Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: ¡¿E Tu, Brandi?!

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Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills no one needed their sunglasses on the beaches of Puerto Rico, because it was shady allllll damn day and night. 

I don't know what to think. Is this a 4-way gang up on Lisa Vanderpump? Or is this Brandi Glanville and Yolanda Foster were once on a Dream Team with Lisa and for some odd reason decided to split and take Lisa down by pulling others into the middle? 

Meaning, that yes – Lisa was part of "tabloids-in-the-suitcase-gate" which is the new necklace-gate, which is the new-skipped-my-party-gate, which is the new stop-being-my-mama-gate which is the new ewww-get-my-husband's-mistress-out-my-plastic-face-gate, which is the new hair-flip-your-friends-talk-ish-about-you-gate, which is the new don't-talk-about-my-husband's-ALLEGED-cheating-gate. Basically we've come full circle and we're back to talking about Kyle Richards and Mauricio's cheating, which NO ONE – I repeat NO ONE – cared about in the first place except Kyle who probably planted the stories to begin with!


So back to the issue at hand. This is what I believe: once upon a blue yonder Brandi bought some tabloids with Mauricio's one page in Star scandal about cheating (Star, mind you, is like one step above National Enquirer, which is having lunch with Elvis as we speak) and showed the Dream Team like, "ha-ha look what I have." And LIsa was like, "haha – bring them." And Yolanda was like, "hahaha – we're so bad!" And Brandi was like, "We're honest! We're helping! Let's do it!" And Lisa was like, "Oh… stop. C'mon girls – limos waiting and I could use a glass of wine." And then it was never thought of again. 


Drinking & Scheming?

Until… One fateful day, Brandi got an idea – and they never amount to anything good. "Aha!" Brandi said in a drunken stupor after a long trip to Planet Trash where she got lost among the sequined thong bikinis and Boones Farm Strawberry-Kiwi Crush and started thinking about how Lisa didn't want to hold her hair back anymore while she vomited up Eddie cheating drama and wine coolers all over her XXII dress because now she was holding Kyle's hair like horse reigns and steering her around. So Brandi remembered that one time they were all joking about the tabloids and it was in fun, but suddenly Brandi decided it should be like for serious. So she whined to Yolanda about Lisa using her and a confrontation was born. Basically, yes – I think Lisa knew about the tabloids – I think they ALL did. And no, I do not think Lisa is some mad maniacal orchestrator of all nefarious Housewives bad juju. 

Here they all are in Puerto Rico littering the beautiful beaches with gossip, bad friendships, and terrible fashions. Lisa should left have immediately when she realized she'd have to share a bathroom with Ken and his toilet times. Lisa does not want to live in the real world where sometimes the taquitos your hubby eats end up taking over the ensuite something foul. Oh no – Lisa wants to live in Lisa-land and frankly, so do I. 

Not five seconds after sitting down in the blistering sun on the beach they get tired of staring out into the water and decide to play a game called jellyfish. Kim Richards rambled in Spanish about how there was good zen and no one would get mauled by a shark called Kingsley because Brandi was there. And she wants coca-cola, por favor. 


Yolanda pulls Lisa aside and tells her Brandi is hurt because Lisa dares to have more than one friend – particularly when that friend is Kyle. Particularly after Lisa made that nasty insinuation that Mauricio used people for listings. And Kyle, never said anything bad about Lisa, like ever. Lisa is confused. Then Brandi, Kyle, and Kim all jump in to the conversation. 

Lisa says "No comprende," and walks away so everyone accuses her of being unable to handle the heat. Then they pow-wow about Lisa who is sniffling and crying and desperately making sure her fake eyelashes don't end up falling off. Brandi tells Kyle that she doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news, I mean but she haaaaaas to be honest.

So yeah, Lisa tried to make Brandi put tabloids about Mauricio cheating in her suitcase before Palm Springs. And Yolanda was there too. And that is why Chica ran away and Brandi said racially insensitive things to Joyce Giraud and got so freaking drunk she thought Jacqueline planned the whole trip before realizing they don't even have a person named Jacqueline on the cast. 

