Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta the drama in Jamaica was stirred up into a tidal wave. And floating out in the center of it, with the lightning crashing down all around her, laughing in the face of a sea storm set to destroy Cynthia Bailey‘s ‘mercial, was Kenya Moore. Or should I call her, Kenyursula The Sea Witch!
The group is headed somewhere in Jamaica to meet Peter’s long-estranged family, but after learning Cynthia doesn’t consider her a BFF, Kenya skips the outing. Instead she goes to the spa with Matt. While relaxing in a bubble bath Kenya rambles on and on about how Cynthia never appreciated her love and support. Matt is like uhhhhh… I thought this was supposed to be sexytimes not aquatherapy?
Cynthia is also upset because some “super awesome person” went to Kenya to reveal the classified information about Kenya not being Cynthia’s BFF. How old are we again? BFF-bickering? It’s like giving each other those broken heart friendship necklaces in grade school.
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Sheree Whitfield, who has no time for shady drama this season and instead is going straight for She By SheShitStirring, identifies herself as that “super awesome person” – and reminds Cynthia exactly of what SHE said, which is what she told Kenya.
CynthiBot bursts into tears about how she loves Kenya very much and considers her a close friend, not best friend, but a very close friend, although NO ONE will ever be like NeNe Leakes! What on earth are Kenya and NeNe feeding Cynthia to make her so desperate for their love?! Instead of Moore Hair Care, Krayonce should be bottling her ‘Obsession’ potion!
NeNe, headlining the ‘I’ve CHAAAAAAAANGED – BLOOP!’ image rehab tour, volunteers to talk to Kenya about how Cynthia feels about their friendship. “Maybe all three of us could even be friends,” NeNe cackles, bursting into laughter. Right after Kenya and Phaedra Parks become roommates to raise Phaedra’s sons together.
After driving through shanties with goats rambling around – goats make Phaedra hungry (or is it horny – one can scarcely tell from the sounds she was making? Anyway, lock up your goats!) – they finally locate Peter’s long-lost aunt and uncle. They actually hugged Mal – ironically – believing she was Peter’s wife! Mal is like oh no, the fool is over there – just listen for the sounds of coins falling out of her purse.
Everyone sits down to a traditional Jamaican fish fry – seriously fried everything, even soda – where Peter’s aunt tell stories about his childhood. Peter dreamt of stardom and developed his ego after being called “Elvis” as a child. He came from nothing until he stumbled upon Cynthia’s bank account. Also Cynthia wore her Cynthia Bailey Eyewear all throughout dinner – was she smoking some Jamaican ganja and trying to hide the evidence?!
After dinner the ladies go for a nightcap on the beach, while the guys hit the bar. Kim Fields bailed, since she has to prepare for tomorrow’s commercial shoot. Thankfully, she instructed Phaedra and Porsha Williams to keep their booties covered, so the focus is on the eyewear not the thongs. Yes – no one wants to associate CB Eyewear with that, even if Phaedra believes her ass helps sell things. [side-eye]
NeNe finds her way to Kenya’s room, posing as ‘The Help’-ish, (Helpish, meaning Kenya thinks NeNe is room service but NeNe is actually ‘helping’ to reunify Kenya with Cynthia).
After being reassured by NeNe, of all people, that Cynthia does value their friendship (although not ready for that friendship contract just yet!), Kenya is persuaded to come to the beach for a drink.
Kenya does not want to hear about Kim, the commercial, or be reminded that she is not in charge of Cynthia’s everything, so she swoops in like a hurricane to rip these women out of their fried-fish food coma by trashing Kim’s marriage and husband. When NeNe suggests that maybe Kim and Chris want to spend time together, Kenya snarks that they are a ridiculous couple. The ladies discuss Chris’ sassiness (I believe Phaedra termed it, “A little fire in his back legs.”), but Kenya practically foams at the mouth to reveal the so-called rumors about “Tootie & Fruity” and Chris being called “Chrissy”.
The group is aghast by Kenya’s accusations, but no one does too much to defend Kim or Chris. Sheree and Cynthia both sit there, silently, refusing to participate in the conversation – which was just as bad as the others asking questions about Kenya’s gossip! Kenya claims she knows all these rumors after “20 years in the industry.” As a hanger-on?
Seriously – what is with a gay accusation?! It’s sooooo low, crass, and disgraceful! As Sheree said, who cares! If that’s what makes Kim and Chris‘ marriage work, so be it – they seem happy, which is more than we can say for Krayonce’s fake-a-dates! Kenya is upset with Cynthia for hiring Kim over her, but instead of directing her ire at Cynthia, she’s slandering Kim’s marriage on national TV based on rumors, then laughing off her awful comments with, “I must have had too many mojitos!” Yes, and clearly not enough anti-psychotics! Go focus on your so-called amazing budding relationship with Matt. Furthermore, why is it such a so-called “insult” to be gay – Kenya has done this multiple times: with Walter, with Kordell, and now Chris. I was really unimpressed that Porsha didn’t call her out for this, remembering how Kenya also made these same accusations about her husband!
Also, question: Can Krayonce go 15 seconds without some sort of attention-seeking stunt?! She wonders why no one wants to be her BFF? It’s because her Gone With The Wind Funky Twirl gets carried away right quick and can’t stop twirling to destruction like an over-wound music box.
