Here’s what I have to say about this season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta: I think I’m gonna like it here. This season things are progressing – storylines are moving. We are no longer subjected to the same tired fake feuds and the men are messier than the Housewives. Is that Bravo’s version of feminism?
Last night we met Kim Fields, and I am so happy she did not appear during Kenya Moore and Sheree Whitfield arguing over who is the most broke. Let’s be honest: it’s a tie! Like, I wouldn’t bet a half-finished glass of Franzia on the these two getting their houses finished in a timely manner. They oughtta both get some luxury RVs and plop them on their respective properties. Or pool their resources to construct a Chatfaux SheMoore Messor.
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After Sheree suggests Kenya take swimming lessons while wearing a mold remediation suit, and tries to give her practice by dumping wine on her, Kenya calls Sheree a “bitchass,” then stalks off to the bar. Over her shoulder Kenya shouts out a half-assed apology.
Phaedra Parks sidles up to Kenya to ask why she started an argument with Sheree. Kenya blames Sheree. Mmmmmmmmmmmm… girl the delusion is over-ripened. Get that peach in a pie.
Porsha Williams marvels at the rapid-response of Sheree’s temper. “I’ve gotten better,” Sheree brags. Straight face. Yes – Sheree, whatever happened to customer service?! I expect worse of you!
Meanwhile Cynthia Bailey, party ruined, is focusing her attentions on Peachter, who is, as always, focusing his attentions elsewhere – like on Cynthia’s purse. Luckily Malorie is standing there like a sentry with a ‘Bitch – Go on, try me.’ look in her eye. Have I ever mentioned that I’m a closet Mal fanatic? Shhhh… don’t tell anyone.
Cynthia is upset that Peter is ignoring her and fighting with her friends. Peachter lectures Cynthia about how it was inappropriate of her to down the stairs in a bikini bottom showing off the junk in her trunk. The junk Peter is probably trying to drive to the pawn shop. But let’s just pause for a moment: PETER, who just got put on blast for caressing some “young lady” on a cheater-cam, is pissed that Cynthia!? This is supposed to be CYNTHIA’S PARTY – doesn’t anyone remember CYNTHIA EXISTS!? CYNTHIA just wants to be a real live girl, but Peachter just turns the dials on the Cynthi-Bot to “mute” and storms away. Way to make a statement!
Cynthia admits she and Peter have real problems: personal, financial, and otherwise. It’s taken her 5 year of marriage to figure out this marriage is a sham? Girl… call Dr. Jeff. Oh wait, no, let’s not give anyone any ideas…
And now Kenya And Kim: The Delusion Engulfs Reality. I already know Kim will be the omnipotent narrator – you know the person whose reactions mirror the audience. And when Kenya bops over to Kim’s LEGIT studio, gushing about Life Twirls On, Kim is kind by not outright laughing. Some people actually let Jesus do the fixing! “I just haven’t found the right network for it yet,” Kenya explains. Oh, Kenya, we know the only one expression interest was Facebook, but they wanted you to pay them to promote your business page. Bloop.
Kenya tells Kim, “Hollywood has been good to us.” US? US? [Eyes growing wider]. Then Kenya propositions Kim by asking if she’ll direct on Life Twirls On. Surely Kenya cannot believe this? Life Twirls On, like the 3-seasons past it’s prime use of “Twirl” is dead. Kim, a credit to her manners and sophistication, simply agrees, to watch the pilot. Re: pop some popcorn and NOM NOM NOM while she laughs her ass off.
Later at Kim’s house, we meet her husband Christopher, and her two sons, as she juggles her real career, with her real motherhood. They have no nannies, so Kim and Christopher are both doing it all. But their kids seem happy and cute, their family seems genuinely connected, and Kim is a professional – even as a poopy diaper happens while she films an intro to launch her new maternity line.
Porsha now thinks she’s a business person because her Naked Hair and Naked Lingerie have 2 customers. She hired a “team” of people who look like they’ve never seen her before and gotten an office that resembles a kindergarten classroom. Porsha’s business meeting consists of Porsha talking about Duke, her relationship to Duke, how she can’t let business endeavors get in the way of FaceTiming Duke, and Porsha’s business manager lecturing her about focusing on the coins, not the coochie. Porsha will – all 265 days of Porsha’s calendar year. Also on Porsha’s calendar, a month suddenly becomes a 2 year relationship in which engagement rings have been shopped for. #RunDukeRun
Porsha finishes the meeting by announcing her plans to throw a “Sip and See” to introduce her friends and family to her “baby, who’s all man.” Let’s just break this down: Porsha is having a BABY SHOWER for her boyfriend, who is barely out of training diapers! FIX. IT. JESUS.
It’s Porsha’s world and we’re all just – including Duke – [regretfully] living in it.
Kandi Burruss, on the other hand, needs to focus LESS on the coins, and cuts-back during her pregnancy. The cutting back does not include putting the plate down. Seriously she was eating in every scene! There’s now a kitchen at The Kandi Factory, and some random man making bacon? Is this the power of wealth – a person perpetually at your stove to make bacon on demand while otherwise being silent?
Apparently Kandi is now opening a causal Southern dining restaurant. On paper plates and Red Solo Cups? Kandi, Popeyes already exists, and they don’t need Mama Joyce and Aunt Bertha in their kitchen mixing up sparkling moscato with pineapple juice and powdered sugar.
