This is the story all about how, Real Housewives Of Atlanta got turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute – just sit right there – to tell you how I became the princess of an African who isn’t really there.
In Hotlanta born and raised, married to money, living in debt was where I spent most of my days. Fillin’ out maxin out AmEx all cool and starting gossip outside The Bailey School. When a couple of unmarrieds who were up to no good started making trouble in my Housewives hood. I got in one little affair with an African, the bitches got loud and said I’m stealing your crown.
I yelled and threatened day after day, to drag her MISS- WHO-S-A title down in shame. So I packed my Firkin and sent us all on plane. Buzzin’ on moscato and throwing’ out shade, I snapped a pic on my iPhone, and said, “I might as well tweet it, but the friendships still fake.’
We start the show with Jordanna James visiting Misty Irwin to hear her big news: Misty is going to walk in a fashion show in a $100 bill skirt and crop top. Jordanna confesses that she’s going to be walking in the same show and Misty’s not happy about her thunder just being stolen. Misty’s all “well, if you wanna do it then do it.” But she looks like she’s going to punch Jordanna in the face while she’s saying it. Meanwhile, Dawn is taking Lila to the gym to get her into healthier activities now that Lila has recommitted to her sobriety. Lila apologizes for basically calling Dawn an alcoholic too (at Lila’s recent intervention), but Dawn’s a$$ is still chafing at the accusation. Dawn pledges not to drink around Lila to support her recovery, though she calls out Jazmin for not speaking up during the intervention as much as she should have. Lila sees Dawn’s shady motives in throwing Jazmin under the bus, but leaves it alone for now.
I know I sound like a broken record season after season after season (or is it all just one neverending season?), but could this be the longest ever season of Dance Moms? After the great video showdown of 2015, the ALDC has returned to Pittsburgh after a victorious stint in Los Angeles. Abby Lee Miller is true to form with her nastiness and self-pity, but of course her bad behavior is magnified thanks to Lifetime adding Cathy’s Candy Apples into the mix. The moms are (surprisingly!) getting along, and while they don’t love the cold weather, they are happy to be home…for a week at least. Melissa wonders if it could be their last Pittsburgh pyramid. She seems to think that when Abby heads back to L.A. next week (we deserve frequent flier miles just for watching!), it will be for good.
Not only is there a competition this week, there is also a dance convention where the dancers could win scholarships. The moms inform their girls that not only will the Candy Apples be trying to beat them, but Ava and her mom Jeanette will be at the competition as well. Poor Kendall says what her teammates are thinking…it’s never a fun competition week with Abby when Cathy is involved. At pyramid, Abby gushes over Maddie’s Grammy’s performance (as she should, it was amazing), saying she got more applause than Madonna. Does she really want to get on Madge’s bad side? Maddie also dishes on behind the scenes of the awards show, and Holly feels the need to interrupt to proclaim that Nia will be having a premier party for her video at the dance convention thanks to her recent video? Really, Holly? Why? I try to defend you, but you’re not making it easy! Even Nia looks like she wants her mother to stop her one-upping. Holly extends an invitation to the studio, but Melissa can’t make it because she has dinner plans. Joke’s on you, Melissa–it’s a daytime event.
Someone at the Real Housewives Of New York emporium got a little too liberal with the Sex And The City DVDs this season. I’ve been missing my vintage Carrie Bradshaw as much as the next former 20-something girl of a certain millennium, but do we really need to re-live her life starring Carole Radziwill in My So-Called Reality Show? (Another gem of my generation).
While Carole is busy cosplaying Carrie, the other girls are busy being Housewives and starting high velocity fights over wrangled pretenses and loose indignations. Carole is riding bikes in heels around NYC, dating a boy who doesn’t wanna grow up, experimenting with drugs, getting munchies for KFC, losing her virginity <insert emoji here>, and rocking those Jordache jeans she saved all her babysitting money to buy. Life is good when mercury is in retrograde.
First of all, Kim sounds … off in the beginning; slurry and inarticulate with a glazed expression in her eyes as if she’s reciting from a teleprompter. I don’t think she was – I think it was rehearsed and she was desperate to stay “on message” of denial.
In classic Kim fashion, she was hours late for her sit-down with Dr. Phil leaving him waiting for the interview to start while she fussed over her appearance. Kim denies procrastinating and insists she was ready the whole time, apologizes insincerely. More classic Kim. Dr. Phil is prepared for Kim’s “controlling” behaviors and calls her out throughout the entire segment.
