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RHOC-VICKI

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was giving me flashbacks of the Bill Clinton trial. It was all a buncha semantics, except with Housewives mumbo-jumbo. "I did not say they were having sex, they were just in bed." "I didn't say it was a threesome" "I've never had multiple partners." "You have a different guest role on Malibu Country." Whatever the case: "Uh Oh! Somebody's lyyyyyying!" (Adrienne Maloof voice). 

Lydia McLaughlin tried to take her new friends to her old country, Canada, for some good old fashion skiing fun at Whistler. Truly showing she's a sparkly-eyed, pixie winged novice for all things Housewives she predicted it would be drama free. Why? Did she think the negative temperatures would freeze their drama capacitors off? Nope, if anything the cold made them extra twitchy and jumpy and turned the trip into a true The Shining nightmare. Except Lydia was the only person trapped on the mountain and unable to escape. 

Good thing Alexis Bellino gave Lydia a special, drama-debunking gift! Alexis has decided she'll come on the trip under one condition – she can carry a concealed weapon. A Swaorvski crystal studded bible! Alexis gives Lydia a matching bible. Um… I love these two; they truly are Jesus Barbie and her little sister Bible Skipper! I hope Barbie doesn't wear Alexis Couture to teach Sunday School. 

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hollywood-exes-drea-kelly

Finally!! Hollywood Exes returns for a second season with its original cast, Nicole Murphy, ex-wife of Eddie Murphy, Jessica Canseco, ex-wife of Jose Canseco, Mayte Garcia, ex-wife of Prince, Sheree Fletcher, ex-wife of Will Smith, and Drea Kelly, ex-wife of R. Kelly.

New to the cast this season is Shamicka Lawrence, who's newly divorced from Martin Lawrence, but she has yet to make an appearance. Daphne Wayans, ex-wife of Keenan Ivory Wayans, shows up briefly, but I suspect we won't be seeing much more of the diva. To kick off season two, Drea returns to L.A. with a grudge against Jessica, and Mayte considers adopting a baby girl in need.

Turns out, Drea is furious with Jessica, because she publicly tweeted that Drea is a hypocrite and fake. Drea believes that Jessica and her fake DDs need to take a seat, adding, "I'm too damn grown for a Twitter war." 

Also, Drea is over the "that's just her" excuse for Jessica's less than desirable behaviors. Enough is enough. "You come at me, I'm going to give it right back to you," vows Drea. "You bring it to me crazy, I'm going to deliver it to you crazy. For $19.95, plus shipping and handling, it's coming right to ya door." 

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hiphopatl3

I'll give it to the cast of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta…they are willing to share the spotlight and the drama!  One week, it's all about Stevie J. and his love rhombus, and the next week, Benzino's mountain weekend takes center stage.  It's compromise at its most pure form…

Kirk Frost's actual threesome is happening on camera.  Whatever happened to the subtle innuendo of a man walking two hoochies into his bedroom and America knowing what was getting ready to happen?  Did we really need to see the naked backs and the massages?  Gahhhh.  The following morning, Kirk knows he's got a lot of things to fix, but he hasn't had so much fun since the late 90's.  Benzino thinks that his friend has made a major marriage error, and he questions Kirk as to whether a threesome with video vixens was "the pass" Rasheeda had given him.  Kirk couldn't care less.  He had a hot tub and some biznizzles…it was meant to be.  Please forgive me for trying to get my inner Scrappy on, but it's so much fun!

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princesses-long-island-chanel-coco-omari

Have you heard? Princesses: Long Island star Chanel "Coco" Omari is 27 years old and not married. I repeat – NOT married. Broken. So sad. Disgrace to Longuyland. Tune in next week to see Chanel's public stoning. Obviously, I kid (at least I hope) about the stoning, but is this pity party for real?

Chanel's younger sister, Ashley, is engaged to be married, and poor broken Chanel doesn't even have a boyfriend. The hits keep coming when Chanel helps shop for Ashley's bridal gown. At the dress shop, Mom introduces Ashley, the bride, and Chanel, the sister, and the shop clerk asks if Chanel is the "little sister" as if it's relevant and/or any of her business. After a brief moment of silence, Chanel reveals that she's actually the older sister, and then the store clerk buys the first ticket to Chanel's stoning. 

