Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting food poisoning at a BBQ thrown by a person you cannot stand, but whose party you have to attend because they’re related to your significant other. Basically it was like all of Shannon Beador‘s Thanksgivings – saddled to David and his dour mother who possibly put Ex-Lax in the cranberries she pretended to make from scratch. But it wasn’t just the food that was poisoned last night – there were all sorts of hellish encounters, and no one’s saintly patience was tested more than Shannon’s! Oh Shannon – can we take you nowhere without an incident or scene? Recounting your Housewives history, the answer, thankfully, is NO!
There is probably no one who loves a Real Housewives “dinner from hell” more than I do. In fact, I quit throwing dinner parties because mine are never terrible enough. It’s probably because I don’t have enough psychic friends, or frenemies who despise each other, or friends going through terrible personal dramas they want to talk about on TV, but refuse to let anyone else discuss. No one has ever thrown a plate full of steak at me either. Maybe I should just give up dinner altogether. I should also probably avoid my friends’ children’s birthday parties because they’re just the usual kids running around and eating too much cake. No middle-aged women argue, storm off, or have histrionic meltdowns over semantics.
So that’s where we begin. Shannon is arguing with Lydia McLaughlin at a birthday party for a toddler. Who da toddler? Who throwin’ the tantrum?! Who needs a time out in a stretch limo (were there no town cars left in Orange County?!). Shannon, that’s who! Shannon who storms off, cussing and shrieking and sobbing into the waiting limo. Then recounting to David the litany of Lydia’s wrongs Shannon slightly embellishes. Slightly embellished like a Mini Cooper pretends to be a limo.
This fit is because Lydia suggested that Shannon could have some similarities to her arch-nemesis Vicki Gunvalson. Of course Lydia said this, saw Shannon’s megasaurus over-reaction, but wouldn’t let it go, egged on by Tamra Judge about just how horrible a thing that is to say! Lydia kept bringing it up; doin’ it and doin’ it again. Like a bad 90’s rap song, for a bad 90’s stretch limo, which was climbed into by two people who should’ve abandoned their relationship in the 90’s. Yeah, David was forced to abandon his Eddie time to follow Shannon out of yet another party she was fleeing in a rage. So, Lydia – FRIENDSHIP TERMINATED because Shannon is “F–king done!”
RELATED – Shannon & Tamra Complain About Lydia!
Shannon’s outburst has Lydia questioning how Tamra, a good christian woman, can be friends with the “mayor of crazy town.” Lydia isn’t surprised though, she was warned by Vicki, whom Shannon usurped as the mayor of crazy town, that the real Shannon was more lemons than lemonade.
In actual problems to panic about, Peggy Sulahian visits reconstructive plastic surgeon post-mastectomy. Her husband Diko is by her side, literally kissing her feet, as he gently helps her into her heels. Peggy explains that from the outside she has everything – her list of perfect begins with diamonds and ends with the healthy children, yet from the inside “every family has struggles and our struggle is … me.”
Diko talks over Peggy at the doctor’s office, deciding that the bigger size is inconvenient because he’d have to buy her a whole new wardrobe, still he wants Peggy to make sure she’s comfortable, so she should test out the larger implants. When Peggy finally speaks for Peggy, she is emotional and indecisive. And when Peggy isn’t in the room, Diko sweetly calls her the “sexiest woman alive with or without breasts” and his soulmate. I can’t decide if I like Diko or not, but since he’s not my soulmate I don’t really have to know.
Lydia and Doug are still playing Nobleman. While Lydia is freaking out about the magazine launch, Tamra calls to see if Lydia is still on for Round 2 of The Battling Beador. Tamra explains Shannon as merely “expressive” and her expressiveness goes to 11 when she’s compared to the lying, scheming, sociopath the is Vicki Satonson. Or something – something that looks and sounds more like crazy to Lydia.
In the middle of her conversation with Tamra, Lydia instinctively picks up an enormous knife that just happens to be sitting on the table and starts waving it around. Foreshadowing? Instinctive omens? Jesus saves, y’all!