I hate Mondays, y’all. Or rather, I hate Mondays until I get my Southern Charm fix! Nothing is more hilariously rich than Ms. Pat using the phrase “bitch slapping,” am I right? As the recaps for this bourbon and bow-tied deliciousness are a tad verbose for my liking, let’s get to the meat (medium rare dry-aged rib eye from Hall’s, naturally) without the pleasantries of an introduction, shall we?
After a big night out for Shepstradamus’ birthday, Kathryn Dennis is recovering on Jennifer Snowden’s sofa having gotten into a fight with tequila and losing to Jose Cuervo. Jennifer attempts to cure her friend’s hangover with “rich people water,” listening to Kathryn lament about her current situation with Thomas Ravenel. Kathryn doesn’t care if T-Rav is mad that she spent the night away from Kensington, she’s just so exhausted from trying to make things work. Kathryn thought they were a team, but Sandy Duncan is hellbent on causing a rift between the couple with her campaign planning mojo. Across town, Shepard “Shep” Rose calls Landon Clements as he struggles to iron his shirt on the corner of his bedside table. He’s getting ready to show his mother the progress on his house, and he needs to look presentable. Who was as surprised as I was to learn that Shep owns an iron? And who found it as adorable as I did when he joked he was holding out for the right ironing board? Season 2 Shep is head and broad shirtless shoulders above his season 1 counterpart! Mama Shep is everything you’d expect her to be, and she’s a bit concerned about his transitional neighborhood. Reminding us that he’s still a bit of a douche, Shep points out a neighbor’s Audi that he promises isn’t stolen. Mama Shep has already bought the home’s furnishings (she still dresses him for goodness sake!), and she urges him to get an oven, if not for soup then at least for resale value. Now that Shep has a house, she’s ready for him to lock down a spouse. Shep admits that he has an upcoming date…that’s a start!
From what I understand from you dear readers, we won’t be seeing Joseline Hernandez on the first few episodes of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta due to her behavior on last season’s reunion. It’s kind of like when I got suspended from cheering in one high school football game for being late to practice one too many times. Breaking bottles over people’s heads, tardiness…both valid reasons to use suspension as a punishment. Lessons learned in both cases for sure! At least we can count on Stevie J, Lil Scrappy, and Kirk Frost’s antics to entertain us in her absence, right? At least Rasheeda is now aware of Kirk’s secret downtown “office”!
Last night’s episode of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta begins with Stevie confronting Nikko in a dark parking lot. Both men pretend to push one another (with nary contact made) before being dramatically pulled apart by the production team. Thankfully, the other guys on this show are acting more like gentlemen. Yung Joc is dressed for the part of day at the driving range with Scrappy and Kirk. Scrappy admits he’s more strip club than golf course. Joc is in a serious relationship with Khadiyah, and Kirk questions how many children his friend has total, crossing his fingers that someone besides Stevie has more kids than he does. Joc has eight in his brood, including two sets of twins (whose moms were pregnant at the same time). Pheeww! Kirk breathes a sigh of relief…he’s only got six kids and four grandchildren. Kirk reveals that he’s been hanging with his artist Ashley, who he met at a sports club…just like his last lady “friend,” but it’s totally professional no matter how attractive he finds her. He also tells his friends that Rasheeda has no clue about his downtown crib and money problems. As only Scrappy can (unintelligibly and sans subtitles), he warns his friend to not to mix biz-nigh-ee with banging.
NeNe Leakes has 99 problems… and they’re all her fault! Her problems include: wigs, friendships, successes, rejection of Claudia Jordan, saying what she said because she said it… NeNe’s refrain throughout the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion, was “You’re right, I’m wrong.” Probably. No, it’s not NeNe who has a million problems – it’s RHOA… This was supposed to be the SEASON 7 reunion, but almost everything discussed was a SEASON 6 issue. Dejaview!
The only things different are Apollo is incarcerated and Claudia is lapping up everyone’s storyline dregs like she’s been through the dessert on a stallion booty with no name and it’s been good to get into the shade. In Atlanta no one can remember your name unless you try extra hard with the reads and the complaints!
Let’s talk outfits: Porsha Williams‘ was the worst – it looked like a cheap shower curtain. And that train! That girl and her issues with trains. #UndergroundRailroad.