However, after learning that Cynthia regrets saying Kenya wasn’t the other half of her BFF heart, Kenya agrees to attend the ‘mercial shoot for “support.”
Meanwhile, Matt’s drink with the guys is going worse! Peachter is as messy as Kenya – maybe they should get together – and they rag on him for his age, dating Kenya, and his life. Gregg and Peter giving Matt advice is like Tales From The Cryptkeeper. Sadly, for them, Matt is more mature and walks away from the verbal scuffle. He’s way too good for Kenya, who couldn’t do that if a psych nurse wrapped her in a straight jacket and dragged her away from an argument! Peachter snarks that Matt walks like a woman. Peter is ridiculous.
The next day is ‘mercial day and Kim is on IT. The set, the crew, and the shot lists are all organized, Kim flew in her assistant director, and when Cynthia arrives she can’t believe how different it is from working on Life Twirls On where the only thing arranged was the “I Worship Kenya” shrine, as Kenya ran around the set in a wedding dress shouting, “This is MY DAY! All about me!!!! I’m Directerzilla!”
Kim makes it clear the commercial is about Cynthia, so she’s not planning anything about when the group is supposedly arriving. Sure enough by 2 PM, no one’s there. I assume it’s because Phaedra could find no clean underwear or swimsuit bottoms, and ultimately decided to go pantyless in a crocheted skirt? I don’t need to hear about her lady bits taking air and being closer to Jesus. Jesus is not a gynecologist!
On the bus Kenya criticizes the call sheet for being unprofessional, because it doesn’t contain a shot list with times – FOR EXTRAS. But most damning of all, Kenya’s name is not on it! How dare Kim exclude Kenya from the list when up until the night before at midnight Kenya wasn’t planning to even participate in the commercial! Again, Kenya blaming Kim for CYNTHIA’S mistakes.
Kenya is distracted when Phaedra sinks her claws in Matt to ask about his romantic couples spa-day with Kenya. Matt does not want to provide details about what happened with eggplants. Is “eggplants” a euphemism for Kenya using Matt as a sperm-donor, like filling her egg with seeds? Am I not getting things? It it willful ignorance because I do not want to. Kenya is miffed that Phaedra is trying to get up on her man. Yes, it’s not a nice feeling, is it? #KarmaIsAsBitchyAsPhaedra
Just as the group is arriving to the set, storms threaten the beautiful sunny day. Kim rushes to get the final shots in and hustles the group into action.
Realizing that things are running smoothly so there’s no chance of her sabotaging, Kenya decides it’s the perfect time to rent a paddle boat and drift out to sea with Matt. During an impeding storm. NeNe and Sheree wonder what the hell those two are doing out there. Writing a sitcom called Delusion Drifts On?
Kenya is as transparent as Phaedra’s skirt – we all know when Kenya agreed to graciously attend the commercial shoot to “support” Cynthia, she was hoping that when she arrived it would be a disastrous mess so Kenya could swoop in and fix things out with her expertise. Either that, or she could waltz in and cause a big scene-stealing ruckus by creating issues. When it was apparent things were well-run, professional, and that Cynthia was thrilled, Kenya decided to sulk off into the middle of the ocean. Probably hoping Cynthia would get distracted with worry about Kenya floating off to sea and contact the coast guard.
Cynthia is ecstatic that she chose professionalism over friendship and once things wraps invites everyone – even Kenya – to a party that evening.
Back at the hotel Porsha is greeted by a surprise: Oliver, the hottie she met in Miami, has arrived. He and Porsha are very cute together. I like him – he’s fun and confident, but respectful. Porsha relegates him to the suite’s guest room to merely imagine how she looks in her Naked Lingerie. NeNe is quite surprised to learn of Porsha’s sudden affinity for taquitos – quite a shift from married African sugar daddies.
The wrap party runs as smoothly as the commercial shoot did. Even Kim and Kenya are avoiding each other like the plague, but when the topic turns to Chris and his professional career, the ladies are all fake-supportive. Sheree decides this “fake shit” is too much – apparently it’s more ridiculous than her being on a couples trip with Bob? – and she is compelled to inform Kim what was said about her husband behind her back! The tension in the room was thicker than NeNe Leakes‘ ego and no one breathed.
Sheree has learned from her mistakes – if she’s gonna be the “super awesome person” who puts people’s shit-talking on blast, she’ll do it in front of their faces! It’s merely a matter of customer service. Seriously, I live for Sheree’s little edicts about socially acceptable behavior and the way she scoffs, “Who does that?!” So She By SheHasNoTimeForNonsense just comes right out and tells Kim that the ladies were gossiping about Chris‘ being “fruity, or gay.”
We have to wait until next week to see how this plays out, including Kim’s reaction, but I predict fireworks – and not the celebratory kind!
(this is also the face I made when Sheree started spilling!)
BTW: Where is this CB Eyewear commercial airing? On the same network as Life Twirls On?
TELL US – WAS KENYA OUT OF LINE WITH HER COMMENTS ABOUT CHRIS? WERE YOU IMPRESSED WITH KIM’S DIRECTING SKILLS?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]