Tamra, who is playing with her mysterious guinea pig, calls Shannon “The Expressive” to beg her to give Lydia another chance. Shannon isn’t sure she can trust this Lydia, but decides she could use a good dinner. Especially after her harrowing experience with Dr. Tim. OOOOhboy! First of all I think I love Dr. Tim – he’s so no nonsense.
Shannon visits her trainer/nutritionist, who makes her face the cold hard facts about her weight gain. The numbers don’t lie – Shannon has gained 40lbs and her BMI is up to 40% – which could mean serious health problems. Serious health problems other than the occupational hazard of dealing with Vicki!
Dr. Tim doesn’t want anymore excuses or cocktails in Shannon’s mouth. Shannon cries that she can’t tell David about her weight. “While David has been getting fit, I’ve been getting fat!” she moans. Shannon does realize that despite having creepy eyes, David’s apparently can still take in sights. Yes, even her. It’s not like if she doesn’t see herself we can’t see her.
Meanwhile Vicki is building an empire of Coto Insurance with the intent to take over the WORLD. Like Star Wars, Vicki with her old face artfully covered in a mask of plastic surgery is obviously Darth Vader. In this new office Vicki demands state-of-the-art security because a former employee was caught embezzling. Vicki is just too trusting and she’s been burned to a crisp being Saint Vicktims of the Orange Groves, burned, charred, and raked over the coals by Brooks and Tamra and everyone else she’s ever loved. No good deed goes unpunished, right?!
Speaking of the good deeds, Kelly Dodd smacks Michael in the head while wearing a “Sorry Haters” hat. Also, why did we get a weird scene of Tamra nervously feeding a pet guinea pig that she compared to Eddie. Mmmmm…
Before dinner at a restaurant called The Quiet Woman, Lydia does due diligence in the back-stabbing friend department by getting drinks with Vicki and meeting Kelly. Keep your frenemies close, and your other frenemies closer? Seriously, though choose a frenemy side! Lydia is playing a dangerous game. Strangely they’re all wearing sparkly headbands that say “party.” After telling them how badly her meeting went with Shannon, Lydia decides it’s a super great idea to invite Kelly to dinner with Shannon and Tamra the following night. Apparently Lydia only invited Kelly because the restaurant Tamra chose (or was it Lydia?) is across the street from Kelly’s house?
Tamra is too busy petting guinea pigs to realize the errors of her ways.
Meghan King Edwards is never happy. Jimmy Dad Jeans has to go out of town for work and being a single mommy is so haaaaard. And her house is too biiiiiig. It’s so hard to be Meghan, the girl who had everything but didn’t like it. Meghan Drew is probably starting to get bored enough to start investigating the mystery of what’s wrong with Shannon Beador! And, a side case: what is up with Lydia – is Jesus really her homeboy?!
Peggy picks up Lydia, and they speed over to The Quiet Woman in Peggy’s fancy car. On the way, Peggy completely takes her eyes off the road so Lydia can FaceTime Kelly to see if she’s coming. Kelly is not – she’s on a boat. Why is Lydia being so messy? Why invite Kelly, and not tell Tamra or Shannon. That is just all kinds of weird!
Lydia claims she just wants everyone to make peace. Uh-huh. Funnily enough, Tamra also says that about herself. While she and Shannon are headed to dinner, Shannon tells Tamra about there meeting with Dr. Tim, then declares that tonight will be her “last hurrah” of binging and boozing. Tamra looks doubtful.
Lydia seems afraid of Shannon and insists Peggy, the woman recovering from surgery, sit next to her at dinner. Shannon doesn’t “get” Peggy’s humor. Peggy doesn’t get why Shannon invested all her energy into a non-toxic house (while her marriage got toxic as hell). Then Shannon decides she’ll just order the most fattening thing on the menu, while Tamra tries to steer her towards the boring food. After order, Shannon heads to the bathroom where she runs smack-dab into Kelly Dodd! SURPRISE! Or Punk’d!
