Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County newbie Peggy Sulahian demonstrated that she doesn’t have to be your mother to be your muva! If you left your manners in the car when you came to her event, Peggy will surely get out the bar of scented soap you sell in your pop-up boutique to wash your mouth out. Peggy certainly taught Meghan Edmonds that children should be seen and not heard! Exactly Meg, just stand there and look all ‘I’ve never had a baby and look at my chessboard inspired dress, cause I’m like smart! And on quest for TRUTH! Justice!”
But first there’s Tamra Judge, who got judged by a parrot that called her “old” as she walked into a restaurant to meet a baby looking like an escapee from a biker bar. How could anyone even see Aspen underneath the giant bow that ate the baby’s face!? I hope that’s not catching…
Shannon Beador ordered tequila on the rocks… with lunch. Cause it’s “light.” I thought vodka was the light alcohol – at least that’s what ‘old Shannon’ told us. But, ummmmm… Ain’t it a little early in the day for whoop it up juice?! And in front of the children… Oh Shannypannts – no boo-boo. As Tamra so eloquently shared, “Alcohol is the enemy if you’re trying to lose weight.” Hilariously Meghan pretends she hasn’t noticed Shannon’s weight gain, but just in case Shannon tells her that it’s all Vicki’s fault. Those damn allegations again!
Here’s the thing about Meghan – she goes on a tangent about how she doesn’t know how it’s humanly or animally possible to parent without full-time nannies, and sounds so dumb, but then the very next breath she surprises you by saying something completely insightful. Like Vicki Gunvalson did not personally collect 40lbs of lard and fat cells and glue them onto Shannon’s hips, and clearly there’s something else going on… like perhaps Shannon’s marriage isn’t all it’s vow renewaled up to be!
But bigger, better, bitter, right, cause Shannon and Tamra will have to face their fears of Vicki to attend Meghan’s Sip and See. Why are these events now? Why is Vicki now mysteriously invited? Shanra decide they must rally and go to protect Aspen from anything Vicki might do or say… anything worse than bows bigger than her head?
Meanwhile Lydia McLaughlin is ruining a perfectly good trip to Hawaii by forcing everyone to have awkward conversations about sex. Where is Peggy to pinch Lydia’s lips shut? Lydia is so embarrassing the sand should open up and swallow up her, and all her magical God-centered sexy times. Why on earth would you try to have a discussion about sex with your 8-yer-old on camera after you overheard him saying the phrase “sexy lady.”
There on the sandy beaches, Lydia treated poor Stirling to a PSA from Jesus about the Adams & The Eves. Unfortunately there was no commercial break for Darwin and his reality check.
Since Lydia is Christian (did you know?) it’s her responsibility to whip open her blinged-out bible, and scroll over to Fornicationists, Verse I’m Mentally 14 to review the passage about how Jesus created sex. It says: “Jesus loves sex. Like he made it and I think that it’s great!” Obviously since the Bible is open to interpretation Lydia realizes there’s a glitch in her philosophizing because Jesus actually wasn’t married, and therefore would never have been like doing the dirty. That’s only for Lydia and Doug. Who dig each other. A LOT.
Basically God-centric sex ed says you shouldn’t do it until you’re married, and then it’s something done only in private. Yes, Lydia, PRIVATE.
Lydia’s awkward sex talks continue when she tells Doug to cut his balls off over cocktails because she’s done repopulating the earth in Jesus’ image. So that’s something special!
Peggy is also celebrating special somethings: her daughter being accepted to college, and Lamborghini giving Peggy her very own custom-designed new model. Which calls for an event. Which means the notorious Housewives rite of passage known as the speakerphone-vitation. Getting the lucky first call was Shannon. Diko wanted to overhear some crazy for dessert.
Peggy isn’t sure she trusts Shannon around luxury automobiles or her husband’s clients. After all, Shannon might throw a rim at someone thinking they’re accusing her of trying to eat chicken wings off it. Luckily Shannon declines the invitation because Vicki and Kelly will be there, and as you know Vicki made those allegations which Shannon reminds Peggy of again. And Again. And Again. Even as Peggy is like I SO DON’T NEED TO HEAR THIS AGAIN. OK… I”M HANGING UP NOW…!
Kelly Dodd has old people problems, and peer people problems, and really all people problems – because Kelly is the problem. Her problem with Michael is the same problem Kelly has with her mom. They both just want to stay home and not hang out with anyone. “I literally married my mother!” complains Kelly about her mom and Michael’s hermit lifestyles. And Sigmund Freud is rising from his grave just to take on this case study!
Because she needs to get one of them out of the house, Kelly drags her mom to a senior center where Kelly morphs into a teenager. Kelly’s mom doesn’t want to be an active senior – she wants to sit at home and eat bonbons and sulkily yells at Kelly to leave her alone. In front of the director, the world’s most mature forever young person, Kelly gets in an argument with Bobbi about who nags and micromanages whom.
Kelly believes all people age like Benjamin Button and the kids become the parents someday. It’s Kelly’s duty to save her mother’s social life. So, Kelly wants her mom to find geriatric love so Kelly can finally grow up and become a real live mature person? Babysteps!
