Last night Real Housewives Of Atlanta returned to us and brought with it Sheree Whitfield! (Which means I get to bust out my trusty #SheByShebroke hashtag again. YESSSSS.) And like two cats in an alley fighting over the remaining sardine of a storyline, Kenya Moore and Sheree are going at it, clawing at each other over who is more delusional and broke.
There is no greater irony than Kenya throwing Sheree’s delusional behavior in her face. Need I remind you all about Krayonce’s Rent-A-Boyfriends 1, 2, and 3, the charade of Life Twirls On, her fake booty, mystery African princes, Walter, and eviction from the home she so-called ‘owned’… But oh, how I adore that Kenya has met her match in shade, delusion, and sheer desperation to GO. THERE. in Sheree! These two are going to be an explosion of delight this season. And I am here for it – popcorn ready. To quote Kenya, “Nom, nom, nom…”
On this week’s 90-Day Fiance, battle lines are being drawn. Lorenand Alexei, who’s just flown to Florida from Israel, move in with Loren’s parents (for reasons that are still somewhat clear as mud), but Loren isn’t so sure she’s ready to make space in her closet for Alexei yet. Um, what about space in her life? As a travel-weary Alexei tries to settle in while Loren yips and giggles at him about “invading her space!” he makes it plain that he is not up for this sort of forced banter yet, ultimately throwing his bags wherever he pleases before sitting down to have a drink with Loren’s parents.
Loren’s father isn’t thrilled that Alexei is sharing a room with his daughter just beyond the paper walls of their shared condo, so he uncomfortably lays down the laws of his land: he doesn’t want to see It or hear It. “It” being nookie, they presume. That is all. Welcome home, Alexei! Drink up, dude.
Last night’s Sister Wives introduced us to Madison Brown’s now-fiance Caleb, and it teased us about next week’s finale that has Meri rehashing her catfish situation. There is certainly going to be plenty of fodder for the reunion! The family is heading off to Alaska for a vacation, and Logan and Madison are both taking their significant others. Logan reveals that he still plans on only having one wife, and his girlfriend Michelle jokes that she doesn’t plan on sharing her husband with anyone. Madison is head over heels with Caleb, and she admits that he has been interested in her since they first met when she was seventeen. Of course, due to their ten year age gap, he didn’t pursue her back then.
Kody and Robyn head to their sonogram appointment to find out the sex of the baby. The family’s consensus seems to be that Robyn is having a girl, but TLC needs to drag out the reveal for a story line. Upon arriving in Alaska, the kids are running around, and Garrison does the unthinkable. He complains that Kody and crew are too lenient with Solomon, comforting him when they should be disciplining him. Kody booms that he is the parent and he doesn’t need to Garrison criticizing his parenting skills. Garrison retorts that he wasn’t criticizing, he was advising. Kody doesn’t like being called out by his son…who is right, by the way. Logan is concerned that his giant family is going to overwhelm his poor girlfriend.
Season 7 was supposed to be about moving on, moving forward, and finally leaving the past behind, but instead it often felt as if we were experiencing Deja-View. As in didn’t we already cover Kenya Moore vs. Phaedra Parks arguing over Whoregate and Apollo Nida?
Of course not everything was the same – speaking of Apollo – in the middle of the season he self-surrendered to federal prison in Lexington, KY to begin serving an 8-year fraud sentence.
Finally. Last night was the season finale of Don’t Be Tardy, so we had to bid farewell to chef Tracy. Don’t cry. It’s Bravo. She’ll be back. They’ll all be back. That said, if Brielle gets a job at E! News, I officially give up…on everything. Plus, I have a big birthday coming up, and every time I watch this show and remember that Kim Zolciak Biermannclaims to be is a few years younger than I am, I want drown my sorrows in some of her sparkling raspberry moscato. If you’ve had it, you know how badly this realization is for me.
The episode begins with KJ and Kroy building a kite. Kroy is heading off to camp with the Falcons which makes KJ the f$%#&* head of the household. KJ has it covered. He plans to chain Brielle in her room for at least a week. Smart kid. Meanwhile, Brielle and Slade are debating how much a ton weighs, and Kim and Kroy are taking the couple to Kim’s favorite psychic, Rose, so they can figure out the future of their relationship. Kim loves the psychic so much, Kaia’s middle name is Rose. Rose predicts that Brielle will have three kids, a wonderful husband and good fortune…and it’s starting next year. Rose reads Slade’s palm and also sees a marriage within a year. Slade jokes that it will be a really tiny ring then.
We did it! We made it to the bitter end of a season which can best be described in one word: Mattgate. To tie a bow on the whole package, we must tirelessly slog through Part Two of this season’s Little Women: LA reunion, however. And how could we do that without focusing on the man, the myth, the legend – Briana Manson’s newest husband, Matt himself?
In Part One of the reunion, we ended with the dramatic entrance of Makayla, the woman who Matt sent photos of his nether-regions to while he was in a relationship with Briana. Whether Matt and Briana were on a break when the photos were sent, or whether the photos actually caused the break has yet to be clarified. (And if Briana has it her way, it will likely never be clarified, as she’s talked out of both sides of her mouth on this issue for some time now.)
“Take a picture, trick, I’m on a boat, b*tch; we drinking Santana champ, ’cause it’s so crisp. I got my swim trunks, and my flippie-floppies; I’m flippin’ burgers, you at Kinko’s straight flippin’ copies.” This Lonely Island song is perfection. No seriously, take a picture. Take one million pictures…and post them all on Instagram! And those copies of which you sing, are they perhaps copies of friendship contracts? Last night’s Below Deck epitomized Bravo’s love of a crossover. Forget the Bailey Agency and wild rice, Real Housewives of Atlanta’sCynthia Bailey was all about the Eros!
After the fire that ended Eyebrows McEgo’s reign in the Eros kitchen, chef Leon Walker is out, and Ben Robinson is back in the galley…and in the opening credits! As the crew gets ready for their latest charter, Ben gets all judgy about Leon’s science experiment he called a refrigerator. Connie Arias is all googly-eyed over Ben, but he’s too busy throwing away rotting vegetable to notice. On deck, Eddie Lucas is thrilled to see Dave from season one, and he’s just as adorable as I remember. He’s saving up for his wedding to his equally precious boyfriend, and Captain Lee Rosbach can’t hide his glee at the new addition. Dave is introduced to Kate Chastain, Amy Johnson, Emile, Koutze, and Rocky “Raquel” Dakota Bartlow. Someone quick tell her he’s gay before she tries to make him her next victim!
Last night was the premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I love this show! I love Tom 1 and Tom 2 on their rollerskates, reenacting Boogie Nights Returns: The Wind In My Perm: A Post-Porn Love Story To Decades Of Duos. I love that Scheana Marie Famewhore is now selling Sir Hubs A Lot up ish creek because all the spotlights in all the world need to be focused on her Madonna-adled fantasies (And Scheana ain’t no virgin – just ask Brandi Glanville!) And I love Kristen Doute being the new Stassi Schroeder; stomping around the outskirts of SUR, screaming about how mature she is now that she’s done with this waitressing thingie. T-shirt Lines are the new Statement Necklaces!
So let’s recap this bitch!
First things first, Jax Taylor is a plastic surgery addict, which means he’s gonna end up on Botched trying to undo his Bieber recreation makeover. Jax had had his THIRD nose job – this one to remove minuscule lumps that were a blight to his once perfect profile. He’s also got a nasty 6″ Frankenstein scar running down his forehead. Was he actually undergoing a lobotomy to forget his past as the premiere male supermodel and living incarnate of Zoolander?