The true story of Real Housewives Of New York is not what’s happening on the episode, but what’s happening on twitter while the episode is airing. Things have gone from A to F–ked with Luann de Lesseps and Carole Radziwill slamming each other something l0w-down dirty and arguing over the proclivities and scheduling conflicts of a thirty-something boy. They’re like two mommies in a custody dispute. Ladies – it’s embarrassing.
Basically Carole started dating Luann’s nieces ex-boyfriend, but didn’t tell Luann because she’s scared of what Lu will think. Even though Carole claims the niece and the fling broke up over a year ago. Interesting. Before all that cockamamie nonsense, we have to get to Sonja Morgan‘s cockamamie nonsense – and she doesn’t swallow unless its for a Black Card (or a pinot).
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Sonja and Bethenny Frankel meet for coffee where Bethenny becomes Sonja’s business fairy/financial advisor/self help guru/living chapter of a Skinnygirl self-help manual from the selfish and helpless. She grills Sonja on her bankruptcy (Sonja got bamboozled and now has to pay but she’s not giving up her 4800 square-foot townhouse), her businesses (to toast or to be toast) and branding.
Sonja explains she’s now Sonja Morgan Lifestyle Fashion Industries, which includes an international fashion line sold at exclusive upscale boutiques. Bethenny barks advice overtop Sonja’s semi-lucid ramblings about cultivating the Sonja Morgan fabulous on an affordable luxury budget, such as: The Chanarpie – a Chanel-look purse you can color-coordinate with your outfits simply by using this multicolored fabric pen to doodle away. The ultimate convergence of art, luxury, budget-savvy and entertainment!) Bethenny says Sonja needs to narrow things down; Sonja says she has… she now only has one night stands once a week.
Later Bethenny visits Sonja at her “business” to see the budding fashion collection in action. Sonja apparently hired a slew of people from Craigslist to “act” like her team. Sonja has some logo-bearing poster boards haphazardly propped around the conference room she rented for the afternoon. Sonja’s CFO, CEO, and director of mafiosa management all defensively flank a collection of drawings, which will purportedly comprise of the Sonja Morgan collection, hitting stores in Spring 2015 – two months away.
Bethenny, alarmed by the time frame, immediately asks what stores, are there samples, a production line, a distribution deal?! One girl, whose job is as undefined as the whereabouts of this collection, snaps, “We’re in talks so we can’t talk!” Yet she assures Bethenny they work with the best people in the industry and know things. Big things. A man in a turban, posed in front of a drawing of a leopard-print bathing suit, insists they work with many “celebrities” Sonja nods vacantly and waxes poetically about the time she won that award… at Marc Jacobs. Award for most returns with out a receipt?
Bethenny wonders if this is toaster oven 2.0: A smoke and mirrors toaster that didn’t toast. There’s a reason of course, the toaster oven disappeared, Sonja was buttering the toast so she stopped talking about her sexy novel and started talking about her sexy boyfriends and decided to do english muffins instead. Bethenny worries Sonja will be taken advantage of … again. Bethenny is right, because Sonja doesn’t even know which side her bread is buttered on. What the hell is going on?!
Bethenny runs screaming for the door. She’s so unsettled she turns to food – she eats 2 bites of a brownie, while begging her friendsistant for clarification that she’s not in an insane asylum. Back in the “board room” Sonja pops the cork on a bottle of champagne to celebrate … grand delusions?
Speaking of which, it seems Kristen Taekman and Sonja have much in common: bizarre mystery businesses, flashing their vag at young men, interns as accessories! Kristen started a fashion blog called Last Night’s Look, featuring Kristen wearing things from her closet, hopping round the streets of NYC getting photos taken on an iPhone, and owning a pseudo-intern to “manage” her. Kristen even manages to flash the photographer as she’s wearing a skirt constructed from Anthropologie clearance sheets and tissue paper. Last Night’s Project Runway Challenge!
Good for Kristen… I mean, she’s gotta do something with her prettttttty! And we all know she’s not smart.
Then Kristen gets a drink with Carole, and learns Carole is hiding Adam from Luann. Even worse, Luann’s son Noel knows about Carole and Adam, but Carole is conspiring with him not to tell Luann. Seriously … I am concerned from Carole’s mental healthy. Exactly how old is this woman that she is relying on the confidences of an 18-year-old boy to keep secrets from his mother. I mean, honestly! That’s mortifying… for Carole. And seriously – she must be doing something amiss if she’s so afraid for Lu to find out. Right??
