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Tom Sandoval

kristen doute cannot let go of tom sandoval

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused. 

Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!

Stassi needs a job - because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachers Ariana’s bar).

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katie maloney learns of tom schwartz's cheating

Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.

Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!

In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!

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OK! Magazine's annual ‘SO SEXY’ event held at Lure Patio - Arrivals

Is there another Vanderpump Rules wedding in our future? Tom Sandoval recently revealed that he wants to marry his girlfriend Ariana Madix! 

“I cannot imagine my life without Ariana,” Tom 1 gushed. “It’s just explosive happiness for me on a daily basis.” I imagine degrading hell on daily basis was how he defined his previous relationship to Kristen Doute

Tom 1 reveals that he and Ariana have discussed marriage and it’s a strong possibility for the couple who has been together about a year. Somewhere Kristen is impaling herself on a curling iron or a stiletto heel. You know she’ll crash that wedding! 

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Lisa Andy WWHL

Did y’all catch the always fabulous and equally hilarious Lisa Vanderpump on Watch What Happens Live the other night? The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star is certainly no stranger to the clubhouse, but she certainly put Andy Cohen in his place more than once. Lisa turned the tables and interviewed Andy for a change, and the results were amazing!

Not only did Lisa put Andy in the hot seat, she even got him to apologize to her for she considered harsh treatment on the most recent RHOBH reunion. Of course, not wanting to endure the wrath of Queen Lisa, Andy happily obliged. Lisa chastised, “I didn’t feel you gave me a break. I don’t think you made everybody else answer to some of the things that had gone down on my behalf.”

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katie doesn't understand why tom 2 doesn't defend her.

On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!

Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeders side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 3

Kristen Doute is unable to let go of her relationship to Tom Sandoval, no matter how many times he blocks her on twitter! Kristen says at the root of her frustration is that Tom 1 has changed and she doesn’t like the fakery that she sees. 

“It’s fair for me to say that he isn’t the same guy I knew before. The way he acts and his relationship with Ariana seem very contrived,” the Vanderpumop Rules star argues. “For someone who says I’m not worth a thought, she certainly spends a lot of time talking about me.” Uhhhh… seriously, Kristen?!

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jax taylor gets a nose job

Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was the the Grownups VS. Real Grownups. The latter, a cult led by Stassi Schroeder. Immediately upon entering your fashion IQ drops at least 20 points. On the other hand, the Grownups is led by Scheana Marie Almost Famous and you basically need to be brain-dead (or Jax Taylor) to gain entry at all. But they are friendship tattoos!

Straddling the middle is Tom Schwartz. He so badly wants to be a Grownup, but Katie Maloney has him trapped in an invisible net - no one believes him when he reports himself as missing and kidnapped to the police. 

Here’s what Grownups do: they have panic attacks at their bartending job and flee the scene, sobbing. Here’s what Real Grownups do: they sit in a  corner hate-watching a group of people and passive-aggressively snarking on them behind-their-backs, but never actually say anything to their faces. You know, kind of what I do while I watch this show! The grownup is real, the grownup struggle is realer. 

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The Girlfriends Guide To Divorce - Season 1

It’s like an overdose of Bravolebrities in our new Friday photos roundup!  The reality stars were out in droves this week and we’ve got the picture proof of the good, the bad, and the just plain ugh!

Oodles of Bravo reality stars turned out for the L.A. premiere of the network’s first unscripted new show – Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce.  Among the attendees:  Shannon & David Beador, Tamra Judge, Melissa Gorga, Caroline Manzo, Teresa Aprea, Joe Gorga, Lauren Manzo, Nicole Napolitano, Amber and Jim Marchese and more. 

Also out and about at L.A. events: Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley (who finally hacked off that mop of hair!) attended the 2014 Eagle & Badge Foundation Gala at the Hyatt Regency, as well as Eddie Cibrian and Andi Dorfman

Over on the other coast, Camille Grammer and Kris Jenner were attending the New York Ball: The 20th Anniversary Benefit for the European School of Economics at Trump Tower. 

Also storming the red carpet in NYC: Kristen Taekman, Luis D. Ortiz and Heather Thomson as they showed up to support Sean Diddy Combs at the world premiere of the new Cîroc commercial in Times Square. 

Check out all the stars and their fab and not-so-fab fashions below!  

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