Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Elephant In The Room

So we've made it. It's the end of Real Liars Housewives of New Jersey. I don't know about you, but I am so relieved to be done with this show. I don't know where I stand on things other than to say that I can see everyone's points as valid, but I'm tired of hearing about them. 

So let's get started. We begin with Juicy Giudice still under interrogation. He's familiar with it by now, I suppose, given all his legal infractions. Caroline Manzo's comments about how Teresa Giudice will leave her husband and write a book about it if he goes to prison are revisited. 

Caroline seems to be saying without saying it that editing minced her comment or took it out of context. Or perhaps she just doesn't want to admit that she said and meant it. There's so much backpedaling with these people I never know what to think. Anyway, Caroline dismisses it as a "hypothetical" and Juicy snaps that Caroline is a "know it all" She is – a very unwarranted 'know it all.' 

Caroline says since Teresa is discussing her marriage with magazines, it's fair game. Andy Cohen asks about Joe admitting in Napa they got paid by the magazines, but all of the sudden it's denies, denies, denies. 'Huh? I said that? I was drunk? Whaddai say?' Joe and Teresa are masters of obfuscation. That should be their next book! 


Joe's potential jail time is brought up by Andy. Teresa shushes him but he starts rambling on and on about ham sandwiches going to jail. Um… Joe, despite the fact that you're a total meathead, I don't think you can convincingly be impersonated by a ham sandwich in prison. Nice try though. 

Jacqueline Laurita is butting in the whole time with these little asides, and Teresa calls her "Heckle and Jyde." Well, at least she can kinda pull off a literary reference. Should we give her some credit for that? 

All of the sudden we're talking about In Touch Weekly. Boy, I hope that mag gets a cutback every time they're mentioned on this show. And I hope Teresa gets a royalty check. She needs the money. Anyway, Andy says he first learned Juicy was headed to prison via the magazine – which c'mon, who believes that nonsense?

Teresa says they couldn't talk about legal stuff on the show and she was disappointed her family discussed it when she asked them not to. Melissa Gorga starts protesting that it was in magazines so um… wasn't it already out there? And despite Teresa claiming the girls don't know, there was a quote from each girl in the magazine. I'm starting to think Teresa believes tabloids are these mythical things that only she sees, like diaries. 

Anyway, Teresa continues justifying saying she was asked to talk about it for the cover. "Andy! Am I tawkin Chinese?!' Teresa wonders. No one else speaks Chinese I guess, but talk about beating a dead, dead horse. Tabloid gate again?

And then Jacqueline, realizing it's been a full 30 seconds since she's had any attention (is she making up for last year's absence?) starts screaming about how Teresa (or Joe?) told people Chris Laurita met her as a stripper in Vegas. Oh, Jacqueline. There is much protesting and arguing, until Juicy is like 'Who cares! Chris told me he met youse when he was engaged.' 

Jacqueline insists that's not true. Joe's response "Your husbands are mo-mos, so who cares." Jacqueline starts screaming about how Joe is a "low-life" and he snaps back with, "What about your finances." Ok, burn, right? Burn… I mean, Jacqueline can protest all she wants but there's a pretty serious bankruptcy fraud case against the Lauritas as well. Maybe Chris and Joe shouldn't have been sharing business tips… 

And THIS, people, is why you keep your dirty laundry away from reality TV! 

Then the rest of the husbands take the stage to defend their wives against the tyranny of Juicy. Well, except Albert Manzo who has a convenient excuse Brownstone wedding. I noticed the yellow corn kernels that once composed Richie Wakile's teeth have been replaced by shiny, new white chiclets. The Wakile family is really splashing out for the plastic surgery aren't they. 

We're treated to a scintillating montage of the husband's appearances on the show and almost immediately a huge argument breaks out between Poison Gorga and Juicy. Poison believes the reason Juicy is hates him is because he "succeeded in life." Poison has an interesting definition of "succeeded in life." 

Juicy imparts this classic: "It makes me sick that I even have to here to look at you today." and starts rambling about borrowed tools and assholes. Oh these hubbies. Winners! Jacqueline demonstrates her total maturity by pretending to play with hair and yawn. So, Jr. High called… it wants it's antics back!

We are treated to a segment about Richie's erection and Kathy Wakile calls it her "alarm clock" and thanks God. This will not make you relevant. 

