Ahhhhhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where mothering is a crime against humanity because naturally that's the nanny's job. In Beverly Hills one also needs to be heavily armed and ready at any moment for home invaders. I'd be more worried about closet raiders, but you know if broke into Yolanda Foster's house I'd go straight for the Hermes belt collection. Just me?

We begin at Carlton Gebbia's house where she's hosting a party to promote naked girls. Carlton: the Playboy mansion you are not. Carlton's "nanny", who is never near children ever, which given her behavior is probably a good thing, helps choose exotic dancers to perform.

Carlton drones monotonously for the 400th time that she loves women. I am out of patience with this cougar-in-heat trying to be the Joe Francis of the middle-aged. I'm sure Carlton's daughters aren't embarrassed at allll to be seeing their mother's Sexford Wife shenanigans. 

Brandi Glanville adopted a new dog named Buddy to distract her kids from Chica's disappearance. Brandi hates Buddy and complains that he wants to be near her. He peed on her bed – yeah that's annoying, but I'm sure Brandi has also peed on her bed in a drunken stupor. 


Lisa Vanderpump comes over to give poor Buddy the love he desperately needs. Auntie Lisa hopefully popped him into her purse to smuggle him into the alcove of puppy-adoration that is Villa Rosa.


Brandi is headed to Sacramento (her hometown) for a book event and to patch things up with her estranged father, who is not happy that she called him a pot dealer in her book. Apparently it wasn't true? Or he just doesn't want to admit it was true? Yolanda is coming along Brandi and this hurts Lisa's feelings a bit, but Brandi explains that Lisa's brand of over-glammed British humor and fancy-finery will intimate her down-to-earth parents. Plus, Lisa might bond with her parents about how Brandi is a trainwreck. 

Brandi is upset about life so Lisa tries to console her while helping her pack. Brandi cries and then after some sympathetic words, Lisa prompts her to snap out of it and hands her some toilet paper to dry her eyes. Brandi's face gets as pinched as allowed with all the botox and complains that Lisa is mothering her which is annoying. Personally I want Lisa to adopt me – mother away! 

Someone attempted to break into Joyce Giraud's house to steal all her hair products and pageant gowns. Luckily the place was so massive the would-be thieves couldn't find the door while Michael finished a sandwich, made a stiff drink, dug his handgun out of the crystal-laden, triple padlocked box in the basement, traversed the 9000 square-feet to tell Joyce to dial 9-1-1 (after she finished her hair, naturally), and then let the dog out, which scared them away. 


Because of this, Joyce wants a handgun. Ummm… Joyce has no business swinging a gun around and should stick to perfecting the killer hairflip instead. Joyce also decided she needs to learn self-defense so she invited all the girls (even Brandi whom Joyce erroneously believes she has made amends with) to a class. 

Brandi and Yolanda head to Sacramento where Yolanda toted along a massive arsenal of David Foster CD's to give Brandi's dad as a gift (kill me now!). They discover their hotel room was once visited by Arnold Schwarzenegger and they are rightfully grossed out. Brandi's entire family comes to the book event and Yolanda sweet talks her father, Guy. Brandi says her parents are happy for her success but think she's gotten too fancy. Or maybe they think she's gotten too drunk and crass and over-disclosing. 

Afterwards they all go to dinner where Brandi gets a bit loose-lipped and loopy after too much wine and she starts sharing anecdotes from her childhood which include under-aged drinking, fake IDs, and her being the girl that always had the pot…. courtesy of dear old dad. Whoops. 


Guy starts getting annoyed and warns Brandi to stop. Yolanda steps into suggest they get a coffee and talk. That's her solution to everything: husband found cheating with the maid, get a coffee! Girlfriend hating on you, get a coffee! Reality TV co-star problems – head to Starbucks. A coffee per day keeps the drama at bay! Personally I feel that's a great suggestion, but a lemon cleanse might do one better! And it's interesting that Yolanda can mother Brandi, but not Lisa

Happily Brandi and her dad make up and hug; it was very cute and sweet. She tells us she still needs him and it was nice to see some positive Brandi moments. I also think her book talk was very charming. 

Kyle Richards tells us about how she converted to Judaism when she realized Mauricio was "the one" and now the religion is a huge part of her life. She hosts Shabbat dinner where they discuss daughter Sophia's impending Bat Mitzvah. It was a sweet scene. 


Then the girls go to self-defense. And holy bejewels does Lisa look phenomenal! She was rocking a crop-top and swanning around all diamonds and décolleté. Kyle told us about a half a million times that it was a lot of boobs for the occasion, but hey she was trying to distract potential intruders. Poor Lisa may need to use her self-defense tactics to ward off the lecherous Carlton given that she's so obsessed with beautiful women.

Yolanda hops up to demonstrate a choke out and doesn't listen to directions or has some seriously misguided pent up aggression because she would not let go of her choke hold when the instructor was tapping repeatedly that he needed air. 

Then the ladies hopped in a boxing ring to practice knocking out intruders. Carlton went all American Gladiators and everyone plastered themselves against the wall afraid. "I think she may knock my plastic nose off," someone whispered. 

Kim Richards and Kyle box-out 40+ years of ineffective therapy and Big Kathy stage mommying. There was a lot of squealing and falling down until Kyle ended up on top of Kim pinning her down. "Kyle ended up on top – just like in life," says Brandi in a very prophetic and intelligent assessment. Ouch. 

Brandi punches the instructor in the head and thinks she's fractured her hand. Kyle suggests they go get a glass of wine so Brandi decides the doctor can wait  Lisa is worried. In the limo, Kyle and Brandi are suddenly buddy-buddy and Kyle gives Brandi a card to cheer her up. I loved Lisa's ping-ponging side eye. Kyle hopes thinks Lisa is jealous – I think Lisa was wondering what tricky Kyle was playing at. 


Over wine, Lisa is worried about the time and Kyle tells her to relax; she's tired of hearing about how successful and busy Lisa is. Nevertheless Lisa and Kyle are on a good spurt and cheers to being friendly-ish again. Lisa mentions that she'll let Kyle know if things go south again and they sort of get into a mini (but VERY SYMBOLIC) tift about how there can only be one queen

Kyle and Lisa can be so fun together but there's always an edge to their relationship that's a little nerve wracking. Kyle never seems truly relaxed and they both seem as if they're forcing it. It's weirdly competitive on Kyle's end and insincere-seeming on Lisa's. 

Brandi's hand hurts – she has it on ice and is clearly uncomfortable, so Lisa suggests she go to the hospital. Brandi wants Lisa to stop nagging and smothering, but Lisa keeps saying she's concerned. Kyle tries to smooth things out, but Brandi is pissed. She feels Lisa is always trying to make her look and feel weak so she has control over her.

Lisa just cares and feels protective of Brandi, who has no one else to talk her down from the edge (like a husband) and is all alone out there navigating the scary waters of Beverly Hills. 

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