Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Teresa Giudice And The Trouble With Twins

teresa giudice does not think she owes teresa aprea an apology

Last night on Real Housewives Of New Jersey things returned to some familiar territory: everything is all Teresa Giudice‘s fault! Now, generally I agree that Teresa is to blame for pretty much all atrocities ever bestowed upon RHONJ (except for Jim Marchese, of course, that’s all Amber!), but I do fail to see how she is to blame for Victoria Gotti telling a salacious story about Teressssa Aprea‘s mother and husband.

Who exactly was Teresa gossiping about it to, again? Dina Manzo? I mean, if you’re gonna blame anyone, blame Rino – he’s the one who told the story to begin with! I guess everyone is afraid to blame Victoria!

Jacqueline Laurita is back and she’s hasn’t changed a bit – still bringing both the maturity and the class! She’s slurping wine through a straw and getting as my husband calls it “loadie” (drunkboots). So loadie she forgets how many kids she has… And we all know what happens when Cacklin’-Jacqueline gets tipsy: drunk lips, sink ships! Or in this case drunk lips, might mean mob hits. 

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Nicole Napolitano tells Jacqueline and RHONJ groupie Kathy Wakile what happened in Florida with Jim and Amber Marchese revealing the rumor that Rino slept with their mom, Santa. They keep referring to Victoria as V.G., because presumably she shall not be named less she appear in the flesh to turn all to dust, then Jacqueline bellows that her real name is Vagina. Yes, Vagina Gotti.

jacqueline laurita blames teresa giudice for everything

Well, despite the fact that “Vagina” spouted off the rumor about Rino, Teresssssa is blaming Teresa for repeating it to Dina, and not immediately shutting it down. Which, if I recall, Teresa did tell Dina and Victoria and Amber that she didn’t believe it. Not only that she asked Dina not to repeat it (which although technically Dina did not actually repeat it, she did sure as hell try!), and finally Teresa seemed to think it was nonsense from the very beginning! These twins are thirsty – thirsty for some Fabellini that is because they are trying their darnedest to start a problemo with Teresa for some camera time, aren’t they?!

Nicole says Teresssa feels betrayed by Teresa because they’ve been friends all of 6 seconds and Teresa somehow owes her an apology for not hiring a Good Year Blimp to announce that NO – Rino did not sleep with his mother-in-law. And YES – she who shall not be named for fear of wrath, Vagina, is a LIAR. Jacqueline, taking a big slurp of wine, reminds everyone that Teresa is always in the middle of spreading rumors and then denying she had anything to do with it – like look what happened to Melissa Gorga! Oh… zzzzzzzzzzz… I forgot Melissa was even on this show without her story being Teresa supposedly ruining her life! 

Also, why was Kathy (aka Wallpaper) wearing a sequined halter top that belongs on an aging Vegas showgirl? Borrowed from Jacqueline I presume! In the other room the husbands are gossiping like the Housewives they wish they were. Bobby is even showing some cleavage in the form of an unzipped, chest hair bearing cardigan. In explaining Teresa vs. Teresssa Richie dubs Teresa “Felonlini” which we all know he stole from some witty, clever blogger. 

Across town Melissa has planned a spa day with Teresa, Amber, and Dina, except she’s late arriving, leaving Teresa and Amber to discuss what went down in Florida. When Zina, Zen Warrior Princess descends from her mythical castle on Hairless Cat Hill wrapped in a cloak of Pier One Imports Positivity, she’s all like I brought the zen on this plate of fruit and I’m not tawkin’ about negativity because negativity makes fruit turn toxic. Whatever D, go to sleep in your electric light laser coffin. 

teresa aprea and nicole napolitano try on appropriate gowns for a children's event

On the other side of town the the Troublemint Twins are shopping for gowns to wear to Zina’s Project Ladybug fashion show. Let’s hope Boob 1 and Boob 2 can manage to stay in the store until they pay for the merchandise this time! In the middle of trying on something that lets all her cleavage burst out (For the children! With The Cancer!), Teressssa decides to host a tasting for Rino’s restaurant, but she is not inviting Teresa or Amber

Teresa really doesn’t care about drama with the twins anyway, because she has bigger issues to worry about. Tis true. Like perhaps, thoroughly understanding her guilty plea! Zina just wants everyone to get along for The Children with The Cancer. And hopes that since there is no drinking everyone will behave. Teresa knows better… RHONJ and fashions do not. mix. Amber promises she’ll behave – by leaving The Jim at home! 

teresa giudice laughs with amber marchese about teresa aprea

Of course, not 2 seconds after Melissa arrives to the spa, Teressssa calls to invite her to this party. Melissa reveals that she’s with BOTH of Teresssa’s enemies, and oops she’s also on speakerphone, so Teressssa asks if Melissa can take her off speakerphone so she can do the invite without Teresa and Amber over-hearing. In the background Teresa cackles and play-whines about how saaaaad she is that Teresssa doesn’t love her anymore. It’s sooooo depressing that Teressssssa doesn’t want her at her party. Tre says she used to get mad about things. She used to be a “hot-tempered” Italian prone to flipping tables, but now she’s calm as a cucumber and sippin’ on Felonlini and denial. 

