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Please tell me the finale is not about Tom! It’s about Tom. And what a bittersweet ending The Real Housewives Of New York is giving us this season. Not even twenty-four hours after the ladies’ awesomely insane Mexico trip aired, Luann de Lesseps (yes, we’re back to the old name) announced she’d filed for divorce from Tom D’Agostino, who she’s spent the last eighteen episodes defending as the man who would make all of her dreams come true. In the end, poor Luann traded Countess for Wife, and all she had to show for it was Eggs a la Francaise on her face. But I’m here for single Lu ALL day, EVERY day. So perhaps, eighty-sixing Tom right smack on the heels of Luann totally rocking that Mexico vaycay is perfect timing after all. And given Tom’s (unsurprising) shady behavior last night, Luann’s move to kick his sorry, lying, cheating, de-mic’d a$$ to the curb deserves an extra champagne toast. Hurrah!!!

With Mexico in their rearview mirror, the ladies re-enter Manhattan’s orbit. For Tinsley Mortimer, this means planning a “Thank you and F**k you!” party for her grumpy hostess, Sonja Morgan. The question is: Will Sonja find clean underwear, get out of her dirty robe, and attend it?

We begin at Carole Radziwill’s baby-baby-baby filled home, where Bethenny Frankel pops by to open up some windows and discuss her new apartment. She’s renovating it, which is giving her anxiety. She and Carole agree that the sh*tshow of Mexico was indeed delightful, especially considering how many of these b*tches hate each other! Carole and Bethenny dish about Tinsley, who’s head over heels for her new guy, Scott. Since both Luann and Tinsley found love while squatting in Sonja’s crumbling townhouse, Bethenny thinks Ramona Singer should try that spare bedroom out next.

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Cut to Tom and Luann playing tennis, which I really wish was kickboxing right now – and that Luann was punching his face. (Too much? Too soon? Nah.) Still in their “newlywed phase,” Luann celebrates how happy she is. Ugggghhh. To prove how blissfully happy she is, she’d like Tom to accompany her to Tinsley’s party for Sonja. Tom agrees.

Meanwhile, Sonja is celebrating her new life with live-in grifter boyfriend, Frenchie. Ramona stops by to check out Sonja’s attempt at not being a hoarder. Now that Tinsley has officially moved out, she’s attempting to simplify her life – but only for Edgar/Frenchie’s sake. Ramona wants the magic of Sonja’s boom-boom room to rub off on her, but she’s not willing to live in this crab shack to do it. She is glad that she’s in a good place again with Bethenny, with whom she’s been warring for months.

The ladies move on to discussing Tinsley’s party, which Sonja doesn’t understand. She thinks it’s a cheap public display to prove Tinsley was a grateful houseguest, but the whole idea strikes her as disingenuous. Then Ramona declares the most baldly ironic statement of the decade: “I think Tinsley is just self absorbed!” These are the words of a woman who likely makes crazy eyes to herself in the mirror each night, repeating the mantra, I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit – people like me! 

At Bethenny’s new downtown apartment, Nate Thompson (NHL player), and Bethenny eat deli sandwiches and flirt. They met in LA, and Bethenny liked the look of his stick. Dorinda Medley comes over to check the place – and the man – out. He immediately regrets taking his fake tooth out, not realizing that Sonja’s tooth pops out on the regular. Bethenny gives them the tour, officially making Dorinda jealous of the enormous space sprawling out before her. But Bethenny’s already dreaming of flipping this place once she’s done with renovations – which we’ll likely see on her new spinoff.

Now that Tinsley is living in a hotel, she can breathe a sigh of relief in non-asbestos laden air, plus order room service that comes with clear ice. It’s heaven. Carole visits to re-gift Tinsley a candle, then dishes with her about the Page Six drama and the party. Tinsley is worried that Sonja might not even show up, considering “F**k you” is in the name of her party. But now she claims it was just a joke! Hahahaha. Okay, Tins. Sonja only storyline this ENTIRE season has been about you living in her house. And this is the finale. So…she’ll show. She’ll make a huge deal about not coming, of course, but she’ll show.

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Oh my! Dorinda has resurrected the dormant carcass of John Mahdessian for the finale, which immediately brings her cool chick points down by 10. John brings a gown over that she’d been admiring, but it looks suspiciously like a wedding dress – and Dorinda wants NO part of that mess. She doesn’t even want this dude living with her (good for her!) let alone thinking about marriage. Plus, the chances of Dorinda going gangsta on John in public restaurants decidedly plummet if they don’t live apart.

Speaking of people who’d rather live apart, Carole and Adam take one of their babies for a walk. Carole is much happier living alone, and Adam is delighted to have a new apartment purchased for him. Plus, how do you manage to walk around NYC in Beat It inspired red pleather jacket and zipper pants if you’re not willing to flash your single-girl hipster card at a moment’s notice?

Over at Sonja’s house, dogs are licking “underwears” and Frenchie is eyeing up the silver. He’s leaving for France to renovate “his” hotel (quotes intentional), and Sonja is coming along for the trip. But she has no plans of taking Rocco off the back burner because, well, you know – he’s a back burner kind of fella! And Sonja’s only operating on maybe two working burners at any given time, so she needs to keep her pots right where they are. Also, these pots need constant watching, which means Sonja can’t go to Tinsley’s party. In ironic statement #2 of the night, Sonja claims she “doesn’t like to be in the center of drama.” Mmm hmm.

None the wiser about Sonja’s plans to snub her, Tinsley sets up her party. It’s pink! It’s got t-shirts! It features a Manhattan-skyline cake (that I feel like I’ve seen on Cake Boss at least three times…!?). Tinsley and Scott welcome Carole, and Carole’s MC Hammer pants (is this a 1988 wardrobe review? What is HAPPENING here?), to her party. Scott thanks Carole for introducing him to Tinsley, who he’s practically ready to put a ring on! He luuuuurrrrvs her. And he does seem like a super sweet guy, unlike Tom D’Agostin-NO, so good luck to these crazy kids!

