Ariana Madix

Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval on WWHL

Ariana Madix must feel like a kindergarten teacher most days – you know, that moment when you look around and notice that you are literally the ONLY adult in the room? Despite this phenomenon, the Vanderpump Rules star says she’s been fairly happy with how this season has gone thus far, and with the fan feedback she’s been getting. But she does warn that things are about to get crazier (than usual?) during the second half of season five – and that she’ll inevitably get caught up in the madness.

Of the mid-season VPR trailer released this week, Ariana says, “It looks really intense. It’s funny, because everything has been pretty good so far, but now I’m getting kind of nervous for the rest of the season. It’s really ramping up.”

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Ariana at Katie's Bridal shower

So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…

So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.

This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.

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tom-ariana

The only two sane people left on Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix, were Andy‘s guests tonight on Watch What Happens Live. They covered a variety of topics, including Lala Kent, James Kennedy, Scheana Marie‘s mystery man and more!

Andy plays clips from Kristen Doute‘s comedy sketch and asks Ariana for her thoughts. She very diplomatically says, “I think it’s cool when people work hard on their thing and put it out there. It’s a harsh world out there, so there’s going to be some positive and there’s going to be some negative opinions.”

Stassi in Montak

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, we learned that Stassi Schroeder‘s problems with men run deep. Like down in the beautiful, briny sea deep. She’s also being strangled in turtleneck-form by her own ill-advised hubris.

Now, I must do a disclaimer with this recap: Do not expect my usual greatness of prose mixed with pearls of wisdom, as I have the worst cold I have ever had in my human existence. And I feel like garbage. Like what Tequila Katie (minus Tom 2) may smear on Scheana Marie‘s overly-contoured face.

Can we talk about Scheana? Ho-ly does that girl need a ‘stink face’ removal procedure. Didn’t anyone warn her that her face will freeze that way if she makes a poop face immediately after getting Botox? I mean, I get it – she has a hard-earned summer body to protect, but lighten up and eat a lil’ clam. I hear Kristen Doute loves them.

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Ariana & Brittany in Sonoma

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.

First up, Ariana Madix grabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.

But first there was the drama over The Missing Lala.

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lisa-rinna-harry

Our favorite reality stars have been sharing a mish-mash of social media photos this week. They’ve been sharing Christmas snaps, kid pics, out and about pics and more. We’ve rounded up the best of Instagram this week.

Above, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin get cutesy on Christmas. “Merry Christmas to you and your families! We feel so blessed and grateful! Love to you all!”

We also have Erika Jayne performing for Christina Aguilera’s birthday, Yolanda Hadid reflecting on how her life has changed in the past year, and Teresa Giudice celebrating the holidays with Melissa Gorga. We’ve also got photos of Melissa Gorga hanging out with former Real Housewives of New York star Jules Wainstein.

There are new photos of Meghan King Edmonds basking in baby bliss with daughter Aspen, Real Housewives of Potomac star Gizelle Bryant snapping pics with Shahs of Sunset star Mercedes Javid and more! See them all below!

Lisa fires James again

Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!

Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.

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pump-rules

Happy Wednesday. Take a break from your last minute holiday shopping and check out our new roundup of reality star instagram pics! We’ve got snaps from the Vanderpump Rules cast, Southern Charm, former RHOBH star Yolanda Hadid, Teen Mom dad Jeremy Calvert and more, including Ariana Madix and Scheana Marie bumping butts. Oh and Brandi Glanville in a bikini.

Above: Kristen Doute captioned this photo with, “Three babes, one super-sized brain #pumprules.”

Check out the photos below!