I think I can speak for the better part of The Real Housewives of New York viewing audience when I kindly request that they make the Tom D’Agostino storyline just STOP already. (Please? We will do anything – we will watch Sonja Morgan go in for vaginal rejuvenation number two! We will welcome Jill Zarin back with open arms! We will watch that friggin election party again – okay, too far.) Because when it comes to this dusty old Tom story, I have to channel Ramona Singer here and ask, are you kidding me? Are you KIDDING me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!
Alas, I regret to inform you that despite our better wishes, the ladies decide it’s still a wise idea to confront Luann de Lesseps about her upcoming nuptials to dear, openly-cheating Tom for the seven hundredth time. In this week’s installment of Are You Sure You Want To Be A Bride, Luann? Ramona leads the charge, with Bethenny Frankel throwing some tears and bizarre begging in for good measure. Then, Ramona and Bethenny go at it head to head in what may be the final round of their friendship. This all occurs after Ramona nearly literally turns herself into the cartoon character version of her former, batsh*t self. So, strap in!
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In the Berkshires, Luann has just heard Dorinda Medley’s concerns that are not really her concerns, but rather Ramona’s, Bethenny’s, and Carole Radziwill’s. Time for the ladies to enter the fray and confront Luann themselves now! Luann doesn’t want to hear it, now or ever, despite Ramona’s tearful plea that Luann doesn’t get blindsided as bad as she did with Mario. Bethenny doesn’t think Luann needs to explain herself anymore, but she would like to bring Tom’s past misdeeds to life. And she feels sensitive to Luann’s situation, given her own disaster of a relationship, which is still haunting her at every turn.
After Bethenny and Ramona tag team Luann to within an inch of her sanity, Ramona wails that she knows Luann’s relationship with Tom will only get worse if there’s a lack of trust! But here’s the thing: Luann does trust Tom, which probably means they have an understanding of sorts. “Tom and I are confident in who we are,” says Luann, who has no time to compare her world to anyone else’s. She wants someone to ski with, someone to go to Palm Beach with, and someone to scoop dog poop with. If Tom sticks his tongue down the occasional throat here and there, meh. Money can’t buy you monogamy! (It can buy you an auto-tuned track of nefarious fate, though.)
Deflated, the group disperses. They feel they’ve done their due diligence – or as Ramona says, “dil dulagence” – so they should just drop it. Sonja Morgan is the only one savvy enough (if you can believe it) to know that they’ve all been wasting their breath. She’s the straw that sucks that tea right back up into her loose lips! She also thinks she knows who the real Tom is, and if Luann wants him, she can have him. Bethenny chalks Tom’s dastardly doings up to being a “trick guy” who wasn’t that attractive in his younger days, so is trying to make up for lost time in his later years. Could be true. Or the UES women are just a tragically desperate bunch (present company included).
Tinsley Mortimer kind of relates to Luann, recalling the dramatic relationships she’s been party to over the years. She didn’t want to listen to good advice when it was coming at her from all angles, so why would Luann? A gal’s gotta make her own messy bed, then lie down in those dirty sheets.
Upstairs, Bethenny and Carole do what they do best: Isolate and talk about others. Carole wonders what magic Tom possesses to keep women crawling all over him? Bethenny surmises that his d*ck shoots diamonds. Well, maybe not. But his wallet does buy pretty sweet penthouses, dahhhhlings.
Downstairs, Sonja comforts Ramona. She dumbly chirps that Bethenny is acting fairly subdued toward Ramona, despite their epic cold war. Ramona’s like, Yeah? I plan to act super insane and weird soon, though. So don’t get too comfortable! She plans on apologizing to Bethenny by back-dooring her, which um, she might not know the meaning of. But, whatever! Bring on the antics. Until then, Tinsley prattles on to Bethenny about why she moved in with Sonja, and why she’s now regretting it. Short answer? Sonja is losing her ever loving mind. As we have witnessed for the past nine straight episodes.
After the ladies dress for dinner, they come down to a fire Carole makes with her bare hands and Dorinda’s doorstops – in a fireplace that doesn’t work. As the house fills with toxic smoke, Bethenny takes a moment to apologize for her abhorrent behavior toward Luann that happened last year in this very spot. Luann graciously accepts. And if this doesn’t win Luann the award for Most Resilient Housewife EVER, I don’t know what does.
Time for some projection! After a bit of chatter about Tinsley’s relationship history, Bethenny’s divorce comes up. She tells Carole, Luann, and Tinsley that she’s living in a “dungeon and a torture chamber,” and doesn’t see a way out. She feels like she’s holding on by a thread as the drama with her ex, Jason Hoppy, continues to spiral into the abyss. Luann tries to play the optimist, encouraging Bethenny that she has some fantastic stuff going on in her life, and she’ll get through this. But Bethenny swears she’ll never be done. “Just be smart because I’m in goddamn hell!” warns Bethenny, who finally just walks away from the group when Ramona and Sonja join the convo.
