Shannon Beador is on a rampage and she is savagely ripping the meat from the bones of Real Housewives Of Orange County. Any housewife who dares try to get in Shannon’s way better come prepared with white gloves to treat her fragile ego, and proper cutlery to carve though the drama. Shannon has bared her soul, her heart, and now her midriff on this show and she has worked too hard recapturing David to watch it all get flushed down the toilet sitting in her relationship corner, dammit!
And yes, there’s a toilet in Shannon’s relationship corner according to her Feng Shui expert! I think that’s Vicki Gunvalson‘s fault though. After all, Vicki put Shannon’s relationship in the crapper with her lies about David. Now all Shannon’s relationships are draining away (even the relationships she hasn’t formed yet). Shannon’s relationship with vodka seems in tact, though.
Can you imagine Shannon on like an HGTV show? She’d bring her Feng shui expert with her to tour the homes and instead of asking about granite countertop, she’d be all Oh… is that a TOILET in the relationship corner. Can I remove it completely and instead use a port-a-potty in the backyard? What will the HOA allow?
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Seriously I need to get a job as a Feng shui expert. I’ll just wander around people’s houses gasping, and saying, TV remotes – those are female hand-held appliances and TVs are male appliances so when they’re not in the same room together things don’t turn on as they should! SHOWERS… OMG – those rinse away positive cat hair vacuums which means you’ll never find true love! OMG… why is there Tupperware in your cosmic center drawer?! All your happy memories are just getting crammed into a BPA box getting smothered – did you know I do kitchen renos too? Also, “Fans are psychic blenders.” (which is actually a REAL thing Shannon’s Feng shui lady said!)
Anyway. it seems like Shannon’s appliances are making a lot more love than she is…
Over at Coto Insurance, moving is a non-stop stress and that is not Shannon’s fault. Vicki warned Steve that he may want to take a break from their relationship during the move. Steve, my friend, run for the hills… and don’t leave a forwarding address just in case Vicki manages to find the Coto stamps and stationary. Vicki is not doing Feng shui.
So Linda, Vicki’s office manager – omg her entire look is like Tamra Judge of the future, amirite?! The hair… the nails… the jewelry… the blouses. It’s like I found one of Dr. Moon’s crystal balls, googled Tamra Judge Future and Linda popped out!
Meghan King Edmonds is still all about baby, baby, baby, baby!!!!!!!! But for someone as all about baby as Meghan claims to be, she has nothing to say about motherhood except. “OMG it’s like SOOOO hard. Like I never knew having a baby at 16 would like ruin my life and I wouldn’t get to stay out all night at prom! I thought it would like totes be no big deal and he would like still love me.” In other news Jimmy Dad Jeans is still ignoring Meghan.
Lydia McLaughlin‘s relationship corner is obviously filled with rainbow sprinkles. She and Doug have launched a new magazine called Nobleman.
Nobelman is focused on men – men who are on top of their game. Cause there’s totally NOT enough focus on men doing men things in this world, but rock on sparkles McGee 1 & 2 – or should I say 49 & 51%. Through Lydia and the Nobleman, we are introduced to Peggy Sulahian, because Peggy’s husband is a Nobleman who owns a sports car company called Giovanna Wheels.
Doug, noble denizen of tact and empathy, describes Peggy by her recent health issues and warns Lydia, ‘She just recently had surgery. Like not surgery like Vicki’s ex-boyfriend claimed to have had – like real surgery. So I don’t think you should hug her or be your usual Carebear Overbear-ing self.’ And Lydia was like, but… I don’t know how to be a human if I can’t compulsively shine my sparkle heart in your face. I am the person equivalent of feng shui!
After Lydia straight up asks, Peggy is forced to reveal that she had a double-mastectomy. Her mother died from cancer at 51 and a recent biopsy discovered the Peggy had cancerous cells. Lydia decides the perfect way to help Peggy recover from her harrowing ordeal is to have her meet some of the most toxic people she knows. OMG Lydia… Sometimes it’s best when you say nothing at all!
It’s hard to say anything snarky about Peggy after that intro, but seriously RHOC – MORE CANCER?! This is just another way to drag out the ‘Did you know Vicki faked cancer?’ storyline. I 100% think it’s awesome that Peggy is sharing her [real] cancer story, but this is making me give Bravo the side-eye.
Anyway, Peggy lives the quintessential OC lifestyle in the quintessential OC McMansion where everything is always perfectly, predictably the samely perfect. She is Armenian but has lived in the OC for 10 years. Peggy admits that sometimes, her English, well it doesn’t quite come out the way she wants it to. A common Housewife affliction that spans no language barriers actually! Peggy and her husband Diko have been married for 21-years; he started his business with $500 and turned it into an empire. “My husband loves cars. He changes cars like he changes his underwear,” Peggy qualifies. “I don’t know how many cars we have…” [Hint: a lot. And none of them are leased, which is important. Cause materialism means success].
Despite the fact that Diko handed his wife $200k of diamonds over lunch in front of guests, appearances actually aren’t everything to Peggy. Her life may look perfect and shiny and sparkly, but it’s not. The diamonds were Diko’s thank you to god for bringing his wife through her surgery. “My lifestyle is extravagant,” Peggy shrugs, “but we did work very hard for it. It sure doesn’t suck to be me now, does it?!” It’s all relative, uh?
Tamra wants to throw her granddaughter Ava a birthday party at some safari bar. Cause toddlers+ tigers+tipsy parents is like totally safe. It’s only slightly less safe than being around Ryan and Sarah as they bicker and snipe at each other.
