Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta lots of things were exposed. Some of those things had no business making it to the light. Some things should stay tucked away in the deep, dark hole of a strip club and be buried there underneath the layers of spilled bottom shelf liquor and old glitter. But alas dirt doesn't usually stay underground forever.
Things begin with NeNe Leakes having a little come to Jesus talk with Kenya Moore. The best part of the whole scene was that NeNe kept her giant Elvis-in-the-seventies sunglasses on the entire time. NeNe tells us that her feelings on Kenya can be summed up with the word "delusional." Um – check.
NeNe wonders about what is going on with this Walter person and if perhaps Kenya missed a a few editions of Cosmo – you know the ones where they talked about how to keep a man and how not to make him run as fast as his legs can carry him. Kenya is confused – she thought throwing herself at Walter would make her more desirable. NeNe is like, 'No. You have been begging this man for sperm something so desperate it reeks of curdled milk and that is not attractive.'
Kenya she starts warbling about how Walter's behavior in Anguilla scared her because she was in an abusive relationship once and she is at the age where she needs a commitment.
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Girl, did I ever tell you about sperm banks?
NeNe discretely slides a copy of He's Just Not That Into You, a $3.99 turkey baster from Kroger, and the address of a good shrink across the table. She reminds Kenya single ladies be doing it for themselves so if she wants a baby that's far easier to come by than a man so perhaps let Walter go and move on. Then NeNe breezes out the door, Missoni poncho flapping behind her, and gets on the phone to call Cynthia Bailey about what this crazy Kenya broad did now!
Porsha Stewart is having the ladies over for a lot of cake and a little tea – or was it wine? I lose track of how much these people drink. And I'm always surprised given the calories in wine. Cynthia arrives first and they briefly dissect the Anguilla trip. Then Kandi Burruss arrives. She asks Porsha how many bedrooms are in her massive mansion and Porsha pauses to count on her fingers before she remembers she can only go up to five. "Maybe 7?" she guesses. 'I want a lot of bedrooms for all the twins I'll be having because I've been eating a lot of yams.'
The word yams hangs in the air like a lead balloon as Kandi awkwardly wonders what yams have to do with twins. Porsha tells the story of how she learned to work Google and read about twins in Africa so she decided to eat all the yams in Atlanta. Everyone just eats more cake and turns the conversation to Kenya.
Kandi is very confused about what happened on the final day and if Kenya is alright after she flipped out and fled the table. Porsha says Kenya's relationship with Walter puzzles her. Something tells me Porsha is often "puzzled."
Speaking of puzzled, Kenya is suddenly sitting in on a Donkey Booty business meeting with Phaedra Parks and Apollo. Now since we all know Phaedra is very smart and Kenya's production company is um… shall we say not very successful, I can only deduce that this is a producer insisted scene. Regardless Kenya offers some good advice about how Phaedra's video could reach a part of the market that is not filled – the Beckys who want a booty.
Somehow this talk of "posterior" development turns into a talk about how freaky Apollo and Phaedra are in the bedroom and if they try roll playing. Kenya is giggling and making suggestions of how Phaedra could play the naughty school girl. Under the table Phaedra has one hand on her taser and is about 2 seconds away from using it when she realizes the cameras are rolling.
Instead Phaedra changes the subject. She and Apollo get into an argument about how long the workout segments should be. Kenya tells the camera they are unprofessional, unprepared, and that her time is valuable. Which is why she felt it necessary to probe into their sex life during a business meeting…
Over at Whole Foods and gluten-free pizza, Peter receives some upsetting news. Apparently the blogs are reporting that Phaedra and Apollo are divorcing. So… Peter has GoogleAlerts on Phaedra and Apollo? Stalker, much…
Cynthia doesn't try to diffuse the rumors as nonsense around the internet – like all the zillions of rumors that she and Peter would never make it. Instead she says rumor has it Apollo is quite the frequenter of strip clubs. And she's completely shocked to learn Peter also pays his dues (and dollars) at nudie clubs.
Cynthia decides if Peter is going to "do business" on the strip scene she wants to check out one of these establishments. It will also make her feel closer to BFF NeNe.
Kenya has lunch with Walter. Walter spends every scene of this show in a DeKalb Towing shirt which only furthers my speculation that this arrangement was a publicity stunt. Over lunch Kenya tries to guilt trip Walter about how he said anything could happen in Anguilla. She reminds him she was abused in a past relationship, saying he intimidated her in Anguilla. And suddenly the depths of her crazy hit Walter like a ton of bricks. His sandwich didn't look so appetizing as he worried it was laced with laxatives and he just wanted to get the hell out of the asylum.
Shockingly Kenya insists she never told anyone she and Walter were getting married. No one except for the 3.5M + RHOA viewers each week, that is.
Walter has this look on his face like, 'Oh good lord. Why did I ever sign up for this?' He's watching the clock over Miss WHO-S-A's head and hoping he told someone his whereabouts before coming to this lunch. Kenya is rambling on about how her biological clock is like the Mayan Calendar in that it's reaching the end of its existence and where's her baby, Walter? And where's her ring?
Walter swallows and makes some reassuring comments about how he loves her, but he's just not really ready to be pushed into marriage. I mean he doesn't want to get divorced a second time and he does not feel ready to walk down the aisle with a woman he is pretending to date on TV – even if a spinoff is involved.
Kenya lets Walter know that is not acceptable and he is tricking her. Furthermore she is "wifely" material, not girlfriend material. Walter is fed up. He wonders why if she's so amazing she's STILL on the market at her age? RIGHT?! And those six proposals… well the PI he hired debunked them as complete BS. With that said this lunch is over – Walter has cars to tow. He wishes Kenya luck with those eggs and walks out.
