Jeremy Calvert

Last night we were treated to two marriage themed episodes of Teen Mom.  So as to not cause our readers to overdose on all things Jenelle Evans, Kailyn Lowry, Chelsea Houska, and Leah Messer Sims Calvert, we're splitting up the recaps.  It's just our way of letting our wonderful readers recoup from one hour of the train wreck to the next.  All in all, it was a night of proposals, weddings, and tears made in MTV heaven. 

Jenelle and Gary are back in full romance mode, and her roommate questions whether Jenelle truly loves Gary or if she just hates being alone.  Jenelle assures her that she isn't with Gary just because he's in the military and will make good money.  He's good with Jace, and she just doesn't have the energy to look for another relationship.  Jenelle admits that they both pick fights on purpose because they love the drama.  All of those are wonderful reasons to stay with someone, right?  Her roommate begs Jenelle not to accept any marriage proposals from Gary because the two clearly aren't ready to get married.  Jenelle can't make any promises.

Speaking of marriage, Leah and Gary really want to get a loan on their dream house, and they are considering getting married at the courthouse before their actual planned wedding ceremony.  She informs her mom of their plan, and her mom is fine with their plan.  Her mom wants her to tell Corey beforehand, but she's excited when Leah asks her to be a witness.  After chatting with her mom, Leah shares her early wedding plans with her sister.

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This may sound a bit odd, but I've taken to thinking of Teen Mom 2 (actually the entire franchise) as MTV's personal Truman Show.  It's not true, it's just the network's way of punking everyone everywhere.  In fact, it's getting to be the only way I can rationalize these girls and their unapologetically abhorrent behavior (that includes you, Farrah Abraham!).  It has to be some sort of joke or satirical take on modern society, right? 

In my head, Jenelle Evans is using this as her doctoral thesis, and Leah Messer Sims Calvert is planning to use her footage to create a poignant yet ironic documentary on the importance of self-esteem and the teenage girl.  Kailyn Lowry is working undercover to fix glitches in the family court that allow one parent to abuse the legal system just to get back at the ex who scorned them…she's good at her job, by the way.  Finally, Chelsea Houska is having the last laugh, as she's actually fluent in eight languages (whining is the ninth!), and she's testing a scientific theory regarding how high pitched and nasally a voice must be before viewers press the mute button.  Well played, ladies.  Well played.  Too bad my alternate Teen Mom universe is just one blogger's sad delusions.  :) 

So, let's get to last night's episode, shall we?  Jenelle is recovering from her boob job, and she can't wait until she's fully recovered so she can spend some time with Jace.  Sadly, that won't happen until the poor child is at least eighteen.  Gary is taking good care of her, and Jenelle wants to talk about three things: 1) Kieffer; 2) what Gary thinks of her new ta-tas; and 3) Kieffer.  Oh, wait… Kieffer has been texting Jenelle, and Gary isn't willing to lose his "career" to fight with such a loser if he decides to come visit.  He'd rather get back to checking out Jenelle's new rack.

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I don't know about you, but I wish the producers of Teen Mom 2 would ban their little starlets from any type of social media and ban them from the tabloids…at least during the season.  I'd be a lot more inclined to root for Jenelle Evans if I didn't know what a train wreck she's become.  Also, I'd be more invested in Leah Messer Simms Calvert's love triangle and Kailyn Lowry's attempt to make Jo jealous if I didn't already know the ending.  As for Chelsea Houska, I'm glad to see that beauty school is going so well…but that's the only surprise of the season!

Kailyn is finished with school for the summer, and she's excited to spend more time with Javi and Isaac.  I'll give it to Javi…he's really great with Isaac.  Of course, she's yet to set up any kind of co-parenting counseling with Jo.  Kailyn is ready for Javi to move in since he's spent every night at her place for months.  Let's break it down…she's ready for Javi to stop freeloading and help with the rent and the cleaning.  Kailyn admits she doesn't want to hold against him the fact that she foots the bill should the two argue.  Again, I find it hilarious (and I know I write this every week!) that she wants a live-in boyfriend, yet Jo's girlfriend can't even be on the same premises as Isaac.  Kailyn is just ready to get married.  At twenty, she isn't getting any younger.  MTV needs a swift kick in the pants for glorifying these girls!

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I know I sound like a broken record with every recap of Teen Mom 2, but these girls are a broken record, so it's technically not my fault.  Jenelle Evans keeps going back to Keiffer (and weed), and Chelsea Houska just can't get Adam's name from escaping her mouth every two seconds.  Leah Messer Simms Calvert can't make up her mind between Corey and Jeremy, and Kailyn Lowry can't contain her growing jealously for Jo's girlfriend Vee.  It's the exact same thing every week…except they are wearing different PINK sweat pants!  Let's get started dishing on last night's episode, shall we?

Not surprisingly, Jenelle hasn't seen Jace or Barbara since she got off probation.  She and Keiffer are happy to be back together and smoking up a storm…even though she's trying to keep things under control.  Yeah, right.  She asks him what will be different this time around, and he assures her that it won't.  Um, what?  Kidding!  He's been in jail, and she's gone to rehab.  They have grown up so much.  Jenelle still wants to take things *slow.*

Kailyn and Jo are heading back to court to discuss custody.  She doesn't want Vee around Isaac.  Ever.  I hope the judge kicks Javi to the curb if he agrees to that.  Could she want a bigger double standard?  Jo calls to reveal that he is moving to New Jersey to be closer to work, but it won't affect any of the drop offs or custody arrangements.  He plans to stay with his parents whenever he has Isaac.  Kailyn sullenly reminds him that she will NOT drive an extra hour to accommodate his new living arrangement.  Jo politely reminds her that she won't have to…wasn't she listening thirty seconds ago?  He is also unsure whether Vee will be moving in with him.  Oh gracious!  Again, I love how Kailyn threatened to move to Texas so Jo wouldn't get to see Isaac often, yet Jo moving an hour away and changing nothing is so horrible.  Plus, hasn't she been complaining that he needs to move out of his parents' house?  At his new apartment, Jo shares his frustrations about Kailyn with Vee.  Jo isn't ready for Vee to move in yet.  Is he the most mature one on the show?

