Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Fleeing The Coop


Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ousted Lisa Vanderpump from Puerto Rico and bonded over how awesome it is to have the reigning queen off the island. Temporarily they're all getting along until the jockeying for position resumes anew. I think it's safe to say Kim Richards is out of the running. 

In Puerto Rico all the ladies meet for breakfast where Joyce Giraud has dressed in what is in her approximation casual pageant gear. Aka, a maxi dress with sparkles and spangles that weigh more than she does.


As they convene over skinny lattes and 2 pieces of fruit, Brandi Glanville looks around the table, counts out loud, and realizes someone is missing: Lisa! Lisa left in the middle of the night after she got verbally vomited on by a bunch of rancid piña coladas and one virgin daiquiri known as Rambles. Lisa stuffed all her pink nightgowns in her suitcase, and descended – levitated really – over the balcony, away from the hideous Motel 6 accommodations, and into a waiting taxi. Actually Lisa was so desperate to get out of there she took a taxi! At 4:30 am. Yowzers. 

Kim admits she owes Ken an apology, but doesn't want to give it. Joyce is shocked by the abrupt departure and says it makes Lisa look "guilty". Brandi smirks. And Yolanda Foster is affronted

Yolanda stabs a banana with manicured hands and sniffed that Lisa should have stayed to have a "conversation" with them. A conversation, Yolanda, or a full-fledged hyena attack? "What is she so afraid of?" Yolanda wonders. 

They're also glad Lisa is gone because the vibe is visibly lifted and they're like free to have fun. "I don't miss them," Kim tells us. Everyone tours Puerto Rico while giggling and having a good time – and if I must confess, it was fun, but it wasn't sincere. They were faking it, but as they say: fake it til you make it! 

Yolanda meets her spirit animal in the form of a giant, prickly lizard. Poor Kim tried to smuggle the damn thing into her billowing 1970's jumpsuit because she wants to squuuuueeeeeze it! Kim – just be content with your werepuppy. 


Kim and Brandi decide it's so hot they're going to wade in a fountain until security chases them away. It's as if they were washing Lisa out of their hair. Extensions – whatever. Or as if they were trying to wash the stains of their sins off their hands – at least Brandi was. Better bust out the fingerless gloves again, B, because no amount of laser treatments are gonna get those damn spots out! (This is a very bad Lady MacBeth metaphor incase you don't remember 12th grade English). 

Meanwhile Mauricio is losing sleep over the cheating that never happened that he and Kyle WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT but want Carlton Gebbia to poof the rumors away with her magic that they also don't believe in. 

Back in Beverly Hills, Lisa herself has not recovered from the beach-side bashing. Snarlton comes over to console her but I cannot focus on one single thing she said because she stole my sophomore year of college tube top with the big giant boob keyhole. 


Lisa tears up and whisper-cry sniffs about how she's so hurt. Carlton not only denies seeing Lisa coaxing Brandi to do anything with tabloids, but she blames the entire thing on Kyle. Which – duh. 

Other than that, it was all family bonding. Brandi awkwardly invites her parents over to David and Yolanda's for a lunch where David didn't even bother pretending he cared. Then she surprised her parents with a brand new car. It was a Honda. David squinted for a moment and wondered if the economy car was going to contaminate his driveway, making his Bentleys sick, so he ushered the Glanvilles out the door and retreated to his keyboarding while Yolanda flopped around clucking about what a genteel hostess she is treating the common folk in the same manner she would Babs. As in Streisand, Babs. 


Then Kim and Yolanda shipped their daughters off to college in remarkably different fashions. Kim bought out every. single. thing in Bed, Bath, and Beyond (and maybe Target, too) because Kimberly needs 4 or 5 mattress covers. Does she wet the bed?! And Kim also washed her XL twin sheets multiple times to give them that just like home feeling. I hope she then rubbed them on Kingsley. 

Yolanda color-coordinated Gigi's clothes and lectured her about saving her receipts for tax purposes. Then spent an agonizing time measuring and sticky taping all the teeny-tiny painted tiles Gigi's friends and family members (except LISA – that bitch!) painted for her. That's when Brandi called to complain about Lisa.

Brandi has an ulcer and is pissed Lisa left PR because she was afraid of being "confronted with the truth." Uh-huh. Brandi's "truths." Didn't Brandi leave Lisa's dinner party in the middle of a confrontation with Joyce? It's fine to leave hostile situations but Brandi shouldn't judge Lisa when she did the same.

Kimberly will be living in the dorms like a normal freshman and her room is itty-bitty. Gigi has a palatial apartment because Yolanda doesn't want her doing the whole college thing when she could be focusing on her career. Yolanda is afraid if Gigi had a roommate she might actually enjoy life and have fun instead of getting up at 5am to go on casting calls. Or Gigi might eat *gasp* half a piece of pizza and decide to watch Switched at Birth with her roommate instead of going to the gym and master cleansing. Basically Kim wants Kimberly to enjoy life and Yolanda wants Gigi to be her. But they both love their daughters tremendously.


Kim cries real tears over the fact that she nearly let her addiction take her away from her kids and she missed so much. But fear not Kim, because you are obviously a great mom and your children adore you. And Yolanda, your kids get you. They get your need for order and how you express love with activity and advice – and they adore you too. So yay moms! 


Also, Kyle Richards took Portia to get her ears pieced. And there was Taylor Armstrong tagging along because, "Hi Cameras! Don't forget about me!" Except Portia and Sophia ruined all her get attention time. Portia got the first hole done without flinching and then when she realized what happened, she freaked out and wouldn't get the other earring done without Kyle holding her and telling her over and over it would be OK. Sophia wanted to get a second hole done and pretended she'd be so brave to set a good example for Portia but then she freaked out too. 

Things end with Lisa and Ken preparing to go to the BH 100th Year Chamber of Commerce party. We're bookending this season with Chamber of Commerce events? As Kyle quipped, "A party's a party!" And as Brandi quipped, "Holla! Open bar, bitches!" Ken doesn't want to go because Lisa's "friends" might attack but Lisa reminds him they are contractually obligated to attend and also they own two – soon to be 3 – BH businesses so they have to represent! 

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