Then some arguing ensues about the Gorgas joining the show. Poison maintains that they weren't speaking to Teresa when they signed on. Teresa denies it. But I'm still confused…  if you had ISSUES before RHONJ, why would you think coming on a show centered around drama would make it better?!?! Is this making sense to anyone? Anyone? Am I the only truly confused person in the room? I mean, I don't get it. If I hated my sister, I wouldn't want to add to the annoyance by WORKING with her – and I wouldn't sign onto a reality show that thrives to make people look bad! 

Chris speaks up to say that Joe and Teresa both love each other and should work things out. As for what broke up the Gorga siblings. According to Teresa: "The wife," aka Melissa. 

'I wanna be the star. Meeee! Why can't I be most famous. Aaaaandy! Jooooew! Fix it!' 

'Bitch – do you see my face? I will cut you with a sequin if you accuse me of calling you a stripper one more time. And I can strip better than you. On Display, On Display!' 

Then they're all screaming about magazines again. Teresa accuses Melissa of taking her brother away from her and they both start whining and baying. Teresa and Melissa are the. worst. They are SO whiny, self-absorbed, and passive aggressive. They both have a whine that rivals Zarin's!

This is what I heard when they tawked at the reunion: "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….," all high pitched like. Equally passive aggressive and obnoxious: Their husbands! 

Teresa says 'Karma is a bitch, right Meliss.' And Melissa says Teresa's karma is right behind her pointing at Juicy. Ok, that was a good one! And then Juicy looks at Poison and asks him how he really met Melissa. Yes, Poison – do tell! And Poison gets Gorga furious.  

"We're real, they're a joke," Melissa snaps. I wouldn't go that far, Melissa. I think y'all are neck and neck in the fakeness category.

The Joews are ready to leap across Andy and start strangling each other. Juicy snaps at Poison: "Pay your bills. You gotta borrow money every week from people." And the wildebeests take over! I love to see grown men bicker. 

And then AGAIN Jacqueline starts ranting about the stripper allegations. Jacqueline's Xanax wore off and she's very, very fixated on this stripper claim.

Oh Jacqueline let it go. You and Melissa need a lesson in PR. You've already denied it numerous times, when you start denying too vehemently people start to think the lady doth protest too much. So Chris denies it calmly, Juicy looks like an ass. Again. 

Caroline says Teresa called Jacqueline a stripper and Teresa is like, 'uh… wait. No, actually. YOU said she was a stripper, Caroline.' So this is dishy. Who do you believe said it?

Chris wants to know why people on RHONJ act like being a stripper is the same thing as being a serial killer. Personally I think Dexter is a way better person than anyone on this show, so I might think being a stripper who is also a Real Housewife of New Jersey is worse. And far more morally dubious. 

And then the single best moment of the reunion. Will the real stripper puh-lease stand up! And the real stripper? Is Poison! Apparently he worked his debatably sized member at Chippendales during college. He went to college? And I love that he candidly admits it. Poison recounts the story of having a g-string that looked like an elephant and apparently Teresa found it in his room once. I have to admit, I'm sorta curious – I'd see Poison as the "Elephant Man." 

Andy asks how Poison felt when he saw Juicy refer to Teresa as a c-u-next-tuesday in Napa. Joe says he had no emotion. Andy asks for Juicy's reaction to seeing Poison call Teresa a "bitch." Poison says it's his sister so he can call her anything he wants. This family is SO SO SO dysfunctional!!

Juicy says Poison is a loser for not defending Teresa when Richie insulted her. And then Richie and Juicy are screaming at each other about starting businesses and being successful and crotch grabbing. SO, the men are actually worse than the women. That's something special…

Finally we get some actual conversation when Chris discusses his relationship with Dina Manzo. He's articulate, calm, and expresses that he does believe Teresa is somehow involved based on what he's seen with Jacqueline. Chris remains the only sane person on this show. Thank you Chris for your everlasting sanity – now please do something about that wife of yours!

I still don't believe Teresa is to blame for Dina's problems with Chris and Caroline

Teresa denies having anything to do with Dina and Caroline's relationship. Poison tells her to just own it – and also own up to calling Melissa a stripper. Teresa denies it and Poison claims even their dad claimed Teresa said that about Melissa! 

The poor senior Gorgas – they are constantly used as pawns in drama for the Gorgadices! 

