The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

Like rhinestone cowgirls, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey formed a posse and sought street justice at the Posche Fashion Show. Ahh. It feels like old home week! That warm holiday spirit just fills the air when grown women decide to throw things at each other by way of Kim DePaola’s annual event honoring her strip mall boutique. While Teresa Giudice, Danielle Staub, Margaret Josephs, and Melissa Gorga went head to head with Kim, Siggy Flicker and Dolores Catania stood by, hoping not to get grazed by an airborne chair/glass/plate/flat screen TV.

But first, Margaret needs to redecorate her house. Interior designer Joyce comes over to take a look at the 1960s projection screen and ballrooms-turned-dining-turned-living-rooms. Joe the contractor is apparently not keeping up with Marge’s needs – at least outside of the bedroom. Marge and her mumu want changes NOW! Yes, there will be velvet on the walls! There will be bedazzled curtain rings! And Joyce promises it will be finished before Margaret returns from Italy in two weeks. Also, Margaret wants Joe to know about Kim D and all of her wily ways, as if Joe the contractor gives a flying fig about this phantom menace.

Over at the Gorga residence, Joe is missing his mom. He’s even called a psychic medium to come over in the hopes of connecting to his mom in the afterlife. Melissa is skeptical, and Teresa hasn’t even been told yet! When Melissa tells Joe about the latest dirt Kim D.’s been spilling, his non-reaction says it. All. It’s like, Kim WHO? Nobody cares about that Walking Dead extra. Joe is shocked that Siggy and Dolores are supporting Kim by walking in her fashion show, though. “It’s like supporting an animal!” he declares while preparing to eat raw meat with his bare hands.

It’s prep time for the Posche fashion show in North Bergen, NJ. The entire 60-mile radius of spray tanning establishments have been conscripted, prom dresses have been assembled, and large curling wands are brandished. Give us strip mall fashion or give us DEATH! When Siggy and Dolores arrive to be made up for the show, they tell Kim about Teresa’s reaction to hearing the cheating gossip. Kim thinks no one wants to believe it because it’s true, not realizing that – actually – no one ever believes her, like, ever.

Since she can’t be trusted as a reliable source, enter Lina, the hairdresser. Curling wand in hand, she regales the ladies with a little story about Teresa and another guy “being touchy feely” the other night. Lina and Kim embrace in a Reelz-style reenactment of the scene. Siggy and Dolores aren’t buying it. “HA! Welcome to the Posche fundraiser!” snarks Kim before she gleefully spins around and flits out of the room. Her dirty work here is done…for now.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

As Tre’s Fallen Angels get ready for their throw-down, we see Teresa preparing herself for battle. She can hardly wait to confront Kim D  semi-live and in person. Danielle is beside herself with excitement too, adrenaline coursing through her veins from the festering anger of Posche Fashion Shows past. The ladies have two objectives: 1) Verbally assault Kim for the sh*t starter she is, and 2) Keep all of their hair. It should be noted that Danielle is also wearing the dress of a million finger-hole-cutouts, so I feel like she could have planned better. That thing has “snatch and drag me” written all over it.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

The Hateful Eight-Minus-Four walk in, brass knuckles and cocktails at the ready. Kim spies with her little eye four b*tches who hate her, so she immediately calls Teresa over to hash it out. “Kim, you’re so f**ked up! Did you see [Joe] f**king another girl!?!?” Teresa asks. Kim says no, but he has. Then she calls everyone dirty b*tches, reiterating that she also KNOWS FOR A FACT Tre is stepping out on Joe – and she even has eye witnesses waiting in the wings to offer testimony!

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

In a flimsy attempt to “prove” Teresa is a cheater, Kim then calls her out for “going out to clubs.” Which is, um, super stupid. Even Melissa knows this is reaching, noting how Kim kinda brought a toothpick to a knife fight with that hollow accusation. Melissa is more concerned with the fact that Siggy and Dolores are sitting silently by without defending their supposed friend. But seriously, are they really supposed to jump into the fire? OH SNAP – Margaret does! And oh sh*t – so does Danielle, who’s been itching for a piece of Kim for seven long years. She’ll even take a straggly extension singed with cigarette burns at this point.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

Then Teresa delivers her practiced line (without notecards, ya’ll!). “You know what POSCHE stands for? Piece Of Sh*t Cokewh*ore Homewrecker Everyday!” Ooh…um, burn? <shrug> When Kim doesn’t take the bait, Tre eggs her on to physically fight (right? what was that?!), then the entire situation devolves into a few good ole’ “F**K YOU!”s before Kim flees the scene. As she slithers away, she tosses a chair back at Teresa, who immediately chucks that sh*t sideways as if it’s made of cardboard, then screams that she wishes she weren’t an ex-felon so she could grab Kim by the hair and shake her senseless!

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

Okay, pause for a moment. Do we think Joe cheated on Tre? Yup. Is Tre maybe/possibly stepping out on Joe while he’s locked up? Yup. But is Kim D. still a piece of sh*t who needs to flush herself back down whatever sewer she creeped out of? Absolutely. Which is why this fight was simply the precursor to the REAL argument, which is now between Siggy and Dolores and, well, everyone else.