Just for kicks – Ashley insists that Chanel try on a wedding gown. Mom prays, "God willing, Chanel will meet someone," and Chanel weeps. "Sometimes I just want to be normal like everyone else and do the same things like everyone else is doing," she cries. "It's really difficult when you feel like you're always on a different page." 

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rhonj-recap

Oh Real Housewives of New Jersey. I just don't know what to do with you. Like ever. Last night Melissa Gorga was officially accused of cheating by a former BFF who now doesn't like her. And since this is RHONJ some heavy betrayal was involved. Does anyone like Melissa in NJ? What did this girl do to make so many enemies? Did she give a lot of people unwanted sprinkle cookies? 

Anyway, there was also talk of a retreat. I need a retreat from this show – am I invited?

Things begin with Wallpaper Wakile having a meeting of the minds in her brand new test kitchen. She's got her mixer all set up in one corner and the entire vast remainder of the industrial kitchen sits unused and empty. Pretty soon Kathy is going to start moving her bed, her dresser, all her clothes, etc in because if there's one things she's realized about ol' test kitchen – it's a great retreat from Richie. And one long overdue.

And speaking of retreats from hubbies, here comes Caroline Manzo. Is Al in the same country as her anymore? Caroline, Jacqueline Laurita, and Rosie the Rampager are meeting to talk about Rosie's big meet-n-drink with Teresa Giudice. Rosie reveals that the pounding on the table severely bruised the cartilage in her hand. Rosie needs serious help. Gross. 

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dm-chatter

Blah, blah, blah….that's what comes to mind when I hear the title of the latest Dance Moms special Dance Moms Chatter.  Jeff Collins returns to mediate (is he wearing pink pants?  Props!) an hour of filler that promises Kelly and Christi drama, comediennes, and drunk fans (turns out they were one and the same).  Jeff revisits the breakdown in Kelly and Christi's friendship, and Kelly admits that she has a hard time letting people into her life.  Likewise, Christi knows that it's going to take a long time to regain her former bestie's trust.

Two super fans/comediennes join Kelly and Christi on stage.  As the four women share cosmos, Christi wouldn't mesh well with the super fans who hope their kids are never more than mediocre.  They don't want their entire lives to revolve around their children's after-school activities.  Kelly reminds the super fans that their kids would fit right in with her daughters as Abby Lee Miller is constantly reminding her that her girls are average.

I notice that Christi's hair is the same color as Jeff's pants–it's got a pink tint…or is that my television?  We are treated to a montage of all the moms yelling and bickering at some point during the franchise (there is no cohesiveness or chronology in this special), and Christi takes the opportunity to take digs at Kristie 2.0Kelly reveals that it was Asia that dubbed the original Christi as "Fat Christi."  Out of the mouths of babes…

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rhoc-recap

A few beautiful wedding dresses can make anything better! Even a limo full of badly behaving Real Housewives of Orange County. Yep, I like even Tamra Barney better when she's all stuffed into a stunning white gown. Maybe because I can imagine the fabric drowning out her voice. 

So last night was another infamous Tamra Starts Getting Married episode. After she decided to be the the bigger girl and invite Alexis Bellino to her ultimate special dress shopping extravaganza for trip down the aisle numero tres, friction between Gretchen Rossi who like totally thought she was the numero uno in importance, arose. Tamra no likey. 

Tamra meets finace Eddie for dinner at their gym which is still basically an abandoned warehouse at this point and Tamra is wearing some sort of animal hide cape. Seriously – what was that thing Cruella DeVille? I thought Tamra only killed and skinned other housewives. Silence of the Implants! 

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love hip hop 5

Okay, if I didn't already know that Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta was scripted, I think Kirk Frost's mountain weekend last night would have been a dead giveaway.  Seriously?  The dude has a pregnant wife and he has cameras following his every move.  I hope both he AND Rasheeda are laughing their way to the bank with that VH1 storyline!  Let's get started, shall we?

Kirk heads to Benzino's to vent about his pregnant wife making a video with HIS money from THEIR joint account.  Benzino thinks that his friend is starting to wage a battle on his wife, and he hates seeing a "power couple" like the Frosts crumbling.  He thinks his friend needs to get away from the city and the strip clubs and head to the lake.  Kirk will be able to clear his head, and hopefully Benzino will forget he can't find love in the ATL.

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