Eileen Davidson is finally mingling with the group. They start her off gently, with the upper echelons of Malibu society, to ease her into the currant of RHOBH, by sending her off to lunch with Yolanda Foster, as supervised by Lipsa. Eileen is surprised to learn she and Yolanda have several things in common: children, anguish over the amount of work required of bossing servants around, and a propensity for micromanaging toilet cleaning. Yolanda expects us to believe she cleans her own toilets. Correction: I believe she cleans My Love‘s toilet so she has an excuse to snoop through his personal quarters. You know, just in case he has a few wayward piano keys or Grammys tucked away!
Eileen and Yolanda get along famously. Lisa is relieved. Her job here is done – now she can move on to more pressing personal matters, traveling to her hometown of Medford, OR to help her parents move out of her childhood home. To say it’s sad is an understatement, but it’s also touching and a really nice illustration that Lipsa has a kind soul, a good heart, and a down-to-earth, lovable spirit. She brings her teenaged daughters along with her. They are scoffish about Medford – even Lisa admits she never felt like she fit-in in small-town Oregon, because she was always dying to breakout her inner fabulosity – or her hoo-ha, preferably both (she admitted to wearing skirts so short you could practically see her “hoo-ha”).
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Lisa’s father is 92 and unable to do the things that matter to him. She feels he’s ready to move on, but doesn’t want to leave her mother. Lisa’s mother had a stroke a few years ago, losing many memories, but not her spirit. She’s saved all of the things from Lisa’s childhood and career – even framed copies of her Playboy cover. Lisa takes her to say goodbye to her childhood home. “This room, this place made me a good person,” she sighs wistfully. Turning to her mother, she says, “You made me a good person.” Man – I cried. It was too sweet. So Hallmark movie. I loved it! Keep being zany and honest, Lipsa. Don’t let RHOBH corrode your spirit – never let’em break you. Meaning stay far, far away from that Brandi Glanville – she’s a toxic one, that one!
Speaking of Brandi, she is doing way too much. Also doing way too much: Kyle Richards. Kyle is back from Greece and she’s gonna be dining out on that ‘jetlag from her fabulous vacation’ spiel all the way to the reunion. This time she’s using it as an excuse to hire a caterer for her “low-key” BBQ. Kyle admits she could just make hotdogs and hamburgers, but then she wouldn’t be able to show-off her richie-ness. Kyle blames her friends because they won’t eat a hotdog – or “ghetto sangria.” They only drink sangria made with $2,000 bottles of wine and hand-selected artisanal fruit from the Costco produce department. Kyle jokes with the caterer not to waste the good wine, just use the Franzia and pretend it’s fancy. Fraaaanzeeeehya, she articulates hoping to confuse people. She pours it in the Chanel dog bowl and says it’s imported from a special region in Greece.
Kyle invited both Brandi and Lisa Vanderpump to the party hoping they’ll spontaneously rekindle things – or at least get in a big fight at her house, because camera-time! Kyle loves to make any situation about herself, and insert herself in any situation she can, so naturally she’s assumed the new-found role as the Ambassador of Kaftans, from the plasticular region of the valley. Lisa is not willing to meet half-way, Brandi is willing to run all the way down the valley in her one busted pair of Louboutins.
Yes, Lisa sits in her palatial Villa Rosa, petting and cooing at swans, both of whom now get more hanky-panky than poor Ken. Lisa is concerned that Kyle is suddenly buddy-buddy with Brandi. She could warn Kyle, but karma is a friendship with Brandi. And a friendship with Brandi is the gift that keeps on giving; like cheap glitter, it adheres to all the worst spots and never goes away! Lisa says she’s not going to let her issues with Brandi keep her from socializing, because then Brandi will have won. Never that! Chess by LVP: don’t give you enemies power – give them wine, so they’re drunk and embarrassing, then take over with your smarts!
