Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills roamed around to a bunch of parties and acted poorly. You know – the usual!
Kim Richards' daughter Kimberly graduated from high school and Kim is hosting a big celebration party for her. To prepare Kim, Kyle Richards, Kimberly and one of Kyle's daughters meet up for manicures. And Kyle needs a bikini wax. Kim announces her "wiener" has already been waxed and is looking cute. Kim should probably just go ahead and call it a "whiner" instead.
Kyle prefers to label hers a "tweeter" because <stage whisper> 'vagina' is yucky. It's times like this I wish Brandi Glanville would pop up in the corner of the screen yelling, "VAGINA, Kyle – VAGINA!" just to make Kyle smack her with a caftan after covering her eyes with a haircape.
A salon employee tells Kyle she can have her tweetiewiener dyed. Kyle Freudian Slips and thinks the lady told her to put her vagina on a "diet". But! It's a size 4! Kim's tweeter is a size 0 because it hasn't been eating anything – well nothing except a little "lipstick" she elaborated. How many weight watchers points does a tweeter get?
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Kim and Kyle head into the waxing studio where the waxer hands Kyle a besquined dildo to squeeze for comfort. Then Kim gets her nostril hair removed. They were laughing and having fun. For the fourth season, Kyle tells us they're rebuilding their relationship. I think it took less time to build the pyramids, but I'm happy they're happy.
Speaking of dildos and the ladies who talk about them, Brandi and Carlton Gebbia are pole dancing. Naturally they got liquored up beforehand. Carlton, in particular, was hitting the tequila like it was punching bag with a picture of Kyle's face asking 'Are you a witch?!'
It wasn't enough to just spin around the poles, Carlton has to dry hump and tongue bathe them and then twerk on her friend before telling us she loooooooooooves women. Before I could grab my safety dildo to clutch in anxiety, Carlton drops her pants to reveal a pair of "F–k Off" panties.
Brandi has motion sickness from spinning around the pole. Not from all the lies she's spinning? After getting wasted and raunchy, Brandi and Carlton head over to Kimberly's party. Carlton suggests they bring booze as a gift. Even Brandi has the tact to point out that a recovering alcoholic and a minor do not need a bottle of anything except Welches Sparkling White Grape Juice (be still my heart!).
Kim's party was originally supposed to be at winner sister Kathy Hilton's house but then the Windsors came a'callin so Kathy locked Paris in the cellar and hightailed it to Buckingham. She forgot to tell Kim until the last minute. Kathy just didn't want Kim putting Party City paper lanterns in her yard. Kim is frazzled but happy and Kimberly is glad to have the party at home.
Joyce Giraud arrives in a costume – a costume that features a dress cut down to her navel and a giant flower basket on her head. Miss I Got Lei'd tells us she's in "theme". As the Chiquita Banana lady?
Parked outside Kim's house is a Fat Burger Truck. Naturally. Brandi and Carlton decide to nurse their buzz by getting burgers. And d-ck selfies. Brandi claims she's never even made out with the d-ck selfie in question. They park their stripper heels down on the curb and chow down.
Kyle arrives in a caftan on acid. It had feather print. And leopard print. And rhinestones. And zillions of colors. And it was hidey on a level of hidey that is even worse than Carlton's see-thru lace thingy. You can buy it here! Kim, like her wiener, looked cute.
Kyle is impressed to see Brandi and Carlton on the curb where they belong so she glides into the party in her Technicolor dream caftan. Unfortunately it wasn't trash day so Brandi and Carlton followed her in where they hit up the bar whining for drinks. Carlton doesn't understand where the booze are. Which was totally rude. I find it shocking that she didn't smuggle a flask or two in her f-ck you underpants. Or in Brandi's.
Brandi has to puke because she ate Fat Burger and spun around. Brandi: karma babe. You've made me want to throw up countless times with your antics. While she's puking, Carlton is talking to the closet asking if it's OK. They decide to leave – thankfully in a cab.