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Dorinda and John show up next, even though Dorinda doesn’t understand why Sonja deserves a party. She’d be burning her house down if Sonja had done her Page Six-dirty like that. But she does love Tinsley’s new beau and wants them to get married ASAP. “We have to have a wedding a year!” she gushes, not realizing the one she just attended three months ago in WEST Palm Beach is about to explode in everyone’s faces.

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Ramona arrives with friends, showing off her bare legs – which she calls, “my best assets!” Telling Tinsley that Sonja’s still in bed – with no plans to come to the party – Tinsley’s formerly giddy facade cracks. She can’t believe Sonja wouldn’t come to a party thrown in her honor, no matter how much joking she did about the “F**k you” part.

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Wandering in next, Luann and Tom silently scan the room. Luann, for allies, and Tom, for ex-girlfriends. They will both find their people shortly, no doubt. Bethenny arrives with her bad-ittude in tow, not keen on participating in Tinsley’s game. But she manages to play nice for a bit while Ramona moves off to the side to talk her her friends, including Missy! You know, the woman who claims Luann “stole” Tom from her? Yeah, that one.

But that juicy drama will have to wait! For the woman, the UES urban legend, the owner of licked underwears, herself, is here. Draped in fur, Sonja arrives itchin’ for a fight. Carole told her the party was really a big “F**k you,” so she anticipates a throwdown with Tinsley in her very near future. Trying to diffuse the Sonja bomb before it detonates used cocktail straws and bidet water all over the place, Tinsley hugs her old hostess, then points out all of the “Thank you’s!” around the room. “It’s on the cake! It’s on the shirts! It’s on the floor!” Tinsley panics. But Sonja is not pleased. She doesn’t like the pink dress, the pink drinks, or the pink face of Harry Dubin leering at her.

Over at the bar, Ramona tries to play nice with Bethenny, but her special skills in word flubbing and general awkwardness do her no favors. When she quips that she “thinks” she’s okay with things now, Bethenny digs deeper. She’s like, Ah-HA! glad that Ramona’s admitting she’s not that happy as a single 60-year old. But she does encourage Ramona to hang in there to see what comes next. Then, in a moment of vulnerability that even makes my Housewives-hardened heart go out to her, Ramona takes Bethenny’s hand and confesses, “You know what it is? I don’t think that it’s ever gonna happen.” This is the Ramona we need back in our lives, and the one who shown up much too rarely this year (like, once, right now).

Back to the general party drama, Tinsley is still bristling over Sonja’s cold behavior towards her. As Luann, Sonja, and Bethenny gather round the sipping circle, Tom is elsewhere causing drama of his own. After running into Missy, who asks Tom if he’s sick, his uniquely smarmy response is, “No, I’m fine. I get all choked up when I see you.” She says, “The feeling is mutual.”

The last time Tom saw Missy was when she “was walking off.” Missy laughs. Then, when a friend asks for Tom’s side of that story, he says to hold on – “I’ve gotta unplug this thing.” Encouraging him to de-mic, Missy gets an earful of…something…while Luann cheers to being “a Mrs.” in another corner. It’s dreadful.

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Moments later, Bethenny is winding Sonja up about Tinsley’s party being a fraud. She thinks complaining about your hostess for months, then throwing her a party to publicly fawn all over her is hypocrisy at its finest. Sonja is sick of Tinsley’s damsel-in-distress act, which Bethenny agrees is wearing thin. She also thinks Sonja held back a lot of dirt about Tinsley, like the fact that she drinks a weeeeeeee bit too much. In the morning. Yikes.

Back in Luann’s world, she’s giddy when her son, Noel, shows up. Even though he’s mistaken for Ramona’s new boyfriend. AS! IF!

When Tinsley tries to offer a group toast to Sonja, Sonja awkwardly stands by, biting her tongue. But she does take Tinsley’s words to heart, and suddenly forgives all of the slights – whether real or perceived – Tinsley has thrust upon her these past months. And this is why I love Sonja. She gets over sh*t. (Except for the Berkshires. No huge cake or pink drinks can fix that.) Sonja even maintains her smile when Tinsley next offers her a framed photo of Tins looking fab and fit, while Sonja hovers in the background with her head and arm cut out of the frame. HA!

Sonja is feeling no pain from the photo business, though, because Tinsley also forks over a $5K gift card for Bergdorf’s. Now it’s time to stuff her face with cake and gyrate on the closest human with a pulse she can find!

And that’s a wrap for season 9 of the best damn city in the whole Housewives franchise, in my humble opinion. We laughed, we cried, we watched Ramona’s face regenerate itself before our very eyes. We witnessed the rise and (literal) fall of Luann as she got D’Agostino’d, then de Lessep’d herself back to freedom again. Sonja got her gardens trimmed, Tinsley found a man to rescue her from the tower, and Bethenny Skinnygirl’d her way back in to (some) of our hearts by softening up a bit from last season. Carole played team ball rather than man-to-man Bethenny defense, returning her to a more palatable version of her neutral, fairly centered self. And Dorinda started a new line of merchandise based on the walking GIF she turned out to be, slurring her way into t-shirts and coffee mugs near you! She made it nice, people. And it was worth every second.

Now, on to the reunion…

TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK SEASON 9? WAS TINSLEY’S PARTY HEARTFELT OR DISINGENUOUS? WHAT THE HELL WAS TOM SAYING OFF MIC?!?!

Photo Credit: Bravo

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