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Girls, girls, girls!  I have all but given up on the young "ladies" of Teen Mom 2.  Let's not even start with Jenelle Evans' recent rehab stint…let's just talk about the bad decisions they made in last night's episode alone!  Get it together, Kailyn Lowry!  Pick a guy, Leah Calvert Sims Messer!  Do something about your hair, Chelsea Houska!  And Jenelle?  In all seriousness.  Get off Twitter and get your life together for that precious little boy!  Whew…it felt good to get that off my chest! 

Last night's episode begins with Kailyn prepping for her first exchange with Jo in weeks.  She's had Isaac to herself for almost a month while waiting on their hearing.  Now that the protection from abuse order is dropped, she isn't excited to drop Isaac off because she knows that she and Jo won't speak.  Kailyn is livid thinking about the fact that Jo has his girlfriend around their son.  She puts Isaac before her, Javi and her friends…even when Javi is spending the night.  It's not the same as selfish Jo continuing to live with his family and hang out with Vee once a week.  Why can't anyone see the difference?  Geez!  I can't help but notice two things–Kailyn is getting very dolled up to see her ex, and she seems to be taking her tanning cues from Chelsea and Leah.  Orange you glad that Kailyn got a spray tan?  The trade-off is very tense, and Kailyn informs Jo that Isaac has a cold.  If he takes their son to the doctor, he'd better let her know!

Jenelle hasn't spoken to Gary since she found out that he hooked up with Tori before they started dating.  She's looking forward to getting off probation so she can fall back into the Keiffer trap.  He's texted her that it's them and Jace against the world.  Let's leave sweet Jace out of this, shall we Keiffer?  Her roommate wonders why Jenelle is even giving Keiffer the time of day.  She's re-evaluated the pros and cons between Keiffer and Gary, and while Gary has a job and a car, Keiffer is nice to her.  He's getting his act together…and by "getting his act together" she means that he's no longer incarcerated.

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Another day in the life of the girls of Teen Mom 2's craziness.  I feel like the girls are starting to morph into one another.  Leah Messer Simms Calvert is starting to act a lot like Chelsea Houska when it comes to getting over old boyfriends, and Kailyn Lowry is getting to know the inside of courtroom almost as familiarly as Jenelle Evans.  What is going on with these girls?  Let's get on with it, shall we?

It's been nearly two weeks since Kailyn or Isaac has seen Jo.  The hearing for her Protection From Abuse Order is coming up, and Kailyn is going to see her lawyer to prevent Jo from harassing her.  However, she admits to her friend that she really just filed it to prove her point.  Once at the attorney's office, her lawyer asks that her friend remove Isaac from the meeting so they aren't talking about his dad in front of him.  Kailyn suggests that the pair take anger management classes, and her attorney recommends a co-parenting class the two could take together.  Kailyn's eyes light up at the thought of it…more time with Jo!

At her new digs, Chelsea is caking on the make-up and trying not to think about the fact that Aunt Flo still hasn't made her monthly visit.  She hasn't talked to Adam since they hooked up, but Chelsea can't worry about him as it's her first day of beauty school and Aubree's first day of daycare.  She is such a cute little girl, and I only hope that her mother's whining won't screw her up for years to come.  You can practically see the excitement in Aubree's eyes as she's passed off to the daycare administrator.  "Freedom!"

It's hard for Jenelle to focus on schoolwork now that Kieffer's out of jail.  She explains to a friend that she would probably be with Kieffer if Gary wasn't in the picture, but Kieffer isn't what is best for her.  Gary has a job and a car, so he's clearly the mature choice. 

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MTV certainly didn't give us the opportunity to miss the girls of Teen Mom 2, did they?  Just last week, Dr. Drew Pinsky had his regular sit-down with Leah Messer Simms Calvert, Jenelle Evans, Chelsea Houska, and Kailyn Lowry.  While all the moms seemed to be in a better place when speaking with Drew (well, maybe not Leah's love triangle), they quickly remind us that the moments of normalcy and good decisions are fleeting with this bunch. 

Let's get started with the stupidity, shall we?  Chelsea's friend comes by to visit, and Chelsea whines that her IUD fell out the other day when she was going to the bathroom.  TMI.  Her friend inquires as to whether Chelsea saw her doctor, but Chelsea didn't have time…Adam came over to see her for the first time in ages.  Not shockingly, they pair ends up getting it on…sans condom, of course.  Don't worry, y'all.  She won't get pregnant because he pulled out before finishing.  TMITMITMITMI!!!!  I wonder how she thinks Aubree came to be…Her friend urges her to make better choices, and Chelsea whines that she doesn't have her normal "giddy for Adam" feelings.  That's definitely something to be proud of as you await your period, moron!

At least Kailyn is making better choices, right?  Oh wait…no.  She gets upset that Jo's girlfriend is over at his house when she drops off Isaac, and she and Jo get into a physical altercation that ends with her filing for a temporary order of protection from abuse.  Violence is not the answer, but I will never understand her double standard of allowing Javi around Isaac after one date while Jo's serious girlfriend is a problem.  Kailyn's friend Mark (who is totally in love with her) comes over to hear her story.  Mark tries to give her some sound advice, but she won't listen.  I can't believe the language she uses in front of her son.  Kailyn explains that she'll have temporary full custody until their hearing in two weeks.  Mark just seems totally befuddled at his friend's behavior.

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