Therapy by Bravo continues, y'all! This time involving a poor innocent horse in its nonsense.
Last night the intransigent Real Housewives of New Jersey gang continued their journey to togetherness in Arizona. While some people seemed to really be soaking in all the free psychological healing Bravo was throwing their way, others really dug their heels into the delusion. I'ma lookin' at you Teresa GiudiceandMelissa Gorga!
Things begin with Melissa complaining that there's too much like progress happening. She croaks out that she's much prefer to sit by the pool and hock up phlegm while drinking cocktails and rocking yet another fringe bikini. Instead they'll be heading to a horse barn for a therapeutic exercise about being vulnerable and trusting others. Melissa wonders if she can wear a fringe bikini.
Outside JacquelineLaurita is relaxing with some spiked orange juice and talking to husband Chris about Teresa's "karma" comment. Jacqueline obsesses over whether or not Teresa was making a dig. Chris doesn't seem to think she was but admits that one never knows with that tricky Teresa. And he's known Teresa since the days when Jacqueline was a lowly Vegas stripper so he's kinda like an expert on Tre's crazy, thanks to Dina.
No matter what happens,Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey will always end up smelling as sweet as a product from her Milania hair care line…at least in her own mind! After a very Zen like trip to Arizona, Teresa is still catching heat for her role (she had nothing–NOTHING–to do with it!) in Melissa Gorga stripper-gate, as well as the Karma-will-come-back-your-kids comment she made to Jacqueline Laurita. To be totally honest, I never thought Tre was targeting little Nicolas with that statement…not because she's not that mean, but because she's not that quick on her feet! I kid.
SomeoneTeresa takes to her Bravo blog to set the record straight. She begins, "I was really happy after the Milania Hair Care party, because I felt like Penny had put the rumors about me being involved in any Melissa rumors to rest once and for all. Apparently, though, she didn't. I guess no one could. My brother and Melissa are going to believe whatever they want to believe — even if dead people are telling them!"
So everyone is pretending they like each other to head out to Arizona and celebrate Melissa Gorga's birthday at some spa retreat. Melissa isn't feeling too good – I think what Melissa is coming down with is a bad feeling of impending drama…
Before everyone packs up their sequin-sucking chuckalina bathing suits, Teresa Giudice is doing a cooking demo at the mall for the 85 & Older Club. I mean seriously, yeah spinach will probably save your life but you likely have to start eating it before you're eligible for AARP.
Kathy Wakile shows up to support whatever it is Teresa is doing with olive oil, bread, and loud rambling. I remain focused on her hair. It's literally a hair helmet (hairmet?) at this point, all plasticy and just perched there. I'm perplexed. So is Wallpaper; she's confused about how all of the sudden Teresa is absolved of her sins? Kathy tells her, 'It's not like a sponge, Tre, you can't just wipe it over the mess with some kitchen cleaner and have it be gone. This is like a big mess – like you need a hazmat team, but hey – let's go heal on another Vacations By Bravo. Free shit is free shit, right?!' Cannoli and Wine for the Jersey Woman's Soul by Kathy!
In it, Jacqueline reminds herself for three pages that her goal with Teresa was to be civil, not to mend their friendship. We got. Actually, we got it the first time you wrote it! Likewise, she explains for several paragraphs pages why she felt the need to get the tummy tuck. I'll spare you the detailed description of her pre-surgery lingerie routine. You're welcome.
Of course, I am just giving Jacq a hard time, but I tried to only hit the highlights for you. I feel like Ross on that episode of Friends…"Yes, you went on for eighteen pages…FRONT AND BACK!"
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about reinventing the old and making it new again. Make new frienemies, but keep the old… one is faux marble and the other is faux leopard!
Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita made up and by that I mean they vowed not to appear at anymore reunions wearing dresses where the sequins turned into poison darts and and scream cheating accusations at each other's husbands. So by making amends they decided to keep each other's secrets…
Oh and Jacqueline shed her old stripper skin in favor of some new skin that didn't have washed up tacky tattoos on it. When did getting plastic surgery become a requisite Housewives storyline?
Things begin with Teresa and Jacqueline continuing with their "tawk". Jacqueline is clearly flustered because she forgot her translucent powder and her blotting papers. Girl was shiny as a gold lame and her hair was all mussed. Maybe she and Teresa had some sort of knock-down, drag-out, rolling on the table brawl and the footage was accidentally damaged when some Fabellini got tossed on it and that's why we didn't see it? That would explain Jacq's shininess…
Jacqueline addressed the dinner meeting in her new blog this week. She first let it be known that she will NOT be discussing Teresa's troubles with the feds, much like Caroline Manzo's stance on WWHL. "I will not be publicly discussing anything relating to the recent news regarding Teresa and her family. I reached out to Teresa directly. I am strictly discussing the episode and how I felt at the time."
Last night's Real Housewives of New Jersey was all very…orange. From Caroline Manzo's hair as she bossed around her family and tried broker a treaty between Jacqueline Laurita and Teresa Giudice to Joe Gorga's billboard extravaganza, orange was definitely the color scheme. Thankfully, it's a color I like. What I don't like is all the underhanded quips and lack of accountability, but I've learned that behavior is par for the course with this crowd!
Melissa Gorga takes her boys to visit Joe at the job site and he gets a call asking him to model on a tanning salon billboard. Mel doesn't want to join him in his highway advertising debut because Tre once did a commercial for the same salon. What a throwback! Melissa doesn't want Teresa to assume she's copying her yet again. She's content just to drive the bulldozer. All of the bouncing and shrieking and "make it stop" is probably something Joe is used to hearing in the bedroom.
Teresa is hosting the first family dinner in ages. She has her girls help her prepare the table, and they are excited to see their cousins. Teresa asks the always entertaining Melania if she plans to cook for her husband when she grows up. Um no. Melania's husband will definitely be cooking for her.