Of course Ava’s birthday is really about TAMRA. Pre-party, over beers, Tamra questions Sarah about why Briana was invited. Tamra is distressed, but she can no longer have Briana in her life. “I cut ties with Briana. I know it’s probably really immature of me, but I unfriended Briana on social media becasue I don’t want to see Vicki’s face,” explains Tamra. Which is why Tamra stayed on a reality show that started (and will end) with some variation of Vicki’s face.
It also doesn’t matter to Tamra that Briana is a mother of two small children close in age to Ava, and just moved to Orange County, because Tamra only cares about who will let her be prettiest princess and who won’t take all the good Barbie accessories, and who Tamra won’t feel like pushing off the playground. And we know Tamra doesn’t play well with others.
Kelly Dodd has like 20 oranges in a bowl and at least a few of them are rotten! Kelly and Michael are trying to work on their relationship by going to the gym together, but it’s not working out (pun intended). On the way Michael actually almost crashes the car. So many bad omens! Kelly admits she can only tolerate 3 days a week of sweating with Michael’s oldies, then it’s like time for the Shannon Beador Cure of dunking those 9 lemons away in a vat of vodka. More potent Feng shui that way!
Speaking of Shannon, Sophie is going to Winter Formal in a dress quite short, which means it’s time for an overbearing etiquette lesson from Mummie Dearest! Shannon’s daughters are attending cotillion classes like this is the land of Thomas Ravenels, and Shannon hopes Winter Formal will be a time to practice the eye contact, meaningful conversation, and white gloves packed in back pockets (do gowns come with those now?).
For some reason Shannon was taking the Kim Richards approach to sending daughters off to dances by preparing a full feast. Except Shannon burned the crostini. Now David definitely won’t love her – and it’s all white bread’s fault for being so boring, yet sensitive, and flavorless, and flipping BAD FOR YOU, dammit! After the stress forced her to sample some of said white bread, Shannon kind of fell apart. She was screeching across the lawn about how handsome Sophie’s date was while swinging a vodka soda, all while wearing these terrible leather pants like she’s part of a Heart cover band, crying into cheese and being admonished by David about her diet… Oh Shannon. I think there’s a toilet in you self-esteem corner too.
Well, poor Ava certainly got the 2nd birthday party to remember from the world’s most selfless grandma! Thankfully it wasn’t at that tiger place, and it was super cute with balloons, sparkle, glitter, cotton candy, and unicorns everywhere. Basically inside Lydia’s brain. Which is why Lydia telepathically navigated there, on her magical carpet, fairy wand sharpened to a point, ready to slay demons of Housewives past. Or at least Lydia believed she was on some sort of good vs evil mission impossible.
Did it seem to anyone else like there was two separate parties happening? One for the kids which featured, you know, kid stuff, and the other for Tamra, who thought Ava was 2 going on 22? I’m surprised Tamra didn’t have a unicorn horn beer bong! #Class
Briana decided to go because she feels it’s time for Tamra and Vicki to work through their feelings – again. Has Briana been sipping on Lydia’s delusion-ocktail? Briana had a plan to try and make amends, but Tamra completely ignored her until Briana matured-up and left. Cause Tamra can smear all the Jesus glitter she wants on the heart chakras in her low-cut blouse, but she’s still the same old untamed beast! Unfortunately Lydia, high on unicorn love, didn’t get the memo to not play in the rainbow muck. Instead she tried to use her magic wand to stir Shannon’s drink. No, Lydia, Shannon does not want to hear the truth, that’s why she spends all her time Feng Shui experts and Dr. Moon! That truth is that sometimes Vicki and Shannon are kinda similar. Record scratch!
Shannon and Lydia may have gotten along like eyeballs staring at the sun, but Lydia’s mom Judy and Shannon are soulmates from another galaxy. Judy compliments Shannon’s “bright spirit”, and Shannon is all ‘DAVID! DAAAAVID! Get over here and see this! SEE THIS – it’s my bright spirit! SEE – some people love me. They get me!’ Unfortunately David was busy eating hot dogs with Eddie.
Cake must be Lydia’s truth serum or something, because she then decided to inform Shannon and Tamra that they are acting just as twatty as Vicki with their allegations, accusations, and crap talking. Get it straight – Lydia, a toddler’s birthday party is for spreading glitter on your cleavage and guzzling champagne while screeching YAAAAAY, not for hard-knocks life lessons and crap-starting. Predictably Shannon freaks – being told that she and Vicki have anything in common but a TV show is the fastest way to get on Shannon’s voodoo list! She is NOT like Vicki Gunvalson! NOPE! And she gained 40lbs trying to escape the lies Vicki spread… to her midsection? Are there cookies in Shannon’s reality check corner?
“I’m telling you: I’m not like Vicki,” Shannon yells in Lydia’s face. Just in time Prince Charming Doug rides over on his white unicorn to save his fair princess from the “evil witch.” Hey – those were Lydia’s words, not mine! Then Lydia trots off for conference with Judy, who gushes about how similar she and Shannon are until Lydia reveals that Shannon yelled at her, which Judy understands because Shannon is actually a “lost soul.”
As Lydia was leaving, Tamra tried to defend Shannon’s initial outburst which only led to a bigger outburst about how Shannon is nothing – NOTHING! – like Vicki Gunvalson. Lydia is like Whoooooa – who knew being honest was such an occupational hazard?, and predicts that she and Shannon will not be getting along ever because Shannon is so defensive and like, not on Lydia’s cloud. How dare Lydia tell Shannon what Shannon doesn’t want to hear?! Nobody puts Shannon in a corner with the bad Feng shui, so Shannon storms off.
I so don’t get what Lydia’s motive was here, and while I think Shannon needs to be told whats-what, as does Tamra – lady you need a cotillion course in party manners because that was not the appropriate time, nor place!
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]