Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta is a cautionary tale of what happens when you love a man who is so, so wrong – from Sheree Whitfield writing a book about all the ways Bob has done her so, so wrong to Cynthia Bailey returning to Peter Thomas and realizing that leaving him was so, so right.
And then there is Kenya Moore.
On the other side of the spectrum, freed from the clutches of one felonious fool, Phaedra Parks is happily clutching her pearls while smirking the good fortune that has fallen into her lap. Or into her law office, rather, and it’s not a bomb threat this time. And Porsha Williams continues her travels backwards in maturity by sneaking her boyfriend into her mom’s house for a little late-night nookie (with Yoni balls).
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I really don’t understand how this genius works, but somehow Kenya and Cynthia were convinced to pay a dog groomer’s place, where you actually groom your own dog. The things rich-ish people do…
While her gladiator sandals are knee-deep in drippy dog, Kenya reveals that Peter invited her to host the grand opening of Club One, his newest establishment in Charlotte. Naturally, Kenya accepted without discussing it with Cynthia first, because BFF-dom. I’m shocked Kenya didn’t think this was something she should mention? But then again, many things she does shock me.
Ultimately, Kenya decides the thing to do is invite Cynthia as her +1, since her dad told her she’s not allowed to talk to Matt until he gets some help. Except Kenya told Peter it was OK to invite Matt to the opening, because she knows Matt “needs guy time” and doesn’t want his friendships with men 40 years his senior to fall apart. Yet, Kenya is worried because Matt is crazy, threatening, and unstable? Bros before psychos!
Peter pretends single life is treating him so well he can now afford a $159,000 Mercedes. Todd meets him at the dealership. He’s also invited to the opening of Club One. Peter purposefully left Cynthia off the guest list but invited her bestie so she’d hear through the grapevine that his life is so fabulous.
Kandi Burruss‘ house looks like a cheap Vegas lounge from the 70’s, which makes it the perfect place for sordid mafia-style drama. Kandi discovers that her ex-assistant, Johnny (who is also still her event planner), was trash-talking her loyalty on Instagram. Questioning Kandi’s loyalty seems to be a theme lately. She doesn’t get it, she’s tight and right in all the places it counts!
And on the subject of loyalty, Kandi is shocked Porsha isn’t being a friend to her in the battle with Phaedra. Kandi complains to Todd about the Taco Tuesday argument, a momentous occasion when Kandi was too upset to stay for tacos. As her shirt says: “First name: Hungry; Last name: Hungry;” however, what Kandi is really hungry for is some answers.
She finds them at her Bedroom Kandi convention, where Johnny was hired to do the event. While he’s coordinating the placement of vibrators, she confronts him about his Instagram comment. Johnny complains that it was Don Juan Disastero who fired him, not Kandi, and he expected at least a meeting with her to discuss the particulars. Furthermore, Johnny doesn’t think Kandi paid him enough. Kandi goes ahead and gives Johnny his personalized firing, with a Kandi Factory audience, when she screams that from this day forward he can expect not another cent from her Kandi Koated Koffers.
Johnny pretends to accept this, but then high-tails it to Phaedra Parks, Esq to inquire about a little lawsuit he thinks he may have against the Kandi Koated Kraziness. First, Johnny has some receipts. Second, he has with him proof that opening a restaurant was initially a venture he and Kandi planned together, until she went ahead and fired him, then started opening Old Lady Gang with Todd. Third, Kandi paid him peanuts on the dollar for his 80 hours of work per week.
Phaedra is so shocked – slavery ended 150 years ago yet Kandi’s “factory” hasn’t gotten the memo. Nonetheless, Phaedra does not take Johnny’s case, being it’s not her area of expertise. She recommends relevant attorneys then sends Johnny on his zoot-suited way.
Across town, Sheree, wearing her Mama Joyce wig and a mumu, meets with her editor to discuss her new novel, Wives, Fiancés, and Side-Chicks In Hotlanta, which is part tell-all/part fiction/part-autobiography. Sheree smirks that she’s positive it will piss some people off… cue to her meeting Bob at a parkour gym for some unconventional exercise. After Bob jumps off a foam cliff – literally – and injures his leg, Sheree tells him how the book she’s writing will expose all his cheating.
She By SheBroke needs the money after Bob stiffed her out of seven figures. Bob shadily snarks that he hopes she’ll have more follow-thru with her book than her other #SheBySheree ideas. Then he tries to suck up by carrying her out of the gym. And dropping her.
RELATED – Porsha Buys $1 Million Dollar ATL Home
Meanwhile, Porsha moves out of her rental, right back to where she came from: her mama’s house! After getting some sex tips from her mom (whipped cream!), she sneaks Todd (plus camera crew) over at 11 pm for some Go Naked time. Porsha wants to keep Todd hidden from her mom, so she shows him the Yoni ball, almost lights his crotch on fire, shoves whipped cream in his face, and then falls off the bed. Seduction – high school style! Yet, for the first time they’ve had sex in 10 years, it wasn’t so bad, right?!
Not so seductive are the texts Matt is sending Kenya. After Kenya told Peter to invite Matt to the Club One opening, she changed her mind – after
Bravo Peter bought the plane ticket – and had him cancel it. Which Matt didn’t find out until he got to the airport. Oh my, is Kenya messy – she invites Cynthia without telling Peter, then disinvites Matt without telling Matt.
Matt decides he’s going to drive to Charlotte from Atlanta to show up at Club One anyway. He warns Kenya over text that she better stop her manipulation and come to him humbly, which is sinister and threatening sounding. Kenya is so unnerved she decides to bail on the Club One opening and the job Peter hired her to do. Instead, Cynthia arrives “looking like an ice cream cone” (with the butt implant pads on her Spanx visible through her skintight dress) and surprises Peter with the news that Matt has gone crazy and Kenya is just gone. So they think…
While Peter again tries to woo Cynthia with the allusion of success, money, and confidence, she, unlike Kenya, has learned her lesson and won’t be double-dipping her cone in that chocolate drama.
Kenya wants to add sprinkles to her drama though! Kenya is like ‘Psyke! I’m here!’ and arrives at Club One at the exact moment Matt comes screeching into the parking lot. As he walks towards her car, “to talk,” she demands the driver keep this “dangerous” man away from her. Matt retaliates by punching the driver, then screeches away. Luckily, Peter and Todd are there to impose order – all 5 foot of them combined – and get Kenya safely into Club One to hear the tale of how her powerful intoxicating love has driven Matt to the brink of insanity. Outside, Peter and Todd call Matt, who claims Kenya is manipulative, won’t leave him alone, and is always begging him back then accusing him of being crazy. Matt asks Peter and Todd to tell Kenya to leave him alone.
Cynthia and Peter have one final moment together, counseling Kenya that it’s time to just let Matt go, and to remember the fondness they had for each other in her love of King and Twirl. As Peter walks Cynthia out at the end of the night, he pathetically invites her back to his apartment, but she looks down at him, towering above in her heels and topknot, and sadly shakes her head. Peter walks dejectedly alone, never to feel that juicy, juicy peach again.
TELL US – HAS KENYA FINALLY LEARNED HER LESSON WITH MATT? IS KANDI BEING SHADY WITH HER EX ASSISTANT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]