As Bethenny sobs in the next room, Luann comes in to check on her. She didn’t know the depth of Bethenny’s drama and didn’t mean to upset her. But Bethenny doesn’t want to go inward; she wants to turn this around on Luann, who she thinks is making a giant mistake. In tears, she tells Luann that she doesn’t have to go through with this marriage if she feels in her gut that something’s wrong. But Luann reassures her that she’s okay – it’s all good! She just wants Bethenny to be okay now too, hugging her in an attempt to comfort her one-time frenemy. Given the stalking charges and incessant email allegations that came to light over the past months, one can only assume that “okay” for Bethenny and Jason is a long, looooooong way off.
Right now, Luann just wants everyone to stop questioning Tom and her. Bethenny doesn’t think he’s a good bet, but she (sort of) agrees to take her money out of the pool. She wonders, though, if Luann would want to know if new Tom intel were to ever come into her hands again? No. Luann is getting married in two weeks, and she wants these b*tches in her rear view mirror. Even if she’s about to go crashing through the windshield.
In another room, mutual delusion is brewing. “We’re always in a good mood,” muses Sonja to Ramona, who agrees that they are the life of the party. They like to laugh, they like to eat cheese and fart in bed. They are the good time gals! They are also the perfectly paired in their insanity and a wicked part of me hopes they never, ever change.
As the group – sans Bethenny and Carole – gather ’round Dorinda’s roast chicken, they admire Ramona’s store bought boobs. Bethenny is upstairs dreading facing the boob that is Ramona, living in fear of their confrontation coming to a head soon. It will no doubt occur in this household, where all demons come to battle. Because try as she might to make it nice, Dorinda needs to plug some of those kitty pheromones into her outlets or remove the meth from everyone’s toothpaste in order to stall the drama that descends upon her Berkshires home time and again.
Ramona’s act is wearing thin as she praises Dorinda’s “succulent chicken!” and blouses all around. She’s so herky-jerky in her nervousness around Bethenny that she spills wine on Dorinda’s chair, then makes a crazy toast about Dorinda throwing a lovely party despite the sh*tshow of last year! Her gushing reaches new heights as she practically asks the chicken for its hand in marriage, she loves it so. And it’s all everyone can do to choke down their own chicken while watching her spazz out like a malfunctioning wind-up toy.
As Sonja silently wills Ramona to tone down the cray-cray, Bethenny’s annoyance is ramping up to a solid 7/10. Now is not a good time to approach The Bethenny in her dinner habitat. Alas, Ramona reads social cues about as well a my dog reads an iPad. So, she will approach…it’s only a matter of time
and more meds. But not before she offers a toast to Luann for a “long and happy life” with the man who Ramona’s been aggressively trashing for the past year. Then she decides not to clean up her plate. Because, as Bethenny remarks, “The world is her servant.”
Time for birthday cake! As the ladies indulge, Ramona creeps up on Bethenny’s shoulder. Quite literally draping herself over Bethenny, she wine-breath apologizes about bringing up the Bryn/porn thing. Bethenny’s response is akin to a person reacting to a tarantula crawling on one’s face. Stay still and hope you don’t have to kill or be killed.
After the umpteenth toast, Bethenny explains to poor, clueless Tinsley why no one but Dorinda is invited to Luann’s wedding. Short version: Everyone here has been a nasty so-and-so to Luann in the past, therefore Luann has banished them to nasty so-and-so land. Tinsley’s like, Um. Okay, thanks. This chick has NO idea what she has walked into. But she’s got pluck!
Queen of schmaltz, Ramona is finally called out on her amped up behavior. Which is like calling out the band KISS for putting on too much makeup – i.e., how can you tell when insane becomes insane-ER? As Sonja plays her air violin for Ramona’s speechifying, Ramona blathers on about how she’s in a “really good place” and loves her “really good girlfriends.” But one really good girlfriend here doesn’t want any part of this Ramona Renewal, 6.0.
But Ramona Renewal, she shall get! For Ramona is ready to make further amends with Bethenny, which looks sort of like amends coming at her like a wild beast rather than being calmly proffered by a human. The two sit down alone in the living room, where Bethenny admits she doesn’t want Ramona to walk on egg shells anymore. She does want to explain why she’s upset though. But Ramona and Ramona’s face of many varied expressions isn’t ready to hear it. She just wants to move forward.
The record scratches when Bethenny drops the next bombshell, though. “You have not been a good friend to me,” she deadpans. At this, Ramona’s head whips around exactly three times, swishing the Pinot out of her ears to see if she heard that right. “Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” freaks Ramona. There will be no moving forward from here. But we do have to wait until next week to see if Ramona’s eyes do indeed stay lodged in her skull for the remainder of the scene.
To be continued…
TELL US: ARE WE FINALLY DONE WITH THE TOM DRAMA? IS THIS THE END FOR RAMONA AND BETHENNY?
Photo Credit: Bravo