Vicki got out her Rolodex of Hallmark cards to locate words of wisdom for telling Michael he better not knock up his girlfriend without a contract. Vicki dodged a bullet named Brooks and must protect her money, so Michael gets the world’s most overdue sex-ed chat which involves something about comparing his penis to a sneaker. Um…
Michael is now VP of Coto Insurance, and Vicki’s “legacy plan” so she she can turn into Kelly’s mother. In the aftermath of Brooks (or Vicki 2.0, AB: After Brooks) she is taking precautions and wrapping shit up. Vicki is done feeling that burning sensation in uncomfortable places. Oh stop your dirty minds! I mean Vicki is done getting her heart and bank account burned and is “nupping everything.” I’m surprised Vicki didn’t get on YouTube to find a demonstration for how to put a condom on a banana and declare that Michal had to watch it per an HR memo about workplace safety.
Meghan’s nanny can’t dress Aspen (re: giant infant-head-consuming bow) and she can’t dress Meghan (re: Franken-outfits such as off-the-shoulder t-shirt sprouting business sleeves). Or I don’t know… maybe it’s Meghan who can never make up her mind about what she wants to be: third trophy wife? party girl? Hashtagcoolstepmom? Cancer crusader? Truth and Justice Warrior? Candle entrepreneur? Mommy? Baby? I mean… Meghan… my head is spinning from all your activities!
Meghan thought she wanted candles; but then she wanted a baby; then she got a baby and realized she really wants a nanny and Jimmy, not candles or motherhood. And where in the world is Jimmy Dad Jeans, who pays for the full-time nanny so Meghan stay home to complain that sniffing candles is too much work for mommies. Now I think Meghan wants Jimmy to just be the full-time nanny?
Kelly’s quest to prove she’s a grown up continues by making amends with Shannon and Tamra. After starting all the fights, Kelly has decided she doesn’t want to do the fights anyone, so it’s time to just move on. Except Shannon and moving on, are like Tamra and the truth, aka not copacetic. Kelly decides it will be easier to use Stockholm-Tamra to weasel her way into Shannon’s good gravy. “My plan is to out-puppet the new puppet master,” Kelly explains. Basically Tamra will be more receptive to Kelly’s fake apologies, and Tamra runs Shannon like she’s a treadmill.
Kelly invites Tamra to coffee to talk about all the bad blood. Meanwhile Shannon is sitting at home waiting for an apology while practicing her plate toss. That’s Tamra’s plan – to have Kelly’s redemption tour spiral into an apology to Shannon, ostracizing Vicki in the process. Well at least that’s what I think…
Tamra and Kelly ultimately decide they’re too much alike to hate each because that would be like despising your self for reflecting back on you. Like they’re soulhates, instead of soulmates. Or something. A philosopher I am not! I just know that when you bond over loose bladders and that time you got so pissed at said soulhate you peed your WHITE pants, you’re probably better as frienemies than enemies. Which is kind of like peeing your pants on your frienemy’s bed during her bachelorette trip, right? I dunno… there’s just entirely too much prissiness going on at RHOC. Does this show have a contract with Lisa Rinna’s Depends?
Meghan attends Peggy’s Lamborghini event wearing a Star Trek costume. Then Lydia gets lost in another galaxy about the bounds of age, marriage, and the medical phenomena called vasectomy. Jesus must be a terrible anatomy teacher, or Lydia wasn’t at Sunday school the day they went over male balls and sexy ladies. Peggy was rightfully confused by Lydia’s cobbled description of Doug getting his balls cut off.
Then out rolls Peggy’s latest baby… a bright yellow Lambo with a horn that blasts “I’m so f–king rich! Screw you!” That was a customizable feature according to Meghan, who as we know: knows everything. She especially knows Peggy is just advertising how rich she is with that ostentatious car. Or Peggy is advertising Diko’s success…
Shannon and Tamra skipped the event and hung out together. Tamra dishes on koffee with Kelly and encourages Shannon to meet with her. Shannon will do it only if Tamra goes along, and attends the sip & see – even though Vicki is also attending.
Shannon and Tamra decide to be accountability buddies. Tamra vows to help keep Shannon in line around Kelly and in exchange Shannon will hold Tamra down when Vicki makes her “see red.” Naively they both think nothing bad could possibly happen at a baby event.
Back at the Lambo event, as illustrated by her turtleneck, Meghan cannot help but stick her neck into Vicki and Shannon’s problems, and she came prepared with a heartwarming lecture about the spiritual release of pure apologies. Now we all know Vicktim doesn’t like to hear anything which contradicts her version of truth, but honestly why does Meghan believes she’s the foremost authority on everything?! Who wants to listen to that! Nobody needs her abridged Chicken Soup For The Teenaged Soul peer mediation mumbo-jumbo. And no one cared less than Peggy, who simply reached over, calm as ever, and pinched Meghan’s lips shut with a bit of Armenian tough love.
Yes, Meghan, just. for. once. listen to your elders and zip IT. Jim has tried to tell her; now Peggy, but Meghan just will not get off her Meghan Home scented soapbox. I don’t think Peggy was right to literally grab Meghan’s lips, cause holy boundaries batman, and maybe Vicki was telepathically communicating with Peggy to shut Meghan up, but sometimes Meghan does need to bite on her tongue, and save the beeswax for her candles.
TELL US – WAS PEGGY WRONG TO GRAB MEGHAN’S MOUTH? WAS KELLY’S APOLOGY TO TAMRA SINCERE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]