Lisa forgets about Brandi momentarily to break-up a dispute between a swan and the Pom Army, who attack as the swan waddles into the foyer. Ken wonders if Brandi will apologize, and Lisa chuckles. Poor Ken – so daft.
Yolanda invites Eileen to Kyle’s “so-cazh”. BBQ. Eileen is delighted to be getting out of the house – one negative about living in Malibu is that it’s impossibly far from everything so they rarely get out.
On the day of the BBQ, Yolanda opts to wear Gigi’s cut-offs with some gladiator boots. Lisa opts to wear cocktail attire and ponders whether she should also wear $1,400 “hooker” heels. Ken says no they are most certainly “hooker” no matter what the price. Eh – give ’em to Brandi!
Kim Richards and Kyle wore muumuus, of course, as Kim is now relegated to Kyle By AleneToo’s Kast-off Kaftans. Luckily Kim is wearing hers better! Brandi arrives first to fret about Lisa not loving her. Kim knows Eileen’s husband from their child star days, so they reminisce briefly. Later Rambles tells stories about her childhood stardom days – I secretly love those!
When Lisa arrives – last and most over-dressed, but thankfully without a Pom or a swan – she air kisses everyone, even Brandi, and is cordial. Brandi gushes that Lisa acknowledged her. Yolanda corners Lisa to ask why she wasn’t invited to see Lisa receive her star on the Walk of Fame in Palms Spring? Lisa attempts to change the subject but Yolanda persists. Lisa should have said, “I don’t know why you’d want to come, considering we’re only Hollywood Friends?” Instead she went to get some wine before being confronted by Brandi and Kim over Brandi’s stupid housewarming party invitation.
Brandi wants to know if Lisa is coming – Lisa tells her, again: she’ll consider it, depending on how Brandi behaves, but just because she attends doesn’t mean things are all better – they have a long way to go. Brandi makes that sour lemon face she makes when she is annoyed that people aren’t willing to forget or forgive.
Then talk blessedly turns to Brandi’s new vag, brought up helpfully by one of Kyle’s friends (naturally) as an ice breaker. Eileen is perplexed – she’s just met this woman and now she has to meet her rejuvenated vagina too? If that wasn’t awkward enough, later Brandi argues with Eileen about Days Of Our Lives facts – specifically Lipsa’s character on the show. Brandi insists Eileen is incorrect, given her own prodigious stalking of Eileen’s life, she’s an expert. Admitting you’re stalking someone, then arguing with them about the particulars of their life rarely goes well!
Brandi chases Lisa around like a lost little puppy. She fails to realize Lisa only loves things that give her a challenge – like her swans!
As everyone leaves Brandi tries to hug Ken to her clutches, as he, in horror, tries to flee away from the severity of her stage 5 clinger Velcro grip. Lisa and Ken quickly say goodbye and power-walk to the door, but Brandi chases after them and demands an answer about the housewarming party. You mean the house-cooling party, because if Lisa comes she’s not going to be bringing with her the feelings of a Freshly Baked Cookie scent candle. Oh no, it’s going to be extra dry rosé – a type of wine Brandi doesn’t even drink, which Lisa knows and brought intentionally.
Lisa won’t give Brandi an answer, as she dabs her eyes for invisible tears. “You don’t cry,” Brandi snaps. She’s really working this contrite angle. Lisa insists her she does cry – like in Puerto Rico. “I cried too,” whines Brandi, pulling a Kyle. Birds of a feather, flock together, but swans are in their own league!
As Lisa leaves, Brandi complains that she’s not gonna kiss Lisa’s ass forever. “My life doesn’t revolve around Lisa Vanderpump,” she snaps to Kim and Kyle. Oh but it does, child, oh but it does. And Lisa knows this, so she’s spinning the wine bottle and whatever horrible favor it lands on is the one she’s going to expect you to do until you’ve earned your way back, or burned yourself out trying.
TELL US – SHOULD LISA ATTEND BRANDI’S PARTY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]