Kenya is furious; practically shaking with rage, but she's also mortified. What's worse than being dumped on TV? Having your fake relationship exposed as fake on TV when the other half becomes an unwilling participant in anymore of your crazy.
Kandi is having her new home blessed by Phaedra's pastor. Except the blessing turns more into an exorcism of Phaedra's marital woes. In between pressuring Todd about where Kandi's ring is and threatening to plan the wedding with Dwight (GAAAH! Say no to the noseless one, Kandi!), Phaedra has a litany of complaints about marriage – specifically hers.
Apparently Apollo is a morning person, Phaedra is not. Apollo talks too much and thinks she is pretending to be busy at work. She has contemplated letting Willie Watkins take him to God some of these days. Phaedra says in her closing argument, 'Marriage is a challenge and if anything happens to Apollo I am not your girl…' She ushers her pastor out leaving Kandi and Todd speechless and uncomfortable. Bless this home, y'all!
Porsha and Kordell hang out in the hot tub at their house (sanitized to Phaedra's anti-vaginitis liking, I hope!) to talk baby-making in Anguilla and Kenya. Le sigh. During romantic time with the hubs I always talk about people I don't like. Kordell is over this Kenya-problem and advises Porsha to just let it go, not try to apologize, and ignore this crazy broad cause it's not worth it. Kordell whispers that he's heard things about Kenya… Bad things. Like she might roofie him and steal his sperm. They get out of the hot tub so Porsha can make sure the security system is functioning at maximum capacity.
Making good on her word, Cynthia ushers Peter to a strip club called The Clermont Lounge. Apparently it's something of an Atlanta joke and um… yes, I would hope so. First it is the seediest strip club ever. I mean I would NOT sit down there. Ew. The big question is would I sit down at any strip club? Cynthia so chose this one on purpose even though she pretends it was an accident.
The median age of the strippers is about 65. Yes, it was Grandma's Gone Wild – and naked. I feel like I just watched a cellulite convention. And an advertisement for boob jobs. Phaedra and Apollo arrive and in the middle of Phaedra espousing about older women celebrating their bodies, Apollo interjects to complain that marriage sucks and robs you of yourself. A dollar makes you hollar, I s'pose.
Phaedra pretends this conversation isn't happening and continues cheering and drinking. I'm not sure Grandma's Underwear Drawer is really the place to be having deep discussions about your marriage, but hey whatever. OK – I totally don't believe they are having marital problems. Phaedra's reaction was the dead giveaway. It seems like a manufactured storyline.
NeNe does a photo shoot for Ebony magazine and has a ball modeling dresses made of money. Good for her.
Finally, Cynthia is having a party for PT Moscato, a wine she endorses. All the ladies, save for NeNe who is in LA, attend. Derek J is wearing some seriously unflattering heels that just do not work for his figure. Can someone please help this man?
As soon as Apollo shows up Peter whips out the man drinks and starts pouring shots of Patron. After getting tipsy Apollo tells stories about prison and not seeing the outside for a year and a half. Peter thinks some of Apollo's angst and his penchant for strip clubs is his making up for lost time – and also because Apollo is only 32. Cynthia is happy she married an OG whose wild streak is over. Although it took having five children to get rid of it apparently.
Kordell joins the man convention and he is chasing his shots with the super sweet moscato. Poor Kordell, he is so not a drinker and seems really out of his element on camera. Apollo talks about how marriage is overwhelming because Phaedra is on all the time and has too much going on. Peter tries to make a football analogy about marriage, but um… no. Even Kordell is confused.
Kenya arrives and she didn't have time to make a spectacle of herself by making this party all about her need for attention before Walter rolled in, spotted her, and immediately headed for the guys group to take some shots. Kenya is about to levitate with fury. Peter sensing that he's about to get it from Cynthia if he doesn't intervene reminds Walter that Kenya is here and practically forces him to go say hello.
Realizing he too better do something, Apollo decides to go find his wife. Which is just about the time Kenya is forcing Walter to leave and Cynthia is quizzing Phaedra about the divorce rumors. Cynthia gloats that her marriage is going to outlast everyone's marriage when Apollo and Phaedra put on a big show about how they'll never break up. Then they start lizard kissing each other with their tongues. Like full-on licking each other's faces and porno making out. Bravo was really trying to render me blind this episode.
In the middle of extreme tonsil hockey, Porsha decides it's the perfect time to confront Kenya about the state of their relationship just as she is fleeing the party. Kenya tells us that right after she was publicly snubbed by her made-for-TV-boyfriend she doesn't have time for "dumb-dumb." Porsha didn't know about the Walter thing so she walks up, politely, and tries to just address that they should be civil to each other.
Kenya cuts her off to snap that they'll never be friends and banishes her like she's the evil step-mother and Porsha is Cinderella. Porsha looks hurt as she was just trying to keep things civil. "With age does not always come maturity," she tells us. Kordell, drunk and outraged, tried to butt into the convo before Kenya pushed him away, but as Kenya leaves he comes over to tell Porsha to stop trying with Kenya.
Cynthia also joins the conversation, but Kordell won't let Porsha get a word in edgewise. Dang – Kordell talks over people like he's a Housewife! Let Porsha have an opinion this is not 1900, aka the year Kenya was Miss USA! Porsha tries to smooth things over by telling Cynthia Kordell is drunk, but Cynthia is a little alarmed.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WOULD YOU RATHER SEE OLD LADY STRIPPERS OR RIDICKULOUS? DO YOU THINK PHAEDRA AND APOLLO ARE REALLY HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS?