Lydia pretends she has no idea what’s going on. Saton is confusing! Kelly pretends she had no idea they’d been there. And strangely Shannon starts confiding in Kelly about her weight gain. Immediately after that they start arguing about, um, well I’m not sure what, something about “everybody has problems.” It gave me serious flashbacks to high school bathroom bitchiness.
In the middle of their shrieking Lydia, in her figure skating costume of a dress, barges in to insist Kelly and Shannon “hug it out!” Kelly would rather take a piss out of Shannon and flees the bathroom. So what’s a girl to do but pray over Shannon?! Lydia prays that Shannon finds solace in the white fish and steamed veggies, like Tamra does, and abandon the sirloin for more appropriate choices. Abandon food Shannon will when she finds Kelly seated at her table, next to Tamra, who is attempting to take a hint from Jesus and kill Kelly with kindness.
I have no idea what Kelly and Shannon were even fighting about (Kelly’s bladder problems stealing the bathroom from Shannon’s weight problems or something? Or Shannon always being upset about nothing). Shannon suddenly was flipping Kelly off, then Kelly grossly suggested Shannon take hormones for her weight, so Shannon kicked Kelly out of their table for being a “f–king bitch.” As Kelly was leaving she told Shannon to “keep eating.” So Shannon FLUNG a plate full of food – literally threw it across the table – and screamed “THAT’S NOT MY PLATE F–king BITCH!” You guys, Shannon was NOT eating rice and fried food! She was eating the WHITE FISH! #DontTellDavid
Then Shannon, in tears, stormed out with Tamra, and passed Kelly who was laughing hysterically! I actually think the manager kicked Shannon out for being a rowdy, menacing ruckus, or abusing food. Did Lydia lace Shannon’s food with amphetamines?! Or does Kelly just have that effect on people?
Lydia complains that she’s “soooooo embarrassed” as she gathers herself to go and says goodbye to Peggy. She complains that Shannon and Kelly are making her look bad. Lydia pretends to be so innocent. But Lydia, like Britney Spears circa 2000, you are not that innocent. We know you’ve taken off your denim romper to do the dirty with Timberlake while pretending to be virginal and pure. Luckily it seems like Peggy isn’t buying what Sparkle Lips is selling.
Outside, quarantined over fear her crazy would infect the other guests, Shannon cries into Tamra’s lap that Kelly and her Ding-Dongs got the best of her. Tamra decides Kelly should shut her mouth by eating sweaty balls. Which Shannon imagines might taste good doused in a little butter and salt, sprinkled with sugar, and washed down with a big vodka soda. Especially if those balls belong to David.
But seriously – Shannon Beador is pretty much amazing TV. Right after she goes to Dr. Tim and bawls about how food has become her enemy, she finds herself in the same room with her other enemy: Kelly Dodd. And two wrongs don’t make a right! No Shannon Beador does not like Kelly Dodd or steak. She does not like them in her mouth. She does not like them in her friend circle. She will not eat them in a bathroom. She will not eat them in a booth. She does not like Kelly Dodd and steak. She does not, will not, cannot, could not – she will not try it in a foreign country. She will not try them in front of new company. She will not like them. Not here, not there, not anywhere. And when you’re trying to lose weight, maybe it’s best to eat dinner with those you hate because you lose your appetite and toss the whole dinner across the table. And yes, Tamra deserved to be spattered with full-fat meat juice. Maybe that’s like baptism by sataon or something!
Also, Kelly OMG. I have no words for her meanness. Or her maddeningly unkempt hair, hanging limp and sad, into her eyes as she cackled menacingly like a community theater version of The Joker. She ain’t only got bladder problems!
TELL US – WAS SHANNON OUT OF CONTROL, OR DID KELLY EGG HER ON? LYDIA: FRIENDSHIP WHISPERER OR SHIT-STIRRER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]