After what felt like an unusually long charter season on Below Deck Mediterranean, we have finally arrived at tonight’s finale. Between all the hook ups, shifting friendship alliances and overdramatic fights, it’s hard to remember what the dynamic was even like at the start of the season. But one relationship we couldn’t forget (since it dragged out over every single episode) was the love triangle between Chef Adam Glick, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton and Deckhand/Heartbreaker of the High Seas Malia White. And in case you thought the day would never come, it’s judgement day for Malia. Well, sort of. I have news for all of you Malia haters out there – you might be disappointed at the end of this.
Try as he might, Adam is unable to get Wiz-Golly-Shucks-I-Really-Like-The-Girl to truly give a damn that he is being played like a Croatian fiddle by Malia. I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a Croatian fiddle but if there is, Wiz is being played like one. Adam has not only prepared his speech to Wiz but he also did some “cross referencing” of dates, texts and locations of Malia’s tongue so that he could be fully present all of the evidence to Wiz to make sure he does not befall the same fate as Adam’s poor little broken grown-man heart. I mean, really, does Adam just have the worst case of being a sore loser or what? Well, maybe not the worst, as you’re about to see with The Milkshake Man later this episode, but Adam is close.
Anyway, Adam presents Wiz with his mental trapper keeper full of all the ways that Malia has been playing them but he forgot one crucial piece of this whole barf-worthy puzzle: Wiz doesn’t care. He has Malia so what does it matter to him? And it doesn’t since Wiz responds with saying that they just need to get through the next 12 hours of their final charter. Sure, he’s confused but has confused every stopped you from making out with someone you like? You guys don’t have to answer that.
Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier got a self-important earful of her own last week when Christine “Bugsy” Drake, the Second Stew who just cannot Second Stew, accused her of not pulling her own weight on board. Hannah isn’t about to take her work ethic being questioned so she decides to show Bugsy what it’s like to WERK.
The Milkshake Man requests that someone from the crew accompany his harem of women shopping so they can spend all that money that’s been burning a hole in their shorty-short pockets. The Sirocco has just the man for the job: Bobby Giancola. 100 spritzes of Axe body spray and a quick blow out later, an excited Bobby is ready to accompany six beautiful women out shopping. But Bobby must have inhaled too much of his body spray because he actually thought this would be a fun task and it’s anything but. It doesn’t take long for him to turn into a professional purse holder/cat herder with all six women taking off in different directions anytime they see anything shiny.
Not good news for Bobby since Milkshake Man gave specific orders to have them all back for dinner and boy, this guy is hangry back on the boat. He whines about how he wants to start dinner and when the girls slowly arrive back, he barks at them about where they were and what took them so long. Uh oh,
Sugar Daddy is not happy, especially when two don’t even make it back. The girls who did get peppered with questions about what they like about Bobby and they certainly don’t help matters by saying how much they love the big goon.
It’s starting to dawn on Milkshake Man that even paying for women can’t stop them from enjoying the company of a tattooed deckhand willing to carry their purse and this doesn’t bode well with him. No amount of milkshakes will solve this and Milkshake Man demands to speak with Captain Sandy Yawn and orders the harem to not comment, leaving them to pout over their plates of food. Captain Sandy arrives and Milkshake Man unleashes his midlife crisis/even money can’t get you laid frustrations about how Bobby is stealing all of his Sugar Daddy thunder. He was willing to look the other way when Bobby took Escort #4 Paola out for a jet ski ride but what he won’t stand for is leaving two women he paid good money for behind at port. Captain Sandy smiles through gritted teeth as Milkshakes demands Bobby be put on anchor watch and not be allowed to come out with him and the rest of the crew tonight.
Paola decides to take a stand and stay behind on her own accord since she finds out Bobby isn’t allowed to come out with them. She may be hot, but she isn’t smart and Milkshakes decides he’s going to fix these two star-crossed lovers once and for all. He pulls Bobby aside and like a true dad would, he tells him how disappointed he is in him because you know, Bobby doesn’t know if Milkshakes or his other friend were
paying for sex interested in Paola and that crossed the line. Even in the world of escorts, Bro Code is to be taken seriously, I guess. But wait, wasn’t Milkshakes the one who tried to push the set up between Bobby and Paola after Bobby said they were matched on Tinder? Bobby is understandably confused but while Milkshakes may be an insecure creep, he’s no dummy and he tells Bobby to get dressed and come out with them because that way, Bobby won’t be left alone on the boat with Paola. Bobby is pissed but has no choice to go along with it. He seriously miscalculated his little friendship with Jerry and learns that a Tinder connection won’t override the guy who paid for said Tinder connection’s trip to Croatia.