Amber and Jim take a break from the drama to do something important: celebrate her five years of being The Cancer free with a photoshoot that shows off her mastectomy scars. I’m confused about why it’s taking place in a freezing cold barn. Or why at one point Amber is wearing a dress made from a repurposed Swan Lake costume. And I’m confused about why Jim has to abruptly leave the shoot to sob while kneeling in the snow. Somebody has been reading too many Nicolas Sparks novels about obsessive love and thinks they’re Ryan Gosling. “Heeeeeey girrrrrrllll.”

I will say, Jim loves Amber – that’s obvious. And we’re all happy Amber is healthy now. 

amber marchese does a cancer-free photo shoot

Jim then surprises Amber with a dinner in a gallery where the framed photos from the shoot are displayed. The photos are gorgeous! Jim gushes about his love for Amber, and Amber tears up, dabbing around the cakey layers of mascara and white eyeliner, to sniffle about how the girls don’t understand Her Jim and Their Love, and the fact that they don’t try means they are bad friends.  After that The Jim texts Zina to say he’s no longer helping her with the Project Ladybug event by inviting his network of 10,000 imaginary friends. Wait… but it’s about The Children with The Cancer, Jim, not about you. Or Amber. 

At Teressssasa’s tasting, held at a friend’s house where there is plastic covers over the dining room chairs, Zina and Melissa make sure Teresssssa will be able to find it in her heart to forgive Teresa before the Project Ladybug event. Melissa is planning to bring her dawter and doesn’t want any dramz! Teresssssa sighs a deep sigh and after careful consideration decides IF Teresa apologizes for destroying her family with malicious rumors and heartless gossip, she will accept and forgive. Ummmmmmm… Teresa does not owe you an apology, bitch. But Nicole does f0r wearing that hideous bra-top ensemble to your so-called classy party. Nicole needs to realize dressing like a 22-year-old Lookers employee will not make Bawby love her. Or us. 

Nicole further deludes herself by going to look at a big house in the country. She takes Bawby along with her, because hopefully someday, possibly perhaps maybe he’ll stop sulking in the bathroom to propose to her and they can be a for realz fambly! “I do love Nicole,” says Bawby with no emotion whatsoever. Yeah, more like Bawby loves RHONJ cameras and will propose if they keep running! I think Nicole should just buy the Gorgas’ house for $3.8 mil – water leaks and all! 

Teresa takes Gia to get pedicures and I swear it’s like Freaky Friday over in Giudice land. Teresa over-discloses to Gia about getting her tubes tied, while Gia texts CPS from her phone. Gia is the most mature person on this show. Apparently Milania wants to be a spy, which really, I see Milania more as a dictator-ess than a spy. She’s been practicing on her nation of disenfranchised stuffed animals and Audriana

Finally, Zina has Teresa and Melissa over to do planning for the fashion show. Teresa brought sprinkle cookies from Shoprite – kidding, they were ladybug cookies in a Fabulicious dessert box. Dina suggests to Teresa that possibly she could simply apologize to Teressssa for her role in the rumor just to keep the peace at the charity event. 

dina manzo tries to talk to teresa giudice about apologizing to teresa aprea

Teresa, who is no longer a hot-tempered Italian, freaks. There is no way in hell she is apologizing for something she did not do. And for once I agree with her! And even though, yes, it might be the easier thing to do as Melissa lamely suggests, shielding her face with the Fabulicious dessert box, Teresa is not having it! “I have enough going on in my life! And now they wanna blame me for their family drama?!” Teresa seethes. And yes, Team Teresa on this one. 

Melissa and Zina exchange looks. “Here we go again,” thinks Melissa what’s her storyline again? While Zina wonders why the xanax she stirred into the tea isn’t working. 

Will no one think about The Children with The Cancer?!

Next week is the season finale! Is it too much to ask that Kim D will storm the fashion show and have Posche models take over the runway. Red lights will shoot from Kim’s eyes as her Barbie hair weave bursts into a fiery halo of flames – “The SEASON FINALE FASHION SHOW IS MIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!” she will bellow, before banishing the twins into an oblivion of shopping in the juniors department for too small clothes that they can never leave the store with. Then, and only then, will all be right with my RHONJ world. Think about this Bravo editors!!

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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