Everyone has returned from Miami in high spirits – Lisa Vanderpump is impressed they managed to take a vacation without killing Scheana. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix even believe Tom’s talk with Kristen has given her the closure she needs and everything is peaceful. That peace, is the quiet before the storm, sadly.
Scheana Marie Almost Famous has anointed herself as diplomat of SUR and plans to ask Lisa for a raise after all the good work she did using penis straws to reunite the group. Poor Stassi is left out in the cold. She hasn’t just been shivering outside, pressing her face against the window and drooling over the fried goat cheese balls, she’s been beading! Stassi has been hustling! She’s not just living off her parents! Stassi’s real hustle is convincing people to actually interact with her.
Kristen Doute‘s full-scale psychosis raised massively huge serious red flags on this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. Kristen attempts to explain herself by blaming everyone else and continues to spin more otherworldly delusion.
First of all Kristen insists Ariana Madix was doing mean things too! Like we’re all 6 and playing tattle-tale. How about stop stalking her and Ariana might stop giving you dirty looks?! “I won’t deny the occasional (and admittedly immature) dirty look or side comment towards Ariana, but we both played it the same way.”
“She says Jax would sleep with ‘anything’ as an attempt to insult me, but yet she’s dating my ex?” complains Kristen. “For someone who’s so above me, she certainly spends a lot of time talking about me. The victim game she was playing with her crocodile tears in the cab blew my mind. Are we watching the same show?“
Sometimes when I write these recaps I wish I had more time to ponder the happenings. I get myopic vision and tunnel in on certain ideas, then I read or see something else and it’s like: aha! How did I miss that? But alas, the world of blogging moves swiftly and there is no time for deep consideration about reality TV.
Tom Sandoval is permanently juggling two crazies at one time: his ex-girlfriend Kristen Doute and his betraying BFF Jax Taylor. You would think after all the years of enabling he’d have gotten a system down, but it turns out until recently the he hasn’t been standing up for himself, but now he is.
According to Tom 1, Jax, much like Stassi Schroeder, believes doesn’t understand that friendship works two-ways. “When I called Jax out about the San Diego girl, I was doing so because in the past — if and when Jax has ever had the smallest piece of dirt on Schwartz or I — he has embellished on it and then gone on to tell anyone with two ears,” the Vanderpump Rules star explained. “Then when confronted on this embellished dirt that he has had, he’s denied it to our face.”
Last night the over-grown adolescents of Vanderpump Rules made the trek to Miami for Scheana Marie‘s bachelorette party. Naturally the thing to do is to also invite your Maid of Honor’s mortal enemy, who also happens to be on the FBI watch-list for stalking – just to make sure everyone has an unforgettable time! If Kristen Doute were a superhero her power would be stealing fun. Except Kristen is not a superhero – she’s a super villain.
Packing for the trip Shay, the lumbering manhulk of sullen drudgery, finally speaks. Holding up a pair of flamboyant swim trunks, he looks down at his open suitcase, then at Scheana and mumbles, “This is really setting in right now.” Yep – one step closer to being Mr. Scheana Marie Almost Famous. Score!
The other problematic goings-on is Jax Taylor. Just that very morning Jax apparently ran head-first into a glass door, busting open his forehead. Now he looks even more like a scientific experiment where the world’s most attractive man is turned into a Frankenstein monster of evil. Peter recognizes this is not gonna be good.
Ariana Madix usually doesn’t let the nonsense of Vanderpump Rules phase her too much. As the general port of calm in the storm, she refrains from mixing herself up in the drama of insane asylum inmates populating Lisa Vanderpump‘s restaurant.
But last week’s episode? That was the episode that made Ariana snap. Apparently it had to do with birthdays, Jax Taylor‘s lies, and Stassi Schroederacting like they’re all nobodies to her elevated status of fully actualized adult human being.
Is anyone confused about what is going on with Stassi Schroeder? She was always a delusional, self-righteous, self-important mess, but this season of Vanderpump Rules she is missing a link. Also, not getting it: Jax Taylor who continues to have terrible troubles with the truth!
Since Stassi doesn’t rank as important this season she doesn’t get a fancy trip to celebrate her birthday – instead it’s a wine tasting with all of her “friends” from SUR. Stassi believes this means she’s “growing up.” because she’s celebrating her birthday without tantrums and whiny hissyfits. OK, then.
Does denial grow on trees in sunny California? What about psychosis? I mean, it must, right if Vanderpump Rules is any indication of life in LA. Last night Katie Maloney had an awakening and Tom Sandoval had a’shakening when he realized that Kristen Doute really is stalking him and he is going to end up the subject of a cautionary tale seen on Lifetime. Hey – I’d watch, but only if they cast an actor with better hair.
Lisa Vanderpump is swanning around Villa Blanca, pruning roses, whistling while she works, conversing with birds when one of her 7 gnomes – Sleazy – arrives. Jax Taylor is just hoping for some free food – and some permission to start “banging” the new hostess Vail. Lisa immediately attempts to put the breaks on that notion by snipping the pruning sheers near Jax’s poker.
Before Lisa even has the opportunity to take off her transparent unicorn leather gardening gloves (special edition Gucci), gnome 2 – Sniffly – arrives to burst in to tears. Katie blames being allergic to decent human beings and scents other than stale booze for her watery eyes. She tells Lisa that Tom 2 would rather have Jax in his life than Katie, but she doesn’t want to be alone. What if she turns into Kristen?!