Real Housewives Of Atlanta Season Finale Recap: Peace Out Dickland!

Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.

Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?

NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.

And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared…  She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.

Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.

Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal,  shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!

Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….


The first man had a taco meat chest that was very unappetizing. The second man was wearing a twelve-year-old boy’s boxers and was probably about 18 himself. The third man was hot as can be and hired on the spot. And the rest were a team of professional male pleasure administrators otherwise known as gigolos. They massaged the ladies while feeding them snacks, and Phaedra begged the Bravo camera crew to turn the cameras off so Apollo wouldn’t catch wind of this.

Kim Zolciak is also in a gift giving mood as she is pretending it’s her first date with Kroy, sans children, in months. Except we all know Kim spends zero time with her kids and has full-time nannies so she can take more half-naked photos of herself to hang around the house. Anyway, they talk about Kroy’s birthday and how excited she is to give him his gift. First, she prefaces it with how empty she was with Big Poppa, even though she eagerly accepted all of his love and money without complaint. She also tells Kroy how easy their relationship is; which is true, it was easy. Easy for her to get knocked up and convince him to marry her. Oh, did I say that out loud? Whoops!

Then Kim whisks Kroy outside to bestow upon him a leased Porsche Turbo. He’s ecstatic–until he gets the bill for said gift. Kim probably has had this in storage from the Big Poppa days anyway. I’m glad Kroy liked his gift. And I’m glad Kim turned out to be so easy for him.

NeNe is also getting gifts from John. Who has turned out to be her Big Poppa. NeNe is nervous around John, whose lavishing of attention makes her flustered. She doesn’t like John that way, and even though she understands where he’s coming from, she’s not ready for it. Nonetheless, she accepts a $30k Rolex whilst announcing she’s ready to date – other people besides John. And be a playa! Hi Haters!

It’s the night of the Bedroom Kandi launch. And it’s quite the fete! Kandi announced it to all her Twitter-followers, who along with her friends and some media people, will be partaking in a night of pleasure. Kandi explains her reasoning behind the open invitation is that these are the people who will buy her products and it totally makes sense. That’s what makes Kandi a smart businesswoman.

Phaedra arrives together they get very, very interactive with the edible body oil. Like Phaedra needs to step away from the devil’s juice because she can’t stop tasting it, and I’m pretty sure doing shots of body oil causes the opposite of sexy. Phaedra is very supportive of her friends new venture–which is nice.

Phaedra announces she is a Doctor of Donkeybooties–a Donkologist, if you will–and she is scoping out the patients left and right at said fete. She knows a good donk when she sees one, as she herself is in possession of one. Apparently, Mama Joyce, who is also present, has no issues with half-naked men massaging her, or with clit-sticks – just self pleasuring strippers. Ridiculous, indeed. Or maybe she just wants to be supportive of Kandi‘s venture.

Next, The Talls are arriving and they are not supportive. Apparently, NeNe discovered it was a party for the lowly Twitterpeople from Bryson, so she quickly changed into casual clothes – aka practically pajamas and definitely not something she had recently had dry-cleaned. NeNe, Marlo Hampton, and Cynthia are obsessed with the declasse horror of hosting a party for tweeters and really can’t get over it. They sit in the corner and complain about how everything is so low-brow, and Marlo orders some champagne from downstairs because the booze at the party is cheap. “Ok Kim,” is right!

It’s interesting that Twitterpeople are so terrible, given that those are their fans and they interact with so-called Twitterpeople to hawk their products and keep their jobs. Perhaps they just want to molest their dildos in private and not before prying eyes of the Twitter community. Apparently, this is definitely a Kandi party!

Kim and She by Shedesperate arrive, both dressed in white as an act of solidarity or something. I swear Kim’s had that babydoll top since season one, and it was ugly then and it’s still ugly now! Kim is no more into the whole party than NeNe, but at least says hello to Kandi and pretends to be a bit more gracious. If only to show NeNe up.

After a masseuse grabs Cynthia and Marlo for a massage, NeNe decides she’s had enough. Come hell or highwater, she and her heftybag of a blouse are leaving Dickland, and if Marlo and Cynthia want a ride, they must leave now too! Dang, Party Nazi! NeNe claims it’s ’cause Brent has school the next morning, but we all know she wants to be the center of attention and if she’s not, then she’s leaving. Marlo tells her she has poop in her pants and tries to get her to have fun and relax, but NeNe doesn’t want to talk dildos or vajayjays.

Cynthia and Marlo go say hello and good-bye to Kandi and NeNe stalks out. Kim explains that NeNe isn’t interested in a dildo, because she already has a dick in her pants. Which is classy–really classy Kim.  Kandi is unimpressed that The Talls did not take to heart the promises made in Africa to get along and support each other. She’s also pretty unimpressed that NeNe didn’t even have the good manners to say hello to her. Frankly, I don’t understand why NeNe couldn’t just hang out and make the best of it. Have a couple glasses of wine, eat some cupcakes, mingle, and go home after an hour or so. Tacky.

And that’s it! We’re done! Lackluster and coma-inducing at best! A box of dildos is the most excitement Bravo can muster for a season finale? Oh, well at least it was a pretty tame, l0w-drama, mostly classy party if you can describe a sex toy launch that way.

Now for the end of the season highlights! Apparently Kim and Kroy still haven’t taken a honeymoon, because they’re busy with the kids and with having more kids. Chateau Sheree is still an empty hole in the ground and if that doesn’t spell “You’re fired!” I don’t know what does. Phaedra and Apollo are now working on a make-up line for morticians and an exercise video so one can achieve the perfect donkey booty. Why do I have a feeling that will be a very risque work-out video?

Kandi‘s sex toy line has been very successful and she is now branching out into rock music. And Nene–well she’s divorced! And an actress! And Cynthia has made up with her sister!

Next Week: The reunion gets vicious and Marlo definitely has some choice words for Kim’s relationship with Big Poppa–and I love it!