Kandi is also planning a baby shower and Todd wonders if Phaedra is invited, because lest we forget Phaedra owes him money. When did Todd get so messy? When did he become the NeNe Leakes of this show? Kandi realizes she and Phaedra need to have a heart-to-heart. Like now.
Phaedra is putting her eggs in other baskets: baskets of women scorned. Women like Cynthia. They go get tea, where the tea is every so slightly dripped on the table and despite Cynthia calling Phaedra a cheater last season, decide to put the past behind them and tepidly move forward. The positive of this scene, other than deciding to get along, was that they both looked super cute. But I need to talk about Cynthia’s face in the confessionals. Those cheeks… that look like a newborn baby’s bottom – those are not original, correct?
Then Cynthia cries to her business partner over Skype about how everyone knows Peter is doing a LOT of extra business in Charlotte while she’s at home having to pawn her Real Cynthia Doll to pay the credit card bill. Cynthia’s business partner just wants to talk about the media response to the Eyewear Launch – and to confirm Peter’s name isn’t anywhere near THAT business. Not to worry, he’s focused on Bar Gettin’ Some, which is known for it’s pink tacos.
Meanwhile She By SheBroke and her daughters visit Kandi at Tags. Unfortunately this was not, “Budget, What’s that?” as Sheree directed her girls to the 50% table.
Sheree is still flabbergasted at Kenya coming for her, and Kandi admits that is Krayonce’s modus operandi. Yes, Krayonce loves to twirl her mess all over everyone and then cry victim when they get pissed and retaliate. And now that Kenya has come and twirled for Sheree, she better be prepared to get the twister that is coming back for her.
In the middle of nowhere Georgia, in an Underground Railroad terminal, where a little girl’s delusions live amid the wood paneling – Porsha is about to introduce Duke to the world with a surprise going away party.
Before Porsha’s boyfriend baby-man shower begins, her sister Lauren is found slumped over the toilet and whispers that she’s expecting. She’s 13 weeks, but hasn’t told her mom and sister yet?! Porsha thinks 13 weeks is 2 months, but she also thinks 1 month is a year. Neither Porsha’s mom, nor Porsha, seem excited, weirdly.
Porsha decides Lauren isn’t thrilled about meeting Duke, because she’s been self-obsessed over her pregnancy crap, but Porsha needs Lauren to remember it’s PORSHA’s PARTY now help her into a bedazzled mock jersey with Duke’s number on it!
Oh the irony of Porsha’s sister announcing her pregnancy at Porsha’s Baby-Man shower while Porsha’s desperate is louder than the fake cheerleaders she hired. Porsha has THOT of everything, but Duke was not expecting his THOT to start thinking this relationship was the real deal. As he walked through the door you could hear his brain, that little teeny-weeny jelly bean shaped thing near his eye socket, realizing the errors of his ways. Duke wanted to disappear, but his friend Ken, basically told him he had to stay to spare Porsha’s feelings.
Porsha’s mom is not impressed with Duke. Especially when Porsha reveals that Duke’s mother is the same age as Porsah’s collective friends: Phaedra, Kandi, and Cynthia, all assembled to sip and see Duke. Kandi already knows – per the rumor mill, that Duke was also building THOTful relationships with strippers and a transgender model. Phaedra reminds us that Jesus cavorted with Mary Magdalen and Lepers and he turned out alright, so let’s not judge!
Then Porsha hauls Duke over to her makeshift stage and presents him a trophy for being the MVP of her life, because he makes her feel so confident and it’s just the two of them against the world. Excuse me – Porsha needs to spend a little less time on Snapfish at midnight, and get on ChristianMingle.
“She’s a lot bro,” Duke’s friend Ken whispers, hauling him to the door to seek out a restraining order. Something tells me as soon as Duke got to the airport he changed his number and prayed to any Jesus – even Phaedra’s – that his life doesn’t end up being the screenplay for “Obsessed 2.”
Finally, Phaedra and Kandi lay all their Hallmark cards on the table about who did what and didn’t affirm that. For Phaedra she is pissed Kandi neglected her while she was surviving Apollo, and worse Kandi is storing Apollo’s possessions but didn’t even tell Phaedra. Phaedra claims the Feds even came looking for them and she didn’t know what to tell them. Well they know now! Way to incriminate yourself Kandi!
Phaedra complains that Kandi and Todd judged her for not taking the kids to see Apollo, but she is already paying for everything – including his legal bills – and when he had the chance to be with his sons he was out at the strip club spending thousands with Todd. Touché!
Basically Phaedra and Kandi have a whole mess of unresolved issues related to their never being honest with each other. They both cry and hope that things are resolved. I felt like they were both being genuine? Am I too optimistic? Did I just love Phandi too much? Phaedra also promises to talk to Todd about the money she owes.
Kandi seems happy, and goes back to eating her lunch, but Don Juan, waltzes into the room after eavesdropping and suggests that Phaedra was being fake. Then Kandi starts questioning their whole conversation. Sigh.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK PHAEDRA AND KANDI HAVE FINALLY WORKED OUT THEIR ISSUES? WAS PORSHA’S PARTY FOR DUKE OVER THE TOP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]