Recaps

sleazy zino's lhh atl

Last night's Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta highlighted the opening of Stevie J. and No-Neck's new venture…and I am going to venture a guess that we didn't even see the tiniest portion of the real drama that occurred that night! Sleazy and Zino's Bistro and Bar is becoming an actuality. Stevie and Benzino have brought their ladies to check out the space. Joseline Hernandez has grand plans to perform at the club once a week–maybe nightly–because everyone loves seeing what she has to offer. She bonds with Benzino's new love Althea, warning her that Karlie Redd will be back for No-Neck's money given the opportunity. The women laugh over the fact that Althea used to "hang with" Mimi Faust's sex tape co-star back in the day. I just don't get what is so appealing about Nikko. Joseline has heard that Althea gets around, so this news isn't surprising to her. Across the space, Sleaze and Zeen toast to their nightlife endeavor, and Benzino reveals his grand plans to propose to Althea. I cannot get to Atlanta fast enough to belly up to the bar at this magnificent establishment.

Rasheeda's grand plans to make Kirk Frost jealous with a girls' trip to New Orleans are quickly deteriorating. Kirk doesn't think that his wife needs to be out partying when she should be home tending to their son. At least he's finally claiming paternity! Rasheeda can't understand why it was perfectly fine for him to have a threesome at Benzino's cabin, but she can't take off for Mardi Gras for a few days. The couple is taking son Karter for a check-up, and Kirk wants the doctor to tell Rasheeda just how bad it is for her mother to kiss Karter on the mouth. The doctor shares that young babies are definitely receptive to germs, and she discourages them from allowing anyone to kiss the baby on the mouth. Perhaps she should also warn Kirk that it is probably unsanitary for Karter to be chewing on his gold chain as well. 

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kuwtk-ladies

Sunday night we saw the premiere of Keeping up with the Kardashians. We learned that Kourtney lacks emotions, Khloe likes talking about Vajay-jay’s, Kim loves Kanye mirrors and Kris is still dying to be the fourth Kardashian sister.

The episode starts with Khloe talking about her divorce and how she is handling it. Her description of how she is dealing with it sounds a lot like denial. Khloe decides jumping on her trampoline and hanging out at Casa de Kris is the best way to combat an ugly divorce, that and constantly referencing how her va jay-jay is trying to swallow her itty bitty daisy dukes. Yes Khloe, we’ve all seen your camel toe. Side note: did Khloe just say Kim looks like Paula Abdul? Poor Paula, she doesn’t deserve that.

Mama Joyce is out of control

Last night on Kandi's Wedding there were lions, and tigers, and Mama Joyce… Oh my! 

Kandi Burruss' ideas about planning a wedding in 5 weeks are as crazy as Joyce's ideas about, well, anything – but most specifically Todd Tucker. Last night was illuminating because it seems Mama Joyce gave Kandi's father Titus 'The Todd Treatment' way back when they were married! So let's dive right in – it's juicy, but in the manner of a car crash or Lindsay Lohan wandering around Rodeo Drive sans panties. 

Kandi meets her dad for dinner to see if he'd be willing to officiate her ceremony. He is of course in agreement. Kandi reveals that for many years following her parents' divorce Titus, now a pastor, was barely around and she did not see him for years. And it turns out that likely has everything to do with V For Vendetta: The Mama Joyce Modus Operandi.

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kody boyfriend

So we've got a new opener for Sister Wives…not the words, but at least the outfits. That's a plus right? Some wives are happy while the others are doing what they should be doing…freaking out at the revelation that they are in this polygamist situation while cameras watch…

Several children and Meri Brown are celebrating their birthdays. If you ever have enough children to infringe on your special day MORE THAN ONCE, I'd venture to say you're having too many children. Kody Brown is grilling out for the birthdays, and in anticipation of his birthday and his anniversary with Janelle. Christine could care less about birthdays, she just wants to grow My Sister Wives Closet with some investors. Gracious. There are people who want to put their money into this situation? Christine is channeling her inner Martha Stewart when thinking about what "their brand" can accomplish.

