentally co-owns with Kordell!
Mmmmmhmmmmm… Wasn’t it Porsha who knew allll about how upcloseandpersonal Uncle Peter and the Peach is with his little waitresses?
Everybody knows… about the cheater cam that nabbed Peachter touching some woman’s neck, nuzzling her, and getting cozy in her ear while he apparently was blind to the iPhone being held up behind him.
Everybody indeed – including his wife! Dressed in black as the undertaker about to put a Phuneral By Phaedra on layaway, Cynthia confronts Peachter about how “embarrassing” his little on video was and questions him about the nature of his relationship with the girl.
Peachter demures that the “young lady” is just a regular patron at Sports One and he was networking. Gotta keep the business tight and right by engaging with the customers, right?! #SUCCESS.
Something about Cynthia’s reaction… I was expecting an impassioned “YOU HAVE DONE ME WROOOONG AS A WIFE!” speech, ala NeNe Leakes. But Peachter must have set Real CynthiBot Doll on Xanax Mode, because she basically just whined at him about how all the women have seen it and it’s embarrassing. “We’ll talk about this laterrrrrrrr…” she drones, falling forward into “sleep mode” therefore letting Peachter help himself to the rest of her bottle of wine.
While Cynthia is clinging to the dregs of her marriage, Porsha is playing Mrs. Robinson with Duke, a 24-year-old pro football player she met on instagram. #THOT. Since Porsha lives in the hoooody-hoooo suburbs she rented a hotel room near the airport to welcome him to town because it’s sexier.
And in walks Porsha’s man wearing a backpack and carrying some supermarket flowers! First of all, I don’t trust any many on Real Housewives Of Atlanta who carries a backpack (The Apollo Files). Second of all, time to send this little boy back home to mommy.
Porsha instructs Duke on how to seduce a lady of a certain age – I swear she was about to bust out some flashcards – then helps him put away his school clothes, hang up his backpack, and eat a nutritious snack before dessert. The thought of Porsha schooling anyone in anything is frightful – she needs a CommomCore Of Life. But Duke sadly seems a willing pupil.
Kenya bought a house – which is conveniently situated down the street from Chateau Sheree. Isn’t that bad juju??
As Kenya and Cynthia drive past the plywood heap of Chateau Sheree with its collapsing construction barricades, Kenya wonders if it will ever be finished, or much like Scarlett eternally waiting for Rhett and refashioning curtains into a Gone With The Wind fabulous gown, Sheree will be waiting on her air mattress until the end of time. Kenya also wonders if Sheree may need to borrow some money for the light bill – or windows and doors! They should just be roommates. Now THAT would be a reality show to watch!
According to Kenya the neighbors are complaining about the vacant mess Sheree abandoned in the exclusive neighborhood. But Krayonce has little room to talk about She By SheBroke… because her own abode leaves little to be desired!
Kenya drives Cynthia down this long and windy dirt road, obscured by overgrown trees and woods, to her own rundown, ramshackle plywood structure, which she is calling “Moore Manor”. Why does Kenya’s house remind me of The Shining? “HERE’S KRAYONCE!”
Besides shading Chateau Sheree, Cynthia wonders if Kenya saw the Peachter video… Why of course she did. With popcorn. Nom, nom, nom!
Domestic Bliss was not to be had last night – Phaedra and her mom, Pastor Regina Bell, update us on Life Without Apollo. Phaedra and Apollo do talk regularly about the boys, he communicates with his sons using mail, phone, post cards, etc., but Apollo is moody and unpredictable and sometimes distant. Phaedra’s mom helps out a lot with the boys so Phaedra can continue working. Phaedra is filing for divorce while Apollo is in prison. Added to all this, Phaedra is disappointed that some friends have keep their distance – some friends like Kandi. Thankfully Phaedra has Jesus on her side – and he’s really impressed – the proof is in how spectacular her hair is looking.
Meanwhile Kandi and Todd, preparing for the baby, decide to clean-out their garage, which is filled with Apollo’s stuff! HUH? Including his motorcycle. U
h… why haven’t the feds confiscated that?!
Kandi and Phaedra barely speak, and Phaedra runs hot and cold. Apollo told Todd Phaedra never calls him, hasn’t visited, and when Apollo calls – like once a month – she often doesn’t answer. Kandi doesn’t believe Apollo, but Todd is all, I don’t think my best friend, my bosom buddy, who is in prison for fraud would tell a lie. Oh Todd, bless your heart.
However – the true issue between Kandi, Todd, and Phaedra isn’t Apollo, but money. Todd made a second workout video for Phaedra, which was never released in light of all of Apollo’s legal issues, but Phaedra also never finished paying Todd for his work. Yet, Phaedra acts like the one who has a right to be pissed at Kandi and Todd.
Todd suggests Kandi – his pregnant wife – confront Phaedra about the outstanding balance. Once she pays they can all be friends again! YAY! Why do I feel like Todd will get that check when Apollo’s stuff moves out of the garage and into the Goodwill?
