It was the first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation last night and true to form it was like a game of Clue with whodunit and why, with what, where and WTF?

Last night's metaphorical Housewives slayer was none other than Brandi Glanville who could hold neither her alcohol or her tongue. Although she did start out by telling us all the things she likes to do with her tongue or have a tongue to do her when she conducted a little market research for her new book. Yep, sex, wine, and Brandi again… *yawn*

Over at Joyce Giraud's house she's preparing for Palm Springs with a fashion show. Joyce's closet is beautiful. And it houses the entire Golden Girls wardrobe department archives, including several pair of reproduction hibiscus print culottes.


Also prepping for the trip are Kyle Richards and Carlton Gebbia… together. There was no making out here, just some serious back-n-forth death staring. I think Kyle was buying leggings – what are they doing in Palm Springs? Running a marathon? The true point of this was so Carlton could play a little game of Tits On an Ant. 

Basically Carlton was nitpicking about all the perceived slights Kyle had leveled against her and trying to find something to hate. Amid the lycra and the neon, she decided to call Kyle out for insulting her religion and not listening closely while she read a cat novella aloud (OK that part was rude and stupid of Kyle). 

Kyle thought things worked out. I thought Kyle's GIANT CRYSTAL PENDANT was either a third tit or one of Carlton's "witches balls" stolen from her garden. That thing definitely had a dual purpose – duel being the operative word! 


Kim Richards is rambling around some airport store looking for luggage big enough to house Kingsley and a juicer. She had a lengthy discussion with her daughter about usages for a vibrating toothbrush. I thought I was watching Brandi for a second then I realized the voice was too gravelly. 

Finally the ladies are off in their various limos to an uncertain death known as Colony 29. In limo 1 Splits, Rambles, and the woman who will soon be known as Joyceline are giggling and having a 4th grade slumber party on wheels.

In limo 2 Brandi and Yolanda Foster discuss their fond memories of Palm Springs. For Yolanda it was discovering master cleanse and the saving power of two almonds chewed s-l-o-w-l-y. For Brandi it was the coke she did that one time that lead to an orgy that led to a … You say lemons, I say yayo, it's all #YOLO in the end, so let's call the whole thing off!

Lisa Vanderpump got stuck with Witchie Scrooge who is never happy about anything ever anywhere, except cats and kissing Brandi. Lisa describes Joyce as the woman with “a small coochie and her husband's got a big winkie.” Pretty much! 


At the hotel there are four rooms in the main house and seven girls. Limo 1 claims all the bedrooms leaving Brandi and Carlton to share a maid's room where there was a lot of giggling that I assume was meant to imply something.

Lisa and Yolanda shared the 'ladies who have class' suite where they attempted to beckon the bellhop for tea only to realize they were surrounded not by staff but by other wild animals who were not named Kyle or Brandi. Kyle so wanted to throw Lisa in the giant rock-over-the-bed-room and pray for an earthquake! 

Everyone meets up by the pool where they discover a magic pina colada dispensing butler does not exist so they are forced to rely on Brandi as the wine gnome. And wine Brandi gulps and guzzles. Brandi then conveniently forgets Joyce's name and continuously calls her "Jacqueline" because Joyce is an old lady name. Maybe Brandi was on her period?

Then there was badgering about taking off cover-ups. Joyce relented so Brandi could have the opportunity to show off her Mary Magdalene bikini and Carlton could show off her F-U cross tattoo and give a lengthy lecture about religion with her boobs hanging out. It was like one of those porny b-movie spoofs with the "sexy teacher". No one cared about pentagrams because they were too busy obsessing about non-existent PMS fat and I was too busy wondering who has a worse boob job: Carlton or Kelly Bensimon?! #TitsOnAnAnt

Joyce decides her god is better and doesn't need to like women or something: Cheeeeese! Hair Flip! 

Then Brandi and Carlton kiss while everyone else stares mouth agape with wine drooling out.


Eventually Yolanda starts demanding Joyceline get in the pool because a good hostess must "lead" her guests… In what? Floating? She can't just supervise from the sidelines? Yolanda thinks Joyce doesn't want to get her hair wet but it's actually because she can't swim. Then Drunki pipes up to slur, "You're a black person." Oops! Faux pas and with that the world's most awkward pool party came to an end. Thank God cause despite the 120 degree weather that place was polar! 

Things get worse at dinner where Brandi thought the appetizer was straight vodka. I think she added ice. She gets more belligerent and keeps slurringly calling Joyce "Jacqueline". Then she calls her "Yoice", a name Joyce doesn't like because it means something nasty in Spanish and during high school she was "bullied" about her name. 

Somewhere out of the blue, Lisa starts making a weird issue about Joyce comparing Brandi to a bully. I personally did not think Joyce was implying Brandi or anyone else was bullying her at that moment, but was instead explaining why she did not like to be called "Yoice". 

Lisa was sure desperate to make this point though and try to defend Brandi. When Rambles tried to intervene, Lisa started rambling and then accused everyone of cutting her off. She should consider herself lucky. 

Then Joyce decides to make a toast to herself and pimp her new show (now canceled), Siberia. And Brandi decides to take off her weave and announce to Joyceline that "Joyce" is the name of a "big, fat, pig." I have to hand it to Kyle for being sensitive and a good friend. She defended Joyce. I cannot believe I am defending Splits – I need to go lie down. 


That's not where the fighting ends though because then Yolanda and Splits get into it over who is a liar related to last year's reunion and Paris trip. Yolanda probably did talk ish about Lisa, and Kyle probably did embellish it. Kyle wants to "agree to disagree" but Yolanda's integrity has been insulted so they instead talk about how Yolanda is trying to talk but no one will let her talk. They both turn into Kim and start rambling about a discussion vs. a conversation.

Yolanda tells Joyceline to butt-out and Brandi falls off her chair: SPLAT! And in lieu of blood, rum-soaked wine pours from her veins while Lisa just sighs and enquires about a cup of tea with dessert.

Instead of tits on an ant, this game should be renamed tits on a bitch, cause they're all playing it and they're all bitches! Too mean?

[Photo Credits:]