They all head out to the club and Hannah is in full work mode, wrangling the harem, plus Milkshakes and his other pimp. At the club, Hannah arranges for Milkshakes to replace one of the cage dancers and he thinks he will continue to humiliate Bobby by making him join him in another one. Little does he know, this is the moment Bobby has been preparing for his whole life and Bobby wastes no time ripping his shirt off and busting out his best stripper moves, putting Milkshake Man’s over-the-hill dance moves to shame.
As the night winds down, they all arrive back at the boat at 3 AM and Bobby is ordered to bring the girls to Milkshakes in the hot tub but they all scatter like cockroaches, desperate to not get caught with Milkshakes for any more time than they have to. Are these the worst paid travel companions in history or what? They won’t even pretend to like the guy who is paying them and I for one, LOVE watching it play out. Even better? Watching Milkshakes pass out in the hot tub while waiting for them all and almost drowning until Bobby and Max Hagley wake him up.
Paola is off to go sell tea on Instagram and Bobby sees her to her airport shuttle, saying goodbye with a passionate kiss. Don’t worry Bobby, there are plenty more swipe rights where she came from.
The next morning, Milkshakes and the gang head out and Wiz wishes them all a “Savel Trafe” instead of “Travel Safe” as they leave, no doubt hypnotized by all those boobies. Before Milkshakes can leave, he makes a big speech about how the actions of one have consequences for many and then quickly says that’s not the case here and hands over a big tip, plus the MVP tip to Hannah, his favorite unpaid gal on the ship. Ha! Suck it, Bugs! But Hannah shows her class and leadership by insisting on splitting her extra tip with the crew, on top of it already being the largest tip of the season. All in all, this crew raked in $141,000 this season total, which is well worth putting up with annoying charter guests.
Once the crew cleans up the ship, Captain Sandy takes them out to dinner at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the ocean. After dinner and toasting to how wonderful the crew is, Sandy takes her leave and lets the crew enjoy themselves and by enjoy, I mean, rip each other to shreds.
Hannah takes Bugsy to go talk and asks her point blank if she thinks she worked harder than her all season. Bugs says yes and then proceeds to tell Hannah that everyone else feels this way too, including Lauren Cohen, who is supposed to be Hannah’s friend. Hannah finds Lauren to tell her what she’s been hearing and Lauren uses the pathetic excuse that Bugs was trying to brainwash her against Hannah. Oh Lauren, sweetie, you have to have a brain to be brainwashed. When Hannah confronts the both of them together, Bugsy didn’t realize Lauren had already picked her side and that side was Hannah. Lauren claims she didn’t say anything of the sort (and we are treated to all the clips where she did) and that the only person she is going to be friends with when this charter is over is Hannah. Uhhh probably not after Hannah sees that footage.
Wiz speaks with Malia privately and I don’t think I can bear much more of these two! But for the sake of the recap, here I go: Wiz shares with Malia about the text messages that Adam showed him and Malia says they “kind of” had a thing and then he asks her if they had a thing before they got on the boat and Malia issues another downplay of “kind of”. Apparently, that’s good enough for Wiz, who says as long as she likes him, that’s all that matters and they make out.
Back at the boat, Adam is revealing to Hannah that the “kind of” thing was a full on intimate relationship before he and Malia even got on board, while Malia does damage control, painting Adam as an obsessive lover who said “I love you” after 4 days. OK, I’m assuming there are two sides to every story and the truth. I have no doubt Adam came on a little strong considering he’s one onion short of onion soup but Malia’s downplaying of what she had with Adam is pretty hard to believe in general.
The next morning, while the crew packs up, Malia unpacks – right onto Adam, telling him that he needs to hear what she has to say, whether he wants to or not. Then she spins a tale of how poor little Malia liked a cool surfer dude who turned out to be a colossal a**hole and sure, she could have stopped leading him on at some point but was just too intimidated by him to break it off. Adam tells her he doesn’t have any respect for her and she storms away with a final “f**k off”. But Adam isn’t done and Malia should have known he wasn’t so he goes and tells Wiz the final secret in his box of tricks – he and Malia were in a physical relationship before they even got on the boat. Once again, Adam is wasting his breath as Wiz pretends to care but really doesn’t.
One by one, they all leave the ship on good terms, save for a terse goodbye between Hannah and Bugsy. Wiz hopes things work out with Malia and Hannah admits that she’s going to need a lot of therapy, thanks to this season.
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