Kyle never bothered to ask Brandi why she BOUGHT the tabloids in the first place and had them out and ready for Palm Springs. Of course Kyle believes Brandi. So Kyle confronts Lisa who is disgusted and denies it. Emphatically. 


Damn – these bitches are seriously FIGHTING over who gets to be Lisa's bestest friend. I mean they are stuck on her like lint on velcro, yet they're all complaining that she's so horrible. So which is it? I guess it's like Brandi is an unfiltered person who speaks the truth, but Lisa is manipulating her into doing her dirty work and talking ish about everyone. You know – logic! And Brandi is ridiculously immature. 

Yolanda and Ken got into it because he defended Lisa and called the allegations ridiculous. Yolanda really doesn't like husbands speaking to her unless they are King David, so she accused Ken of being out of line. They'll have to go out for coffee and discuss it. Just like Yolanda took Lisa out for coffee discuss their issues. Oh wait… 

Rambles corners Mauricio and without any investigating tells him about Lisa and the tabloids. He throws a fit and storms off the beach and Lisa suggests everyone just let it go. 

That evening, with putrid toxicity in the air, Brandi and Lisa get into a snit on the bus to dinner over whether or not Lisa and Ken legally adopted Scheana Marie or something. They were apparently aware she had an affair with Eddie the night Brandi ran into her at SUR during the cast party. That was a setup. Lisa denies this and Brandi claims Lisa has been caught because a mutual friend told her so. Brandi has a lot of mutual friends. Is it that darn Cryschelle again? 

Over dinner after Kyle gets her liquid courage she haaaaaas to confront Lisa and Brandi together over the tabloid nonsense because Lisa's previous denial wasn't good enough. Why is Kyle ALWAYS in the middle of some she-said/she-said drama – every. single. season. Before the main course touched down on the damask, Kyle is like soooo… tell me ladies – who's the liar here, besides me obviously, guffaw!


Neither lady admitted it. Lisa kept denying knowing the tabloids existed at that point and Brandi denied well, all of it. Ken got angry, pointed out that Brandi was behind all the drama, and that Lisa was being ganged up on, "1-2-3-4…," he accused pointing at each lady, save for Joyce who was completely silent, as they shrieked at Lisa.

Kim screamed at Ken and called him a stubborn old man for getting involved and not letting Lisa speak. She turned into Kingsley and went rabid on ol' Ken who wondered when Kim became a maniac? Yeah, he did go overboard, but I don't fault ANY of the husbands for defending their wives. Brandi just sat there with her head in her hands playing the same old victim role that is her default setting while everyone came for Lisa with their pitch forks out. "Et tu, Brandi?" Lisa warbled through her tears, fleeing the table. 

Back in the hotel room that couldn't Lisa and Ken retired to the balcony and shared a scene right out of an 80's soap opera: a cigarette and a sad sigh. What a mess this reality TV thing had turned out to be. What. A. Mess. What a mess this whole Pygmalion project with Brandi turned out to be – no good deed goes unpunished, eh. Ken murmured that he wasn't going to let anyone treat Lisa that way. And she took his hand and said "We'll always have each other." And that's true – they do. They seem united and close-knit and truly married. And it's just one more thing the other ladies have to hold against Lisa. 

Lisa again denies any of the shenanigans stating she's never even done anything to the other ladies and she's emphatically against the tabloids anyway, so she wants no part in their nonsense. 


I like you Joyce! 

Back at the table Michael informs everyone that the cruise ship from Planet Trash is leaving the harbor and they'll have to hustle to make it on board. And furthermore, Kyle has a right to know the truth but ruining their dinner by ganging up on Lisa was in poor taste. I kinda love Michael. 

You know the irony: they banned Carlton Gebbia from the trip and wasn't she the lucky one. Which brings me back to Imma-put-a-curse-on-you-gate, cause I think she cursed this whole dang trip. Also, still Team Lisa

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