With that mess out of the way, the party is lovely. Kim made a beautiful and loving speech to her daughter and put together a slideshow. It was personal and nice. Congratulations Kimberly and Kim!
The next day Lisa Vanderpump calls everyone because she wants to do a clothing drive for girls in foster care. She invites all the ladies to donate satin MILF cocktail dresses and ballgowns.
Brandi decides she's going to sit down with Joyce and iron everything out, but she doesn't want anyone else involved. Lisa is like okaaaaay… but after everyone hands over their outfits.
Kim and Joyce arrive first. All is well for about 6 seconds until Kim confronts Lisa for bailing on Kimberly's party. Lisa says she was in Missouri for an alopecia charity walk and Kim is like nuh-uh my hairdresser saw you at SUR. Lisa claims she got back that night. And Kim argues back that the party was AT. NIGHT. Naturally Lisa could have rushed, in her gardening clogs, from the airport to the backyard luau since she has such an intimate and personal relationship with Kim. Everyone else was there!
Lisa is like well, I got the times confused. It did seem like Lisa was making a lot of excuses and perhaps trying to cover her ass. Initially I was all – Lisa! Just apologize. But then Lisa reveals that weeks prior she RSVP'd "no" and sent Kimberly a gift. From Tiffany's. So in my mind Kim has no business calling her out.
Ken is annoyed and while Lisa is organizing some organza he reminds Kim of all the events she has missed. Kim is very offended. "That's uncalled for," she says calmly. Ken does not back down and it's a tense, but quiet back and forth. Kim asks Ken to apologize and he simply says "no". It was all very… British.
My two cents: Both had points. Kim's alcoholism has obviously caused the group a lot of strife over the years. I'm SO HAPPY she is in recovery and healthy. Ken was out of line in making the comment snippily, but it is a fair point. I thought Kim was polite but assertive in her response to Ken and I'm proud of her for that.
As for the stupidness that men shouldn't get involved. Yolanda Foster started that ish and it's BS. I don't think men should be screaming at another woman, but any man would defend his wife – as he should. Ken is a bit of a hypocrite though for always championing the 'men stay out of it' cause but then immediately going to bat for Lisa. Feelings, love, and all that, though!
With all that stuffed in an old purse, Kyle shows up and has brought a large dog prone to eating rabbits in order to taunt Lisa and Giggy. Lisa is miffed, but Kyle is cackling. I thought it was an awesome bitch move (pun intended). Giggy is whisked away with Ken and the ladies commence with doing what ladies do: arguing.
Brandi decides to "chat" with Joyce about their issues while Kyle's dog is touring the garden looking for poms to eat. Under the veranda, Brandi tells Joyce she's like sorry not sorry and Joyce is like willing to forgive but not forgive and forget but not forget if Brandi stops being mean. They end up in the same argument about whether or not Brandi is a racist, bully, bitch, alcoholic, person with no manners.
Brandi shrieks at Joyce, "If I were a bully I'd knock your teeth out." Kyle and Lisa are eavesdropping as Kyle wants to hear for herself just in case she needs some ammunition. Look who's playing chess now!
Lisa encourages her to stay out of it, clearly forgetting this is Splits we're dealing with here. Kyle is decidedly less Splitsyish this season, is she not? Boo – boring!
Eventually Carlton shows up and marches over to tell Joyce off for using "labels" to describe Brandi. Brandi wants an apology from Joyce too. For…? Lisa tries to console Brandi and admits Joyce talks a lot. Finally they agree to disagree over a pile of stained and ripped designer clothes. Kyle's dog ate it! Or Kim's vagina!
Joyce gives Brandi a peace hug. She accepts but then in her confessional shrieks, "Ew! Get away from me!"
[Photo Credits: bravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL JOYCE AND BRANDI GET ALONG GOING FORWARD? DID LISA LIE TO KIM OR IS KIM LOOKING FOR TITS ON AN ANT?