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rhoa-recap-nene-phaedra

This season of Real Housewives of Atlanta is all about confronting the past, isn't it! Last night was no exception. 

Kenya Moore and her desperate to get screentime frienemy Miss Lawrence meet for lunch to gossip about Sav-AWN-a, as pronounced wrong by Krayonce. Kenya reveals that apparently everyone in Atlanta, or at least everyone one in Atlanta that is also on RHOA, has slept with Chuck Smith

Kenya giggles that Chuck didn't want to put a ring on "jumpoff" Phaedra Parks, because naturally the only reason a man wouldn't want to marry a woman is because she's a jumpoff. Not because people date but don't always fall in love and then they move on. Six proposals, one hired boyfriend, and a Nigerian prince she met on gmail later, Krayonce doesn't seem to understand the behaviors of a normal relationship. 

Speaking of Chuck, he invited Phaedra and NeNe Leakes to Athens to propose that they all speak at the Boys & Girls Club there because Chuck is very involved. NeNe now knows Phaedra from growing up. Phaedra reminds us Athens is a one-horse, or one Dairy Queen town, with two high schools and everyone knows of everyone, just in case NeNe forgot. 

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kody brown wrestling

On last night's Sister Wives, Kody let the locks fly with lots of manly activities. It was slightly epic. The Browns are planning a commitment ceremony, and they are looking at different places to throw a big family event. Christine loves dropping the fact that they are polygamists to see how people react. The poor guy giving them a tour of the venue says he isn't the church or the government…his place of business just wants to make money. I never need to see Kody moonwalking on a dance floor ever again. Christine balks at the $10,000.00 minimum price tag, but Janelle believes that it's actually a fair price for what they would be getting. Meri appreciates that some of the women don't want to have to prep or clean up as it would all be taken care of by the event staff, but it's an awful lot of money. Kody admits that he can be very stingy when it comes to his wives' spending, but he wants to go all out with this celebration. After all, he's got a reputation to uphold. Gag.

Kody's friend Brett is coming to visit, and he and Janelle's trainer are going to install wrestling mats in Janelle's garage for son Hunter. Janelle still has stuff in her garage that needs to be cleaned out, so Kody volunteers Christine's garage for the mats as her garage is spotless. Christine requests a private conversation with Kody so she can give him her list of demands in return for turning her garage into a mini gym. She wants more time with Kody and more grocery money. Where are they getting this money? Is TLC footing the bill for all of this madness? Hunter is excited about his new training arena. He thinks it's cool that his dad likes to relive his high school glory days.

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taylor-armstrong-john-bluher-couples-therapy

Couples Therapy is back with Taylor Armstrong & John Bluher, Ghostface Killah & Kelsey Nykole, Whitney Mixter & Sada Bettencourt, and Farrah Abraham.  Farrah shows up alone – shocker – and Dr. Jenn Berman falls for her "my boyfriend is a big meany" act hook, line, and sinker.

Apparently Jon Gosselin & Liz Janetta join the fun later.  He probably has to wait for the lunch rush to pass and get his balls from Kate's hilltop mansion before he can fly to L.A. Jon's new simpler life is so hard, you guys. So so hard.

Taylor and John arrive first. The former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star recaps her past – she had the "perfect house" and the "perfect husband" in Beverly Hills. Taylor says, in reality, she endured six years of emotional and physical abuse from her late husband, Russell Armstrong.

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mob wives renee

I hate to be a pill because I love reality television, but last night I had to watch the Sugar Bowl during the Mob Wives' commercials. What a game (and I wasn't even invested in the outcome!)! Well, the craziness I was watching on the field paled in comparison to what was going on in Vegas with Renee Graziano's hard fall off the wagon!

After the insanity of the night before, Big Ang has ordered a big breakfast in hopes of resolving their issues and curing their hangovers. Alicia DiMichele Garofalo is worried about Renee. She is tired of drama, and she wants to enjoy her last trip before potential incarceration. Renee and Drita D'avanzo arrive at breakfast, and Renee is looking just as rough as she was the night before. Drita admits that she lost over two grand gambling, and she takes suggestions as to how to lie to Lee about her loss. Drita knows that Renee is going to be a ticking time bomb over her animosity towards Natalie Guercio. She starts swearing and chain smoking at the mention of her name. 