Poison brings up the fashion show and how Teresa confronted Melissa in the bathroom with the stripper allegations. Poison thought Teresa should have left. This doesn't sit well with Teresa. Leave HER show? The nerve of those people?! 

Teresa again denies setting Melissa up. Melissa again accuses Teresa of being behind it. Teresa starts to get mad – like Trezilla mad. I'm glad the coffee table is out of grabbing distance, but Andy isn't! And we know how that goes.

Poison insists the footage proves Teresa was responsible. And OK, stop right there – heavily edited reality TV footage never proves anything. But anyway, he says he'll forgive Teresa if she admits it and apologizes. Teresa is all like, 'I don't care that she was a stripper and I don't want you to get divorced." And Poison is like "she was a bartender." And I'm like 'Shut up – and show me another clip of Real Housewives of Atlanta.'

Teresa should just apologize for being involved – even if she doesn't believe she owes one, she should just try to be the bigger person. 

Poison says some nice things about his wife and how she is the perfect woman for him – and that was lovely. He advises Teresa to leave it alone and stop it. And Teresa says Poison is breaking their parents' hearts. Poison accuses Teresa of taking his parents away from him and says his children don't have grandparents because of her. 

Hasn't Melissa been going around saying they see her in-laws weekly for dinner? Now Poison is saying he never sees them and Teresa is saying they love him dearly. What is going on here?! There are so many lies. So much backpedaling. 

Juicy and Poison start screaming at each other over the senior Gorgas who really need to emancipate themselves from Bravo – and their adult children. 

'I wanna be the star too! Let's talk about how I'm not a stripper for the 300th time. Right, Chris? RIGHT?'

Teresa starts crying, denying that she even talks about Poison to her parents. Jacqueline – again – butts in to insist she does and Andy tells her to stay out of it as Teresa stands up and starts inching towards Jacqueline (and by default Andy). Andy is like this bitch is not shoving me again, no way, no how!

"Worry about you own family," Teresa snaps. "You have nothing else to do but worry about me." And I think twitter verifies that.

Then the ladies challenge each other to kiss each other's fake body parts. "Kiss my spanx ass," Jacqueline screams. "Kiss my rock-hard, badly surgically altered titties," Teresa rebuts. Oh, the class. Oh the tremendous class of this show. 

'I am the omnipotent narrator – I know all your secrets. BWAHAHAHA! Hidden beneath my weave is the truth!'

And FIN-NA-LEE Kim D takes the stage. Oh, Kim – I sort of love you. I don't know what gives you balls, but it's fantastic. Kim's weave looks considerably less Barbie at the hands of a three-year-old and some pinking shears. Sadly, her eyeliner is a little too far into the three-year-old and a sharpie category. 

So Poison apologies for screaming at Kim at the Posche Fashion Show. Kim reveals that Teresa didn't know Angelo was going to show up. She also claims Teresa – along with Jacqueline and Caroline – knew Melissa was going to be set up at the PFS, but no one knew what exactly was going to happen. 

It all stemmed back from Melissa promoting another Posche Boutique which made Kim "a little revengeful." Kim claims it was convenient because things fall in her lap. I wish that kind of drama fell in my lap. 

It is curious that no one is mad at Kim D, right? And Kim is exonerated but she's the main culprit. And no one is mad about Caroline and Jacqueline for remaining friends with Kim D – and that they also had knowledge of the set-up with Melissa being the target. Interesting indeed. 

Melissa maintains that Teresa set her up to look like a stripper and Teresa starts screaming and swearing on her children and father that she never said Melissa was a stripper. Melissa swears on her children that Teresa is responsible. Stop swearing on your loved ones, it's tacky and gross!

Finally Melissa tells Teresa she will never have a relationship with her again – and neither will her children. So that's productive. Teresa calls Melissa "contrived and calculated." And accused her of learning a lot in that strip club. Again, productive. 

So things end with no resolve. Poison and Teresa are still at odds although both of them love each other and can't seem to get along. "This shit is not important," Chris advises referring to the show. 

Caroline advises everyone to learn to tell the truth and to remain hopeful for love, family, and friendship. Thanks for ending on a positive note, Caroline. And good luck to all the ladies of RHONJ. I hope things are calmer and you all take a break from the media, tabloids, twitter – and reality TV. At least for a little while. 

As for me – I've never been so happy to press "delete" on my DVR in my life. I'm with Juicy – let's go eat. Enough already!