So many things: 1) Why would Todd’s attorney not send Phaedra (and her company) a bill instead of making his wife a bookie? 2) How long has this debt been outstanding? 3) Why isn’t APOLLO responsible for paying any of it?! Maybe Todd can hire Sheree to be his debt collector?
At Cynthia’s her sister Mal is visiting to set Cynthia straight, once and for all, about her ludicrous marriage to Peachter. But first Cynthia pages Captain Obvious by asking Mal if she thinks Peter is really cheating.
But Mal, sidles into Cynthia’s emotional confusion, and asks her point-blank how she really feels about her marriage, and suggesting that Papa Smurf turns into Gargamel when it’s time to get sexy. Cynthia admits that she loves Peter for his mind – as if that’s any consolation since his mind is on the prize of getting in her wallet – but she doesn’t feel attracted to him. Mal’s work here is done – she has always seen Peter for the zero he is. Conveniently the same number in his bank account! Now the seed of doubt is planted in Cynthia’s mind. Mal promises to pray for Peachter – as if Jesus would invest in fixing that mess when Peachter probably owes him money too – and calls a divorce attorney.
But Cynthia has other things to focus on – she’s launching Cynthia Bailey Eyewear and is planning a party. The Cynthia Bailey Train is speeding along full-force… on Porsha’s underground railroad – with or without Peachter, who may not even show up.
Oh but show up he does, wearing his sunglasses at night, acting like Kanye, but the only person messing with his trifling ass is Kenya who immediately calls him out on his behavior towards Cynthia. Peachter is defensive – (sign of guilt!) that young lady is his friend and all important men of distinction have a “video crew” at their disposal –
when they’re on an episode of Cheaters.
The other women arrive, including Marlo Hampton (who is wearing electrical tape as a dress), and everyone is cordial. Yes, Porsha, Phaedra, and Kenya all exchange pleasant hellos and conversated without incident. Even when Kandi arrived, in a t-shirt because nothing else fits her growing bump, everyone was nice. Maybe if Phaedra paid Kandi the money she owes, Kandi could afford some maternity clothes, you guys!
Peter is pissed that Kenya got in his business – business he shouldn’t be letting get on the internet – and stomps away to hide in the corner, waiting for people to recognize him as Mr. Bailey, man of the hour.
Then Mal informs the ladies that Cynthia is no longer interested in Peter and their sex life is running as low as what’s in the bank. “A woman’s heart is connected to her vagina,” asserts Dr. Porsha, knowledgeable in matters of both love and biology!
Then Cynthia finally shows up! She swans down the staircase, wearing a sheer white caftan over bikini bottoms. Cynthia was supposed to be advertising shades, but instead she was selling serious shade by reminding Peachter that he is missing A. LOT [of booty] while he is off canoodling in Charlotte. Get it girl. GET IT. Because it must be said, the farther Phaedra gets from Apollo, the better she looks, meanwhile the longer Cynthia stays near Peachter… Time to move on, cut your [considerable] losses and run girl before Cynthia becomes She By SheBroke 2.0. Speaking of…
In slow motion, stepping bedazzlingly out of an elevator, amid a halo of smoke meant to symbolize shade, and pulling a total eclipse of the sunglasses on display – here is SHEREE! She by SheISbackbitches.
Immediately upon entering the party, with hellos are barely exchanged, after Marlo and Sheree briefly spoke their special language, Kenya introduces herself as Sheree’s new neighbor. Kind of. Meaning IF Sheree ever managed to get Chateau Sheree completed they’d be neighbors. By the way, the other neighbors reported Sheree’s property mismanagement to the city! Oops.
Why in the hell was Kenya being so messy at Cynthia’s – her bestie’s party? She starts crap with Peter, then with Sheree. Kenya must be center of attention with her twirls of delusion, and she will snatch any storyline you have, and claim it for her own.
But nobody checks Sheree and her delusions: not the IRS, not the bank, and certainly not Kenya with her little Zillow research and door-to-door “Shady Neighbor Calling!” gossip inquest. Especially when two can play that game – and did! Sheree knows exactly why Kenya got that heap of sawdust so cheap – mold! Oh girl – gotta remediate that shit!
“Everybody knows it takes a long time to build a house from the ground up,” argues Sheree, “People who have ever built a house before.” Crickets from the group. Crickets which currently reside in both Sheree and Kenya’s homes.
Kenya announces she’ll be finished renovations in 3 months, yet Sheree will be pitching a tent in the unfinished shell of Chateau Sheree’s liberry. Gloves are off. The other ladies quickly move between Sheree and Kenya. Sheree even attempted to upend her glass of wine on one former Miss WHO-S-A, before it was snatched!
“Sheree is not the person to mess with,” says Phaedra astutely, smirking. But I am certainly going to have fun watching Kenya try!
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE SEASON PREMIERE? WOULD YOU RATHER: PITCH A TENT IN CHATEAU SHEREE OR BE MARRIED TO PEACHTER?
[Photo & Gif Credits: Bravo]