Drita decides that everyone needs to be present for the airing of the grievances (Happy Festivus!), so she goes to get Natalie. Showing her new found maturity, Drita warns Natalie about the confrontation that awaits her. While Drita isn't a Natalie fan, she remembers what it's like to be ganged up on by the ladies. Drita takes a few seconds to tell Natalie all of the shiz she's said about her behind her back, and Natalie apologizes with a hug. Natalie promises to explain herself to Big Ang as well. When Natalie joins the table, Renee begins to point out all of the delicious things on the table. Grapes are delicious, as are pastries. Her man (one date makes a man?)? NOT DELICIOUS! Natalie assures Renee that she wasn't intending to be disrespectful, but she doesn't think her word choice was inappropriate. Renee does a reenactment calling Alicia's husband delicious to make her point. Natalie then quips that Renee should know Alicia's husband smells delicious since they went to dinner together a few times. 

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dance moms 1

Abby Lee Miller was back with a vengeance on last night's premiere of Dance Moms. At least they revamped the opener though, right?  At the studio, Abby corrals the girls and their mothers for an announcement. Abby congratulates her Nationals winners while taking passive aggressive digs at everyone. She reveals that she will be holding open auditions in Atlanta, Orlando, and New York. Everyone is replaceable, y'all!

Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid since Christi made such a scene with Leslie on Bourbon Street during Nationals and Abby gave them the boot. Christi hopes to focus more on her daughter's dancing and less on the mama drama this year. We'll see how long that lasts!  Chloe apologizes to her team and promises to work her hardest. Peyton follows Chloe on the bottom for the same reason. Nia is the first actual Nationals participant to be on the bottom, followed by Brooke. Nia looks totally crestfallen, and Holly is upset. Nia is at every class and every extra practice. She is working her little bum off! Brooke is chastised for missing one class while attending New York Fasion Week (really?), and sister Paige is last on the middle tier since things just aren't clicking. Is it just me, or are these new head shots just too much? Mackenzie is next for being second in division at Nationals. Kendall is one spot away from the top of the pyramid when Abby announces that there's been a mistake. She switches out Nia's headshot for Kendall's. Jill is livid. Kendall tries not to cry as Abby complains about Kendall missing a week of booty camp to go on vacation. Maddie is on the top. Surprise, surprise!

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taJIRY JOE

Two weeks off is a long time to be away from the crazy, delusional, bed-hopping cast of Love & Hip Hop, so I won't waste any time with an introduction. I know you've missed them as much as I have!

Tajiry Jose is so, so busy with her acting and modeling that's it's so nice to get a night off to enjoy New York Fashion Week. As she walks the red carpet, she's photo bombed by ex Joe Budden. At first she pretends to be disgusted, but she's happy to play up to the cameras. Joe tries to apologize for letting another woman lay in their bed. As she attempts to watch the show, Joe keeps trying to cop a feel. They leave in the rain, and Tajiry steals his sweater to shield her hair leaving a wet Professor standing on the sidewalk.

Amina Buddafly is catching up with sister Sophie who is visiting from Germany. She shares her marital woes, and Sophie recommends letting things remain status quo with Peter Gunz and Tara Wallace if she loves him so much. She certainly shouldn't patiently wait around for him to grow up because that is never going to happen!

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vpr-recap-kristen

Last night Vanderpump Rules crossed over with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and met their match with drunken shenanigans – almost. 

I have to say Jax Taylor was on fire last night with his one-liners. Is the dumb male model thing an act? Nah… I think Lisa Vanderpump was feeding him lines. 

Lisa tasks a select bunch of SURvians with hosting a very special elite dinner party filled with important guests. I don't know why she was acting like the over-botoxed trashboxes of RHOBH are anyone special, but I guess she gets paid to act accordingly. 

The specialtons are Stassi Schroeder, Jax, Tom 1, Ariana, and Katie Maloney. Peter Madrigal gets to play the role of hot overlord. OK – so he's the manager, aka adult babysitter. 

Working with your friends is fun – except when your friends don't act like friends! Tom is all pissy-panties that Jax has been spreading rumors that he hooked up with Ariana in Vegas three years ago. Tom complains that Jax gossips and lies about his friends but then apologies. Basically Jax is male version of Stassi then?

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rhobh-recap

Aaaahhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There comes a time in every recappers tenure when she is just beyond blown away by what appeared before them on the screen. And taking one's mother-in-law to Hustler and grinding on them has knocked me over. 

Carlton Gebbia takes her hubby David along with her mother-in-law to Hustler to choose lingerie for her "playroom". Listen – I mean the storyline is gross as is, but you couldn't pick a classier place than Hustler? 

Carlton is like thongs – no big – my mum-in-law has pulled babies out my vagina. Then she proceeds to educate MIL on what "DTF" means and huffs the F— word in the ladies face like she's going to vampire her. This is a preclude to the main event where Carlton puts on a teeny-tiny bikini and drops it like it's hot on her MIL's lap. Apparently her MIL accepts Carlton because David loves her. David needs inpatient therapy.

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