Teresa can’t believe they’re loyal to this swamp thing that throws EVERYONE under the bus when given the chance at two seconds of camera time. Dolores gets in Melissa’s face telling her that no one tells her what to do! This is for CHARITY! Melissa can’t believe her ears. “They’re like little puppets – all Kim D’s puppets. Bye puppets!” she screams as she takes her rag tag group and leaves. Uh, OK. I guess Dolores and Siggy are ready for their closeups now! Plus, Siggy considers this an act of kindness because her walk down the runway in a full turtleneck gown is raising money for charity. Allegedly.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

The real party is going on at Margaret’s house, where the ladies discuss how vile Kim D is. Funny how Teresa conveniently forgets how she used Kim D to disgustingly attack Melissa in the past though, huh? It’s like when your trained dog suddenly turns on you. #Hypocrite

But at least they are in this Beetlejuice library again, which I am totally okay with! This place is the perfect backdrop to discuss the 50 Shades of CRAY that is Kim D. Teresa is super pissed that Siggy and Dolores stayed to support Kim. I mean, look at Marge over here – she’s even jumping into the fray! So, what about the trip to Italy? Tre doesn’t even know if she wants to go, considering the pattern of Dolores turning her back on her. She just hopes Siggy and Dolores come to her to make amends before Milan.

Before that can happen, Marge Jr. has to get Marge Sr. ready for her hot date with their accountant. And I just hope this guy is worth the magic of Marge Sr., because this woman can simply do no wrong in my eyes. “You come with a lot of perks,” jokes Margaret, who wants to help glam her mom up before putting her out there on the market. She orders a service to come over to primp them both because – hey, why not? #ClassicMarge

At lunch, Frank Sr. and Dolores are talking about Frankie and his girlfriend, who are joined at the hip. Speaking of hip glue, in walks Siggy! They discuss the Kim D/Teresa issue with Frank, who shockingly is the voice of reason. He thinks they should back up their friend, Teresa, especially if she’s being attacked in their presence. My god – Siggy expects apologies for 16 weeks after a cake toss, so she should cop to “hurt feelings” in others. Dolores also admits she, in hindsight, should have probably left the show. Siggy and Dolores hope Tre can forgive them. HA! Good luck with that, ladies.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

Over at the Gorgas’ home, Melissa and Joe are getting ready for the medium, wondering if she’s bringing ghosts with her! Nah, she’s just bringing her blue purse. Teresa arrives first, not really into this psychic thing, but willing to give it a shot. When the medium, Contessa (?), tells Teresa that her mother is sitting right beside her and saying that one of her children (Milania) is extremely sensitive to the other side. Hence, her seeing Nonna in the kitchen.

She also wants Teresa to know that she’s at peace, and Joe to know that she’s playing a song, Mama, that Joe danced to with her at his wedding. She says Antonia can run now too, which hits Joe and Melissa hard. That’s just what he wanted to hear! His last words to her were, “Go run, mom. Go run.” Contessa says that Antonia is very worried about her husband, who wants to be with her. Teresa doesn’t want to lose her father too (and sadly, he was just in the hospital this week), but understands his pain.

Next, we zoom back to Margaret’s house, where Marges both senior and junior are getting dolled up by roaming spa service, Priv. And I just have to award Margaret the Housewives Trophy tonight for appearing in 90-percent of her scenes in plastic hair rollers without a single f**k to give. This broad is my spirit animal, for real.

At Teresa’s house, Siggy stops by to offer apologies. She’s sorry about the scene at Posche, which Siggy admits was disgusting. She defended Teresa at her store, but didn’t feel like she could leave the charity event so as not to offend the victims’ families. Teresa says she gets it, but Siggy and Dolores still feel left out in the cold. Why does Tre think they’re disloyal? wonders Siggy. Also, she’s not happy with Margaret’s off the cuff “Hitler” reference last week, which seemed like a throw away comment, but was obviously in poor taste. In any case, Siggy’s still in shock over it all. “She’s missing a sensitivity chip!” says Siggy. Despite her issues with Marge, she still wants to go to Milan – but only if Dolores can come! Teresa isn’t feeling Dolores lately, and after she got in Melissa’s face at the fashion show, who the eff knows?

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

After a quick peek at Marge Sr.’s goofy double date with Marge Jr., Joe, and The Accountant (Steve), we cut to Melissa’s closet, where she’s getting shoe-shamed by Joe and Joey Jr. Teresa calls to explain Siggy’s apology, and how they made up. When she mentions Siggy not coming on the Milan trip without Dolores, Melissa just shrugs it off. She doesn’t seem to care who comes as long as the camera is on her. But she warns, “I’m telling you Tre, she’s on my sh*t list.” Ooh. Bring on Milan!

Writer’s Note: Check out my NEW podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance & more!) – plus a deep dive into cults & the supernatural. Now available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes

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Photo Credit: Bravo

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