Kody and his hair are stressing about his wife house jumping, and Robyn Sullivan Brown is all about Kody bonding with her kids. Robyn and Kody bicker about her son having Aspergers. She wants to do what's best for him, while Kody thinks it was a ridiculous diagnosis. Let's forget about that gem for a bit, because there are a lot of birthday and anniversary celebrations to tend to in the meantime. Meri loves Keith Urban and she does everything in her power to straighten Kody's hair so he can be the Australian prototype she wants. At least line dancing is good for something!

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george molests kristen on rhony

I just want to get out of the way that Aviva Drescher's father George is disgusting. Now Ramona Singer is no slouch when it comes to inappropriate comments and unfathomable rudeness, but at least Pinot mostly restricts her mouth to inserting her pinot-soaked foot in it and spilling out gaffes of astonishing social ineptitude. George, on the other hand, takes it to the level of grotesque and I am frankly insulted that Bravo expected viewers to enjoy that.

In the midst of George and Ramona's argument last night on Real Housewives of New York, she was matched level-for-level with him in trashy, inappropriate comments, although Ramona's comments are as inappropriately lewd in terms of insulting rudeness as George's are in insulting sexual harassment. I'm not going to really repeat what was said save for the fact that if I were Ramona I'd be contacting the EEOC about harassment in the workplace! Yuck and yuck and more yuck!

It would have been nice if one of these two self-righteous hubris-obsessed blowhards could have taken the highroad instead of mutually sinking to an abhorrent level, but alas… not gonna happen right? In other news Sonja Morgan got drunk – send a press release! 

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Ladies of London Premiere - Clash Of The Titles

Last night was the series premiere of Ladies of London. I'm interested, although I wish there were more Brits than Americans living in London. I deal with enough American famewhores, I want to learn about some international ones! 

Right away we meet the doyenne of the franchise Caroline Stanbury. Caroline is authentic British aristocracy and royalty. She owns and runs a luxury concierge service and lives in a massive home down the street from Brangelina. She's fabulously British and serves as the show's narrator of all things Brit and Class. I imagine her holding a clipboard, Burberry cat eyes perched on her nose, as she scores all the infractions of social impropriety. Basically you can tell within 6 seconds of her meeting the American caste of her class that she regrets getting involved in this nonsense and feels it's her duty to separate herself in everyway possible from their gauche behavior. 

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heather and shannon make peace

Oh the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County – what are we going to do with them? I mean, Vicki Gunvalson is choking on national TV and Heather Dubrow is doing photo shoots for her 'holiday card' in front of a dumpster. These gals… 

So yes, Shannon Beador and Heather think their holiday cards are on par with the White House's in terms of preeminent importance. Shannon tells us that people look forward to her card every year and Heather gives a gushing speech about what it represents to her family (Time immemorial? Neil deGrasse Tyson joke!). They both hire full glam crews and professional photography teams to make these visions come to life. I think I saw Anna Wintour scuttling around behind the ladder in Heather's shoot. 

It's nice to know that I have some things in common with these two wealthy beacons of the upper echelons – because even though I take my holiday photo with an iPhone, my kids misbehave just as much as Heather and Shannon's do! Anyway, Heather is taking her card in what looks like the parking lot of a storage facility. Maybe since they're between mega mansions she's going for homeless chic? 

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love hip hop atl scrap sexts

Get the Emmys ready, the crew of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta is all about the heavily scripted drama these days, and it gets more and more obvious each week. Let's get started with the recapped madness, shall we? 

Because Mimi Faust cares far too much about her ex's marital status to Joseline Hernandez, Benzino believes the best way to squash their beef is to facilitate a meeting with Mimi, Stevie J., and Dawn. Seriously, how did Dawn land a role on this show? There are so many extras getting screen time this season, it's confusing! Sleazo arrives ready to shut down the Inspector Gadget asses who are hell bent on taking down Hip Hop Weekly. Stevie promises 'Zino that he and Joseline are, in fact, married, but Mimi wants the magazine to print a retraction. Stevie thinks that Mimi must still love him to go to all of this trouble, and he taunts her with his best rat face, saying that he's his own country who doesn't need to follow the laws–or marriage license filings–of the regular folk. He stutters again on his wedding date. So, this is what makes a story line? Geez, Mona. You should've run with the sex tape for a few more episodes!

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