Ramona Singer visits Castle Crumbles McDelusions where Sonja is drinking liquified cucumbers, specially prepared by interns who chewed greens, spit them into a bottle, and dubbed them organic, raw-hewn cold-press greeneries. Ramona wisely sticks to the pinot she brought from home.
Sonja has been feeling badly over neglecting Ramona’s pre-divorce emotional state, so she planned a surprise trip to Atlantic City for Ramona’s birthday. Ramona suggests inviting the other girls. Sonja doesn’t want to because they’re mean about her businesses which materialize in her mind, but never in her reality. Maybe Sonja is afraid her creditors will seize a Norwegian T-shirt stitchery run by Altasian nuns if she actually makes a t-shirt? Or maybe that’s why her “team” wasn’t allowed to reveal the true location of The Sonja Morgan Fruit Fly Collection.
Dorinda Medley hosts a party so everyone can meet her. Last time there was a party in Dorinda’s honor, Bethenny usurped it for a Skinnygirl branding expo. Hopefully Bethenny doesn’t decide to throw another party at the same time to introduce a new Skinnygirl product. Dorinda’s party has the dual-purpose of allowing the women get better acquainted with John, whose made an awful first impression. Hannah, Dorinda’s daughter, worries John might actually make the women like him less because he gets social anxiety and acts out.
Doridna confesses to Luann that she doesn’t like vaginas around John, because vaginas lead to slip-ups. However she has the party anyway and John doesn’t disappoint in the misbehavior department, but luckily neither does anyone else. The party is held at World Bar which is some sort of It’s A Small World ride with alcohol and larger-scale puppets. Sonja even though one of them was her date.
Sonja and Ramona start off testily when Sonja waltzes in with some 22-year-old she met at the bus station while she was hanging Sonja Morgan Fashion Show posters. She’s so intent to show him off, along with the dress she borrowed, that she ignores Ramona who is feeling lowly about attending a party sans-Mario.
Then Heather Thomson arrives, but before she even has her coat off and a drink in her hand, she launches on Sonja over why she wasn’t invited to the fashion demo but Bethenny was? Luann too is incensed. Sonja, accurately, tells them there wasn’t anything for them to see and furthermore, they are not supportive. It just goes around and around until everyone realized they were arguing with Sonja about an invisibusiness and they should just go mind their own business and be glad Bethenny wants to take this mess off their hands in her campaign to rebrand bitchy divorce.
Then Sonja and Ramona get into a high-pitched debate about whether or not Sonja ignored Ramona when she got to the party. It included Sonja waving her hands like she don’t ca-aire and Ramona doing push-ups to prove her boobs weren’t fake. I lost track – there were so many mini arguments circulating at this party; far more tifts and spats than appetizer trays. Eventually Dorinda forces them to hug and it;s like “you’re my smooshie, no YOU’RE my smooshie.”
Which is right around the time Luann and Carole convene to a corner to discuss Adam-Gate 2000 – or 20,000 leagues out of my age-bracket. Or how Carole ended up f–king Adam, (or as Luann asked, “How they went from A-to-F, F for F–king”).
Luann’s niece discovered Carole was A-to-Fing Adam (because sometimes a girl just wants to get gummy bear faced and f–k) and is upset, which made it awkward for Lu because her niece assumed Luann knew about this. Then there was some debate about when (and if) Adam and the niece – the nameless, faceless nice – oh niece who are you and what is your name – broke up and if they are going on a trip to Nicaragua together to farm… gummy bears? Middle-aged women’s delusions? WHAT IS HE FARMING?!
Carole and Lu seem close, so it’s odd that Carole has been withholding this information, but perhaps it is because Carole was aware that Adam and Niestery (mystery niece) weren’t quite history? Luann sounded like it was going to be OK, then somewhere along the line – or should I say ON LINE – it went horribly awry.
And the party commenced with John being sandwiched between Sonja Heiny and Kristen as he squeezed Sonja’s butt repeatedly while she grinded against him. John was in heaven, but Dorinda needed a tranquilizer gun for this hairy beast. Then Ramona complained about Sonja’s date, in front of Sonja’s date, when she snapped that even though she is “sensual and sexy” (yet deep!) she doesn’t need teenaged rebound flings because she can just use her hand. Idk – filed under: things to keep to yourself. Seriously – I was speechless. And I wish Ramona had been too.
TELL US – WAS BETHENNY OUT OF LINE IN SONJA’S BUSINESS MEETING? TEAM CAROLE OR TEAM LUANN?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]